How to handle your baby's father when your not with them?

Kylie - posted on 12/19/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am 23 years old and had already broken up with my 10 month old daughter's father before i even found out i was pregnant. i considered not telling him but in the end decided to do the right thing. for the part 5 months my daughter's father comes once a week and spends one hour with her. i have trouble accepting him as her father and hate seeing him holding her. i dread the day he wants to take her outside my house and for longer then a hour. its not that he is a bad person he just doesnt have a clue about children. the night after he has been over isabelle is a nightmare. she wakes up hourly and wont settle. does anyone have any suggestions how i can be more calm around my daughter's father and how to deal with him?

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Charity - posted on 04/30/2010

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i agree with all the mothers on this topic because i am going through the same thing with my ex. We were dating for a short period of time when i got pregnant and then he left.He got scared and didnt want nothing to do with me or his daughter, which is understandable but still. I have been doing this on my own since i was about 3 months pregnant and now that my daughter is 4 and a half months im still doing it on my own. I think its the best thing for her because if her father wanted anything to do with her, he wouldnt be asking for a paternity test. He was around when she was about a month old he seen her and held her and had a bond with her and then just got scared once again and took off. This is very hard for me and i want to hurt her father so bad, but like the other mothers said its not gonna do any good and your children will sense the tenseness that their mother has..so i stay calm and just let him do what he wants and what he thinks is right. He's not in my daughters life and honestly thats the way i rather it be..if he doesnt want to be a father than thats his choice. Im not goin to make him do something hes not ready or willin to do..just keep your head up and remember that your not the only one goin through this and that your a great mother and your child needs you more than anything, so dont give up hope..just stay calm and let things to its course and eventually it will get easier and you wont feel so much hate towards him

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Rosalie Angelina - posted on 05/29/2013

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im a 20 year girl. my 1 year old son died last wednesday after he got hit by a car in front of his home. at 1:30 in the afternoon last wednesday i received a phone call from his foster parents and they told me he got killed. yes i told my baby daddy who is my ex fiance. im now happily engaged to an amazing 23 year old guy who im living with. now my ex fiance aka my sons father is accusing me of cheating on him which i dont cheat in a relationship. how do i get my ex off my back?

Jane - posted on 04/08/2013

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I would be thankful he makes the effort to come and visit. My baby daddy hasn't ever done that

Crystal - posted on 04/30/2010

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me and my ex broke up when i was 4 months pregnant and we were still living together in a hostile environment until i was about 6 months pregnant. i called him when i went into labor and got to the hospital to allow him to be there for the birth but he never showed never called to see how "our" son was or anything. i wouldnt allow him to take him out of my sight for the longest time and if i needed anything for my son he would somehow always have no money and wouldnt help me out. Now he gets him every other weekend and it normally doesnt bother me but every once in awhile i wonder what is going on when my son does leave. I think its being a good mother to worry but at the same time you will learn to let go a little bit and allow him to be the father he needs to be. As long as there is no abuse in the house. It really just takes some time but you will get there.

Emily - posted on 04/30/2010

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lol... my ex held my daughter for the first time when she was three months old and all i could do was imagine bashing in his kneecaps with a baseball bat. im sure it does just take time, but it doesnt help that he blatantly refuses to help support her financially and his reasoning? "im not going to give you money... we dont get along." it all depends on the situtation. i try to keep myself super busy so that i dont sit and dwell on it. i will admit that it does make me feel sick to my stomach when he's around her.

Tiffany - posted on 04/30/2010

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i didnt let my son go anywhere with his father until he was almost 2 because his dad is a whore and a huge liar. i didnt feel comfortable with leaving my son with him when he was younger because hes never stable in his life he likes to come and go when he pleases, so it just takes some time because more times than not the father isnt ready to be alone with the child, and that's the truth

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My ex left right after convincing me to get pregnant and I still have the same reaction to him as you do your ex. I know the feeling that you want to protect her. Here is what I think of whenever I start to get a little "flipped out". My son was God's child before he was gifted to me to raise. Therefor, God will protect him when I can't. In the meantime, you have to get a grip on how you feel and I know thats easier said than done. Your daughter can sense that you are uneasy and she may be reacting to it. Have faith in yourself. I would suggest a parenting class for him before he asks for the overnight visit. Its a reasonable request and it will only benefit your child in the long run. Good Luck!

Andrea - posted on 12/20/2009

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My situation is a lil different in that my ex was very verbally abusive... he is not the best dad and has 2 other older children, he is much older than me but that still doesnt make it any easier to let my son go with him!!! I dont trust him and he lets my son eat all sorts of junk, lets him hit, pull hair, kick, etc and thinks its funny!! I have learned and its only been a couple of months since he started getting him and we are 4 hours apart so getting to my son quickly if something happened is not possible, that I have to let what happens at dads stays at dads. I have to put my faith in God that he is watching over my lil man and protecting him because I have no control when he is gone, I cant tell him to do something cause he will do the opposite just to spite me. When I see him, I put on an imaginary shield so that he cant get to my emotions or hurt me any further. It gets easier at time goes by, doesnt make me not worry I think thats us being a good mom, but each time we have a transition time so that he knows whats going on and its better for my son. You have to figure out whats best for you and your son and go from there, time and trials are what has worked for me.... I wish you the best of luck its a hard road for all of us as a single mom and not wanting our ex's to have anything to do with our children but they are their dads and they need them in their lives so for my son I will give every opportunity but its his dads choice on whether or not he sees him and he has canceled several times so who knows whether they will even continue to see our kids???

Renae - posted on 12/20/2009

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Kylie, I think first you have to ask your self is he good with children or just unaware of how to raise a child. Sometimes recommending a parenting class or daddy and me class can ease the frustrations of being a new father or mother for that matter although if he is only coming over 1 hour each week just let him bond with the child if that is truly his desire and guide him maybe change the child in front of him ask if he would like to the next time and the same with feeding him or reading to him, rocking and playing with him be a good teacher to the ones that need it and remember sometimes we affect peoples emotions better with the only weapon that is not brutal and that is with kindness. Maybe find a book to read or knit or sew or something while he visits it will keep your mind off of the immediate situation, that way your mind is elsewhere but your body is right there if your daughter needs you. Renae Cooley

Amy - posted on 12/20/2009

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When my ex and I split I was so scared to let him see my kids. I just told my self to remain calm and remember, soon this will be over. I dreaded the first weekend in which the kids went with him overnight, I found that he kids were safe and I was able to check up on them anytime. I would recommend that you stay as calm as possible and remember, he will be gone soon and Isabelle will be just fine. As far as the nightmares, I would do something that calms her down before bed and try to not show her how stressed you are when he is there. If you need to, when he leaves do something that relaxes you, so she won't be as tense the rest of the night too. If he is being rude to you, I would just point blank say, "Knock it off or get out of my house. It isnt about you and me, it's about our daughter." I hope everything works out for you and Isabelle. You will be just fine, just remain calm and have fun with your daughter. Good Luck, sweetie and Merry Christmas.

Jessica - posted on 12/20/2009

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I went through the exact same thing..my son's father and I broke up when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant so when it came down to him coming over to see his son it made me sick to my stomach. I can't remember the exact age I started letting him take him out of my house... I think around 5-6 months?? But honestly it just takes time. Your going to feel uneasy about it. My ex was only 22 when my son was born but it's important to let the father be in his child's life even though you may hate him. Now 2 years later I don't feel uneasy at all about my son leaving with his father but like I said it definitely takes time.

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