How to deal with a deadbeat dad?

Amanda - posted on 01/11/2010 ( 253 moms have responded )

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I need to vent. Drew's dad has never met him. I have been holding out hope that he will come to his senses and realize he is missing out on the best thing he could have in his life and ask me to see him. I have sent him messages via email and text (cuz he doesn't answer when I call) trying to be as polite and non-pushy as I can be but telling him he can see his son whenever he wants but to no avail. I feel like today was the final cutoff when he deleted me from his myspace. That was a knife to the heart. How could someone so easily write off their own child? It blows my mind. What am I supposed to tell my son when he asks about his dad someday? "Sorry sweetheart, but your daddy didn't want you."? Don't know why I'm sharing this with everyone but I just needed to put it out there. Any advice on how to deal with a deadbeat dad?

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Robert - posted on 08/15/2012

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I am not a mom but I feel for all your women. You have it hard without the support of the child's father and have to be both roles in the childs life. I have a cousin who has it like that also. She was married and had two beautiful children from a man who became abusive later on. He would get drunk everyday, not work and would abusive her if something wasn't done right or dinner was late. She finally divorced him and found this other jerk. Well this jerk seemed okay at first until she found out she was pregnant. He than tried to say they were her ex's and not his. After awhile he was with her than he broke up with her and now these beautiful twin boys will be celebrating their first birthday in October and he hasn't even met them. He plays head games with her and tries to make her ask for everything but hasn't even offered it to her or just handed her anything and told her to get them what they need or buy them this. He won't even go out and buy them diapers. He is a piece of work and I hope noone ever has kids from him again. He will not take responsibility. All he cares about is his automobile and himself.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2012

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Trust me you and your son are better without him. You'll met someone new someday who will love you both!

Maria - posted on 08/04/2012

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Disengage is the only way. You will never be able to make anyone else do something they don't want or feel naturally inclined to do. So don't waste any more time hoping this dad will come around. He decided to unplug, so there is no feeling to lose. My child's deadbeat dad pretends to the world that he's a nice guy, a faithful husband (to a new wife now with 2 small ones) pays thousands of dollars for publicists to promote his career, publicly donates money to charitable causes (for the promotion) buys and takes care of horses, lives on 100 aces and is behind three months in child support! Mind boggling indeed ... The time of silence is OVER ... It's time to use our voices ... speak up to anyone who will listen and expose this shameful behavior. The time of treating these rodents humanely is over ... it's time to shine a light on them and cage them ... End of story, good bye the end!

Monique - posted on 08/01/2012

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I have a question and some need for advice. My ex husband and I got divorced and in a state that didn't require a parenting plan.... He got out without paying child support he is active duty army and as am I, I couldn't find him to have him served with child support papers and I finally did, now he is tryi g to me that he won't have to pay the total amount set because they will take into account his debt and the army won't let him live out side of his means.... This doesn't even sound remotely true and doesn't make sense even Missouri CSS told me they don't take into account my debt or his debt the only thing they may remotely look at besides our base pay would be the cost of child care in my zip code.... Will someone please tell me which is true I haven't received any support in over 10 months.... I need to know:(

Jenette - posted on 07/30/2012

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Now imagine years go by and he calls you and says he is dying from drug use and he feels bad and wants to see the kids and you trust him. then the police call and tell you to come get your kids or they will call child protective services. he ran away and left the kids in the car. that was the last time we saw him four years ago. now all my friends tell me how lucky I am to not have baby daddy drama but my sons will always remember and hurt and I don't trust men.

Jenette - posted on 07/30/2012

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Now imagine years go by and he calls you and says he is dying from drug use and he feels bad and wants to see the kids and you trust him. then the police call and tell you to come get your kids or they will call child protective services. he ran away and left the kids in the car. that was the last time we saw him four years ago. now all my friends tell me how lucky I am to not have baby daddy drama but my sons will always remember and hurt and I don't trust men.

Rinker - posted on 07/11/2012

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Here's a deadbeat story that has ended. After no contact with ex-husband for more than 30 years I discovered through the SSDI that he had passed away. Our union produced two sons. He simply walked away from his children aged 4 and 1. Never a call or card did they get from him. He was ordered to pay each child $75/mo until they reached 21 years old. He died owing his sons $38,000 plus interest, collectively. I found his obituary online. He had remarried and had three children from that other union. No mention was made of his first two children. It stated that he was a strong Christian and a loving father. The article mentioned his siblings. I called a sister that I actually had met a couple of times. She knew right away who I was. I asked her why he passed. She said he had died at age 55 of brain cancer only 10 months after diagnosis. She thought it odd that I was calling since someone had adopted his children so many years ago. I told her that no one had ever adopted his children. She said, "Are you telling me that my brother lied to me?" About five minutes after I hung up the phone she called me back and accused me of being a gold digger. She then became worried about his deception and that his other children might find out about it. A person cannot argue effectively with a person that ignorant...they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. I did hire attorneys to ask the court to enforce an order for child support. Granted, it was in the seventies and bad parents could simply move again to evade enforcement. He called me one time to say that he couldn't pay because his wife didn't want him to. She was jealous of them, he said. She only wanted her own children. By then it had been years since he had abandoned his children. I found it best for all concerned to give the matter up to God to settle and step away from it. I discovered he went by a different first name than what knew him by and he had moved several times during those years and often worked for himself. I feel thankful that I didn't waste my life looking for him. I also found out that he didn't have money. He had many years of financial hardship and failed to satisfy other debts along the way as well and he was saddled with liens against his property for failure to pay his federa taxes. Not much gold there, ladies. I do remember the time he called to ask me if I missed him and did I think of him? I truthfully said, "no". I asked him if he wanted to talk with his children and he said, "No". Then he hung up on me. It is an uphill battle trying to make another person do the right thing when they don't want to. And it is a battle from which you most likely will not win the slightest satisfaction. If you continue to suffe due to your child being slighted by a non-caring absent parent, get some help through counseling.

Tina - posted on 07/10/2012

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Hi Amanda! I too am a single mother of two that is doing it on her own. My daughters father was never involved. I found out that I was pregnant two weeks after we ended our relationship. I too worried about how my daughter would feel to know that her dad didn't want to be involved and I still worry about how this is going to affect her throughout her life. I just have to put it in Gods hands and know that I am doing the best that I can, giving her and her brother all that I've got as both a mommy and a daddy. The cool part...I get a father's day handmade gift too!!! All joking aside, I feel your pain. My daughter is now 6 yrs. old and has finally asked the "why doesn't my dad love me?" question. My heart darn near broke in a thousand pieces. But I took a deep breath and kissed her little button nose and spun it in an entirely different direction. I honestly don't remember the exact words that I used in reference to her dad but I took the focus off of the lack of love from him and put it on the MASSIVE amount of love that she get's from others! So instead of feeling like she was denied love, I pointed out just how much LOVE she was getting from others. We immediately got a tablet of paper and started writing down names of those people that she knew that were crazy about her! Trust me...it went from maw maw and pap pap and each and every family, friend and yes, right down to cat! I made a huge deal about every single person that she thought of! Shoot, she even wrote down my boss because she had came into to work one day to visit and "I'm sure he loves me" so his name went on the list as well! When we got to where we didn't have anymore space on the paper (front and back) she was satisfied that she was truly loved by sooo many that the thought of her father didn't bring her spirit down anymore! I wish you the best of luck Amanda and keep your chin up girlie! As they grow, it might seem that they don't appreciate us but in the long run, I know that both of my kids will know in their hearts that mommy was always there for them...no matter what.

Lauren - posted on 07/10/2012

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How I feel about deadbeat dads in 20 words or less: Ultimately, you can't control anyone else's actions. Do what you can legally and leave it at that.

Much more important is what you tell your son. I think it is *hugely* important for kids to grow up understanding that they shouldn't take other people's actions personally. Dad's behavior is a perfect way to set up this lesson. "Daddy didn't want you" is perhaps the worst thing you can say to him - it makes him think that there was something wrong with him, that if he had done/been/said something different, his daddy would have wanted him. NOT TRUE. Dad's behavior has to do with one person - Dad. Maybe Dad has commitment issues. Maybe Dad is absolutely terrified of fatherhood. Maybe Dad is too immature to set instant personal gratification aside for something much more rewarding. There are a thousand thousand possible reasons for Dad not to be involved, most of which have to do with Dad's headspace, and Dad's issues. The best thing you can do is try to understand why Dad is a deadbeat (without making any excuses for him; empathy doesn't mean getting to a point where you are ever OK with how he's acting, because the bottom line is that he's shirking his responsibilities and shooting himself in the foot in the process, and nothing but acting differently is going to change that) so you can try to explain to your son what's going on in Dad's head, and how it has nothing to do with how deserving of love your son is or how much you love him. I think having this kind of perspective will help your son approach any future relationship with Dad (if he chooses to pursue one) with a mix of caution, lack of bitterness, and sense of self-worth.

... It will also help a great deal to get straight with Dad's treatment of YOU in your own head. Are you sort of hoping that bearing this man's child will somehow raise you in his estimation so he's ready to commit? Are you more upset that he is abandoning his son or that he is abandoning you? It's hard to tell your son not to take Dad's actions personally if you are taking them personally. He will see *right* through you. ;)

Jen - posted on 05/18/2012

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I have two kids, 14 and 15. The 15 year old has seen her father exactly three times in her life. Once when she was 2, once when she was 5(?), and once when she was 10(?). All three times it was because I paid for his transportation to see her. I think I've gotten maybe $1500 in child support from him total as he does not work, but has 6(?) kids by 4 different women.

The 14 year old sees her father most summers when she is at her grandmother's house. He and I don't talk as it always becomes a fight because I think there's something wrong with him. He's 18K behind in support.

My suggestion to you - file for child support. Keep the lines of communication open, meaning, send him an email when major events happen that he might be interested in attending/being aware of (ie starting school, getting a new belt in karate, a concert, awards ceremony, etc.) or contact information changes (phone number or you move) and include pictures of him sporadically. Keep it all about the child. As your child grows older keeping that line of communication open will help them to have things to talk about. I'd personally keep a copy of all emails sent, it's easy to bcc yourself and keep the email in a file.

I'd also suggest being sure that custody arrangements are legalized so that he can't pull the "I'm his father" mess and take your child. My oldest's custody arrangements aren't legalized but we live in different states and the likliehood he's going to come down and get her is slim to none.

When your child is old enough for social networking, and cell phones, forward their information (email address, cell phone number, etc) to their father so that they can contact the child directly.

Always be honest with your child about who their father is, have a picture of them so they can see who they are, and just say that you aren't sure why they weren't there and that they should ask their father when they talk to them. Tell them that mommy and daddy couldn't be together anymore, but that doesn't mean that we love you any less, sometimes mommy's and daddy's just can't be together anymore. Then keep it moving. They don't need to know the ugly details. They'll find out on their own how their father really is.

For me, it helped my kids for me to pick one small present to be from their fathers when they were very little, made them feel at least loved. They were teenagers before they found out that it was me doing that, and they told me that they really appreciated me doing that because it made them happy.... sorry this got so long. :)

Rinker - posted on 05/18/2012

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Amanda,

Quit wasting your time trying to get the attention of that self-centered selfish man. He is just not that into your son and he may never come to his senses and may never regret anything. It is much harder on you than it is on the absent deadbeat parent because you are living it everyday while he has moved on to what he sees are greener pastures You need to move on, too. You have someone really special to enjoy the future with.

Hire a private attorney and follow his/her advice on the abandonment issue. I feel it best to secure monetary support for your child.

I'm speaking from my observation of a lifetime of other people's experiences when I say that KARMA is real. Be careful of what you put out there. Be kind, but always answer you child's questions honestly and truthfully.

Ask God to bear the burden you are experiencing and place the outcome in his hands.

Jodie - posted on 03/08/2012

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I always say HIS LOST!!!! I have 2 children and their father hasnt seen them in approximately 2 years and only sent 2 child support payments in the 5 years we were without him....I just leave him alone cuz evintually he will realize he made a hard bed now he has to sleep in it.....also, those awkward times when the father tells his new girlfriend and mother of his new children he has no other children, and u just happen to show up with ur kids in tow looking just like his new ones.....Oh how I love revenge.....but hey girl....just leave him where he is, cuz if he isnt making an effort than he isnt even worth your time

Judi - posted on 12/26/2011

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Ouch! You hit a nerve there for me Amanda. I left my husband after 9 years of marriage. ( it was very bad the whole time with verbal & physical abuse. ) He decided to be a deadbeat dad, & was for years! My children wer 8, 7, & 5 when I left him,,,he never paid one penny of support for them but while they were still young they believed him & his new wife. They r now 34, 38, & 39 & know what really went on! My grandaughter has 2 children a 2 1/2 year old girl & a 9 month old boy.. they were lready split up when the boy was born but I believe his mother must have given some sort of ultamation because he came to see his son 1 time usy before they went home,, I don't believe he has seen him more than 3 times since! The only advice I can give you is the same I told my grandaughter,,,just love those babies as much as u can & there r plenty of other family & friends that love them,,they will be alright if they r truely loved! Good luck :)

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

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You're not alone! So many of us have been through the same thing. Go to court and hit him where it hurts most...his wallet!!! Make him pay! That will remind him every day that he has a child! I hate men like him! My kids have learned that they don't need that loser in their life, but money is always a good thing...and mommy with extra money to spend is even better...lol! I've always told my kids the truth about that drunk abusive loser, and they are better for knowing that he's a piece of garbage and it's never been their fault, and that they are the greatest kids on earth and it's his loss, not theirs. Teaching your kids the truth about most things in life early is wayyyy better than them finding out you are a lier later. Nobody has to respect garbage, so make sure the kid knows how wonderful he is and how wonderful you are, and that's all that matters. Oh, and get that money from that POS!!!!!

Ellen - posted on 11/05/2011

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You're not alone! So many of us have been through the same thing. Go to court and hit him where it hurts most...his wallet!!! Make him pay! That will remind him every day that he has a child! I hate men like him! My kids have learned that they don't need that loser in their life, but money is always a good thing...and mommy with extra money to spend is even better...lol! I've always told my kids the truth about that drunk abusive loser, and they are better for knowing that he's a piece of garbage and it's never been their fault, and that they are the greatest kids on earth and it's his loss, not theirs. Teaching your kids the truth about most things in life early is wayyyy better than them finding out you are a lier later. Nobody has to respect garbage, so make sure the kid knows how wonderful he is and how wonderful you are, and that's all that matters. Oh, and get that money from that POS!!!!!

Jodie - posted on 11/02/2011

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it isnt easy being a single parent, I did for 5 years until i found my new husband who is not my childrens father by blood, but he considers them to be his and he loves them with every part of his body.......if your sons father doesnt want to see him.....its his lost, he will some day know what he missed out on and KARMA is a real bitch when she wants to be.....you hang tight and do what you can to raise your little bundle of joy, he will one day ask about his FATHER and you have the right to send his right to his door step

Jodie - posted on 11/02/2011

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hi, touching story, I have been going through a custody arrangement and child support for 4 years.....my son was 2 and my daughter was 9 months when me and their father split.....it was hard to do it without them, but then I realized something after years of crying every time i looked in their big beautiful eyes......IT'S HIS LOST.....if he don't want to have access to his children, 2 beautiful miracles then thats his choice, but one day he will regret it, because they will be grown, and they will ask questions, and mommy (me) will send them straight to his door......but girl you have to know, whose the bigger person, you are raising your son, and doing what you can for him.......leave the dead beat where he is......YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T TRY......you can check out my blog i post daily readings, stats, jokes, poems what ever i feel for that day....heres my link

http://crazyhellraiser.blogspot.com/

please, pass it on to your friends and family.....and if there is any advice i can give or just be there to talk to......look me up......i hope you get all the answers your looking for.....oh and by the way, a little advice for you, even if he doesnt want anything to do with your son, the court agrees on the fact that, you made them, you support them

Jodie - posted on 11/02/2011

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hi, touching story, I have been going through a custody arrangement and child support for 4 years.....my son was 2 and my daughter was 9 months when me and their father split.....it was hard to do it without them, but then I realized something after years of crying every time i looked in their big beautiful eyes......IT'S HIS LOST.....if he don't want to have access to his children, 2 beautiful miracles then thats his choice, but one day he will regret it, because they will be grown, and they will ask questions, and mommy (me) will send them straight to his door......but girl you have to know, whose the bigger person, you are raising your son, and doing what you can for him.......leave the dead beat where he is......YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T TRY......you can check out my blog i post daily readings, stats, jokes, poems what ever i feel for that day....heres my link

http://crazyhellraiser.blogspot.com/

please, pass it on to your friends and family.....and if there is any advice i can give or just be there to talk to......look me up......i hope you get all the answers your looking for.....oh and by the way, a little advice for you, even if he doesnt want anything to do with your son, the court agrees on the fact that, you made them, you support them

Amanda - posted on 03/23/2010

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I know exactly what you are going thru. Omg and i feel awful. Myd daughter is 11 months old and greg walked out on her at 2 months old. He has come and gona a few times but i had to put a stop to it. He got with a women who lost her kids and drinking and drugs were more important. I told greg he could see roni as often as possible but was not allowed to leave my house with her bacause of his lifestyle. He choses not to see her because his new girlfriend might make accusations. I cant figure out how someone else is more important then this precious girl but those are his desicions. This weekend he called me this weekend to tell her happy birthday but funny how its not until next month so he broke down and cried. I still gave him 5 shots to see her this weekend willing to pick him up give him time with her and there was an excuse as to why he couldnt. Sometimes you just have to realize there not worth it. Greg will never get another chance to be a dad to my baby because i have finally realized he really doesnt want to be and he will not come in and out of her life as he does his other kids. Oh yes he has 3 more boys from 3 other mommys.

Nicolette - posted on 03/23/2010

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I SOOOO agree! If every dead beat Dad was arrested and jailed, at least we would know that they are paying for their Deadbeat-ness, while we are being 24/7 Moms and Dads. Their lives can be interrupted completly! Now, DEADBEAT Dads, wouldnt it had been easier to just do the right thing in the first place? For every $100.00 they owe shoudl be equal to a month in prison.

Julie - posted on 01/19/2010

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...another thought - If the daddy doesn't want to be a part of a child's life that child is better off than knowing there is a daddy who doesn't care. I had a son whose Dad lived one hour away and this son grew up without him. Compare that to the other children of mine whose daddy was dead. Its easier having them dead than alive and not caring. Ask my kids -
IF that Daddy wakes up THEN reconciliation will happen. My sister went through this and her son (35) is now very close to his deadbeat dad for the past 10 years - but it took years...
Always speak positive of the Dad as the kids takes responsbility for BEING unlovable ... whereas they are not at all to blame -

Ashley - posted on 01/19/2010

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It is hard doing it on your own. Most of the time though I just forget that my sons father is even a part of it. Sometimes I start to feel angry at him for abandoning his son but in the end I realize he is better off without him because any 'person' I will not refer to him as a man that would do this to a child is no kind of role model that I would want in my child's life. I do realize that it hurts but the child is what should be your first priority not begging his father to be a part of his life. If he doesn't want to be then shame on him on missing out on all of the great things that come with being a parent. You get to experience something special and beautiful every single day and should be grateful for that. Hopefully you use your knowledge of what not to look for in a man for the next relationship that you are in and this man will love your son as his own. Children are very resiliant to this type of thing, fortunately. If he knows that he has someone there to love and care for him and is interested in his best interest all of his life he is most likely not going to even want to seek a relationship with his father when he is older.

Sherrie - posted on 01/19/2010

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When that time comes, try to be as honest as you can without putting his father down. Let him know that you wanted him to have a relationship with his Dad but for reasons unknown to you that was not possible. I know it would be easier for you and less painful for Drew if you made excuses but if Drew finds out you lied to him then he will be devastated that the only parent he trusts has betrayed him. The best thing YOU can do for Drew is just be there for him. He will appreciate it that later in life. You will probably get the brunt of all the emotions about his father though because he knows whatever he says to you, you will always be there and will always will love him. Been through that but once they get through that stage they realize how much YOU have done for them and that is a wonderful thing. Hang in there. They say things always happen for a reason. Maybe there is a reason Drew's father is not suppose to be in the picture. Maybe you just dont know about it yet. You be the best Mom you can be and give all the love you can and that will be all your child needs.

User - posted on 01/19/2010

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Im going through the exact same thing. He started dating someone else when I was 5 months pregnant now I have a 6 month old and they are engaged. He has never met her and it baffles me because she is so bloody awesome. The only thing you can do is be the strongest mom you can be. Your playing both roles now and doing great so just keep on doin what your doin. It is something Im sure he will come to regret later on in life!!!!!

Hebah - posted on 01/19/2010

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Look Amanda,
I totally agree with Sandra, forget it about the father,,, think about yourself and your kid.. im a single mother of a lil girl… I raised her up since she was 1y and half by myself… my only advice to you is don’t ever ever ever mention any bad things about your kid’s father… it will leave a very bad impact.. and if he ever asks about his daddy, tell him a good stories about him… keep a great image of the daddy, even if you gonna lie,, I did this with my daughter and this left a great positive impact on my girl. By the way; when my daughter stars to ask me about her daddy and I started to tell her a good things about him, this made her feel great and when she starts seeing him after she became 3and half years, she is the ONE who bring him back into her life…
now he meets with her all the time and most of the weekend she spends it with him…
Trust me if you do your part well done… your kid will get his rights well done
My daughter now about to turn to 5years…
best of luck and keep thinking positively

Monica - posted on 01/19/2010

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Believe me I understand wholeheartedly. I have a deadbeat dad as well and I'm not sure if this is what u want to do but I just stopped calling, sending emails and everything. When my child asked about his father I told my child the truth and when I did talk to the father I said it will be up to my child if they would want a relationship with u. All u really can do now mom is just continue to keep doing what ur doing cause ur not the one missing out he is. He may realize that or he may never but as long as u do ur part and don't miss out on anything. U be the best mom u can be and right now that's all u can ask for . God Bless U and I hope everything works out for u and ur child.

Audrey - posted on 01/19/2010

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Ah pet. I was in a similar situation when my daughter was born but her dad came into her life when she was 8months old. When Mia was born he asked for a paternity test so my only saving grace now is that he not on her birth certificate and has not rights. He came back into me and my daughters life. And to this day i regret it. Because my daughter now thinks shes has a relationship with her dad she misses him. what I am trying to say to you is if your babyfather is showing you this level of disrespect why would you want him in you or your childs life. He is no good now and will be no good in the future trust me I have been through this. Instead of looking for something that does not exist move forward now with your future for you and your baby and when Drew is older he will see what an amazing mother her has and if he wants he will see his dad and you will be there to re afferm how much you love him. You are his mum your all he needs x

Marta - posted on 01/18/2010

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I have 6 month old twins and their father hasn't even tried to see them except for when they were a day old, he spent 15 minutes with them and left. Trust me when I say this, don't bother trying to talk to him. You need to focus all of your energy on your son, the more you worry about what the father is doing the more energy and commitment you'll take away from your son. As for child support/visitation rights by the court, think of whether it's really worth it to go to court, because if you have any doubts on whether he will actually help out, don't go that route and just forget about him all together. I know it's hard, I knew my kids father for 11 years when he walked out on me, but you have to keep your head up and move on. I wrote a letter to my kids about what happened between their father and I and one day when they are old enough I will let them read it, in it I just wrote that their father wasn't capable of taking care of them, because he really wasnt.

Julie - posted on 01/18/2010

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FIRST -Register with the State's Child Support Enforcement Bureau ASAP!

It took two to make baby right?

Don't count on playing on is emotions to get him to visit or pay up -

Sad enough as it is, THIS should be a very real aspect of sex education in the schools ... as it is as real as the conception itself -

.

Hannah - posted on 01/18/2010

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I'm going through the same thing. My son Hayden is 7 months and his dad has never met him either.He has treated me the same way Drew's father has you. I honestly don't understand how someone could act that way either. But what I've been doing is trying to let him go. I don't call or text him anymore. If he wants to talk to me, or see Hayden he will do it himself. You need to stand up for yourself and let him know you don't need him. It's a very hard thing to do, but this way he doesn't have the control, you do. Good luck!

Vicky - posted on 01/18/2010

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Amanda,
I agree with the rest of the ladies. This is a situation in which you've given him plenty of rope, so let him do the rest. It's apparent he already has. Please also be clear and honest with yourself about the reasons WHY you contact him - whether you still have lingering emotions and hopes about reconciliation and/or if you honestly DO want your child to have a relationship with this man. It's not bad to feel this way nor to have these thoughts and feelings. However, being clear about your actions is important for you and you need to be fully present for your son during this very difficult time.
My son's father is the same way and has never been involved with the pregnancy. My son is now 14 months old and I've heard that he's claiming certain actions he's taken are for the best interests of my son. Yet, he's never met him. I found the closure I need every day that goes by when my son smiles at me and I happen to think about what his father is missing out on. I don't feel bad for the father, I feel badly for my son. However, I do know that explaining to my son when he does ask is as simple as saying "some men can be fathers, few men are able to be dads." It's not fair for you to try to influence the child's emotions towards his father, even though you know that a hardened heart can handle the experience better - he will ALWAYS love his father. He will grow into the knowledge of who his father is on his own and unfortunately, that's something we can't protect our children from experiencing. Just give him all the love you have and all the knowledge you have to raise him better than you've experienced. Your son will know who he needs to become. Amanda, you're doing a great job. Stay focused on taking care of you and your son. The rest is details that you don't need to worry about. Good luck and BIG hugs for you and your little one!

Lisa - posted on 01/18/2010

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Truely, it's his loss.



I have been a single mother of a 13 years old girl, I divorced her father when she was 2. He has never seen her since. She always asked about him, I gave her short and simple answers when she was little. I told her I didnt know where he was (which was true) and showed her pictures of him. The need to see a picture is really important. I wanted her to know she has a real father somewhere. She has always wanted to meet him some day, prayed about it and then out of nowhere, he facebooked us (we both have our own facebook) and she was scared and talked with me about it. I approched him first and thought out about it for a few days before I let them talk to eachother. I could see in my daughters eyes the joy and happiness she was feeling, finally my dad. But the 11 years without him were tough. no lies. she always asked and I always shared. Every year I told her a little more and a little more as I seen her mature into the young adult she is becoming now.



But, sorry, I dont really have a happy tail to tell either. He has always paid child support, and now that he can see her and talk with her and take her places, he doesnt. Some guys just dont have it in them. It made me sad when she said, why did you marry him? Wow, I know she understands more now after meeting him and talking with him that there is just no fathering in him. He is just that (her biological father) and nothing more.



I really wanted to share this with you as I felt you needed to hear my story. Be a strong mother, enjoy every moment, dont think about his loss, dont let your childs loss worry you - Your child has you! Maybe, someday, he will want to see his son, but it is his call. Be happy, demand child support and live!

Lisa :)

Kimberly - posted on 01/18/2010

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Hang in there!! My son said to me the other day, " Mom I love my Dad but I don't like him very much. Sad but true. They know alot more than we give them credit for. I have always told my son that his Dad loves him he is just making bad choices but he is not a bad person.

Kathy - posted on 01/18/2010

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Maureen

Sweetie, you obviously have flew the coop!! That you shoulsd always be poud of. It takes a strong person to laeve a situation like that. But i have to tell you need to be very honest with your daughter about why you left. Iff she is not old enough to understand, trust me someday you will have the conversation! But also brace yourself that these guys "never do anything wrong" they will try everything they can to play on the chils sympathy when they are grown. I would have never dreamed that either one of my kids would have gone back to their fathers since they were "missing in action completely for 22 years". But they did because of curiosity and they need to be wanted, loved, and accepted!

Good luck!

My prayers are with you!!!

Kathy

Christine Joy - posted on 01/18/2010

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You dont have to say anything at all now.Just wait till you child is old enough to understand things and tell your child not a bad word bout the father but just explain to your child that the guy is just not on his right time to be a father at the time he is needed and just give your child all your love and support cause he only have you

Tanya - posted on 01/18/2010

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My kids father is a drop kick too. Best thing you can do is nothing. Its his choice to not be involved. When your child asks about their dad. You simply tell them that when he was born that you and h that u will support him but its his choce is dad were not together and that you tried to contact him several times but unfortunatley his dad did not respond. Tell him if you want contact him then you will support him.

Amanda - posted on 01/18/2010

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hey amanda i totally get what you mean. my lil girls dad hardly ever sees her and than he blames me for not seeing her even though i have done everything i can to get him to come in. his main thing is that he wants to take her away to his family, who have never met her, and away from me. this is kinda hard cuz im bf her and she doesnt really settle for anyone but me. its really hard cuz even tho she is only 5 months old im worried bout what im going to tell her when she gets older he doesnt pay for anything and never has and i just dnt know what to do about him anymore so im just leaving him to do his onw thing and he can visit from 2:30 til 6 if he can make it but most of the time he couldnt be bothered so thats not my problem i guess hope things get better between you two but if not you can do it by urself and do a great job at it

Alana - posted on 01/18/2010

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I know what your going through. I'm a single mom to 11-1/2 month old twins. Their father wanted nothing to do with them the day I told him I was pregnant (I didn't even know I was having twins at the time). He never asks about them, doesn't do child support, isn't on their birth certificate, doesn't do anything to help and has never seen them. I'm getting to the point where I don't want him to see them, I don't want him to only be in there lives when he wants to be. He's the one that missing out on two wonderful babies. I feel so lost on what to do sometimes but I know I have to put my twins first and do whatever is best for them. Its tough being a single mom but your not alone and there are so many people here for support.

Sarah - posted on 01/18/2010

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Your obviously better off without him. You have done fine so far, so let him get on with it its his loss you have your beautiful son, he doesnt.

[deleted account]

my advice to you is not to say anything bad about the father in front of Drew.. when he gets old enough to start asking about his dad just tell him you have tried your best to get him to come .. Let the man make himself look bad ...and suffer the consequences. No child needs to feel that they are not wanted by a parent, even if they are

DANIELLE - posted on 01/17/2010

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WOW- DO I KNOW THAT FEELING- MY DAUGHTER WILL BE 1 ON WEDNESDAY AND HER GRANMOTHER N HER DADS SIDE STILL IS UNAWARE SHE EVEN EXHISTS. MY "SPERM DONOR" THINKS HE IS A RAPPER AND POSTS ELABORATE STATUS' ON MYSPACE HOW HE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY WITH HIS OTHER DAUGHTER BUT HAS NVR CHANGED MY DAUGHTERS DIAPER-NVER EVER FED HER- LET ALONE GOT UP WITH HER IN THE NIGHT-- IM DEBATING ON TELLING HIS MOTHER SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL GRAND BABY- I HAVE HER NUMBER AND ADDRESS-- THEN I THOUGHT OF SENDING HER AN INVITE TO MY DAUGHTERS FIRST BIRTHDAY- SPERM DONOR DENIED HER TWICE TO HIS MOTHER, BUT PAYS ME 200 A MONTH-= HMM-- IM LOST AS WELL-

Leanne - posted on 01/17/2010

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TRUST ME...let him go girl! You cant force someone to be in their kids lives. Enjoy being there for you child & you have already done more than you need to. Your son will know the truth once he gets older & will respect you for at least trying & always being the one there for him. You dont want to keep pushin him in your sons life & him be there halfway like my sons father is! Your gonna regret it!

Kaila - posted on 01/17/2010

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Get child support! My son is 21 months old and has seen his "father" once for three hours when he was 14 months old. He says that he wants to be in his life but never shows it. He just got back from Korea for the army last weekend and was suppose to be here this weekend but said that he doesn't have the "finances" for it. He does this every time. Gavin and I are better without him. I would love for him to be in his life but if he's not it's his loss. Keep your chin up. You will find someone that will love your son like he is his own. Everything will be ok...... but get that child support haha

Yolanda - posted on 01/17/2010

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Amanda, I do understand your feelings (been there). This is something that will never go away, however time will soften the blow. The best thing to do is pray and put your best effort forward to get your son and his dad together ("which from the sound of it that' s what you're doing). When you've exhausted all measures to get them together, let it go. It's good to be able to walk away knowing you've done your best, that eliminates any room for regrets. As moms we have that instinct to protect our children, so when the time comes to discuss the situation with your son, tell him the truth (gently). Keeping positive, this situation may never arise and the dad may finally have an epiphany and come around. Best wishes to you and your son.

Kendra - posted on 01/17/2010

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For everyone...if the ex hasnt even tried to see your children and its been more then 6 months since he has seen the child/or children go file for child abandonment to obtain all parental rights. That could also be a way for the state to get child support for you. I have yet to do it but it takes having money for a lawyer. Also dont ever go through legal aid, they are a joke...well state of nebraska's legal aid is!

Jennifer - posted on 01/17/2010

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my daughter's dad is the same way, but it's his loss, she's 14 and he's never been a part of her life. i just feel that some men aren't mature enough and are way too self-centered to care about anybody else, i always tell her that she's my blessing and his not being around is in no way her fault. he's the bad person and he's the one that's missing all the blessings that she brings!

Brandy - posted on 01/17/2010

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The best thing you can do is say nothing about your child father, until your child is old enough to ask and understand. Then you must not say bad things about the father, just say he wasn't at a place in his life where he could be a father, and if you child is old enough support their need to try and find his father, maybe start out finding the grandparents and going from there. Just always be supportive and let your child know you love them no matter what

Rhonda - posted on 01/17/2010

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I know exactly how you feel, my son is 6 and his dad has never really been a hands on father, we sperated when my son was 3, and his father has seen him twice in 3 years, never calls doesnt even send him gifts for birthday, easter, xmas etc. I must say that my son is not stupid, I have never talked badly about his father in front of him and my son does not want anything to do with him. As far as child support make sure you get it!! My ex refuses to wrok and he lives off the system and now has another child with someone else, so needless to say I don't get child support. But all in all it is his loss, and he is missing out on the greatest gift, which is his child.....so hang in there, and just remember to give lots of love and your child will be fine:)

Marissa - posted on 01/17/2010

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baby girl u know what dont hide it from her tell her so she will know what not to deal with when she gets older just give her all ur love and she will be ok if u raise her right u dont have to worry about her being like him at all keep ur head up and keep moving forward

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