I just want to know what the right thing is?

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012 ( 34 moms have responded )

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I am still growing used to the fact that I am a single mom... My son's father and I were together for almost 8 year (never married) and when my son was about 5 months we split up, (he is 10 months now) since that time his father has purchased a box of wipes and given me $30 for his care, he did not get him a Christmas present and hasonly seen him 6 times. He also says he doesn't believe my son is his and wants a paternitty test (which I said is ok but I won't pay for it and the state wont either because he signed a paternity acknowledgement at the hospital) well he is hot and cold and the few times he has been around my son the way he is with him makes me uncomfortable (for example getting agitated with the crying saying "What do you want" etc..) He has never hurt him or anything but he has had problems with drugs and alcohol (even though he claims to now be sober) he has recently started requesting to pick my son up and have him a few days during the week and I have a lawyer, legally unless we go to court I don't have to let him andthe idea of it makes me really really uncomfortable. Not to mention he would not have anything my son needs (bottles, Formula, diapers, wipes, alot of times he doesn't have any food)... I just want tto be sure my instincts are on point here and I don't want to deny my son a relationship with his father but him taking him unsupervised makes me really uncomfortable.... What would you do?

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Everdina - posted on 01/04/2013

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i wouldnt do it it if your not comfortable but when i read this it kinda reminded me of my situation a little but im still with there father as of now. if you ever wanna chat please message me like to get to know you

User - posted on 11/16/2012

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Hey Jessica. I would do what you're doing, with the lawyer and the questioning, however with more action. Although I'm not sure what that is, there's plenty of resources and protection for children. On your end Hunny let your animal instinct kick in FULL GEAR. That baby needs you for life and basic protection as a mommy we will devour to make happen. If this jerk barely has food he's probably using the child to spite you. Protect your child Jessica. You are all he has between him and this harsh world starting with that sperm donor. No one gonna lay an eyeball on my child unless they are fully equipped to accept and respect his innocence and my job to destroy ANYTHING that may bring harm. Charity

Sarahkaye - posted on 04/03/2012

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Always trust your motherly instincts! They are usually correct. I'd tell him if he wants your son, it has to be supervised by you, or a mutual friend.

Nicole - posted on 03/29/2012

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Let him see his child in a public or controlled environment for a couple hours at a time. Don't leave him alone with your child or let him take your child where your son could be exposed to his lifestyle. But if wants to meet ya'll at the park or your house for a lil while..that would be better. Then he can leave!!

Curran - posted on 03/29/2012

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I just want to say i have all those problems going through court at the min last time i was in court the judge ordered i had to let the dad hold my daughter it didn matter weather he is on drugs or off his head... The only advise i can give is keep records on everythin get pictures of him with the baby keep reciets of everything you spend on your son also keep dubbles just in case they get misplaced wish you the very best of luck consider anythin to keep your baby safe i know i am x

Audie - posted on 03/14/2012

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Mother's instincts are always right,,let him just visit your kids with your supervision,,if he wants to take the kids,,you gotta be frank with him that you don't trust him. Give him conditions....

Jessica - posted on 03/13/2012

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I just want to take a moment and say thanks for all the encouragement and to add



I have filed for child support, we go to court in March



I have consulted with a lawyer withgarding the visitation issues, until he decides its important enough to take me to court (which he won't) he technically has no rights (in my state, not every state)



I am not going to with hold my son from him if he is willing to come on a supervised visit...



I just want to clarify thats it is different in every state, I have sought legal counsel and I am not doing anything wrong in saying no you cannot come pick up our son.



I see no point in going to mediation, if he would like to pursue visitation (court appointed) then he needs to pursue

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2012

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I have been where you are and I say go with your instinct,,If you dont feel right letting your son go with him then don't. No matter how much you want him to be a dad to your son if he doesn't want it it won't work. You need to go get full legal custody before you let your son go anywhere, if for any reason his dad decides not to bring him back you will be on the outside trying to get your son back. Just like you dont have to let the dad have him ,,he doesnt have to give him back either ,,he has many years to be the dad or the man you want him to be,,dont set yourself up to be hurt,,

Jeanette - posted on 03/11/2012

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if you r feeling uncomfortable, dont allow it.you have to trust ur instinct!!! its telling u theres something wrong! dont take any chances with ur child. supervised visits.

Lisa - posted on 03/11/2012

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Go get mediation. Its cheaper than going to court and you have a rational person who gives advice to both of you. He is the father (whether is always acts like it or not) and you have no legal right to refuse visitation. That being said, it is his child and he is responsible for your son financially. You cannot, however, with hold visitaions because of lack of support, then you are the deadbeat.



Check out the laws in your area as they are different. Find our how to get everything figured out in a legal and binding way. Also, try to keep your emotions out of it. It is about what is best for you boy not about you.

Amy - posted on 03/07/2012

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i divorced my daughters. Bio father when she was only 6 months she is now 14. He had started drinking n doubt drugs which is why I left. I say always follow your gut. It will always b in your child's best interest. And keep him safe. From what I've learn our children are much better without a father than one on drugs and stuff. I no my daughter is much happier and healthier mentally without that in her life. I ha e always been honest with her about him and she understands why I wouldn't let her go anywhere with him but did offer to meet hump anywhere so he could spend time with her but of course he did not. Well she asked. Me this year to have his rights stripped so my husband could adopt her and she can finally have a "real daddy "that loves her. GL and I will say a prayer for you and your son

Julie - posted on 03/06/2012

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Search the yellow pages for your State's Child Enforcement Bureau and get things going on financial help from Daddy -



If a man cannot figure out why baby is drying it will only escalate when he is alone with baby...



Do the best you can to get on with your life ... this man was not ready for fatherhood ... anymore than a toddler is ready to ride a bike.



♥ love that baby and treasure him ... and donot leave Daddy alone iwth him~

Gutierrez - posted on 03/05/2012

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Follow your instincts! They are there for a reason. You know what is best for your son and don't let anyone tell you different.

Josefina - posted on 03/05/2012

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I have been a single mom for almost 9 years now, and Ican honestly say there is nothing better in the world then being a single parent!! In the beginning, before my boys biological father quit coming around, I had gotten word that he was using meth. So I did what any parent would do, i told him he was not taking my boys until i had a negative drug test from him. He refused so I refused to let him see my boys, then i threatened to take him back to court and ask the Judge to order it. Guess what, he quit seeing my boys. So if that is what you have to do to make sure your kid is safe, then so be it!! They will get over it. I am sure you could do alot more if you were doing it out of insanity, but honestly you just got to do what you got to do!!! and if that is what it takes, then guess what that is what it will take.

Teya - posted on 03/04/2012

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I am a single mom....and have been for a while. Sadly some men dont want to own up to their responsibility. You make have to file for child support and they will make him take a paternity test and he will have to pay for it. But in the meant time you have to step it up and be the mom and dad. If your uncomfortable with him taking your son with out supervision then always have someone around. It is better to be safe then sorry even if that is his father.

Veronica - posted on 03/04/2012

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You are being a great mom! I was in a similar position with my son's father. I suggest having his father come around a little more often with your supervision. Maybe meeting at a park or something, that way he can get used to being around the baby. You basically have to train him on taking care of the baby, like if he was a new employee. Sounds silly but it takes men a little bit longer sometimes to bond, but I'm sure it'll come around. Also you need to putb him on child support A.S.A.P!

Leann - posted on 03/04/2012

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I say keep your kid away from the drugs and alcohol. If his daddy ever sobers up, he will find his son and be the man he should be for him. If he doesn't, keep him away. Insist on supervised visits.

Michelle - posted on 02/29/2012

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Hi. I am a nurse and I work at a rehab recovery center. If he were truly sober or in recovery, he would not be acting the way you say he is. 10 years of drugs and poof he's sober? I've never seen it, but I guess if you are head strong and have a strong motive, it could be possible. Sponsers, meetings, giving yourself up to a higher power are signs of sobriety. Also, one of the 12 steps to sobriety is to forgive and apologize to the people you have hurt in order to move on to the next step. Obviously that hasn't happened.



I am also a single mother of an 18 month old boy. His father and I were broken up when I found out I was pregnant. I am a firm believer of a father being an active part in a child's life. Its not easy when the father goes against absolutely everything you say or ask. I am in that boat. When you want what's best for your child (father having an active role in his life) and your gut instinct say two different things, it's even harder. But your gut instinct takes a higher priority. If you don't feel your child is safe, don't put him in the situation. I had my sons father come visit at my house with me present until he was at least 6 months. After I saw that he was trustworthy, I started him off slow (3 hours at a time) at most 2 times a week. I DO NOT get along with my sons father, but I try my absolute hardest to, especially in front of my son. Just because he is his father, doesn't mean you have to let him have him. He obviously hasn't given you any reason to believe he is ready to be with him alone. I had to supply everything at the fathers house to start him out and then he bought the items as he ran out.



I really suggest you follow your gut. If he doesn't want to visit with his son with your supervision, then he obviously isn't serious, which gives you all the more reason to tell him no.



I hope everything turns out great with you and your child and the father. I hope I was helpful and you and your child are in my prayers. I will be MORE than happy to help you with anything else. I have researched anything and everything that has to do with child custody and visitation. You have the right to protect your child and, from the looks of it, you are doing great! Hope everything works out for the best!

Cathy - posted on 02/29/2012

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Taylor,

I'm in the club and you're so right, there are a lot of us out here. I love that I found this site so that I can talk to you all and see that I'm not alone, even when it feels that way. This is hard, but it's not impossible. Hard I can do, being in an unhappy 20 year marriage was hard, being alone and broke with kids and a jerk for a dad, that's hard, but again, not impossible. Here's to us ladies!!!

Taylor - posted on 02/29/2012

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join the club!! i am in very very similar shoes.. and there are a billion women in those shoes as well.. i feel your pain.. but unfortunatley there is not right or wrong. there is no "good answer" this is a hard road.. and it will be for a long time. the best advice i can give you.. is to try to be friendly with your childs father.. keep the peace because it will be easier to keep communication open. goodluck hun.. i wish none of us had to be in these shoes : (

Cathy - posted on 02/29/2012

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Jessica,

I figured he wasn't going to either that's why I said to tell him that because if he were truly clean and sober, he would be attending or have a sponsor. Keep your head up and I hope things work out for you and your son. You seem like a really good mom and for that your son will be fine, cheers.

Crystal - posted on 02/27/2012

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Np anytime i think its important to have some one to talk to that understands as much as i love my mom and my sister and my friends sometimes they just dont understand so anytime

Crystal - posted on 02/27/2012

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i understand completely my ex is like that all or nothing what he wants when he wants it or you should hear the things he says to me its never about our daughter but about him i hate it and it makes me sick that he cant put her first i wish my ex would have superivsed visitation i do hope things get better for you

Cathy - posted on 02/27/2012

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It doesn't have to be, it's only because he's pushing and you're trying to do the right thing for your son. If he doesn't want to compromise, you should tell him to talk to his sponsor at NA/AA because "I'm sure they would help you understand my concerns until you are clean for a long time". That should shut him up for a while!!!

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012

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I think his sister would protect my son when he is in her care, however she has told me she does not completely believe his sobriety either, like most users he is good at hiding it and is capable of manipulating and lying and making you believe he is doing well when he is not....



@ Crystal as far as the court order is concerned that's pretty much where I have left it, my lawyer said with his record (there is currently a warrant for him also but I have no desire to put him in jail) the most he could get is supervised visitation if he were to petition the court, and I could live with supervised visitation, its him getting him solo that I have a problem with.... But I know how important it is that my child have father so I am struggling with not letting him pick him up when he asks... I don't understand why it has to be all or nothing and he won't compromise at all

Crystal - posted on 02/27/2012

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idk how much help i can be but i will tell you this when my daughter was born i had the same issues excepet we were married and he left me pregnant however i felt as you did i still do my ex had very little to do with my daughter until she was 1 1/2 and even now we dont get along but b/c we went to court and he showed 1% of wanting to be involved he got it now he gets her every other weekend and he only pays child support when he sees her and its when he wants it if his life is to busy or what not he doesnt see her we've gone for months with out word from him i struggle with all him ever doing is yelling and screaming at me when he doesnt get his way and not trusting him or anything he does when he is with her.... if you do not have a court order follow your instincits until he forces the issue with going to court then and even now try to take it one day at a time

Cathy - posted on 02/27/2012

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Perfect. Would she also be a reliable source to witness his sobriety? I have a brother and sister-in-law that I am very close to. I also have to tell her every now and then that "he is my brother" and I don't throw him under the bus (I'm talking silly stuff, married people arguing stuff), but my point is would she be truthful with you if she were to know if he is sober. I would totally throw my brother under the bus and start the darn thing and run him over myself if he were to hurt my nephew, so can you trust her to tell you when or if it would be time to let him see him alone?



Don't you just wish we could put a bubble around our babies and not let this stuff into their lives?!!

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012

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I don't trust his parents, but his sister (my son's Aunt) is around alot, I have even let her babysit for a few hours and would be comfortable with her supervising

Cathy - posted on 02/27/2012

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You are in such a better place than I was!!! I'm proud of you and the way you are thinking. Yes, it would be VERY hard to believe that a 10 year drug addiction or any addiction for that matter could be erased over night without counseling or rehab. Sorry, but I don't buy it either. As for the invites that have been declined, that's a red flag and your instincts are spot on. If he is sober and if he has pure intentions and REALLY wants to see his son, then he would be present and show his new found sobriety. I would try and stick to supervised visitiations. As a mom, I know that if my kids were hurt or damaged or even introduced to that lifestyle, I would be livid and probably do one of those stupid things I did 7 years ago!!! Is there anyone, such as his parents, that could be there when he sees him?

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012

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Also want to add it hasn't been in a place where we are screaming at each other in a long time.... when he wants to fight I just hang up the phone.... if we do argue its via text and I absolutely refuse to argue when my son is present or when he is in earshot if on the phone.

Jessica - posted on 02/27/2012

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I want to believe he would be safe with his dad, I also want to believe that his dad is sober, I really am not resentful or his father, I just didnt want to raise my son in that environment so I got out, my problem is my head and my instincts say its not safe.... I would like to add that his dad has been invited to see his son with me present and to go do things with us and has opted not to...If he would take the time to show me that he can be responsible and capable of taking care of him without becoming agitated and provide for my son while he was in his care I would not have a problem with him getting him on occassion, but Ican't believe him just saying it, I need to see it... Its hard to believe he had a drug problem for 10 years and all of the sudden he is sober with no rehab, no counseling or anything... IDK ...

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