I have to say something.

Amanda - posted on 02/01/2012

I know a few mothers who refuse their children 'extra' time with their fathers just because. These Dads are GOOD dads but the Moms are selfish. One day they will regret it as someone very close to me had such a mother and yes, he resents the fact she used him as a pawn for her own purposes.

Anna - posted on 02/01/2012

I complete agree with Arrynne. I see parents do everything in their own best interest but only talk about the best interest of the child for the world to see. It's sad enough that the child is deprived of living with both parents together like any happy family. it adds up to the torure that the child is having to see all these dirty games being played. If a mother really claims of loving her child, she would be flexible enough for the sake of the child. No matter if the decree says 2 days visitation for father, I would be ok with my child wanting to spend more time with dad.



I should be a good mother in my actions and not in words. I have seen mothers leaving their child with relatives and baby sitters all day but would not let dad have an extra 15 minutes of the time.



Remember, it's important to win your child's heart than to win an argument with an ex or to win a custody battle. The child will only grow up hating you for keeping him away from his dad and being unfair to the child.



Lets treat our children like human beings that have feeling and these helpless little people do get hurt when you don't care about how they feel. Lets not treat them like slaves or a possession that we can do anything to them just because they are dependent on us.



I am not a parent but seeing my nephew go through a living hell brings tears to my eyes and I feel helpless in the face of destiny. I pray to God to please only give children to the people who have the sensitivity to treat them kind and to understand them. Please do not make children suffer in any way - physically or emotionally.

Lyssa - posted on 02/01/2012

and btw, i only posted to this in the "single moms" group because i read the thread and felt i had to, as i was a single mother for 4 yrs before i met my awesome husband!

Lyssa - posted on 02/01/2012

i agree that if both parents are loving and want to be in the childs life, then it shouldn't be a battle. i myself tried so hard to keep my sons father in his life, despite how i felt and told him over and over again, it's not how you feel about me, you can hate me til the day you die and i don't care, it's about him! but, he chose drugs and alcohol instead. as a stepmom to a teenager, my husband had full custody when we got together, and over the course of a year watched her change into a completely different person as her mother manipulated and lied to her about how her dad, and me, felt about her during a custody battle. (which was ridiculous because she was 16!) it caused 3 yrs of hard feelings. so i've seen and been on both sides. if both parents are loving, don't be selfish and think about yourself. but if it comes down to protecting your child, do whatever you have to do!

Lisa - posted on 01/29/2012

I wanted to comment on this, not as a parent, but as a child of a father who was kept away from me. I am 43 years old, and still tormented by what occurred during my childhood as it pertains to my father. My mother stole all of the letters he wrote to me, hardly ever let me speak with him, and on a consistent basis told me that he didn't love me---through all my tears as a child...she was so angry with him, that she would tell me that! And it caused me such heartache...and I hate her for that...I mean, I really despise what she did, and it has been a thorn in our relationship for quite some time. And when I was sixteen, I had my dad buy me a ticket to where he lived..I told him my mother said it was okay, and left the boarding school I was at to go live with him. I never even told her I was going....she had no idea where I was for a while...albeit a short while...but still...mothers, I beg of you...having just gone through a very nasty divorce, I completely understand what it means to hate your ex....and to be disgusted to even have them in your children's lives. But what has gone on between the two of you, has nothing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,to do with the relationship your kids have with their father. And unless he is a criminal, a murderer, someone who would truly cause physical or emotional harm to your child, please think about the consequences of your actions when you keep the father away...not only for your kids, but also for the future relationship you will have with your kids...because they are smart, and they will one day figure out what you have done....

Amber - posted on 04/14/2010

I agree with you. The best interest of the child is the most important thing. Although I am a single mom, I a widowed rather than divorced so my perspective is somewhat different. I am watching my kids grow up without a father alive on this planet and know they wish every day that their dad were here. I have friends who are in bitter custody battles with their ex and tell them time and again that the kids need their father, too. Maybe the marriage ended badly, but the fact remains that children love both parents and should never be forced to choose.

Rebeccah - posted on 04/14/2010

At first I was really pissed off reading this but when I got to the last paragraph I understood where you were coming from. I had just turned 18 and was living with a family when their 26 year old nephew moved in as well. long story short he told me we were going to get married i gave him my virginity and then he changed completely after that. He's an alcoholic, drug addict, violent, pathological liar, he steals, he cusses just the worse possible man you can think of. Not only has he never even seen her in her 4 months of life he's never purchased ONE THING! He never touched my stomach while i was pregnant in fact i've talked to him ONCE in the past year. I'm trying to get supervised visits because he and his girlfriend are immature and pyschotic he called her 3 year old daughter a bitch and they scream in fight on a regular basis infront of that child. Anyways long story short i didn't put him on the birth certificate and I thank God i didn't because he could absolutely take her and not give her back so in situations like mine I whole heartedly agree with the above statement that upset you but If there is acutally a father out there who would be a good daddy and love his baby and the mother doesn't like it ... all I have to say is "grow the F up and quit being selfish. A baby needs 2 parents who love them and you should really be grateful because some people would give ANYTHING for their baby to have a daddy."

Andrea - posted on 04/14/2010

This was very well said.

Thanks for the level headed comments...'bout time!

Kendra - posted on 04/12/2010

I would love if my babies dad would want him. I would love if my babies dad WANTED to see him and not forced to. My parents and I were the only ones who welcomed my son into the world. Some people are not made for being parents.

Patti - posted on 04/11/2010

i commend you for posting this cuz your right. my daughter is kinda in this situation. but their trying their hardest to put their differences aside and be firends. that way baby tatum has both her parents

Deanna - posted on 04/11/2010

I do not think that anyone who posted regarding this comment were speaking about reliable fathers. My guess is that where ever you saw the comment about not letting the father see the child until custody was worked out was about a non reliable father who may appear as though he wants to be a part of his child's life but his behavior does not show that. Sadly, there are more unreliable father's out there than reliable ones when it comes to single mothers and their exes, especially if you look at the overwhelming number of posts on the single moms webpage. It does not make a mother a bad person that she wants to protect her child and make sure there is a custody arrangement.

Also, mother's who seek child support from reliable or unreliable fathers have an obligation to their children to do so. The money from child support is not for the mother, it is just that, support for the child. It is not only a parent's responsibility to see a child, but to also provide financial support for them. Just like two parents went into the relationship to have a child that was born out of love and they have a responsibility for that child, but they also have a financial responsibility. Children as you may know require a lot of things financially and it is just as much a father's responsibility as it is the mothers to help support that child monetarily. It is also our job as single moms to fight for the child support for our children so that they can be taken care of.

While there may be some moms out there who really do want the child's father out of their lives regardless of what type of man they are, the rest of the moms look only to protect their children from father's who believe its okay to be there when they want, or just to be "fun" dads without putting in the time and effort.

Arrynne - posted on 04/11/2010

I am sorry you and your little boy have gone through this, but obviously you have missed the entire point of my post. I am speaking of reliable fathers who are not a danger to their children and the mothers are trying to keep these fathers out of their childrens lives for no reason other than being selfish. Beleive it or not but there are good fathers out there, even though you got knocked up by a crappy one.

Anna - posted on 04/11/2010

I disagree. My little boy's dad is a psychological bully. He is manipulative, vindictive, and just a generally horrible person. Yes, he created my little boy, true. But we split up when I was 6 months pregnant - and I'd only known for 2 months by then. He couldn't handle the responsibility, he wanted his lifestyle with his drugs, ex girlfriend, booze, new cars, etc. He wasn't there for the birth of my little boy, yet he claims to be a 'loving father'. He said to me when my little boy was 2 days old that he wanted to take him off for a few days a week. I was breastfeeding and I said to him, how are you going to feed him, and his reply was ... "well you can give babies water, can't you?!". He's dangerous.
Just because a baby's dad "loves" and "cares" for their child, does not mean that they are responsible enough to be a suitable role model for the child.

When my little boy was in hospital with severe bronchiolitis, he came to the hospital, ill. He shouted at me and created a scene in the hospital room because I told him to go home because he was poking and trying to wake my little boy up, after we had been told not to disturb him.

He wants to spend time with him by himself. This is NOT happening, not until he can prove that he is a reliable, suitable and responsible parent.

He sees my little boy about 3 times a week, for a couple of hours each time. The last time we went to his house, he was trying to push my little boy to make him roll over, however my little boy was crying, because his 'loving' and 'caring' daddy had twisted his arm and could have caused him some serious damage.

I'm not on about EVER denying access to my little boy, as long as I can be there to supervise until I feel that he is ready to look after my little boy alone. I think it's going to be a long time coming yet. I take 3 days out of my week so that they can spend lots of time together. I let him help with bath time, feeding, playing, and he comes to his immunisations as well so he's making as many decisions as I am about the upbringing, even though I don't feel that he has a right to it.
I never, ever act or speak bitterly towards him in front of my son.

And before you say it, I don't care about the money. He doesn't pay, and has never paid, a penny towards my little boy. He doesn't buy him anything, he doesn't contribute in ANY way, yet he has a brand new car, always has new designer clothing, has a trendy flat in a nice area and I'm a full time student as well as a full time mommy.

I don't know about you, but I think that in my case, then it's the best interest of my little boy to have me around while he spends time with his daddy. It's not as if I even intervene, I just sit and do my Uni work in the same room while he's here, and only intervene if he's crying (which happens quite a lot) or if his daddy loses interest in him and sits on the sofa arranging his social life on his phone while my little boy is losing patience and getting bored by himself.

There is no way in hell that my little boy's dad should have 'equal' rights to him. I visited a solicitor to find out what would happen if things turned nasty, and I was assured that if it went to court, then I would very easily be granted sole custody after everything that has happened (while I was pregnant). There has been times when I've wanted to go ahead and fight for sole custody, but that would not be fair on my little boy. My mum was a single mum and I've never understood until now her bitterness towards my dad, who I've always had a positive relationship with. I would never want to make my little boy feel guilty for wanting to spend time with his dad, and in the future I really hope the dad can grow up for our little boy's sake so that they can have a really good relationship, and spend time together in a suitable, safe, responsible and positive environment.

Shannon - posted on 04/11/2010

' don't let him see her alone until you have this sorted out because he has as many rights to her as you at this time'

To me this advice is not saying don't let him see the child at all. Whomever wrote this seems to be trying to tell the mother to be sure she or someone she trusts is there at all times when the father is spending time with his daughter. Until there is a custody agreement in place the father (or mother) could disappear with that child and there isn't anything the other party can do about it because without a custody agreement each party has equal right to the child and possession is 9/10th of the law.

Tiffany - posted on 04/10/2010

The comment you have outlined can be taken one of two ways. I know when I first separated from my now ex husband that is exactly what my attorney told me. Not to let him get a hold of her until they had things done through the courts.
I agree with you on most points and I am all for father's rights and them exerting them. That just wasn't the case in my scenario. He was proven to be unstable and a danger to my child. He didn't show for the final hearing and has been in hiding since. He lives 6 miles from us and never calls or tries to visit her. He hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old. I have no pity for men like that whatsoever. There are a lot of good guys out there that are excellent fathers that have been burned by their ex's and I do feel for those men. They need to stand up and fight. There is free legal assistance out there. Not allowing the father to see their child for not paying child support isn't allowed either, that is contempt on the mother's behalf. I have gone up to bat for many single father's I have known over time. At one point in my life, I knew more single fathers than i did mothers.

Lexi - posted on 04/10/2010

I totally agree with Arrynne! Good Dad's have just as much rights as Good Mom's!

Deanna - posted on 04/10/2010

I believe that there is justification in that statement. There are many fathers, ones who do want to be part of their children's lives, but who are out to get back at the mother's, who will take a child and will not bring them back. That is why custody arrangements are important. Speak to any police officer and they will tell you that if a father (or a mother, depending on the situation) takes a child for visitation and there is no court order and he or she refuses to return the child there is NOTHING the police can do to return the child. How is that in the best interest of a child to have the parent take off with the child? So if a woman is in fear that the child's father is just going to take the child and run, I support the statement that he should not have the child until there is some custody arrangement set through the court. Lawyers will also tell you the same thing.

Remember, not every situation is the same. It is our job as mother's to protect our children and do the right things for them. They need their mothers just as much as their fathers. I am not saying I agree with running out a father who wants to be with his child, but I do agree that a custody arrangement and visitation should be handled within the courts because even in the best of circumstances emotions can run high and things can change at the drop of a hat.

Danielle - posted on 04/10/2010

In some ways i totally agree with you but everyone's situation is different....and obviously there are cases of abuse and neglect.

As a mother with full custody of my child i do not like how some parents refuse to let their child see the father over petty things such as child support..and LIKE you i totally agree that no matter what you feel towards the father, you should ALWAYS have the best interest of the child not of yourself....

My daugter was 3months old when i left her father and i tried soo hard to get him to have a relationship with her and sadly that was ONE OF TE BIGGEST MISTAKES i have ever made :(...at 4 months old he ended up hurting her very badly and with no reason or excuse ( that he would give me)....
I wentto mediation first and then went to court and got full custody ( he never showed to either)...
It breaks my heart to see my child growing up without a father, but in my case it is for the best..But it doesnt make it easier....And it does get to me when people refuse to allow their child to see the father for frivolous reason..

I know a person who wouldnt allow her son to see his dad because the dad had a girl friend!...i was shocked that because he had found someone to love she wouldnt allow him to see her son....But each to their own i guess...but i totally know where you are coming from.

Jayne - posted on 04/09/2010

' don't let him see her alone until you have this sorted out because he has as many rights to her as you at this time'

i think this may have been about the father taking the child...possibly...
a friend of mine had her child kidnapped by the father and taken overseas, and the police wouldnt chase him because they had no custody arrangment yet so it wasnt technically illegal.

my baby girl's father is in america (we're in australia), and i'm taking her to see him this june. i think it's very important that they have a relationship, but ill be making sure we have a signed agreement that i have 100% custody while we are living in seperate countries.
he's already shocked me once with his reaction to the pregnancy and i wouldnt put it past him to take her from me while im visiting him.
i know it sounds just a little paranoid, but i'd rather be sure of the legalities than lose my baby girl. i'm perfectly happy to share custody and give him as much visitation as he likes if he (ever) comes back to australia. he chose to move back to america when i was 5 months pregnant.

i completely agree that mothers should never cut the father out just out of spite and bitterness. it can be very hard to get past our own hurt to see that it's the best for the child, but we need to if we want our kids to be the best they can be.

but yeh...thats my two cents...

Kris - posted on 04/09/2010

I have to say I agree with you! My child's father is around inconsistently because of work. I would love for her to be able to have more time with him. He takes her when he can but I can tell when she starts to miss him. She is 17 months old and she walks around saying "Hi Daddy, hi Daddy" to everyone. She has a picture of him on her dresser and says goodnight to Daddy when she goes to bed. I think keeping him in her life as much as possible is very important for her.