I can't afford it!

JENNY - posted on 03/12/2013

HI, my 14 yr old son currently lives w/his dad and i see him. 1st wkend of every month. He has decided he wants to move in with me, he seems very depressed and distant on everything. His dad wont lethim return my phone calls or see me anymore than that
what do i do?

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2012

Luvmia, I'm thinking you misread/misunderstood my reply.



You originally wrote: "Unfortunately, my son's father told me that he already told our son that he can come live with him without discussing this with me first. When I expressed my view on this backstabbing, he told me, "I don't need your permission to tell my son he can live with me."



I replied: "...Just because he's saying his son can come live with him doesn't make it so, and while you might've been blindsided with the information, he really didn't backstab you..."



That statement is still true. Your ex doesn't need your permission to *tell* your son anything, just as you don't need his permission to *tell* your son anything even if your ex was awarded physical custody. As an example, your ex could tell your son he's an astronaut - that doesn't mean NASA is going to put him on the next space flight. That's what I meant. Now if he told your son he WAS coming to live with him vs. stating the possibly of it happening ("can"), when he hadn't discussed it with you, it would be a case of him making false promises / lying to your son. It still wouldn't be backstabbing per se, but it would've sucked.



Semantics clarifications aside, you said you let your son go stay with him. When is he coming back? Did you allow for the move to be permanent or was it temporary? Did you get anything in writing from your ex concerning your son going to live with him? They say possession is 9/10th the law - I would hope by your son now living with his dad that it doesn't mean you've forfeited any rights as his legal physical guardian. I would worry that if it was a temporary move and you didn't put that in writing for the father he could go to the courts & say you didn't want your son any more (*that* IMHO would be backstabbing). Have you spoken with a local lawyer to see how this might affect your rights as the legal guardian? It gets me how there are so many differences in laws between the different states...



Still hoping the best for you & your son!!

Luvmia - posted on 05/11/2012

Danielle, legally, his father does have to clear it with me because in my state I am the custodian parent. If he wants our son to live with him then he has to file custody papers and state in detail why he feels he should be awarded custody. So he cannot on his own legally take the child. But because I am not one to stand in the way of what my son feels that will make him happy, I did not demand for him to come back. Sooner or later, he will see things for what they are on his own. I will pray for him nonetheless.

Tabitha - posted on 05/11/2012

I would try to come to an agreement with your ex. You can agree to joint custody with the financial needs split. You cover the insurance, he covers the co-pay, major purchases or needs can be split 50/50, alternate every other year for taxes. If you guys can come to an agreement to split things and cover your son's needs together, there won't be a reason for child support. Although, he may not be agreeable to this since it wasn't offered while you had custody and were receiving support. It's still worth a try. If that doesn't work. Just ask him to allow you time to finish your training so that you'll be in a better position to do what needs done.

Danielle - posted on 05/06/2012

Luvmia wrote: "... I have not talked to my son for about 2 weeks now. At first I have been initiating contact with him but he did not seem very interested in doing so. Not to fail to mention, his father and his father's mother did not obey my wishes of having him contact me afterschool. Well... what can you do? Life still goes on and so shall we..."

It comes down to the word you used- "obey". Your son is with them. As far as they're concerned, they have the power & your wishes be damned. It sucks, but it happens. Heck, I have primary physical custody of our kids & my ex can't be bothered to let me know when he'd like to spend time with our daughter; he'd rather just show up last minute & whisk her off without letting me know.

It sucks that you haven't spoken with your son in 2wks. Even if he doesn't seem interested in speaking with you, I would advise you to make a point of calling at least once a week and talking to him for 10-30mins each time. Ask him how his school week went, if he's made any friends, etc. Take notes so you can make a point to ask more questions about those individuals in the future as a way to connect with him. If need be, contact your ex as to when would be a good time to call your son each week and put it in writing so when your ex doesn't make a point of being home to allow you to speak with your son, you have it documented to show the judge your son is being alienated from you. Also, maybe see about your son setting up an email account and you emailing him a couple of times a week. While he might not check the email daily, you'll have proof that you've attempted to remain in contact with him. It might also show your son that while you're out of his sight, he isn't out of your mind or heart.

Whether you use any of the above advice or not, I hope you keep trying to be the best mom you can from a distance and you don't give up.

Beth - posted on 05/06/2012

Certainly worth talking to your solicitor and see what can be done to help resolve this situation. It sounds like you are trying to meet in the middle with your ex about your son. At the end of the day it's an issue that needs to be dealt with between you and your ex (regardless of what influences the various grandparents have or think they have). Either do this directly or go through your solicitor.

Beth - posted on 05/06/2012

Should of added that in the UK, there is a minimum age that the children have to reach before they have a proper voice. Before that, I think, that they are listened to and their views taken into account. Certainly my three girls have reached an age, where their voices are listened to more, but until they are 18, I am still legally responsible for them.

Luvmia - posted on 05/06/2012

Karen and Beth, thank you for your nonjudgmental insight and support. It has been difficult for me but nonetheless, I am being stronger. I have not talked to my son for about 2 weeks now. At first I have been initiating contact with him but he did not seem very interested in doing so. Not to fail to mention, his father and his father's mother did not obey my wishes of having him contact me afterschool. Well... what can you do? Life still goes on and so shall we.

It is just very interesting to me how the father's always come out on top regardless of whether or not they are still around and it annoys me. I have finally accepted the fact that when you are someone's mother you do not matter very much. Now that I think of it, when you are a woman you don't matter very much. Sad but true. But nonetheless, life goes on and so shall we. I am moving on.

Beth - posted on 05/06/2012

The only thing I can add is don't bad-mouth your son's Dad, regardless of how tempting it is. I've let the girls make up their own mind about their Dad. I have my opinion of him and letting the girls come up with their own opinions. He has been in and out of their lives, caused a lot of upset for the girls. At the end of the day, they know that I have been the steady one who has all the fun jobs like disciplining them, clearing up after then when they've been ill, washing clothes, making sure they have food to eat. The one that makes sure they go to school and don't try to pull a full one, played taxi service to after-school activities, organised their birthday parties. Would I swap it - no.

Certainly discuss with your son, his options, let him know that you will respect his decision, you may not agree with it, but at least you'll respect it. Also let him no that regardless of what he decides - moving in with his Dad or staying with you, that the door will always be open for him.

I know that in the UK, a child can make up their own mind if they want to see/live with either parent. When my ex came back into their life (and is now 'disappeared' out of their lives, again), I let him write to the girls. Said to the girls, if they wanted to write back to their Dad, that was fine with me, if they didn't that was fine with me as well. Together we looked at what he'd sent, so I knew what he'd sent and also made sure that they all sat down at the dining room table and I read the letters out loud to them, so that they all heard what their Dad had to say. I didn't vent off about their Dad. They all did sent a picture to him that they'd coloured in, from one of the presents from him. Then my eldest did something for Father's Day to send to him, which he never collected. They haven't heard from him now for nearly two years. When my eldest asked me to tell her Dad to reestablish contact, I told her that he is an adult and that either he couldn't or wouldn't write back. There was nothing I could do, especially as her Dad is an adult as well. It was (and still is) up to him to make the bigger effort.

Karen - posted on 04/23/2012

In Canada we can file for a lower child support amount if you are under financial strain. It still looks at your total income though and his as well but they will take into account things like school payments.



As far as your son leaving you, I know it must be devastating and aggregating but I think letting your son make the choice and not causing a big battle is the best thing for you to do (unless there's drugs, violence, etc involved) and you must be a strong women to be able to do that for your son. Trust me he will see that too one day. My dad pulled the same thing on my mom (I wasn't even there for a year before I moved back home) he talked bad about her all the time to my sister and I and now that I'm older I see the stuff my dad did that my mom always kept silent about for my sister and I. I respect her more then ever and have made my own opinions of my father.

Carol - posted on 04/18/2012

Hi:
I am not here to judge you and If the moneyis needed to help you stay afloat then thats what it is. I too know that feeling. I read your post and you were being honest and it was not saying that you look at your child as a money thing. I look forward to my Tax too! And yes Alot is from EIC! And? you put out all year its your lil catch me up money. Listen you do what you feel is right if you do not have the extra money to give to the father for your child for child support and you said that he will come after you and you are already struggling in your current maybe the best thing to do it keep you child withyou and do the best you can do for now!

Danielle - posted on 04/16/2012

While your ex might have avoided all the hard work during the first 12yrs of your son's life, he is the father and has every right to tell his son that he can come live with him without having to clear it with you first. Just because he's saying his son can come live with him doesn't make it so, and while you might've been blindsided with the information, he really didn't backstab you.



If the dad hasn't had much interaction with your son, it really isn't for your son's benefit to just move-in with dad. Maybe you could see about allowing dad to have 1-2 school nights per week to give your son a chance to get used to his father's household. That would show you were willing to help facilitate your ex having a more constant influence in your son's life. Yes, it sucks that he waited until your son was largely self sufficient but it's unlikely a judge is going to take that into consideration. All that will be looked at now is the fact that your ex is saying he wants to be involved in his son's life & you aren't letting it happen. At that point, thoughts/concerns that you might have &/or will take steps to alienate your son from his father will probably come into play.



Also, talk with your son to discuss his thought on all this. Bite your tongue on trashing his dad or how you might feel used by the ex in doing all the hard work. My kids know they have it fairly easy over at their dad's house as he really doesn't have them follow much in the way of rules, but they also know that the (consistent & fair) rules here are to help them become responsible adults who can fend for themselves when the time comes. I'd see about speaking with your son's school counselors, teachers, etc. You might research possible GALs now but save on that expense until it appears you need to get the courts involved again. They will be your best bet in showing your son has a stable home base & that immediately uprooting it is NOT in the best interest of your son. You said your son had difficulty studying? See about getting him tested for any learning disabilities. If you have tests to support the special attention he's needed, it will (hopefully) establish a higher standard your ex will need to meet if your son should go to live with him --one that your ex won't be able to excuse away that he supposedly didn't know about &/or thought you were just making it up-- and it gives you a more solid baseline for if/when your son's grades slip in school you can more easily point to the fact that your son isn't getting the support he needs... requires in the new environment.



It basically boils down to being a chess game. That might sound cold & impersonal but all of life is a game. Some parts of life you just have to contemplate more in that manner to make sure your long-term goals are realized. Hopefully all the above made sense.

Luvmia - posted on 04/15/2012

Danielle, thanks so much for your nonjudgmental post.

I have moved out of the neighborhood into a neighbor that is at least $800 per month less but just as nice and more convenient to everything ( I can walk to the grocery store which helps save money on gas).

I have been looking into what rights I have in reference to my son and will seek out legal assistance. Unfortunately, my son's father told me that he already told our son that he can come live with him without discussing this with me first. When I expressed my view on this backstabbing, he told me, "I don't need your permission to tell my son he can live with me." The nerve! I have struggled for 12 years to raise this kid while he popped in and out of his life when he felt like it only for him to come waltzing in (NOW THAT ALL THE HARD WORK IS OVER) and snatch him away from me! I don't f**king think so! After all these years, this man is still so manipulative and vicious against me and using our child in his attacks. I so wish I never moved back to Maryland.

Danielle - posted on 04/14/2012

From what I read above (thanks for the clarification), it sounds as if you need to get a GAL involved and to have the GAL speak with your son's teachers, school counselor, etc. to clearly see what you have done to go out of your way to provide for your son without asking your son's father to fairly share that burden. Unless your ex is going to agree to do everything you have as you have (ie without asking for additional support), that would also hopefully show the GAL how commitlted you have been to your son's success.



Do keep in mind you'll probably want to see about moving out of the nicer neighborhood now, especially if it will help you cut costs. The sooner you can get your bills under better control, the better for you.



Also, just because your son goes to live with his father doesn't mean he automatically gets tax credit for your son. You can stipulate in the modification paperwork that you retain right to claim your son on your taxes &/or that you alternate claiming your son with his father on odd/even years. My daughter hasn't had a single overnight with her father since July 2009 yet he still claims her on his taxes because that's how we drew up the original modification paperwork (I put in the paperwork for me to be able to claim our son, who's younger, so I'd have the tax write-off for a longer period of time).

Amanda - posted on 04/14/2012

Quit viewong your child as a source of income. Not once did you say that you didn't want him to leave

Candice - posted on 04/14/2012

I'm also in MD. Fight to keep your son with you if that's what you want. It seems best for him to be with you since of his fathers.issues you mentioned. Tell your son that he can see his Dad whenever he wants but you want and know its best for him to stay.home with you. Be blessesd and stay strong!

Luvmia - posted on 04/14/2012

Jeannie, thanks for your input and the support! In Maryland, they can also suspend your driver's license if you have arrears. I am not quite sure about professional licenses so I will have to make some phone calls to find out.

Luvmia - posted on 04/14/2012

Candice, getting a second job would probably not be optimum for me unless I want to be worse off than I am now because I might worsen my health issues. And yes, I am thinking financially because I can't be any good to my kid if I am not around enough due to the fact I would have to work more and try my best not to default on my financial responsibilities on my end.



I AM NOT whatsoever disputing the fact that a child needs to be taken care of by both parents. It is just that the child support calculation in my state is very high.



In reference to him living with his father, it would not be better for him now nor the long run due to his father's moral and boundary issues.

Michelle - posted on 04/14/2012

Another thing you should remember is how much you pay in support is dependent on your income at least here in Canada anyway so they will not bleed you dry you will not have to pay the same amount your ex was this is a guarantee finish your course talk to legal aide and go from there.

Candice - posted on 04/14/2012

Do you not mind your son living with his father? The only mentions you made were financially motivated. As you said if your son does go to live with his father your son is entitled to child support. Even if you're financially strapped, it may take getting another job. First things fiirst complete your traning program, that's best for you and your son so.you will be more marketable. The father of my children is also financially strapped and has a pretty high CS obligation it's not about him and how he's.struggling it's about our kids. They need and should be.taken care of financially and otherwise by both parents!

Jeannie - posted on 04/14/2012

wow men can get tiffy, however beware if he gets a settlement against you for child support and you do any training that needs certification from the state (california i dont know about other states) the state can deny you your liscense until you get your cs paid. get a lawyer some court houses have a low income advice and lawyers help. I hope all goes well for you. i have an ex that is trying to get our 19 year old autistic son to live with him so he can get the disability checks(hopefully we can get him on it). I wish you all the luck take care write back if you need to vent.