How to leave a unhappy relationship with 2 children?

JENNY - posted on 03/13/2017 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi there
I would like some.advice on.how to leave a relationship and start fresh. The relationship I am.in has been a long and miserable one and I'm coming to the end. I have been in this relationship for 9 years and had 2 beautiful boys. I was 18 when I had my first and 20 for my second. Both pregnancies were miserable because my partner didn't choose be around me as I was called a "miserable bitch" so he chose to.be out with his friends every weekend drinking and whatever else. I had to.get him out.of the.pub when my waters broke with my first and he disappeared whilst I was having contractions in the hospital with my second. My two.children are.now 7 and 5 and I feel like I Tryed my best bringing them.up especially doing majority of it on.my own as his "going out" has carried on and still are.now. there has been.numerous times I have bucked up.the.courage to.go the last one being just before Christmas. I had a house reading but he played the soft.bloke saying that "he doesn't want me to.leave and saying that he "loves me" which I know he doesn't mean but I fell for it yet again. I Carnt talk to my mum about it because I know deep down she doesn't like.him for how he has treated me and I also let her down by not.going through with the house. I feel.ashamed in myself that I've made my life turn out.like.this and this is why I want to live my life as a single.parent and find myself again. I'm miserable everyday I have no one to go.out with and every weekend I'm in babysitting while still he goes out. I'm so.lonely and Alls I want is someone there who will.apriciate me for.who I am. Is there any men out.there who isn't a total prick. I currently work.full.time so I'm paying my way but I don't want to go onto housing I prefer private tenacy but what places will take housing benefit for short period while I get myself on my feet? I would really like.someone to.reply to me or if there is anybody who is going through the same it.would be nice to think that it's not just me.
Thanks for reading and hopefully will.hear back from.someone. Jenny x

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Elaine - posted on 03/14/2017

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Dear Jenny, I am so so sorry for how badly you are hurting. This is a hard situation. I think you do know what you have to do. You have a lot of history here and have seen the choices that he has made and continues to make. It is understandable that you feel lonely and sad because you are alone and you are parenting alone most of the time. You are also on an emotional roller coaster because he tells you he loves you and cares and his actions say something different. You deserve love and respect. You have been a good Mom to your two children and they need you. They are at ages where they will need a lot of attention and support as they go into their next years. Your mom loves you unconditionally, and while she may be upset, she will be there for you if you share your pain and ask for her support. Consider talking to a counselor who can also give you support. There are single moms groups that might help as well. Your doctor or pediatrician may be able to give you resources. If you belong to a church, please speak to your pastor! You can do this! You have your whole life ahead of you and much to look forward to with your boys. There is financial assistance out there and if that is what you need to do right now, that is OK. Do not lose hope! Reach out to friends and family who will love and support you. Please take steps to see how valuable you are. Do this for yourself and your children who need their Mom to be strong and healthy. I wish you all the best.

Ev - posted on 03/13/2017

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{{I would like some.advice on.how to leave a relationship and start fresh. The relationship I am.in has been a long and miserable one and I'm coming to the end. I have been in this relationship for 9 years and had 2 beautiful boys. I was 18 when I had my first and 20 for my second.}}
--I can understand how sometimes a relationship can get miserable. Nine years is a long time for a relationship.

{{ Both pregnancies were miserable because my partner didn't choose be around me as I was called a "miserable bitch" so he chose to.be out with his friends every weekend drinking and whatever else. I had to.get him out.of the.pub when my waters broke with my first and he disappeared whilst I was having contractions in the hospital with my second.}}
---I can understand one child but why did you have another with him if things were not so good during the first pregnancy? If he was being so bad about being around and helping and available—why did you have another child with him.

{ My two.children are.now 7 and 5 and I feel like I Tryed my best bringing them.up especially doing majority of it on.my own as his "going out" has carried on and still are.now. there has been.numerous times I have bucked up.the.courage to.go the last one being just before Christmas.}}
---It does not sound like the communication has been good. Did you ever talk to him about what troubled you or why he did the things he did? Communication is important.

{ I had a house reading but he played the soft.bloke saying that "he doesn't want me to.leave and saying that he "loves me" which I know he doesn't mean but I fell for it yet again.}}
---You know the way he is why keep going back?

{ I Carnt talk to my mum about it because I know deep down she doesn't like.him for how he has treated me and I also let her down by not.going through with the house.}
---I am a mother. Yes, moms get disappointed in some things their kids do especially if the choices are not the right ones. That does not mean they do not love you any less. You should really think about talking to her. She would at least listen even if she did not like your choices and she might even be able to suggest ideas to help you out. Do not disregard family.

{{ I feel.ashamed in myself that I've made my life turn out.like.this and this is why I want to live my life as a single.parent and find myself again. I'm miserable everyday I have no one to go.out with and every weekend I'm in babysitting while still he goes out. I'm so.lonely and Alls I want is someone there who will.apriciate me for.who I am.}}
---We all have moments when we are not proud of ourselves for any reason. It is good that you want to do something about that and make your life better. But you also have to learn to love yourself and make YOU happy. Having someone to make you happy is not what life is about. Only YOU can make YOU happy. You cant depend on a guy to do that for you.

{{Is there any men out.there who isn't a total prick.}}
---I am sure there are guys that are not total pricks out there but you need to take care of yourself first and concentrate on your kids. YOU do not have to have a man to Validate who you are and what you are. That is a big misconception.

{{ I currently work.full.time so I'm paying my way but I don't want to go onto housing I prefer private tenacy but what places will take housing benefit for short period while I get myself on my feet? I would really like.someone to.reply to me or if there is anybody who is going through the same it.would be nice to think that it's not just me.}}
-----I am glad you work full time and are working on things and paying your way. As for help with housing and such, you need to check your local area for those services. Being international site, we can not help you with that.

MY ADVICE:: First, you should try to get your guy into counseling to work things out for the sake of the kids if possible. Second, if that should not work, you need to get custody, visitation and child support taken care of. Do this through the courts not on your own. It really helps you in the long run and protects all involved. It will force dad to be responsible for his end on taking care of the kids and the child support can help with expenses such as rent, food, utiliites and such. Third, get yourself into counseling. You sound like you need to work out some things and talking to someone can help. Fourth, you do not need a man to feel validated. That falls on you. No one person in your life can make you happy or feel worthy; that is on you. Yes, it feels nice to have someone to care for you but you can not depend on them to validate who you are, what you are, and your place in this world. While on the subject, you do not need to be worried about a man in your life as you have two children that need you more so. If you have friends see about planning an outing here and there to get out and see if grandma will watch the kids for that time frame. Find a hobby to get into. There are other things you can do as well and some for free if you check your area. Take it from a mom who was married 12 years and divorced right after with two kids: I did not date the whole time my kids were still growing up because they needed me. I also did learn eventually that I did not need a man to make me happy. I learned to love myself in time. I also took up some hobbies to keep me busy too. I also had made a choice for them too and they had to live with dad more than me but that is another story. I focused on them and myself. To this day 14 years later---I am a happy single woman.

5 Comments

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Ev - posted on 03/20/2017

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Jenny--you should try to see if he would go to counseling for couples first. Explain that you think it might help your situation together. If he does not want to do that--get yourself into counseling at least. You also might have to consider a split from him but be sure to get custody, visitation and child support figured out as soon as you can. I am not saying it will come to this but those are things you need to think about.

On the other hand, you do not have to have a man to feel validated as a person. You are the one that makes you happy. I know...I have been there.

JENNY - posted on 03/20/2017

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This had made me cry!! I didn't expect to get any replys and I feel so happy that people like yourselves have taken your time out to read this.
I have read your comments and feel better to hear someone else's views on my situation. I know that Its not going to be nice but I really want to be happy. Is it sad that I fantasies about what I want I life. I kind of do it all the time because I'm so desperate to have that life but I'm not as confident as I used to be, I panic and worry so much about things. I need to stop being this person but saying this I'm scared of changing that.
I am well and truly frightened of being on my own both as a single parent and financial but I spose you get used to it. Is there a way of making that break. I cannot move to my parents as there is room there. He is working away at the moment and won't be back until the end of the week I feel so much better when he isn't here as the atmosphere is horrible. I love him for him giving me my boys but I do not love him for how he had mistreated me and putting me through these emotions. Should I set myself a time to go and do it without him knowing or shoukd I tell him? Xx

Sarah - posted on 03/13/2017

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Jenny, it sounds like you already know what to do. Yes, there are men out there who will appreciate you and your kids. First, you have to get yourself on your feet and be happy being on your own. If it means relying on government assistance, then so be it. Waiting until you can afford a place on your own will just prolong your unhappiness.

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