How to cope when your baby's dad left you?

Lenica - posted on 04/10/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My fiance left me when I told him Im pregnant...I have really bad depression, I try not to get upset but I still do. So I just sleep,Im only 10weeks pregnant...Any advise???

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Gayle - posted on 04/16/2010

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There is a lot of us that has been in your shoes. My son's father left me when I was 6 weeks pregnant. Never have seen or heard from him since. My son is going to be three in October. First thing is focus on yourself and that unborn child. That child is relying on you. Secondly, lean on your family and friends for support. Thirdly, stay as active as you can. It is best for you and the baby's health to stay as active as you can. It isnt a easy road doing things as a single parent. When my son's father left my baby became my priority. I worked as much as I could handle to have money stashed for him, plust I concentrated on other people than myself (I was a CNA). I learned that my family and friends will be there. My mom and her friend helped me in the delivery room. My church family were there through out the day. My Pastor and his wife stayed until my son was born. When I wasnt at work or at school yeah I did sleep the hours that I was suppose to. I noticed when I was home not doing anything was when I got said. So, I took walks when it was nice out. I even started volunteering at a different care center than I worked at. Dont get me wrong it was hard, and it still is. If I, a single mom with a severe heart condition can do it, you can too. Also remember we other single moms here are here for you. If you have to invite some of us to be facebook friends.

Heather - posted on 04/16/2010

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My boyfriend left me when I told him I was pregnant. I say HIS LOSS!!!! I feel it was better for him to leave early and brake my heart rather than waiting and breaking my daughters heart and not to mention confuse her more. My whole pregnancy I embrased and it was now "the two" of us. I bonded to my her more b4 she was even born. Ill admit I cried (hormones) sometimes when she kicked me or got the hickups and there was nobody to share it with but thats when I would call a friend or family member and share my happiness. I always felt better.

Bianca - posted on 04/15/2010

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Hi, my partner left when he found out I was pregnant and I suffer from clinical depression. It was really hard at first and I was really down. I got fired from my job, then ended up in hospital with hyperemisis and couldn't get another job so I had to move back in with my mum and as I couldn't afford to pay rent anymore. It was also difficult because no one thought I would make a good mother and I was being pressured into having an abortion.



I was dreading becoming a mum because I was so depressed and I hated the whole pregnancy but in the end it did get better. My daughter is now 6 mopnths old and although there are really challenging days, I would not trade my situation for the world. Not having a partner around has allowed me to bond so closely with my daughter and I feel like we are the tightest little team in the world.



You can only do what is best for you right now. I found the pregnancy was the hardest part. Now I don't miss having a partner at all and I can't even imagine myself wanting to be with anyone else now either as that would take away time with my daughter. I definetely did not feel like this through the pregnancy however!



You'll be fine in the end. Use this time to try and relax, I started meditations for depression and found with regular use it really helped, even now. Exercise can help too if you're not too exhausted already, but you can only do what is right for you. You will get through it. I am now the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and that is what you have to look forward to. You probably think it won't happen for you, but I'm pretty sure it will. I have a terrible history of depression and self harm and it is only now since having my baby that all those thoughts and actions have finally put to rest...even without the baby's father around.

Tanya - posted on 04/15/2010

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As someone who has been in your situation, you will get thru it. Right now, because you're 10 weeks, a good amount of what you're feeling is hormonal (which by the way, you should talk to your dr about). I would cry at everything! For my entire first trimester and part of the second, I couldn't listen to any type of music. Salsa, merengue, classical, jazz, country, rock, I would just break down. I thought it was due to what was going on in my life and depression, but I now realize, it was a combination of that and hormones. Keep yourself surrounded by friends and family who love you and your baby. Also, I'm going to give you the same advice that was given to me. You need to stop worrying about him and worry about you and the baby. If you have not already done so, start the child support process now. Depending on the state, you can either get child support from the day the baby was conceived or the day the baby was born, but if you start it now, it will save you soooooooo much headache later on! If you need advice on how to do that, just let me know. Trust me, everything will get better. It might not seem like it now, but it will.



Oh and someone mentioned inner strength. Let me tell you, when you are fighting for your child, you will find this strength you never knew you had. There might be certain days when you will feel like nothing is going your way and all you want to do is throw in the towel, but somehow, someway, you will dig deep down to find that bit of strength you need to continue the fight.

Kimberly - posted on 04/14/2010

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I know how you feel, my son's dad left me when I was only a few weeks pregnant. I only heard from him about two times during my pregnancy and both times my blood pressure would skyrocket, which my doctor didn't like much. Our son is now three and after being deployed in the US Navy for two years to Arabia he's back in the states and is really trying to be a part of our son's life. I forgave him because until I did I wasn't able to move on with my life. Now I have an awesome boyfriend who is really wonderful with my son and the only interactions I have with his dad are more like business deals that have to do with our son. I'll keep him on a quazi-friend status unless I find out he's lying again. But enough about me, about you. Don't let this guy get to you. He may see the error of his ways and come back. I've noticed a lot of young mom's (basing this on your picture) who have been in a similar situation also deal with depression. Don't be afraid to talk to a counsler, social worker, or psychologist. Keep your thoughts happy for your baby, find some other mom's in your area that are either your age or have a due date around the same time. I know my friends helped a lot when I was pregnant, my best friend, Anna, was even the "daddy" for me at the hospital. I don't know what I would have done without her. Good luck to you and know that you can always turn to us here for advice. Some give it better than others, but you can get that just about anywhere.

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Amber - posted on 04/16/2010

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My daughters dad left only a few weeks ago so far im just being with friends and family and making sure shes ok just remember she's happy and as long as thats there its ok

Jennifer - posted on 04/15/2010

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I completly agree.. My son's father was not around from the get go of "Your pregnant".. And now 2 1/2yrs later, still the same.... But I feel the same way. I do not have to share my sons joys, sorrows, ups and downs.. His achievements or failures. I am the only one that makes the decisions in his life.. I don't have to answer to anyone about him, but myself and God.. So really... It is a bittersweet thing.. I know it is hurting him. And will be hurting him in the long run.. I in no way made the choice to not have his father in his life. And fight to have his father to make the right choice.. But until then.. this is what it is..
So keep your head up... Fear nothing... Your child has you, atleast.. And that is the best thing a child could ever ask for..

Nancy - posted on 04/15/2010

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Be thankful he did it now before the baby is here that way there isn't an attachment between father and child. This way there is less hurt for your child. You will get over it one day when you recognize that you have an inner strength that you didn't know you had. Good luck .

Rima - posted on 04/15/2010

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My live in boyfriend left me when I was only 10 days pregnant and didn't even know that I am. Even though, we were planning to get pregnant for over a year. I did tell him over the phone, but he didn't even want to hear anything.
Now, when I look back, and my beautiful son is almost 4 years old, it's the best thing that ever happened to me! I am independent, happy, take care of my son and live my life any way I want to! I suggest you look at the positive and be happy, at least you won't have anybody to 'drill' the hole in your head. He wasn't a man to begin with, if he left you and your child in such position. Not worth crying!

Bethany - posted on 04/15/2010

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Just think about that beautiful baby inside you!

My BD left me at 14 weeks.

Gina - posted on 04/15/2010

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He is not worth it!! My ex left me with 5 children three days before our twin's first birthday. Any father that does something like that is no father, he is a sperm donor. My youngest, the twins, are now 16 and still don't have him in their lives. Every once in a while, he will email and say hed like to get to know them and then we dont hear from him again for months. The kids have learned to blow it off. Be strong for your baby because your baby will always love you! There are some great caring men out there that will love you and your baby! I found one with 5 kids and my daughter found one as well!

Markéta - posted on 04/15/2010

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Hi, me and my girls´ father broke up when i was 2 months pregnant and it was not so nice.... Somehow my love for the baby kept me going, and at the end I enjoyed my pregnancy and now I enjoy my life with my little daughter - she is the best thing in my life and we have a very special relationship, because we are here for each other. Just think about what you need and what the baby needs to be well and let your friends and family help you.

Michelle - posted on 04/14/2010

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The same thing happened to me. I was really depressed for a long time, but fast forward to today (5.5 years later) and I am SOOOOO thankful that he is not a part of our lives. He is a selfish, selfish man. A man who thinks about himself is the only type of man who could do such a thing. He has a clear conscience to this day. You don't want to be with THAT GUY anyway. Be happy that it happened now. I know it sounds impossible, but this jerkoff gave you the best present you'll ever get (a gorgeous little life!), and you are free of him forever. DO get child support if at all possible. He did help make this baby. But enjoy your child and don't worry about losing the loser. You and your child deserve much more!

Radelyn - posted on 04/14/2010

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Hello Len,Life must go on,Be strong and happy bring up with your baby,.And i assure you to include on my prayer..GODS LOVE US...BE HAPPY TIME COME ,YOU BE HAPPY too,your not alone...

Rachelle - posted on 04/14/2010

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I guess you are still in the stage of being able to decide whether to have the baby or not... I know that when my doctor said this to me, it helped me realise I have a choice... just like your fiance' did.... it empowers you to decide and when you decide... it is a lot easier... still hard, coz you have to see other happy couples helping each other out with their children and no one has a dream of becoming a single mum when they grow up... go and see you doctor or a counsellor, they will help you strategise how you are going to be the best mum you can or not... you will get advise from lots of people but they have their own agenda's.... Sleeping is a normal thing to do when you are depressed... Relish this time of focussing on you... I hope this helps...

Mikyala - posted on 04/14/2010

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I can't even imagine what you are going through at this moment. My husband and I broke up when my babe was 5 weeks old. In the beginning, he did not really help with the baby. He now visits the baby several times a week and today is watching him for the first time alone. He and I still don't get along very well after 3 months. I am not sure whether we ever will. I do know that post-partum I did become depressed. I do recomend counseling to assist you with this troubled time. You want to try to stay as healthy as possible during pregnancy, i.e. physically and emotionally, to ensure the health of your babe. In addition, turn to people who you trust to support you. You will be amazed how your sister or best friend can support you during your time of need.

Louise - posted on 04/14/2010

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You will be ok, I have been on my own with three children for just over a year now. They are 7 , 5 and 2!!! Their Dad sees them once a fortnight but treats me list S**T. I have made a huge decision to move away and live with my parents until we are divorced. It is a big change for me but it is the best thing I have ever decided to do. He will no longer be able to walk into my house when he feels like it, shout or swear at me and the children's life will be more stable without him around quite so often. You can do it, you just have to think positively, surround yourself with wonderful friends and family and live life for You and your children. Don't let him beat you. Don't let his actions rule your life. Decide to enjoy your pregnancy and make a lovely little nest for your babso. Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2010

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That's is so sad, I am sorry he was such an sob about it. I know it hurts, but if he was the type of person to do this to you and your baby then you probably do not need him in your life. Stay strong and try to feel better.

Becca - posted on 04/14/2010

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Also, I just want to say that all these absentee dads have no idea what they are missing and I am glad that I do not have to share my daughter.

Becca - posted on 04/14/2010

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The exact same thing happened to me seven years ago. My daughter will be seven later this year and he has been a very tiny part of her life. If I can do it you can do it. I have even went back to college since she was born and I am graduating in May. I don't know if you have family support, but if you do use them. My family has been pretty much the only family that my daughter knows and she is not missing anything.
Just keep your head up and don't stress. You will do great.

Alice - posted on 04/14/2010

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Hi, honestly? Even though this is very painful, is better now, than afterward! Mine abandoned me and two little ones, they are still hurting...Draw your strength from within, cherish your little one that you have been so lucky to have been blessed with, you will be fine in time..Seek out someone you trust to help talk you through this depression, or maybe ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor...Even though this seems hopeless, it is not!!!! Take care of yourself...(((hugs)))

Tracy - posted on 04/13/2010

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my boys dad left and I cried for a year and a half every night. It hurt so much but once I realized it wasn't me I could get over it..U will be fine and be a good mom to ur child..The guy lost out on two great people! When u get mad or sad or just think about the guy u should write ur thoughts down to get it out so u don't keep thinking about it.

Tashanti - posted on 04/13/2010

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The quicker you get over it the quicker you will have time to devote to your child and urself:)

Jayne - posted on 04/11/2010

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Hey Lenica you aren't alone
(my ex of 4 years and i broke up before we knew i was pregnant but he didnt want to get back together, i had to spend my pregnancy looking at pictures on facebook of him with other girls, and he left the country when i was 5 months pregnant)
my advice would be to get yourself a plan, like a checklist for each day or week or whatever, and KEEP BUSY
prenatal stress is the biggest negative influence on babies out there so if you can find something to occupy your mind you'll be helping your baby develop the best they can.

once the baby is born you will be soo soo happy, i promise. you wont even remember that your fiance exists. you're baby becomes the centre of your world and everything you think and do is for your bub.
when i was pregnant my friend's mum told me that everything would be fine after the baby was born, and i didnt believe her, i thought how can i possibly get over this, im so alone and so sad and i loved him so so much. but now i could not be happier.

so yeh, just try to keep occupied for the pregnancy and look forward to forgetting the pain when you have your beautiful child in your arms.

Leah - posted on 04/11/2010

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i went thru the same thing except i wasnt engaged. The man i was with left me when i was 6 weeks prego( 2 weeks after we found out). didnt give me a goodbye or anything. ignored phone calls, basically feel off the face of the earth. It was very hard to deal with cuz i as well have bad depression. I thought about the positives and how i would like to do things. although i thought about him everyday, i had to keep myself distracted with different things. My childs father first contacted me 2 weeks after i had him and i was the happiest person ever. thought he change and was finally coming around for the baby and me and i found out i was way way wrong. he was the exact same, but i still keep my head up and everything i do i do for my son. I have loving supportive familiy, and friends that help me out every day..You can pull thru this trust me!!! just keep smiling and think of the bundle you are growing inside!!!

Rachel - posted on 04/11/2010

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Hey hun. My daughter's father told me he would not be staying around when I was 5 months pregnant. I was also very depressed. It took me a very, very long time to get out of it. The best advice i can give you is to go see a counselor and talk about how you feel before the baby comes. The chance of getting major postpartum depression can rise if you have severe depression during pregnancy. i finally started seeing a psychologist a few months ago, and my daughter is already 16 months old. It really, really helped. Just keep your head up high, and remember, no matter how bad it feels on some days- you can do it!!!!! Think of that beautiful little person you will meet in 7 months!!! You know it will be worth it. And remember this too- ur ex is the one who made the decision to miss out on what could've been a very beautiful part of his life. Good luck hun!!!

Amanda - posted on 04/10/2010

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My son's father left me around 8 weeks pregnant. It was the most devestating thing that could have enver happened to me. B/c he left me I ended up homeless, young, and scared to death. Of course I was depressed. I finally found a really good support system. After my mom got over being so mad at me that I got myself pregnant and let me move back in with her, she was my best support system. However, I did make some mistakes while being pregnant and after my son was born when dealing with his father, I kept trying to convice him to at least come to the ultrasounds and stay involoved with the pregnancy. After the birth, I kepy offering to let him come over and see the baby. He always refused. Eventually, 2 years later, he wanted a paternity test done, which we all knew the baby was his, he was just using that as an exuse, of course it came back saying the baby was his. He wanted to start seeing him. I was thrilled. Then he broke a promise he had made saying he would never give my son to his parents and go out to party, seeing as how he hadn't seen him in 2 years, I thought that was very lienient. I caught him out and he refused to give me my son back to me that night. If there's one thing I could say to you, it's do not try abd make him come around. He left b/c he's immature and not ready to be a father and that's not something you can force him to do. It only makes matters worse. Find your support system and that should not include him. I never asked for child support and I never will. It just complicates things. You can do this. But as upsetting as it can get sometimes just sitting and thinking about it, try and remember that you will find somebody so much better than him one day and will treat your child like theirs. It happened to me. It's best that my sons father necer be in the picture. It's also best for your baby since your pregnant to try and stay positive, being depressed isn't helping that baby right now. If you ever need anybody to talk to, I will glady give you my number. I know how importany it is to have somebody on your side and to talk to. Keep your chin up. -Amanda

Katrina - posted on 04/10/2010

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I understand why you would still be upset but for your babies sake you should try not to stress about it so much. I completely understand tho...my boyfriend didn't leave me...i broke up with him when i was only two and a half months pregnant..but it was really hard for me. he wasn't there for me at all..i haven't seen him since. If your fiance left you because you were pregnant then he wasn't good enough for you. Some guys just get scared and don't know how to handle the thought of being a father. Maybe he will see that a baby is the most exciting thing in the world and come back. If not then your better off without him. Its really not that bad doing it alone. If i can do it...you can do it! Instead of sleeping...get yourself doing something productive. maybe even something for when the baby comes. keep your mind occupied and off of it. I hope this helps a little bit. Keep your chin up!!!

Karin - posted on 04/10/2010

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Keep your head up! :) My baby's father left me when she was 4 months old and it was a blurr for the first few weeks. I had to move out while going back to university but managed to do it but with lots of help! Surround yourself with positive friends and family for support. Look forward to yor baby...its an amazing ride and don't worry... you can do this!

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