How to prepare to tell my son that about his dad that is not in our lives?

Laura - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My son is 3 months old. I dated his dad for 3 months before I got pregnant. I am 18. The first few months of my pregnancy my boyfriend was talking about how we are going to have a wonderful family and how he is going to step up to be a good dad by getting a job and graduating. By the time I was 5 months pregnant he told me he is praying I get in a car accident and cussed me out daily and told me how much of a piece of trash I was. I was pretty much is punching bag (he didn't hit me, just verbally). After months of constantly being put down I finally got the strength to tell him I'm not going to let him treat me like that. I was sure he was cheating on me (he ignored me during my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby so he could text and he showed no interest in me anymore). So I began telling him if he can't straighten up he can't be in my life. He promised to change. That lasted MAYBE a day. He kept doing drugs, getting arrested, drinking, and disrespecting me. I cut all ties and he didn't care. I talked to his mom once in awhile because I wanted to make sure at least one person from his family knew how we were. A few weeks before my due date he began to email me begging me to let him come to the hospital. I,once again, told him he can if he can talk to me respectfully. Of course that didn't happen. So he didn't come. I allowed his mom to come because she didn't do anything to hurt me (she stayed maybe 5 minutes a left....). My son is now 3 months old and his dad still hasn't attempted to meet him. Him, his mom, and his girlfriend tell me it isn't fair for me to not let him meet him. His dad also asked about signing his rights over because he didn't want to pay child support (currently trying to get that figured out...have to find him first) because he doesn't feel like getting a job. My son doesn't deserve to have a dad treat me like this and have him come in and out of his life when he feels like being a decent person. Am I right? Or am I making a mistake? Also how do I tell my son when he starts asking about his dad?

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T - posted on 09/06/2012

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When I was growing up my mother & father divorced before I was 1. He was never there, but even though he verbally abused her and once in a while physically, she never talked bad about him to us. She actually made excuses to us for him not being there. She sometimes even bought us gifts on Xmas and said they were from him. Don't get that confused with her being a weak person. On the contrary, she's a very strong independent woman. But she wanted us to realize on our own terms the type of person he was and the type of parent he really wasn't. And guess what, it taught us to love, not hold grudges, and it make me respect my mom even more for not reducing herself to his level. It did not take long for me to realize as a kid I didn't want to look up to him.



I'm not saying u need to be like my mom, but it's not your job to tell your son how his daddy didn't care or you two didn't get along or about any battles. You are right in saying you both deserve better, but we can't change what's already happened. You can move on with ur life and if u find a new love make sure they are the better father figure role model that your son needs and he will see the difference of who is there for him and who isn't. Teach ur son to love, even his father and the dead beat dad will one day screw it up on his own

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