i dont want my ex's new gf touching my children!!! what do i do!

Kathleen - posted on 08/25/2009 ( 63 moms have responded )

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my ex boyfriend just left me for someone else.. i had actually met her a few times .. but didnt know they were together. so she met my son without me knowing who she was... she told me she wanted to baby sit my son.. and i thought that was kind of strange. but now that we have broken up. my ex boyfriend doesent think its fair that ive said i dont want her looking after my son or touching him or anything!! i might be going the wrong way about all of this.. but i dont want him to have a new mum or anything. im realy worried because now he is saying he will try and get weekend custody!! my son is 18 months old and his father has NEVER spent more that 5 hours alone with him in his whole life.. i am actually pregnant again. and there is no way i would leave the new baby with the 2 of them.. just so they can play house. he has told me she realy wants children but he doesent want to have anymore... i feel like they are going to try and steal my babies away from me!!! ahhhh this is all just so confusing.. people tell me your storys and advice!!

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Janine - posted on 09/01/2009

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Maybe you are going about this the wrong way because you are obviously harbouring alot of anger still. He may have been an undoting dad in the past but maybe just maybe he feels he can be a better father with this new woman around and she encourages him to do so. I completely understand that you dont want your kids to have this "new mum" - you are the mum and that is how i feel when it comes to my kids and my ex - I am the only mother in their life however, this doesnt mean that when they do see dad that they should be denied a decent friendly relationship with this woman as long as she treats them with the respect they deserve and also as long as she realizes the boundaries of her involvement with them as in she is the friend only and not a parental figure. You also need to have faith in your children as they will realize you are the only mum they have..... Wouldnt you rather though if this woman is to be in your ex's life that they have a decent relationship with her than a strained and terrible one?? I know it's hard to get over the anger you must be feeling but you seem to be directing it more at her when unfortunately it seems to be your ex that began this saga and that is your demon to bear i am sorry to say. Be strong for yourself in and in yourself and you will see that it will get better. Hope it helps!

Lucy - posted on 08/31/2009

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Wow this is a real great blog to read!! so much advice and so many simalar storys, i thank the chick who 1st posted it and i feel for you too & all of ya, been and goin threw it myself, And it is hard, One thing with me was i had to accept a part of me was or is Jealous that he is happy with another chick and wen they have my daughter they are "the happy family" that we once were. Another thing is the age hes 25 and she 17!! and shes very imature, even tho i did have my gurl at 17 i was alot mature. Me and her have had a few conflicts and she thinks were bestfriends but she can think that lol, he has our daughter every 2nd weekend, we did the hole family court-my choice, and its worked. My daughter jst loves her weekends with him, it soo good to see, she gets on with the gf and is always happy to see her which can bum me out a bit but you learn to get over it and be the bigger person here, she does come home saying that the gf told her off or she dosent like the gf but you jst take it as you go, it does get easier i reackon.I layed down some rules with them but of course becus im not there to no whats is goin on becus i cant be you jst gota let them be, but do let them no how you feel and dont start arguements and sometimes you jst have to grin and bear and sometimes put your foot down hard... My friend had been in a relationship with a dude for 2yrs recently and he had a child to a ex and the ex wouldnt let him c the child and wen he did and if he was with my friend the mother would start a fite and not let him c the child, it really hurt my friend she has no kids of her own bar a niece and shes a great chick and when she would ask me for advice what could i say be cos id been like that other mother, even tho my exs gf is yuck and not a good person it really made me look at that picture tho, i wouldnt want to be in my friends poistion and you do have to think about that even how much rotten this new gf may be or how much you despise this new gf.And then i have another friend who is so adament that the father can not c there 2yr son, and hes a great guy still single while shes out hookin up, shes actuali a B*tch for doin what shes doin, her son is very confussed on who daddy is, its sick really!! few things there to look at ah!

Its not easy we all now that but i think we all no is that a child does need its mum and its dad and ino in some cases No thats not the case. At the end of the day you do have to put aside ur own personal feeling and think about the kids and whats best for them and what isnt. Since being a mummy iv learnt not every mother does feel the same on things you would consider important so i guess each to their own!!!

Robin - posted on 08/28/2009

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If I were in your situation, I would not let my ex boyfriend take the kids from my sight just to please his current girlfriend. His current girlfriend appears to want to have control of your relationship with your ex by expressing interest in the kids you share together. It seems like his current girlfriend cares more about the kids than your ex boyfriend. If they are not serious, then it is too premature to have her be involved in your kids' life. If your ex boyfriend spends little time with your kids now, why the sudden change?...his current relationship status? I would want to see more of a commitment from your ex boyfriend expressing interest to be with his kids first. He needs a relationship with them before he introduces a girlfriend to them. He is not thinking about his kids. He appears to be only thinking about his current relationship. That would not be ok with me. If he doesn't understand the effect of this situation on his kids, then he shouldn't be able to see them. Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2009

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Ok not to sound mean...but you have to get over it! I realize that you dont want another woman around your babies but you cant expect him to stay single his whole life! Maybe he only wants to spend time with them because of her, or maybe she has just made him realize that he NEEDS to see them more and now he wants to see them....either way... they are spending time with their father! And unless he is abusive in someway... thats never a bad thing! And now think about it another way...yes this girl needs to back off a little...its really not her place to be talking to you about your kids...thats your exs job! BUT he thankful that she loves kids... be thankful that she wants to take care of your kids and "play house" [as annoying as that is!] because it could be a lot different and she could HATE kids and not want anything to do with them and make your ex push them out of his life completely and when they are over there be mean to them and not help him at all and just do terrible things that NO kid deserves!



I know its hard but just try to think about the GOOD of it and not that you dont want this woman around your kids..... as much as YOU dont like HER.... if shes good to your kids then thats all you can really ask for in a "step mom" And the easier you make this situation the easier it will be for your kids to adjust!



No court is gonna tell a father that wants to see his kids [for whatever reason] that he cant.. so if he takes it to court he WILL get visitation.... but the good thing is that if you REALLY dont want the little one [the unborn one] with him alone then you CAN request supervised visits for a while... and he would have to come to your house and sit with you watching him to spend time with the baby...and since its your house you have the power to say who is allowed to be there and who is not....Just a suggestion,



GOOD LUCK with everything!

Kathleen - posted on 10/16/2009

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You are right to feel that way. This is your child and you need to protect him. You were never married? You are the MOM and you are in control of when he can spend time with your son. Are you getting child support?

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Kathleen - posted on 10/15/2009

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thanks everyone for all the advice.. i ended up letting my ex look after my son for the day at his house.. and his new girlfriend was there. he didnt tell me but i saw her car.. but i thought i should try and be the bigger person because one day when im with someone new he wont be able to say my son cant be around him because i let his girlfriend be around him.. i ended up moving 2 days later to another state to be closer to my parents and what would you know a week later they were broken up... so yeah they arent even together anymore.. i think he was just trying to make me jealous and hurt me because as soon as i moved and stopped talking to him.. i only sent him pictures of our son in the mail and ultra sound pictures and i sent a letter once a week telling him only about my son i think he realized just what he had thrown away and broke up with his girlfriend and started begging me to come back.. im back where i used to live now. im here for a month so my ex can see his son and then im going back to live with my parents until the baby is born.. he has started making all these promises like hes moving with me and he is going to look after the children bla bla bla.. but i guess i will just have to see what happens. but everyones advice really did help me.. because i realized i couldnt be angrey at the girl because it wasnt really her fault even tho she was making shit up and telling him.. after him and her broke up she told him that i had sex with 4 guys while i was in another state.. and he actually called me and yelled at me and i was just like WTF!!!! but anyways yea im just going to wait and see what happens.. i know i wont ever be able to trust him again but hopefully he is going to be there to help me with the babies and spend much more time with them.. and he is willing to move to do so so ill just have to see if he does it or not.

Summer - posted on 09/19/2009

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Think of it this way, he wont be single forever and neither will you. There is a chance HE may not like your children around YOUR new boyfriend. He could do the same as you are doing and say the same things. She may be pushing him to be a better dad, yea they havent been together a long time but he might want to be apart of his childrens life because of her. Once they break up he may find someone who doesnt want children coming between her and your ex. You too could find a man that wants you but not your children. Being a single mom and dating isnt either and dealing with an ex who is your babys father isnt easy either. It's give and take but at the end of the day it is the kids that have be taken care of. The deserve BOTH PARENTS in there lifes if both parents are good loving parents. You and your ex will be with other people who will interact with your children. Unless there is an issue of safety the courts arent going to not let him see his children just because you don't like who he is dating and if she has taking a likeing to your children. If you move to another state he can still get 50/50 custody and then he will come get them or you will take them to him and then you will a state away and you wont know what is going on and he wont know what is going on with you. Just get to know her, she may not be as bad as you think. If not for you but for your children.

Melanie - posted on 09/19/2009

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im not sure how to answer that in my situation is bit simular,,,i left my daughters dad when she was 3 because of the lieing and cheating i was 21 and he was 25 he cheated on me with a 16 year old and still with her,, been 3 years now since we both been split up,,same thing his never paid any attention to my daughter before and after we split up she is going to be 7 years old now,,we been in court for 2years going on 3 years now and all the judge sees it as is we are the parents havta to get along and i wanna say unno ive tried talking to him about alot of things about our daughter we share but his now wife to be they keep changing the dates on when they are going to get married kinda laim but anyways we as the parents gotta get along know its hard for me to talk to him about anything talking to him is like tryna thumb tack jello to a wall right imposible just gotta try and make it work even if the coward girlfriend not likeing it much it just goes to show that she is obviously has alot of growing up to do gotta remember too that it is us who are not suffering it is the child who is suffering they hurt from all this alot of fathers are not really there for there child or childeren once they single they off not very many stick around for kids all u can do is be thankful right that they even have a father who wants part in there life mel

Stephanie - posted on 09/19/2009

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My ex's girlfriend is around my son almost every time he goes to his house and I was always getting wigged out at first and now since he's older now the only thing that worries me is that she smokes. I found this out from my 3 year old because he went and picked up a crayon and told me he was smoking. I don't mind her being around my son because I've met her and she's pretty nice but I don't like her setting a bad example for my son. I'm just afraid that someday he'll come home and they will have taught him bad words and mean things towards me because one of my friends exs did that to her through her son.

Corylu - posted on 09/17/2009

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wow i knew i was not the only one in this world with pretty much the same story line lol.....im sorry to hear that you are going through that shit.....if it make your feel any better i was with my sons father for 6 years straight and we had two friends that were a couple that we use to hang out with every weekend well once i found out i was pregnant my ex decided he didnt want the responsibility so he decided to cheat on me with our friend.....they are now together married and also have a son together......the fucked up part about it is is just like your story the new girlfriend/wife wants to be apart of my sons life.....she feels that since she is my exs wife now that she is the mommy and that she knows everything about my son.....mind you she has only met him twice and been around him maybe 3 hours his whole life so far......i dont think you are in any means in the wrong.....i think its bullshit how people assume that just cuz they are with someone that they have the right to be a part of that kids life knowing that they fucked around with our exs......does that make since?? sorry to be so confusing and all over the place.....but i understand and completely agree with you on having all those issues with your exs girlfriend......another fucked up part is she is also on facebook and she made a profile for my son saying that she was the mommy and that she put all these bogus interests and things he enjoys doing in life.......what do you think about that one.....crazy people out there.....but let me tell you all that we go through and will attempt to go through only makes us stronger and i believe that the reason some women do that is cuz of jealousy and living up to their new husbands/our exs old girlfriends/us.......lol you know.....i hope this helped and i hope it gave you some insight on how we are all very similar in life and that all in all you just need to focus on your babies and live life to the fullest......best wishes to your new one......if you still want to chat hit me back on here or email me ......angel_eyez716@hotmail.com

Kristen - posted on 09/02/2009

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my ex kicked me out when our son was 4 days old becase he wanted to be with another woman...one of my friends. We were engaged and out of the blue he told me that i had until the next day when he got home from work to pack my shit and get out, so i did. Now he refuses to pay child support and is sueing me for full custody... our son is 5 weeks old and he's only held him three times, never changed a diaper, never fed him, nothing. I told him that he could call me and i would come over so he could see him, but i had two rules, one is that he had to be stone cold sober( hes a huge alchy and a pot head) and two is that his new girl couldnt be there. When i told him that is when he told me to get a laywer and prepare for hell. I totally feel you on this one girl, i dont want him to play house with my baby and his new girl... it makes me sick when i even think about it. She cant have kids, but she wants them, so im scared to death that she is going to try and take my litte boy from me. Stand your ground, because i dont trust him or the bitch he's with, and to make matters worse, my son's dad lives 3 hours away...STAND YOUR GROUND... DNA DOES NOT MAKE A FATHER

Kerri - posted on 09/02/2009

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what type of person is she ? she does not have any kids of her own? i think i'd be pretty ticked too...

Mel - posted on 09/02/2009

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Try to remember first of all that you are pregnant and thus feeling vulnerable and your hormones are going nuts. This might be the reason why you're worried about having your children taken away from you by this women. I used to have panic attacks when I was pregnant with my son as I thought my ex's wife was going to do the same thing. my son is now 3 months old and I don't have that concern any more. But if it is a real concern you can do everything you can legally to have full custody. Be proactive and don't think like a victim and you'll handle it a lot better. You could also try discussing the issue with your ex, communicate that you don't feel comfortable about the situation and ask for some time to come to terms with it before she has anything to do with your son, then you can organise alternative visiting arrangements. That's a reasonable request, but if your ex is unwilling to compromise then get a court order and do it before he does. If he has been unfaithful in the relationship (which it sounds like he has) and you have been the main care giver, then the counts should look more favourably on your requests.

Jeniffer - posted on 09/01/2009

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Here's the thing ... as badly as you don't want to hear it you need to be supportive and concerned about the best interest of your child (ren) your own feelings set aside. If the father gets weekend custody there is really nothing you can do except maybe recommend to the courts that you would like him to have to take a parenting course first or start out with supervised visits until he gets more aquainted with your child. It is conter-productive to chastise the new girlfriend.... I know it sucks but you have to work as a team if she is going to be around your child. You don't have to be friends and you don't have to like her but you do have to be civil and clear about the needs of your child. At least she is taking an interest and seemingly willing to play a positive role in your childs life? I know it is hard to imagine some other woman caring for your child but in reality, legally there is not much that you could do about it if your ex were to be granted visitation... it is a bad idea to be negative about the situation infront of your child or to your child... you need to be the adult her and make them feel safe and comfortable so that they can come to you about things like their feelings and any problems that will/can arise.

Chyonda - posted on 09/01/2009

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Unfortunately, we cannot control this situation if he has legal or court ordered visitation. My ex & I have agreed to only introduce our daughter to someone if there is a steady relationship. Because children become attached to others & it is not good to introduce them to every person we may date if it is not someone who is extremely special. It becomes very confusing to our children. Unless this person is a proven danger to your child, I really don't think there is anything you can legally do about it. I truly wish you much luck...

Shyvonne - posted on 09/01/2009

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its hard but all i can say is he needs 2 b seeing his son on his own even if he has 2 sit in ur house whilst u sit upstairs. but ur little boy will always know ur his mummy. if ur ex dont like this then its his lose if he really loves his baby then he will play along n c wot happens. as 4 the other woman wanting 2 play mummy 2 ur little 1 she needs 2 bk off n let her bf n ur son b alone. the baby has got nothing 2 do with her. good luck hun in wot ever u decide. just remember u know best x

Kathleen - posted on 08/31/2009

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Quoting Jen:

here a question. Are you sacred that your child is going to love this woman more then you ? the only thing is you have to allow it. it going to hurt like hell but you need to have a chat to her . It hard know she is with your ex. beside sometime it might be good that she help you and let you get out and meet someone better than your ex. sitting at home wishing he going to come back it not going to happen . beside children are smart than we think they are , My son told me he doesn't like his father wife. I don't know why Do to I am not allow to meet her . but there been fight when he there due to she doesn't like having my son with them.My ex call my son a freak due to his has mild autism . but I would love to talk to her and explain things better then allow my ex talk his crap. she would see things different


 



im actually just pissed off at her. i have talked to her and told her the whole situation.. because my ex had been lieing to her he said we were broken up for 6 months even tho im 4 months pregnant and he was living at my place up until a month ago. i also told her the whole time they were in thier relationship me and him had been sleeping together and she still didnt care. i have tryed to be as nice to her as possible even tho i dont like her but she just keeps stirring shit and making my ex hate me when up until a week ago we were actually best friends.. even tho all of this mess had happened.  and its just things they have both said to me like she keeps saying she realy wants to have babies but he wont have them with her.. and she keeps telling me about how she was pregnant ages ago and her ex boyfriend kicked her in the stomach and all this crap and i just find it realy strange that she is always telling me she wants to meet my son and that shes super exited for the new baby to arive.. and then all of a sudden my ex is saying he is going to take the kids away from me and they are going to live with the 2 of them... when he left me because he said he didnt want children and i forced it on him...

Tina - posted on 08/31/2009

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You have a right to refuse for her to see your child! She has no ties or rights to this child at ALL!! Take him to court if needed, because that is BS. I think HE has a right to the children, so he should definitely get visitation or weekend custody if wanted, but she does not need to be there. Your child already has a mommy, and that's you.

Natasha - posted on 08/31/2009

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my son's dad got married to my former friend while i was still pregnant and neither of them were a part of his life for the first ten months of his life. I struggled a lot in letting his wife be a part of my son's life because i was afraid of him thinking she was his mom but the one thing i didn't understand was the bond that you have with your kids are as strong as you make it. So as far as i can say if your bond is strong you should never fear that another women is going to take your place as mommy. they know wether they can say it or not that who their mommy is. It's hard and its the most trying thing at the moment that you will go through at the moment but once you do it you will see that you made the right decision. yes he did you wrong but don't do your kids wrong by refusing to let the dad be part of their lives just because he has a new girlfriend. Your kid knows who mommy is and that is all you need to keep saying to yourself that and be strong its hard but if you a=can go through labor and child birth you are strong enough to manage through this good luck in what you decide to do

Jen - posted on 08/31/2009

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here a question. Are you sacred that your child is going to love this woman more then you ? the only thing is you have to allow it. it going to hurt like hell but you need to have a chat to her . It hard know she is with your ex. beside sometime it might be good that she help you and let you get out and meet someone better than your ex. sitting at home wishing he going to come back it not going to happen . beside children are smart than we think they are , My son told me he doesn't like his father wife. I don't know why Do to I am not allow to meet her . but there been fight when he there due to she doesn't like having my son with them.My ex call my son a freak due to his has mild autism . but I would love to talk to her and explain things better then allow my ex talk his crap. she would see things different

Kelly - posted on 08/30/2009

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You need to make sure everything is done legally. Straying away from that could be considered you keeping the kids away from him when he is "trying" to see them. Start with the child support enforcement department so that a court order is put in place for support...if he questions it at all they will do a DNA test. After that you can appeal to the court in your area to deal with the visitation rights. No matter what never bad mouth the other woman to the kids. Kids are too honest, everything you say will go in their ears and right out their mouths. There is no need for them to see you ever struggle with your ex just because of the breakup...plus it's just not cool (and the courts really don't like it). The courts will be able to grant rights to each parent and set up guidelines for visitations. This may also include limiting the childrens involvement with other parties other than your ex. All of this is to not only protect you and your ex but mostly the children. I know it sucks to see your child (soon to be children) leave with your ex, not knowing whats going to happen or if they miss you...but this is part of being a split up couple. Without a court order your ex does have the same exact rights to your child as you do. But the court could (and should) make an outline of who gets the child (soon...children) on what days and for how long. But...FYI...just as when he strays from these court orders...if you don't allow him to see the child/ren he can bring you right back into court. It's a 2-way street. Best wishes!

Bec - posted on 08/30/2009

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Hi Kathleen. I've just been through all this and it is very hard. My husband left me and two kids almost a year ago now saying he "just needed time alone". Long story short the weekend I moved out of the house he met someone in a bar and they started seeing each other. I only found out he had a girlfriend when my gorgeous 7 year old daughter told me she'd been to the movie with Daddy and his "girlfriend". Apart from the deceit the most pain I felt was in having this other woman be with my children. I eventually made my ex SWEAR he wouldn't involve them until he was certain this was a relationship that was going somewhere. He promised, the promptly broke the promise as I again had to find out from my daughter. We have fought over this for almost a year and the only way I resolved it was by writing an email to his girlfriend and trying to get my own sense of what kind of person she was. Eventually I had to say go for it as she was a lovely person. I think the more you try and keep people apart or impose your own rules on them the more they want to be together. I was sick of fighting over it so had to let it go for the sake of my own health as well as the happiness of my kids - I never wanted them in the middle. Not long after I relented they broke up! The new woman found out my ex had lied to her about when I had moved out and had basically spun a web of lies to make her feel ok about going out with him. Don't know if this helps but also you gotta know that kids NEVER lose that bond with their real Mum. I have a stepmum who I adore but even though my own Mum and I have a really difficult relationship these days I still feel that bond to her that nobody else can break. Just be YOU and enjoy the wonder of your own kids. Love them and be good to them and they will love you always, forsaking all others. Hope this helps.

Bec.

Sarah - posted on 08/30/2009

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Omg i know how you feel! When my son was a baby (he's 3 1/2 now) His dad left us and had nothing to do with our son UNTIL he started dating this disgusting girl. She TRIED playing house with son and I let her know exactly how i felt about it. She got tired of dealin with me and left him. Like i told her, you dating my sons father is his business... YOU BEING AROUND MY SON IS MY BUSINESS!



You could get everything court ordered and in some states the court will let you get what you want. IF you have proof of the girl being a "danger" to the children, the courts will be on your side.



Everything will work out. Don't stress over it. My sons now 3 1/2 and his dads single and trying to step up. My kids old enough to tell me if something happens so i let him go without any worries now.

Kathleen - posted on 08/30/2009

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Quoting Laura:

My ex boyfriend and I have two sons together and we broke up when I was five months pregnant with my two month old and what scares me most is that I know he will be moving on way before me and I think that because I know he cannot care for our children on his own because my oldest is only 13 months and he can hardly handle him on his own because he gets frustrated and angry when the baby is upset and he cant stop it . So I am scared to leave my children with him because I wouldnt want to stop him from moving on but I wouldnt want his new woman to be the one comforting my babies. I dont trust my ex more than five mins alone with my babies and I dont think I could trust anyone else who I dont know alone with them either.


 



this is how i feel also. because he has never looked after my son  and i dont want to leave him alone with him. so i know if they are spending the day together it would be the other women trying to take care of my son. and when i have this new baby i dont want them to be like awwww how cute we should have a baby. and knowing him he probly would do it and then leave her to.

Laura - posted on 08/30/2009

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My ex boyfriend and I have two sons together and we broke up when I was five months pregnant with my two month old and what scares me most is that I know he will be moving on way before me and I think that because I know he cannot care for our children on his own because my oldest is only 13 months and he can hardly handle him on his own because he gets frustrated and angry when the baby is upset and he cant stop it . So I am scared to leave my children with him because I wouldnt want to stop him from moving on but I wouldnt want his new woman to be the one comforting my babies. I dont trust my ex more than five mins alone with my babies and I dont think I could trust anyone else who I dont know alone with them either.

Rosie - posted on 08/30/2009

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I will be honest, I have dealt with this many times in my life. Starting at a very young age.

My father remarried when I was 4 and I know it was difficult on my mom but she never showed it to me. I think if she had I may have very different opinions of my step mother now. But as a result, I was able to judge for myself and decide that I actually really love her. That being said, in no way, shape or form did she replace my mom or my feelings for my mom.

I agree that you need to set boundaries but you said yourself that the woman loves kids so she will most likely be a good person to have around your kids right? And not to mention the fact that he is the father and unless he did something to harm the children than he needs to be around them. I would watch, listen and compromise.

I have two children, different dads, my son's father was abusive and hurt our baby when he was 10 weeks old. We haven't seen him since (8 yrs later) and I have no intention to however, lately my son has been saying that he wants to meet his dad. Now I can keep my 8 yr old from him for now but not forever. knowing what he did to my baby I still have to buck up and let them meet eventually. I think it will be harder on me then my son but I know it will happen.

My daughters father remarried some years back and I really like her, my daughter has her own opinion that was made by her spending time with her. However, her stepmom will never replace me. If you are a loving, caring and, in general, good mom than you don't need to worry about them trying to "steal" your babies. That will not happen. Just keep eyes and ears open, keep journals of everything the baby says and every interaction with both dad and gf. Remember that it is hardest on you but try to keep that hurt and anger away from your children. Good luck

Brenda - posted on 08/30/2009

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Hi My name is Brenda. It's all so hurtful isn't it? My son is now 23. His dad and I seperated when he was 5. A looonnggg time ago but I still remember how hard it was when my ex started dating and then got marrried. My son would come home and tell me his new stepmom was the best mom in the whole world. I decided at that moment that I wasn't going to make my son feel bad about this. Every time he'd come home from his dad's we'd snuggle up on the couch and he'd tell me all about his time there. The good and the bad. I'd celebrate the good and ask him all kinds of questions about what he liked over there and if we should try some stuff at home. He never wanted to because he liked home too. I think he was looking for permission to like it at his dad's house. We also talked about what he didn't like and I sometimes cried with him with the choices his dad made for him. He came home very hurt sometimes. All of this helped us prepare for the divorce that his dad and new wife finally went through. I also had to come to the idea that even though I resented this new lady for being with my son when I couldn't the most important thing for me was not having to worry about my son's safety when I couldn't be with him. This was not easy but it was best for my son. I have since adopted 6 more kids as a single mom and am still on good terms with my ex husband and his third wife. In fact we are even friends on facebook!

Kira - posted on 08/30/2009

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I am going to send you a message instead of posting it here, b/c I don't need my ex's gf reading it, LOL

Kira - posted on 08/30/2009

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Quoting Marcie:

Well I'll tell you something. My boyfriend and I have a son and he has a son with his ex. his ex made it court ordered that I'm not allowed around her son. I have no criminal background, no child endangerment..nothing...I supposed she did it to make him moving on hard on him (and me) I don't think it's right to keep your ex from moving on from your relationship...without being able to do it with the kids. I'd say let her do it...but keep open ears and eyes.....the min anything you don't like that can legally turn into trouble call child protective service in your area and petition the court...and then there are going to be the little things you cant do anything about. Just be happy you babies have a dad who wants to be a part of their lives....but remember...if you take my advice eyes and ears open, ask those babies questions too...Us moms can always figure shit out! I hope this was helpful.



I wondering how your bf's ex managed that to where you are not allowed around her son.

Rachel - posted on 08/30/2009

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It is true you can't control who he brings around the kids unless they are dangerous but aside from that if he has effectively abandoned the children for a relationship with this other woman the situation is not going to reflect well on him and that may be how the courts see it too. You need to check it out.

Rachel - posted on 08/30/2009

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I think you need to get some advice from a legal sence. If you approach authorities enquiring as to what your ex could do and what the outcome would be you will be able to get in first with how you want things to be. Maybe you should go to citisens advice and maybe speak to a lawer. If you are on benefits you should be able to get a lawer on legal aid and therefore you wouldn't have to pay for it. You could also speak to a social worker. They would work WITH you to find out an outcome you're happy with. They may be able to arrange supervised visitation where you meet them with the kids in a neutral venue where there is someone there to monitor how things go but you are also there. That means that they get to see the kids and the kids see their dad but they aren't alone with them. I think your ex is expecting a lot to be honest and I wouldn't be happy if I was in the situation. But if he's saying he'll fight for weekend custody, you need to find out how likely he would be to be granted that. He could fight for it but it doesn't mean he'd be awarded that and he could just be saying it to fighten you into backing down. Don't assume anything though. Go and make sure you know what his chances would be. If you were advised that he wouldn't get awarded weekend custody then you could call his bluff and see what happens. The more you know, the better. Also you could talk to Gingerbread which is a support organisation for single parents, your midwife or healthvisitor will be able to tell you their number. They will know better how you stand in a legal position. Good luck.

[deleted account]

Ugh! I think all single moms go through this at least once. I went through it when my husband & I briefly separated. I can't tell you what to do because everyone situation is different but I can tell you that you can't control who he has your child around unless that person is unsafe for them to be around.

Deidre - posted on 08/29/2009

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OMG too familiar .Only we we're married... He left when our son was 1.5. He just left and didn't look back . Then we found out i was prego. He did not help,communicate ,or visit our son during it all... All of a sudden I file for divorce and the judge granted visitation to him. All I know is he had been living with this girl for my whole pregnancy and he showed up with her to our precedings !!!!! She's actually not bad, but he has a bad habit of acting like he care for his kids when he's involved with someone. So I'm starting to believe this is better than not having a dad at all in their life.

Ashley - posted on 08/29/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. my ex did the same thing to me. We made a promise that when the baby was born His gf would NEVER be around our daughter untill she was old enough to understand Who mommy and daddy is and why daddy had a different girlfriend. And it turned out from the day i brang her home till the last time he saw her he lied to me and let his girlfriend see her.

Just let him know that your putting your foot down, She has no Right to be around your kids and if he wont agree with you, he wont see them.

Kelly - posted on 08/29/2009

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Remember that no one cant take the place of you. You are his mom. He needs his dad too. Its hard right now and your very upset at him so understand how you feel Ive been there. Take one day at a time. No one can take your babies away from you. However it is up to you whether you want her to be with him when he visits. I you are not comfortable with it tell him he can see the kids but alone. I had a friend that got a divorce and put in the papers that he was not able to have the opposite sex over mostly sleep over while his daughter was visiting unless he married again. Although it did become a difficult situation. I pray that you can gain the peace in your heart to forgive him for your kids sack. Best of luck If need someone to talk to we are here for you.

Gillian - posted on 08/29/2009

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Hi im sorry to hear about your situation i do sympathise! My husband walked out and left me with a ten day old baby and a two year old for someone he had met at work and she already had three kids!! he took them out on day trips with them and they stayed at her house overnight without me knowing! then they had a child of their own and my kids are lucky if they see their dad once a fortnight he never has them overnight or at weekends just for a couple of hours and he gets married again soon. The best advice i would give is to go with the flow if you went to court he would get access anyway so if you could agree between yourselfs that would be better for your children but make sure it is on your terms! i understand how you feel about the girlfriend but he could say she wasn,t seeing them and she probably would anyway so best you know about it! do right by your kids as long as you are being positive about their dad even if you do not feel that way you will reap the rewards in the long run and what goes around comes around as they say! the best of luck keep your chin up it does get easier xx

Kathleen - posted on 08/29/2009

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ok im not trying to control the situation.. they have only been together for 3 weeks and i dont see why she should be spending time with my son... i have talked to him about it and i said that if they are still together in like 6 months or a year then they can both see him together.. because i dont just want my son meeting all his new girlfriends..and i have told him he can see him son as much as he wants as long as it is at my house. because i dont trust him with my son because he has never looked after him. as for the moving thing i already told him i was moving because we had planned to move together until this happened.. and now my dad has said that he will pay for flights for him to come over if he wants to..

Gloria - posted on 08/28/2009

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As a mother and also I have been there and done that with my ex husband, many times with his 'gfs' at different times in the past many years.....Here it goes!!!
You and Him need to have respect for each other because of the kids. You may not like her or the idea of her being around and you have a right to say that to him, But Allow him to be a dad to his children.
Just because we don't like it don't give us the right to stop the guys from being fathers. Don't forget that fathers can love their kids too. There are to many fatherless children in the world for you/I to take pride in His mistakes/choices. Your Job/duty is to make sure the children remain safe,cared for and are loved. Make an agreement with Him and be an adult about it. If there is any kind of abuse, you have every right to request supervised visits but remember that the burden of proof lies with you. Love the kids first and always think about the choices you make today will "WILL" affect them later in life.
God Bless

Tanya - posted on 08/28/2009

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embrace the new woman ...let her love ur children and care for them ...every child has the right to their( caring) father and every(Good!!!) father has the right to be happy ...dont push them away and dont make the new woman feel like ur kids are a pain ....you will always be mum but children need more then mum just to love them ...teach your children that its ok to love and that its important that we all get along...kindness goes far ...these woman dont want to steal ur kids they want to love their partner and his children ...coz no matter if u like it or not she is going to play an important role in ur childs life. just because you dont like her dont mean that your children wont ...
Dont blame the other woman coz if it wasnt her it was going to be someone else who he left you for

Tanya - posted on 08/28/2009

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embrace the new woman ...let her love ur children and care for them ...every child has the right to their( caring) father and every(Good!!!) father has the right to be happy ...dont push them away and dont make the new woman feel like ur kids are a pain ....you will always be mum but children need more then mum just to love them ...teach your children that its ok to love and that its important that we all get along...kindness goes far ...these woman dont want to steal ur kids they want to love their partner and his children ...coz no matter if u like it or not she is going to play an important role in ur childs life. just because you dont like her dont mean that your children wont ...
Dont blame the other woman coz if it wasnt her it was going to be someone else who he left you for

Latoya - posted on 08/28/2009

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first I don't think your child should be around another woman just yet especially if there relationship is not going in the right direction such as marriage etc. If she is just a fly by night your child should not be around her he needs to set time to spend with his kids away from her. But if at some point they are in a deep long term relationship she should meet his kids especially if she is going to be around. He needs to know that she is trust worthy with his kids. and of course you all need to have a meeting and discus the do's and don't about the children. Tell him he can have supervise visit with the kids. he needs to build a trust with u show u that he is dependable and let the new lady come around cause from what u are saying he is not reliable and u dont need to cause any confusing or hurt to your kids.

Kristen - posted on 08/28/2009

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I was actually like that myself with my 1st daughter. And the only reason u r feeling that way is because u are truly not over him! It will be like that until u accept it for what it is, he has moved on. And u need to do the same because believe it or not he can pull u into court and get weekend visitation and there's nothing u can do about! So try and make peace with him, for the kids and yourself, move on and it will get better! ( in so causes)

Ashley - posted on 08/28/2009

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If you haven't been married to him, you are in total control! I have a 4 yr old, and have full custody, her dad does see her everyother weekend, but that's my choice, and he's a good dad. But if you are wanting any type of child support from him, in the court order there will be parenting times in that, that must be followed.



It sucks having to share your child/ren, but u must remember, your kids will always know that you are their mother, and that is how it will always be.



If he cheated on you, he'll most likely do it again to someone else. That's how they are. But if he does find some a woman that treats the kids good, that's great for the kids.

If he hasn't spent more than a few hours alone with him, most likely he'll be going to his families house to help.. The situation sucks, but at least you have seen this new gf with the kids to know how she'll treat them..

[deleted account]

I totally understand where your coming from. You had that kid and are about to have another. If he didn't want to be dad before this then he has no right to be dad now because she wants kids. THEY AREN'T HER KIDS! The relationship may not even last then your kids will be attached to someone and have to lose her.
I say stick to your guns and keep your kiddos to yourself where you know they are safe!

Felicia - posted on 08/27/2009

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wow thats a low move on the new girlfriends part, but just because he has a new woman in his life doesnt mean that she is going to be Mum now. If this relationship with the new girl is a serious stable relationship, i dont see why its a bad thing for her to be around. Obviously its going to take time to get used to but, the more people that love your children and help care for them the better. One day your going to have a new love in your life, and you wouldnt want to keep him from your kids right? Now, if this new chick is just some kind of fling, or has some serious issues like drugs or some kind of harmful defect, well obviously keeping your kids away from her is the best thing. In the long run, kids need stability, and if this woman is going to be around dad for now on and if she is a good person then the right thing is to let dad see his kids even if she is there. Just listen to your mothers instinct.... If you feel like there is potiental for harm, then dont go with it, but if your just emotionaly upset cause dads got a new gal, then unfortunatly you will just have to get over it. Like i said, you will find a new love, and you will want to share everything with them including your children.

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2009

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You do not have to even give visitation unless court ordered . Let him go through all the legal steps . If he is serious about wanting to be a dad he will do on his own , if not he will disappear . Child support also does not mean he gets to see kids . Two different court orders . If you are not married he has to establish paternity unless he signed birth certificate ,If he follows all rules there is not much you can do about her but set up visitataion at court approved place with a chaperone . Have to have proof that she is bad influence or abusive . Search her out in court records for your area . Good luck ...got lucky . Mine to stupid to seek through the proper channels . Be tough and say no .

Rendee - posted on 08/27/2009

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In Arizona, it is different if you weren't ever married. I am not sure where you are, but going through this with my husbands first wife and then myself when we divorced...here is what I did:
Make a calendar of when he actually sees the kids and for how long, if he gives you money, anything that he does for the child.
Try and get him to have supervised visits...in AZ the father has to pay for them and the GF won't be able to come.
Because of my Ex's tract record with the law and choices he made, I got full custody of my son with no visitations. He doesn't pay child support, but I would rather my son not be around his new wife and their two new children. I totally understand where you are coming from. Good luck with it and I hope that helped.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/27/2009

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I think not wanting your children around someone your ex considers important in their lives is a hard choice. Though I completely understand not wanting the person your ex left you for around your kids, especially since you are pregnant. Women that date men who are already with someone aren't okay in my book, especially when there are kids involved. Just remember that no one will EVER replace you as your son's mom. So, you shouldn't worry about that. I have an ex who barely even spent 3 hours with our son when we split up, but now he is showing me slowly that he can take him for a whole day without me having to worry. I think it is going to be a fight if you try to keep the girlfriend from being around your children, so if you want to do anything legally be ready for a fight. I think if you set boundaries and maybe for the first few times be there when she is around the kids, so she knows you are keeping an eye on her that might help. I am truly saddened to hear about your situation, but I am glad you aren't with him anymore because he sounds like a real jerk! Also, you can write up a rigid custody agreement and definitely get SOLE physical custody.

Jessica - posted on 08/27/2009

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Quoting Kathleen:

yes but the thing is i dont want to take it to court.. because i am actually planning to move in 3 months... to another state so i can live closer to my parents and have some support.. because i have absolutely none here.. im only living in this area because of him. if i couldnt move i would be here all ALONE!!! and some of my friends have told me storys of how courts have made people stay somewhere and they cant move.. just so the father can see them. like he will still be able to see them. my dad has said he will pay for flights for both of us (because they are like $700) so i can come over here to visit him and he can come over to visit us. but yea.. this whole situation is just realy confusing right now.. i dont want to be told that i cant leave!



Dont mention to them that you plan on going out of state! The only way he would bring it up and have it ordered that you cant move is if he knows you plan on moving! If the issuse is never broght up the courts SHOULD automatically grant you the power to move the kids where ever you like with out consulting him first and if he wants to see them then it would be up to him to make the arrangements to do so! Thats how my husbands papers are.... she can move anywhere she likes as long as she lets him know her new address.... but we arent worried about her going to far because she grew up here and all her family is here so the chances that she will leave the area are slim. Once again... I wish you luck!

Alysha - posted on 08/27/2009

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Hi there,
I just wanted to let u know i know how u feel about not wanting ur Ex's girlfriend in ur sons life. But at the end of the day, if it goes to court and ur Ex has custodey in his own time, its his time and his choice who he wants to see ur son while he has that custodey. This child is both Urs and his, and u are 2 seperate ppl. U do not get to rule his life and u shouldnt.
I am currently on the other end of the stick u have. My Partner of 5 years has a 15 month son, we split up for a few months and got back together. And the mother will not let my partner see the child, She has never let him see the child and it has been a long a hard battle in court for him to get custodey of some discription of his son. The reason the mother refuses to let him see the child in his own time is because of me. Because she is jealous of me, She feels threatened by me, and she doesnt want her son to have another mum. but what she doesnt realise is tat i know the boundaries, I only want to be the childs friend, Someone to turn to if he needs someone. This is something she doesnt realise.
She thinks that she can control my partner and his life now they are not together. She thinks she has the last say in everything. He is a individual person and he has moved on with his life. We are now expecting our first child due in March, and are engaged.
Also know, if u decide to jump ship and move to another state, He has every right to have your ordered back by the courts. If you prevent him from seeing both children without a reason, u will risk losing part custodey of these children if it goes to court.
So i suggest u start thinking about ur children and their relationship with their father and stop trying to control the situation.

Linda - posted on 08/26/2009

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First you need to remember that you will ALWAYS be his mom..nobody can replace you or ever will. Unfortunately, the new woman in your man's life will spend time with him unless you have proof that she is unfit ( caused harm in some way to your son) and go to court to get a restraining order and all that. My husband of 19 years left me for another woman and while I'm not thrilled at the idea that my kids spend time with her, I don't have a lot of choice in the matter..you can either live up to his ( and her) expectations that you'll be the psycho ex or accept it but with rules that they must follow..such as what he eats and when he goes to bed.

Kathleen - posted on 08/26/2009

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yes but the thing is i dont want to take it to court.. because i am actually planning to move in 3 months... to another state so i can live closer to my parents and have some support.. because i have absolutely none here.. im only living in this area because of him. if i couldnt move i would be here all ALONE!!! and some of my friends have told me storys of how courts have made people stay somewhere and they cant move.. just so the father can see them. like he will still be able to see them. my dad has said he will pay for flights for both of us (because they are like $700) so i can come over here to visit him and he can come over to visit us. but yea.. this whole situation is just realy confusing right now.. i dont want to be told that i cant leave!

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2009

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See the thing is... if you go to court and have a court order saying he has to do X amont of supervised visits or until the child is a certain age [usually they do it till 3 years] and they appoint YOU to supervise then YOU get to pick the location the visit will take place and if its not a public place [aka your house] then you have every right to say that she is not allowed to be there... and if he wants to see his kids then he will do the supervised visits. The way they court did it with my husband was that he had to do 10 supervised for 1-5 pm on certain sats [1st 3rd and 5th of every month] then do 10 UN supervised from 1-5 [where we are now] on the same days then after that it will be 10 visits from 8-5 then 10 from 6pm sat-6 pm sun... then it will be the standard every other weekend... but he and the mom agreed to do it that way...so if you wanted to do the supervised visits longer then Im sure you could ask for that! I would definatly take it to court and ask for as much supervised visits as possible and by the time he would be able to take them out of your house, she would either have stayed around long enough for you to maybe trust her more.... or she could be out of the picture!

Kathleen - posted on 08/26/2009

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i understand that one day she might have to be in thier lives... but i dont see the relationship as serious at the moment.. they havent been together long. so why should i let my baby spend time with her when they will probably be broken up soon. i am still good friends with the father.. and he has told me a few things... im just not sure what to think at the moment. like all of this is probably because im angrey at her because she knew that he had children and i was pregnant and that we were still together and she just went along and ruined it all for me. so i think i will always hold a grudge. and i am worried about another women loving my children i dont know why its just wierd!!! i have told him that he can only see his son if he comes to my house. but im not sure how long she will keep allowing that.. im sure one day she will decide that she HAS to come along or something...

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2009

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Well I am now a step mother to a little girl that I love more than life itself... and cant stand her mother.... it is possible! And like I said.... it is better than having someone who will be mean to her just because she is YOUR daughter. At least she wants to be good to her! Just go with it... I know its hard but it could be so much worse! Again.. good luck!

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