I don't want the father around but i need child support.. should i fight or leave him out?

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2013

My daughter is 17, but our circumstances are not exactly as yours are, but the results have turned out very similarly... Either way, my advice is as follows: Put his name on the birth certificate. Even if he never sees your child, your child will have that knowledge of who his father is.

Meanwhile, as a fellow single parent, give the child your last name. You are the parent all the teachers will meet and you sharing a last name with the child makes things like traveling and parent teacher conferences easier. Also, your child's friends will assume your last name is the same as your child's their entire life. So, you will be called Mrs. whatever your kid's last name is many times. It's much easier to accept that if they are calling you by your maiden name or your actual last name. Also, to change your child's last name to his last name is one sheet of paper signed by both of you, so it's easy to change if dad is wanting to make that change to the child's name. But, once your child has his last name, you won't be able to change it to yours without his signature.

Finally, sue for the child support your child deserves. If he doesn't pay it (as my baby daddy doesn't), the amount that he owes will go up and up. Eventually, you will get some money out of it even though it might not ever be the amount that is ordered. Frankly, he doesn't get to refuse to pay child support, that's not an option he has open to him.

Of course he is welcome to choose not to see the child if he wants to. That is a choice he does have available to him. But, it's a choice that leaves you with a decision to make as well. My advice in that case would be to tell your child the truth in as gentle a way possible, while NOT making his father look like a bad guy if that's possible. I told my daughter that her daddy loved her, but he just wasn't ready to be a father when she was ready to be born. I told her maybe someday he would come to see her and she could get to know him then if she wanted to. As she grew older, she was able to make her own decisions about who he was and how he felt about her. But, I am happy to say that I never made her feel bad about the other half of her genetic code and where it came from.

Another choice you have is whether or not to keep in touch with his family on your child's behalf. If you KNOW this man is your child's father, and his mother is your child's grandmother, brother is his uncle, sister is his aunt, etc, then you have the choice to include them in your child's life if you want to... In my case, I chose to keep in contact, very loosely with his family. In Example, I invited his mother to my daughter's birthday parties, and send her Christmas Cards. When he had more children with another woman, I found a way to let the kids have a relationship. This was MUCH easier once she and he broke up with each other. And, again, I am happy to say that my daughter enjoys a casual relationship with her 3 siblings. I do NOT choose to let people from his family take my daughter to places without me so I went with her to visit them until she was old enough to use her cell phone to tell me where she was if she wasn't back when she should have been. So, until she was at least 13, they had to come to my house, a party I was hosting, or arrange a special visit time and place with me. I provided his mother with pictures whenever she had photos taken, and so on... But, again, I am happy that I let his family have a relationship with my daughter that they wanted regardless of his desire to have a relationship with her or not.

It is a lot to think about, and some soul searching must be done. I know because I've been there. The hardest thing, I think, will be your mutual friends. Some of them will think he is right, some will side with you... Just remember you can't control what anybody else does, you can only control what you do. You need to be focused on what is best for your SON, and no one else. Dad will other come around or not, and that is his decision, not yours.

Kelli - posted on 01/03/2013

The amount of comments in relation to NOT giving your child their birth father's name is a real worry to me. Please don't get me wrong, I fully agree that many men are not fit to be fathers let alone Dads but His surname does have other factors attached. When your children grow up and are starting to have sexual contact with others, how are they supposed to know who they are related too? It is a proven fact that we attract to people of similar genes. I think the amount of mongoloid babies being born today, is very sad and it's only due to parents not knowing that they are related. Some times we all need to look past the here and now, it's not all about us. Maybe stop and think what situations could arise in 10/20 years from today's decision. We owe our next generation at least that don't we?

Vikki - posted on 05/16/2012

Sarah, I Have recently went through all of this i had to see him in court we both had to talk to the judge i hated every minute of it... If i think about it now i would have NOT went for support i would have said it wasn't worth the trouble he gives me every minute of my life He only pays $ 12 a month because he refuses to get a job and pay me more, He wants nothing to do with his baby boy at all and i saw this from the start.. I would NOT go out for support its NOT worth the time trouble or hassle and it better protects you and your baby... And that's what counts NOT the MONEY .... take it from a concerned mother that has been there.

Katie - posted on 01/31/2009

I went through basically the same thing. i gave my daughter my last name but her father didnt want to be on the birth certificate. Go ahead and get child support because you will need it. Everything turned out pretty good for us (for the most part) and hopefully you too.

Leslie - posted on 01/31/2009

I am really sorry for what your going through, It is shocking everywhere and in every where area there is a horrible dad out there. I have the same situation. my daughter is 10 now but for the first 5 years he did not see her constantly or pay enough or no child support. I have went to several  legal aids lawyers, and no one helped me. If you do get a lawyer get a good one, that will help you to make him volunarily give up his rights. Because if he " suddenly has a change of heart" he will take you to court to share visitations, birthdays, holidays, every free day you name it.  I still dont trust my babys dad but i never show that to my daughter, i just hope that she doesnt change attitude wise. I didn't mind be a single parent. I love my dauther too much I hate sharing her. It scares me that one day they are going to manipulate her to favor them. What ever happens love your child, do what is in the best interest of you and your baby. If he wants to miss out on the best years of his life from the very begining he was not a very good person after all.  The judge , and social worker i had on my case was in favor of " fathers rights" , i felt like  i was pushed in  to a corner. Be Careful, it wil be okay.

Yesica - posted on 01/31/2009

I think its best not to get it b/c like other people said its not worth it. If you put him through child support then you will be giving him rights. And just like others have mentioned it will make your life complicated. I too decided not to put my daughter's father's last name or have him as the father on the birth certificate. I think its best to be able to raise your child the way you want to without having someone else watching you. It's not easy but its definitely worth it.

Amanda - posted on 01/31/2009

Oh - I also wouldlike to add this cause I sometimes forget how scared I was to do things on my own - but I did it. I was on bed rest for almost 2 months - I had limited friends so it really sucked but I have made it through hell and I owe it ALL to my little guy. He made me strong and made me a fighter because everything is for him. We are both doing awesome now and I have few regrets. Things got tough emotionallly and financially in the beginning but once my son was born it seemed like not as much of that mattered. I ended up getting a great paying job and bought a condo. I just want you to know that you CAN do it as you will have strenght you never thought was possible and every smile that comes from that baby will make every minute worth it :)

Amanda - posted on 01/31/2009

Yes - you do need to check the laws of your state. Support & visitation do NOT go hand in hand. In Montana you can not refuse visitation just because child support is not being paid and on the other hand no visitation does not mean they don't have to pay child support. I was in your shoes almost to a tee. I was told by a lot of people that my son deserved the money to help in raising him. I got lucky as dad has showed little interest - my son is now 5. I also know that in Montana, it is pretty rough for a dad to get custody. He has to show the mom is an unfit mother.

As for the last name - I personally did NOT give my son his last name. As for entitlements to his dad's share - in order to get child support we had to do a paternity test so he has rights to all that - and dad is still NOT on the birth certificate. I know my son having my last name has made things like insurance, doctors, etc much easier as they know he is my son so I don't have to play 500 questions to prove I am his mom and entitled to the information. Besides - if he didn't even want you to have the baby - he doesn't deserve the baby having his last name.

Val - posted on 01/30/2009

I feel for you and your situation. I have two kids by the same guy and he was not around when i had my second baby. he and i went back and forth to court not because i ordered child support, but he wanted a paternity test on both kids, after he was determined to be the father, he was never there to support me or the kids in any way. i would rather not have any support from him b/c i should not have to force him support his kids and he has no say so in how i raise MY kids. he now has 3 other children who he supports and we are still doing fine without him or his money. I hope you find an answer to your problem in a way that you can work with and the kids will not suffer the pain of a dead-beat dad. good luck.

Dee - posted on 01/30/2009

yes to nicole buzzel! run run run...

believe me sarah, if you chose to fight, it will backfire, and you will regret it for the rest of your life. he can't possibly make enough money to support you with his measly child support (you can do the calculations online and see that it's basically nothing), so just run. your baby deserves better. you will look at this years from now and wish you hadn't involved him. he will cause nothing but turmoil in your life and nothing but emotional damage to your baby. sorry to be so negative, but it's true. i'm just looking at this realistically. as i said in a previous posting, i worked in the social service field and my mother has been working for social services for over 25 years, and we'll both tell you, from a professional standpoint, he will make your life hell. don't be naive.

Alexandra - posted on 01/27/2009

im a single mom now my sons fathetr started to deny him even before he was born and we stayed together, just recently i ended it with him well in august, and i took him to see a lawer and made it so he pays child support, if he wants to be an ass like this show him ur better then that and make him pay for his child, no mother should have to go without having help from the father, he may not want nothing to do with his son, but he sure as hell has to take responsability one way or another

Andrea - posted on 01/27/2009

oh wow.. lot's of advice here, but I have to go with Diane Bowling.  Giving my daughter his last name sucks though b/c I have to explain why it's different than mine and it creates a hassle whenever signing things :(   Wish I had not been such a pushover about a lot of things--just didn't want to "make waves." 

It will ALL BE OK though!  Even though it's a difficult road ahead, you can do it.. women can do far more than we realize and are made all the better for it.  A friend of mine had an abortion, but when I was pregnant and considering adoption, she told me not to because the child would be my pride and joy and she was right.  now she has a child, a single mom in basically the same situation, but it has been worth it on every angle to experience the joy of her baby boy.  It's a whole new outlook and trust me, you are stronger and more capable than you will ever know.

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2009

I have great advice for you!!!!!  DO NOT TAKE HIM TO COURT!  There are other ways of getting help.  I was with my daughter's father, engaged when I got pregnant, oh and I also worked for him.  Once he found out I was pregnant, he fired me and took me to court to get me out of "his" house...long story short, I moved back in before she was born and stayed for 1 month.  He also would not sign the birth cert., he wanted a blood test.  I scheduled one several times, he never showed up.  He owns a business, so he is wealthy, and he did NOT want to pay support, nor did he think the courts would think so either.  Needless to say, it took about 15 months, but the courts gave me LOTS of child support.  The sperm donor "reserved" his rights and put a no contact order on me and the child.  & months later, he comes back crying....he did the same thing with his friends and family.  His mother would not even see the baby because of him, but 16 months later acted like Queen of all Grandma's.  So he took me back to court to get his rights back, and now my daughter is 6, and is being serioously emotionally abused.  I have her in counseling, but the courts don't care.  She is being told that "I steal" (child support that is) and I am a hooker...nice huh????  Please, please, please, do not let him know your miricle.  I know it will be hard, because I thought how could someone treat a baby like that, but they do...RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!

Liseandra - posted on 01/26/2009

i'm not in the same situation, but when i was with my ex he didnt do anything to support my daughter, he never bought anything when i was pregnant with her.  I was pretty much doing it by myself even when i was with him, he was just the sperm donor pretty much. so when i left him (over a year ago) he kept saying he was gonna take me to court to get custudy and everything, which never happend.  I went down to talk to a couple lawyers about taking him to court for child support, cause i needed it. but after i talked to them, i decided not even to go thru with it.... what i didnt know was that they have a chart saying that if he makes 'x' amount of money he only has to give you a fraction of it.   rather than what i thought was him giving enough for daycare/diapers and all that other good stuff you need with a baby.  In the end if i woulda taken him to court they woulda only made him pay me not even 150$ a month, which wasnt even worth it, cause well that doesnt cover anything. 
I live in SK, Canada, so it might be different in the states.  so i suggest going and talking to a lawyer even before the baby is born. just tell them your situation and then decide if its worth it to go thru the stress and BS that goes with going to court for such little amount.  and with the entire being worried about custudy thing (at least the way it is here, from what i know)  No court would ever side with the father, unless you are proven to be unstable, and or hooked on drugs or something extreme extreme like that that would put that baby's life in danger. and from what i can see that doesnt look like thats happening. and with his name not being on the birth certificate its very un-likely.
 Being a single mother is hard, especially when your young (i just turned 20 and i have a two year old), but you do what you gotta do. you do what you think is best for you and your baby.   it'll all fall into place. I live one day at a time, I worry about whats in front of me and thats it, and I'm getting by. hope this helps somewhat. Good luck with everything, and congrats with the new baby!

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2009

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all the wonderful advice and stories! It's nice to know I'm not alone in all of this. Keep the stories and good advice comin! :)

Katrina - posted on 01/26/2009

wow your story is just like mine. My best guy friend got me pregant and refuses to be a father. I was in nursing school so i had no money for a lawyer. I went to the state deparment of social sevices and got child support for no cost out of my pocket. He pays the state and the state pays me. That way i dont have to deal with him and his bullshit. My daughter is now two he has never seen her. He did not show up to sign the birth certificate but when he sign the child support paper he sign a letter stating he was the father.There was no court and we did not even have to see each other. We sign papers on diffrent days there as no fight. i wish you the best of luck. and congrats on your baby.

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2009

I would check you state laws also.  I know that in my state that if a male signs over his parental rights to the mother he still has to pay support on the child unless they are adopted by someone else.  Also just because he pays support might not give him a whole lot of rights.  My ex only comes aroud rarely .  Good luck!

Megan - posted on 01/26/2009

oh, and I gave my son his father's last name and completely regret it now. I wish he had mine.

Megan - posted on 01/26/2009

Wow, it was really great to read everyone's response. It helps to know we single moms aren't alone out there. I have a 5 1/2 year old boy. I stayed with the father (who is an alcoholic) for 5 years. He was never a good dad...disappearing, being drunk, abusive. We finally decided to split this past summer. I always thought it was best for my son to have his dad in his life. Well...now I wish I never had to see or deal with him. I was fortunate that when we went to court..he was still in his "party" mode and he didn't fight me for custody. I have full physical and legal custody of my son. He still has "parental rights" but that doesn't entitle him to much. I too thought I needed support, so I went to court for that as well. The problem with support in my state..is the father has to have visitation if he's paying support. The more he sees him, the less support he has to pay and vise versa. I was lucky to get him to agree to only 2 days a week. He doesn't pay support and it's horrible when he's here. I am fine raising my son by myself (sure it's hard at times and very stressful) but I would rather do it my way than deal with him and have him try to change my son into someone like him. Find out about your laws and what they would entitle him to if he pays support. You can do it without him though. You will love your boy and always do right by him. Good luck!!

Heidi - posted on 01/26/2009

I am a single mom and my daughter is 10 yrs old now. I have never received a penny from her father. I support myself and my daughter pay for my own education, mortgage, and her education fund. Don't get me wrong it has been a struggle like no other but you know what i'm doing. We are making it and you can to just have faith in your self you don't need a man. Think of the rolemodel you will be your child. I wish you the best of luck.

Dianna - posted on 01/26/2009

I am in a similar situation! My son is 4 months old and I am going throught the process right now! My son does not have his father's last name! I did not even put him on the birth certificate! I went to the department of social services and took out child support papers! In order to proceed with the child support we had to do a paternity test - which it came back his... Now I have a court date in February for him to pay child support! Not only will he have to pay child support - but he will have to put my son on his health insurance plan as well! I have an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday - to talk to him about getting full custody! There are 2 types of full custody - legal and physical. The legal is pretty much easy to get... Now the physical full custody is a little different. There have to be substantial reasons for him not to be able to see his child - like endangering factors and so forth! But... you can talk to a lawyer and try to get his visitation set up to where he can not have him alone... you have to be there! But... it's his loss.... trust me! You will be okay! Women do it every single day! Hope I helped some!

Stephanie - posted on 01/26/2009

I'm not sure what state you are in, but if you go through the state he still won't have rights.  That's what I was afraid of too.  But I have a child support order (not that I receive it) and he still doesn't have any rights to her.  That is a whole other court proceeding.

Sara - posted on 01/26/2009

Sarah...De ja vou!  I was w/my ex-fiance for 9yrs.  We planned on getting married/having a baby...the works!  I also raised his 1 yr. old son for the 9 yrs. we were together.  Well, I got pregnant w/our son and the day I told him, he said "I love u but don't want to be w/you anymore!"  Well, low & behold I found out that he had been cheating w/a girl that knew we were together and she ended up pregnant too.  My son and her son (who by the way I don't think is my ex's) are 2 months apart.  Needless to say, I was going back & forth whether to take him to court or not and girl, am I glad that I did!  I am getting child support (which isn't much, but at least it's something), unfortunately, he hasn't seen our son in months & my son is only 10 months old.  Yeah, real nice that he's raising 2 of his g-f's kids, but doesn't give a crap about his own!  I hope this helps w/your decision! 

Dee - posted on 01/26/2009

My advice? Get rid of him as quickly as possible...i'm a single mom and I have no support and wouldn't want it either. Most men are nothing but trouble, and anyone who has ever worked in social services (i have) will tell you that you are better off leaving his name out, opting out of child support and not including him in the birth certificate. it would be a different situation if he wanted to be involved, but you CAN do it on your own. DO NOT take him to court NO MATTER WHAT...it will result in nothing but HUGE legal fees for you, and stress for your child. your baby deserves a mom who is giving him 100% of her attention, not 2 parent who are fighting all the time. one day you will meet someone who will want to love you and your child for who you are, and you will look back on that idiot father as a big mistake. give yourself some credit. you will be ok.

good luck.

Demetria - posted on 01/26/2009

I agree with Alana and Fabiana. Child support has a way of maturing the man. Child support is exactly what it's name implies. You didn't make it by yourself so you shouldn't have to pay for the child by yourself.

Fabiana - posted on 01/26/2009

my dear friend

according to family law in this country...if he want's to see his child, he will be able to see your child, even if he doesn't pay child support.

and if he doesn't want to see the child, that's his problem, not yours, and he still has to pay child support. You should try to find legal help (for free in your community) There are many programs that can help you out, and make the "ass" pay child support.

being a single mom is not easy. But if you have any doubts of putting your child for adoption, don't do it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Don't worry about custody. No judge will ever take a child from their mother because of financial problems. THAT'S ABSURD!!! It won't happen. So don't worry.

Child support is an obligation, if he doesn't pay it, you can get his driver's license suspended.

Good luck!!!

Katie - posted on 01/25/2009

I have been through a similar situation.. Only my ex only wanted to be a Dad on his terms when it suited him for the first 10 months of my boys life. Long story short, he has finally stepped up and now wants 50/50 shared custody!!! (My boy is now 19 months old) While I do believe it is beneficial for your child to have a father figure, best to be very clear right from the start about what you want for your child! I never had a legal agreement written up (silly, naive girl) and now am going through the hardest fight of my life to sort out custody. Because in New Zealand if the father is on the birth certificate, he is considered equal guarian regardless of who has had the primary caregiver role.. My advise to you is to do your research first and while we don't always know exactly what is best, know what you want for your baby ! It may seem like small issues now, but always look ahead! Go and talk to a law centre..Could save alot of heartache in the future.. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Best of luck xo

Alana - posted on 01/25/2009

put his name on the birth cerificate as the father... (if he signs great !!! if not...oh, well). give your child his name. even if you don't get child support now.. when he dies ( social security will be left to the child)... or if you file for state support .. the government will get him... you don't have to do anything. you'll get your money somehow.... don't worry about it.

i'm in somewhat of the same situation.. but i don't have to do anything cause the state is going after him... i didn't even ask for their help... it just happened, so ...don't worry.. things will work out...don't worry about the custody thing. if you keep your nose clean... the courts always sides with the mother.

and for the grandparents... keep in contact with them ...even if he makes a big stank... your child needs to know where he came from even if the father is messed up... things change.. people change...

Amy - posted on 01/25/2009

take him to court. it'll make things a lot easier. its obvious he's selfish and doesn't want to take responsibility. its not an easy situation. you'll get by. your loved ones will make things a lot easier than you'll ever thing is possible. chin up!

Karen - posted on 01/25/2009

This is a tough one. A lot of it will depend on what the laws are in your state. You didn't marry him so I don't think the baby has to have his name. However, he FATHERED the child, so he's due to pay child support. You may have to fight this in court a little. However, I understand your fears of not wanting him to have custody later. I am in a somewhat similar situation, though I was married to the guy. We divorced and he was abusive, so I had a restraining order against him. Child support and visitation were taken care of at the same time. You can fight for your child support, but if you're state is like mine, they will also fight for the father to have some visitation and/or custody. If he was abusive in any way, or not capable of taking care of your child, then you'd have that in your favor. One thing I can suggest is to keep a diary of all your dealings with him so you can pull it out in court and say, On this date, he stated he did not want to have anything to do with the child, and so on. If you can establish that he has not wanted custody or anything to do with the child, then it might help you if he tries to come back for custody later. Also, if you get married and your husband is willing to adopt your child, you could then approach the father about signing away his rights so that the child can be adopted by your new husband and the child's father will probably sign since he won't have to pay child support. I can honestly say, that talking to a lawyer would really help since laws are different from state to state.