I am civil with my daughters father but truth is I cannot stand him in my presence due to our relationship breakup?

Barbara - posted on 05/16/2011

My ex did this to me for the first 9 months of my daughter's life. He also didn't pay me anything, and I never asked. But he wanted to come see her whenever he felt like it - it was at his whim. It was most certainly about CONTROL. Whenever I said I was busy - he would accuse me of not allowing him to see his daughter and cause an argument. Calling me in the morning to say he wanted to come that afternoon, was certainly UNFAIR to me.

He eventually threatened to get custody (which I knew was bull) so luckily I found a free legal mediator service where I live specially for family matters like this.

I took him there and forced him to sign an agreement setting out what his 'access' rights are, what my 'custody' rights are, and what he is legally supposed to pay in child support.

Since then there is NO question about what the schedule is. I am flexible, if he can't do one of his 2 days, then I allow him to switch if he gives me proper notice. As a single working mother I need a schedule I can follow and my daughter needs routine and consistency.

I HIGHLY recommend getting an agreement, even if it cost you money to do, I would have paid for it if I had to, the expense of a legal agreement in regard to co-parenting is WORTH it. That piece of paper has saved us many an argument, because all I have to say is read our agreement.

Men like to be in control, one of the tips the mediator gave me was to offer the man CHOICES. That way he feels in control, because he gets to pick a choice. LOL It actually works. Good luck.

Stefanie - posted on 05/16/2011

he will not make a set schedule he said since he is so crazy busy all the time. and i just feel that if we go to court it is just more stress on my shoulders. i just feel that it forces him to visit his daughter & if someone doesnt want to do something i wouldnt want to force him to do it. then he might make our daughter sense it or upset or sad?

Karmi - posted on 11/03/2010

I think you should go for the schedule and take him to court. He shouldn't decided when he wants to pay support, the court should. It isn't like you can pick and chose when you want your child to have money to live on! When I read your post I feel that he is taking control of you and he doesn't want to lose that control so that is why he gets mad about you bringing it up. You deserve to have control over your own life and the times he comes over. Plus it will only make it more routine for your daughter and not so confusing that she doesn't know what is suppose to come next.

Denae - posted on 11/01/2010

DEFINATELY GO WITH A SCHEDULE, AND I WOULD TAKE HIM TO COURT ON CHILD SUPPORT, HE SHOULD PAY THE SAME AMOUNT THAT BENEFIT YOU, USUALLY ABOUT 20% OF HIS INCOME YOU SHOULD GET MONTHLY OR WEEKLY. AND AS FOR SEEING THE CHILD WHENEVER HE WANTS IS DEFINATELY UNFAIR TO YOU. YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO STOP WHAT U WANNA DO OR CHANGE PLANS BECAUSE HE DECEIDED HE WANTS TO SEE THE CHILD. TAKE HIM TO COURT, ITS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST AND YOUR CHILD.

Amanda - posted on 10/30/2010

I think you should make a schedule together and stick with it, or go to court and have them make one. Unless you want to continue dealing with his BS. I think it would relieve a lot of tension between the two of you. My ex and I tried to do what you are doing, and it was a disaster. We HATED each other. Well, I still really dislike him, but we are good to each other in our daughters presence. Good luck!