How to fix the hate for dead beat dads!!??

Volleyballer3409 - posted on 08/03/2017 ( 5 moms have responded )

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How do I get over the hate I feel for the kids dad that left me with all the responsibilies while he goes off and has none. I feel like Im starting to loose my mind I have three girls 4, 2, and 4 months going to school to become a firefighter/paramedic and is running off fumes. I feel like I have been a bad mom to my standards and I dont know how to get rid of this hate so I can move on and become a better mom and dad for these girls. They deserve better, I need to be that better for them. I just don;'t get how a parrent can just leave and not care never hold their baby, while in the delivery room he slept wasnt there for me ever or the kids like I just cant wrap my head areound it. It's been almost three months that we have been split and he is just living his life. Is going out all the time, told me we was going to pick up the girls for the first time to take them to a art walk never showed up found out he went but was drinking. But he told me he couldnt make it to the art walk that day. He enlisted into active duty army so he will be moving away and never see the girls. Any advise or anything?

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Vanessa - posted on 08/07/2017

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Exactly - great point. May I add? Forgive the mistakes- not the person. God passes forgiveness and judgement on a person; we must forgive each other - unless the person is lost. Otherwise - forgive the mistake, love the person - let God do the forgiving. It's the bleeding out of your empathy and feeling like you need to 'forgive him' that holds you in bondage. Hopefully Ive worded this right and you can start letting go now! He's a jerk - don't forget!

Vanessa - posted on 08/07/2017

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Kristen, It's ok. Here is how I got over the hate. And you ARE a great mom for being aware of how the hate causes you to parent not so well. KUDOS. I realized something very important - I am not at fault for his crappy treatment toward me. And if that meant I could be free of feeling like I was at fault, then that meant the children were not at fault for their crappy treatment... by me. Which means, i am probably hurting them, and need to stop, like the EX needs to stop. That stopped the guilty feelings from welling up inside me and making me burst out with hatred toward everyone. My conscience stepped up to say - no i dont want my kids to feel how i feel, so I can at least stay conscious of this and commit to not being like the ex and hurting their fragile hearts. If I can't hardly take it then they probably can't either - This frees you up from guilt and stops you from hating yourself! It gives you confidence! and then you will be on your way to remembering WHY you left him, holding on to what a jerk you know he is - and letting that make you mad helps, too. The kids love you, let that help keep you conscious too. Let me know if you have any more questions!

Iya - posted on 08/06/2017

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Dear Kristen, I see you are facing a tough predicament with the dad of your children not being what you expect him to be especially in your kids' lives. We can't always influence people to do what we want them to do as in your case, but thank God we have control over our reactions to their behaviour. Have you also tried having an objective dialogue with him so he knows what your expectations are and how much his behaviour might be causing you pain?
Forgiving his shortcomings and just letting go of the feelings of anger will help you a lot. You will be better able to show up fully in your children's' lives as a happier person.
I will be praying you reach a level of peace and resolution on this issue.
Cheers
Iya

Volleyballer3409 - posted on 08/04/2017

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Believe me that is one thing that I don't do is talk crap about their dads. My oldest has a different father, I didn't know how split parenting worked because I have never been through it before none of my family members have split parenting or anything like this. I didn't know how it would feel that when you child is at their dads and there is another women there being mom to the kid, it hurt but after putting my feelings aside im glad that she loves her and im glad that her step mom is there for her when im not. When it comes to my oldest dad he ran away from me and his kids he never takes them even if I ask or cares to act like I dad that's when I don't get it. But that being said I still never say anything like that my feeling about them in front of any of the girls. Maybe one day he will realize what he missed out on with them and kids aren't dumb they know. Im just still hurting inside and I get over whelmed and feel like im taking it out on the girls sometimes, never realized how hard it is to be a single parent and I feel like its not going to get easier, but its all worth it!!!

VA - posted on 08/04/2017

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First thing you need to remember is that though you're really pissed at him, though you hate him, he is the father of your children. If you talk shit about him in front of them, that makes you just as dead beat a parent.

I get it, though. I have 3 kids... they're 12, 14 and 15 now... so I hear you on the age difference, it's a tough one. I split from their dad when they were still in diapers, I was working full time, AND I was going to college part time, so believe me, I GET IT.

You won't be able to get rid of the hate. You just need to love your children more than you hate their father.

That means you don't talk shit about their father, it means you encourage them to think of him, you encourage them to talk to them, you encourage visitation... it means you don't talk shit about their father's new gf(s) - you don't cause trouble in their dad's home by trying to get his kids to hate him or hate the people in his life. That is not for you to do, and in the end does nothing but damage the relationship between the kids and their father.

Picture this scenario. 5 years from now, you've met and married a WONDERFUL man...perfect for you... treats you well... treats your kids well.... your deadbeat ex now sees the kids every other week or whatever the case may be.... and over time, you realize that your girls are starting to be distant from your husband, their stepdad. You start realizing, as they get older, that the kids stop listening to him... he pulls away from them... you start fighting with your husband... you find out that Dad said stepdad is a loser and doesn't love the kids like Dad does. The kids now have a crap relationship with the person YOU love....you now have a crap relationship with the person you love... your kids are pissed at you because they think you're putting stepdad first...because of the ex.

Don't be that ex. Destroying not only your ex's relationship, but the relationship between your ex and his kids, and the relationship between the new gf and your kids.

This is not about you, it's about the kids. They're your kids - but they're his TOO. No more MY kids... it's OUR kids, and always will be. No more telling him what to do, no more telling him he's an idiot, no more complaining to him about things... none of it is his concern, and you are not the only parent. Yes, I understand that right now you're the only one ACTING like a parent... but there ARE two of you. When the kids are with dad (and they surely will be), don't be the nag - don't try to control it, don't try and dictate what he can and cannot do - he is EQUAL PARENT to you. Custody means nothing in terms of "parent"... if you start making stupid demands like meeting his new gf, seeing his home, demanding to know what the kids ate, what they did, you come off as a controlling bitch and it will just cause further issues.

How you get over the hate? Act like he's dead, honor his memory as their father. And when they're with him... LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Trust me, it will be better in the end.

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