I'm venting!

Diana - posted on 09/07/2010 ( 55 moms have responded )

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I have a serious issue with all the single mothers out there that complain about child support/visitation/baby daddy is a jerk...etc.

I'm a single mom but in a different kind of boat. I was raped and decided to keep my child. He is, MY child. But I was 23 when this happened and even then thought I was too young to be having a child seeing as I was just a child myself. I am now 35 and I look back, wouldn't change a thing. But I read all these posts form such young mothers and wonder... where was the protection? Why are girls of such a young age that have had no time to grow themselves allowing men to use their bodies and then letting those men dump on them. I am aghast and appalled at how the world is becoming more over teen single moms.

My question is... If you let this boy impregnate you, why do you bitch about it? You are 50% the reason his child was brought into the world.

I mean no disrespect to any of the mothers, but as I learned long ago "You play, you pay."

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Jasmine - posted on 09/08/2010

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"You play, you pay?" Seriously?? It took two to play so why shouldn't two be held accountable?

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2010

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OK I see that you are complaining about young women complaining about having babies with men they hardly knew, but really how can you decide how well they knew the man that made them a single mom. I for example was married to the man that made me a single mom, however he cheated on me with what was suppose to be my bestfriend and left me while I was 6months pregnant. So that is why I bitch because he is a dead beat and with another women that was supose to be my bestfriend and now she is having a baby too, and he wants to be there for every part of that baby's life yet has only seen my son 2times since he was born and he is 4 months old now. So really you can't even judge the young women that you say barely knew the man, cause you don't really know that everyone needs a place to go to vent about what is bothering them and they are fighting with.

Courtney - posted on 09/11/2010

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So, here's the thing. I get what you're saying about the young women not using protection. But, I CONSCIOUSLY waited (used birth control, abstinence, etc.) until I thought I was old enough and in a good place. I was in a 3-year relationship at the time and was on birth control for 10 years. I wasn't able to get the refill for my prescrition, menstruated, and 2 DAYS LATER, got pregnant. Now, yes, it was my choice at that point not to use a condom, but for all intents and purposes, I thought I'd be ok right after my period. I was wrong. Then I thought, ok, well, I'm in a decent, longer-term relationship, we can work through this. However, my daughter's father turned tables and put me out at 5months pregnant. We tried again once she was born, but after 3 months, it was all much too wrong for me to stay in. So I left. Technically, I guess I chose to be a single mom, but that doesn't make what I'm going through any less difficult or any less pertinent. There are many women in situations similar to mine. And this is a place for us to meet, share stories, vent, get advice, etc.

And, while I'm on it, all things seemed to be in line for things to work as "normal",and then they all came crashing down very quickly. There are many reasons why we are single moms. But that doesn't make any one person's experience or situation better or worse than another's.

Yes, I vent. I didn't think he was going to be a complete and utter douche. So I look for a place to vent my frustrations. There have even been times since we've split where he's been wonderful and all i could hope for in this situation, and two days later, he turns into a douche, yet again....

Ok, guess I've gone to the venting place again... But, I should stop.

Jennifer - posted on 09/09/2010

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What happened to you is so distressing and I'm willing to bet that any woman who reads your post hurts a bit inside for you. Unfortunately having an awful indefensible experience like yours isn't the only way to have an awful, pain filled experience. There are a lot of us out here hurting badly for a large variaty of reasons, and like you we're all doing our best to live with the choices or unwanted events that brought us to where we are today, while aiming to create something better for ourselves and our children in the future. We know that we're half responsible for our pregnancies. The pain for a lot of women is in knowing that the other half doesn't care to be responsible for his contribution. My father left for good and I will never understand how he could do that - wild horses couldn't keep me from my children! Or from giving them the best of what I've got - financially, emotionally, in every way. Maybe what's still hurting you so much is that someone took the choice of getting pregnant away from you. Took away a number of choices. I admire you for keeping your baby - I don't honestly know how I would react to those circumstances. You have my respect for that.

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What a @#$%&.... There are plenty of different situations out there, everyone is unique. Should people believe you are a saint for keeping a rape baby?? That was your choice, and now you are venting. So what if someone needs to vent about what a piece of @#$% their child's father is... Let them... Why should they be criticized for it? I'm sure you had to go through some emotions when you found out you were pregnant with a rapists baby. I'm sure you had someone to talk to too. Some people don't have that luxury and come on here to vent... Just like you did. Shame on you for looking down on others. What a self righteous cunt... pardon the language.

Racheal - posted on 09/12/2010

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You can't judge if you haven't lived someones life. You can't know what someone has gone through, or the things they've done or what happened to them. Of course you don't understand, you haven't lived their life.

Rachel - posted on 09/12/2010

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I'm sorry but I've got to say, this post is discusting! what gives you the right to say that about other mothers? this is a site for mothers to come on and talk about their children or to parental concerns, not slag each other off!! and yes I'm a young mum, I'm 20 with a nearly 2 year old daughter, and she doesn't see her dad. I thought I was in a stable relationship yet he still left me 5 months pregnant! so why shouldn't I be annoyed that he helped me create a life yet I'm the one thats left to look after her while he swans off living his life doing whatever he wants? and yes you play, you pay, shouldn't that saying be for the man aswell?

Elizabethe - posted on 09/11/2010

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My situation is different from yours, true Diana, however I never expected to be a single mother let alone a mother at all I was told repeatedly that I would never have kids by 4 different doctors and alas I have 2 beautiful kids. Top it all off I never expected that the @$$ I married would do what he did, I have tried to get him to pay child support he keeps skipping the state or quitting or losing his job so he doesn't pay. so far this stupid state has not given me the assistance for help either. Apparently I make 4 dollars too much for any assistance due to my sons disability check some months I do not have enough to buy groceries so sometimes it is easier for some of us mothers to complain about our situations since sometimes it is easier to complaine to strangers rather than family or friends because we don't want to have them see how much we are struggling with being single moms. I could go on but I won't you are right I am a single mom I guess there is nothing I can do to change that for right now but to bear up and try to make ends meet and suffer in silence. hmmmm

Courtney - posted on 09/11/2010

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I forgot to clarify. I was 26 when I found out I was pregnant and am almost 29 now... So that is why I say I waited until I thought I was old enough, etc.

Stephanie - posted on 09/11/2010

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Good point, however, regareless of how one became impregnated it would be easier to raise a child on your own completely rather than having to maintain some kind of strained relationship with the father of your child. I am divorced with three boys from my ex and he recently was incarcerated for DWI with the children in the car. It was far easier to raise the boys during that time when he was absent than now when he is back in the picture. I agree that we are still 50% of the reason we have all the trouble and there is a lot of venting to be done. Forgive us for spilling out our frustrations on those undeserved. God bless you for mothering your child in those circumstances

Amber - posted on 09/11/2010

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Hi Diana, My name is Amber and i'm 19 years old. I am the mother to a beautiful 15 month old girl. I was dating her "sperm donor" for 3 years before I found out I was pregnant. I got pregnant at 17 had her at 18. After we found out I was pregnant he went crazy started to drink EVERY night and eventually tried to kill himself a couple of times. At some point while i was a pregnant he went out to his aunts house which is in a diff city broke into someones house stole there pills and a gun and I never even knew I just found out about this a couple of weeks ago. Back in Feb he stabbed a man for whatever reason went to jail and now he is gonna be in prison for up to 5 years. My point is you will NEVER really know someone. Did i actually think my bd would ever harm anyone..no! But he did. I agree with alot of what your saying because I am a "young single mom"! But my sitiuation has nothing to do with my AGE. I do not complain about my problems and even if I did what does it really matter to you or anyone else. I think that ANY woman no matter what AGE shouldn't mess around with a man without knowing the risks! I love my daughter more then ANYTHING in this world I work 2 jobs and i don't get ANY help from my sperm donor or the gov its just me!
I am proud to say that i am a teen/young single mother I do not regret anything. And the only reason why it pisses me off about my dead beat dad the only thing you will EVER find me bitching about is what he has done that will effect my baby in the long run not about me and how I feel personally i like him gone less drama i don't have to share my time but its gonna hurt my daughter and to me that is worth complaining or bitching about.

Jeri - posted on 09/10/2010

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Why did we let the boys impregnate us? Because some of us actually loved the guy. And he said he loved us.. there were promises made. I even got married and now Im getting divorced. We were together 3 year and he turned out to be way too selfish and chased other girls way too much for me. But that wasnt 'cheating' because he never did anything with them.. just talked dirty and made plans to do things with them... And I was pretty much told that I just needed to suck it up. I loved him, but I am not going to be treated that way by NO BOY!

Jenita - posted on 09/10/2010

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This is an extremely loaded conversation. There are many facets of the convo that I agree with and some I am not so sure about. When you say "young mothers," and talk about "young peoples" choices, that is just what they are....YOUNG. We are still learning, and we come here to look for support and advice.Yes, it was my choice to have sex and I should own up to my responsibilites, but that in NO WAY should affect my right to speak freely of my day to day frustrations and insecurities.
How can anyone ever be sure that the person they have is the one? You may have been married to a man for 15-20 years, who has been a devoted husband and father, that suddenly decides he want something different. People grow and people change. You just have to trust that you are doing the right thing in reaction to whatever situation occurs... adapt.. and thrive.

I do agree that we can choose our child's role models, but sometimes the situation isnt always straight forward. There are feelings and emotions of all the people involved to be considered. All I know is, as long as my daughters father is trying his best to be in his child's life as a positive influence, I will allow him to. If at any time he fails to be that positive influence or she perceives him in a negative light, that will be through no fault of mine.

Bev - posted on 09/10/2010

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Meghan, I gather you are getting child support which is more than many get and the amount is determined by the court and is only supposed to 'help' support the child(ren) which we all know it won't but no reason to waste the effort on something you can do nothing about is my way of thinking....if he is not visiting what are you dealing with? your son still has a chance to know him and make his own decisions...does your ex visit with the other child? I think you are doing much better than many - keep it up!!!

Diana - posted on 09/10/2010

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I'm sorry Morgan, but it's your line of thinking that i don't get. You would rather have your son than have gotten to know the father a lil better, decided he wasn't worth it and moved on? Thus making your life free from the ties of motherhood til you met the 'right' guy.

Morgan - posted on 09/10/2010

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I agree with you and I'm one of those girls. I bitch about him only for the fact that he says he wants to be in B.'s life but then doesn't prove it and he says he wants to help out financially but the only time he has helped is when I've asked for formula and diapers but then he buys the wrong kind of formula, which would make our son sick. I didn't know him very well and if had known him NOTHING would have happened between us but I would rather have my son and complain and struggle than not have him.

Meghan - posted on 09/10/2010

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I know some girls get pregnant to keep a man. And some girls get pregnant because they love the idea of being a mom, without really and truly knowing the road they're going to be traveling. I, myself, have two children (one at 20 and the other at 21). I bitch about what my ex pays because $275 a month for two children is nothing. I have daycare tuition to pay, school supplies, clothes, diapers, wipes, food, etc. But the thing is, I was MARRIED when I had my children. And I don't think being 23 is considered a child, because there are a lot of 23 year old girls out there who have been through a lot. At 24, I've been through more than a lot of 40 year old women. Sexual assault, abuse, drugs, alcohol, homeless 2x (once with my daughter and pregnant), I mean you name it, odds are I've either been there or close to it. For the most part, I don't care about my child support, I partially wish he'd sign his rights away so I wouldn't have to deal with him. My son is 2 and he's met his father once, over a year ago.

Jessica - posted on 09/10/2010

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To this day i have only been with one man( i use the term loosely) and i was almost 21 when i first had sex. and i was 22 when i had my son. I got pregant just shy of a year after we started dating(and by just shy i mean like 2 weeks before the 1 yr ann.) I never planned on having kids but he had a son(that i was willing to raise as my own because he has a deadbeat mom) But my ex wanted another child. I always told him no and made him wear a condom. Then one day he decided to get sneaky and i didn't know til after the fact he wasnt wearing one. And I loved my son from the moment i found out i was pregnant and I made the decision to raise him alone because my ex showed his true colours after a year of being together. He had actually broken up with me before i found out and when he was told he wanted to get married and all this crap and i told him no. We broke up and he thought every time i was civil it ment we were back together and then once he finally got it through his head that we were through he told me he wasnt going to see my son when i started dating somebody else so i told him he wasn't going to see him at all because i wasnt going to do that to my son. So i have been single and doing it myself for almost 2 yrs ( my little guy will be 2 in Oct) And yes i do bitch about the lack of support from time to time because it is hard and I have had some other things going on in my life that add to/ cause some financial isssues. But Im not bitching about raising my son myself but ya know that little bit of money a month would help. And trust me it is a little.

Diana - posted on 09/10/2010

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If he is such an @$$hole then, why do you allow him to be a part of his sons life? We don't get to choose our parents, but we do get to choose our childrens role models.

Megan - posted on 09/10/2010

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im not married and have never been. i have a court order for child support and custody is mine. he wanted visitation as i saw fit. i am only around him so that my son will know his dad. now my son has a great relation ship with SD"s family (mom, dad, and brother) and we spend alot of time with them so reguardless of if i want to be around him or not i will not keep my son from his dad even though his dad is an asshole. i dont bitch around my son b/c i want him to form his own opinion of what his dad is like, not adopt mine. the only thing that really pisses me off is he lives 3 minutes from us and barely ever sees him.

Michelle - posted on 09/10/2010

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I'm so glad that your negative has turned into your greatest positive. What a blessing! :)

Now, I will answer some of your post as best I can, from my personal experience.

"But I read all these posts form such young mothers and wonder... where was the protection? Why are girls of such a young age that have had no time to grow themselves allowing men to use their bodies and then letting those men dump on them?"
In my case, the protection wasn't around. I didn't have easy access to it, I didn't go get it. Mostly, I was lazy and ashamed to go get the protection. You ask in a later post about why we have babies with men whom we don't know - I knew him. I had been with him, off and on, since I was 13. I was 18 when I got pregnant. I thought I knew him, anyway.

"I am aghast and appalled at how the world is becoming more over teen single moms."
I am not aghast, or appalled. Recently, my fiance's cousin had a baby. When she first found out she was pregnant, the entire family hit the roof simultaneously. And proceeded to talk trash about this girl, with me (a young single mom) in the room to listen. After a quiet conversation with my fiance and his mom, that stopped. So it's not 'the world', just most of it, LOL! Anyway, I digress. The world is desensitized. It's not scandalous anymore, it's simply what is. And I'm not sure that it's an all-good thing. I think it also depends on age. People, as a rule, are a lot less scandalized when a 17 or 18 year old is involved - because it's the age of majority in most states.

"My question is... If you let this boy impregnate you, why do you bitch about it? You are 50% the reason his child was brought into the world.

I mean no disrespect to any of the mothers, but as I learned long ago "You play, you pay."
These go hand-in-hand, so I'll do both at once. I'll tell you what I bitch: because he played, and he isn't forced to pay. I have a standing child support order that I had issued to me when my daughter (now 5) was 10 months old. He paid consistently, until I got an increase in the order. Then he suddenly had no job. His excuses range from 'no one's hiring' to 'I don't have transportation' to the outright stupid 'I don't want to work fast food'. Now, I know people are hiring, we have a functional and useful city bus system in our area, and I don't really care what yoU WANT, you NEED to work to help me support this child! I don't 'bitch', I vent about a system that is so very broken that he is, and never will be, forced into a job by the state who is supposedly advocating for my child. He and I are returning to court for a SECOND time this year - this is our sixth court date in all. It's unprecedented for one to serve jail time and then go right back to court 3 months later. Jail doesn't seem to scare him. So that's a big part of why I vent - he doesn't have any concept of responsibility. And before you assume that this was a stupid teenage fling, let me remind you of what I said earlier: he and I had been together most of our teenage years, in some capacity or another. When I got pregnant, he showed his true colors and bolted. We were engaged, we were planning a summer wedding - and then I got pregnant. And remember your own point: we are 50% of the reason. The other 50% lies with the man. Some of it is the sheer injustice of the fact that these 'men' get an option: they can turn and go, and very little can be done to get them to own up to their responsibilities. We, as the mommy, can give up this baby for adoption, and have other options, but be honest: even with your circumstance, would you have considered an adoption or an abortion? We feel the same way.

I got lucky. I found a great man who wants us both, and I'm marrying him next December. Not everyone gets that lucky. Bottom line is, we whine because we find solace and comfort in our 'sister moms', who have all gone through this before us, and sometimes we need the reality check of 'Put your big girl panties on and DEAL, honey - not that crucial!'

Joey - posted on 09/09/2010

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i totally agree, i am i single mother who have no support i wasn't rape or anything, i got drunk and i had sex with some random guy i was on the shot and we used a condom and i got pregant i have no clue who the dad is. i learned not all birth control is 100% so people who have a support system like a ex boyfreind or anything be thankful

Rose - posted on 09/09/2010

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First of all I need to admire you for keeping the baby, I don't know if I could of. I agree with your post. There is way too much complaining. As women we are making the decision to have the child not the man. I know if men had a choice 50% of the time they would terminate. Some women need to deal with their decisions and remember it wasn't a combined decision with the man. I have a teen boy and have been in the situation. The potential mother's parents took care of it. My son and I did not have a choice in this. I don't think this is fair.

Jennifer - posted on 09/09/2010

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This is a really strong conversation - all of you Mums have given me lots to think about. Thank you!

Jennifer - posted on 09/09/2010

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Ok, I completely agree with that one - Megan - I KNOW you don't want your child to grow up and be like his "sperm donor" - that is not a good role model. He is who he is, so lose him if that's not someone you can respect.

Meg - posted on 09/09/2010

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There are no guarantees of anything, even when you know the person you marry and/or have a baby with from the time you are children! I met my ex-husband when I was five years old - in church! And it wasn't until I was seven months pregnant and we'd been married almost two years that he decided it was "too stressful" to be a parent and ran off to Mexico so I couldn't collect child support! So yes, I was "paying"...but I never saw it coming. I did everything right and still got screwed. I guess that might be why even now, when my son is 32 years old, I have a lot of trust issues. And I've seen a lot of women find someone they think is "The One" and invest themselves fully, only to be left by the side of the road, alone and pregnant by these scumsucking men. What I want to know is, what is wrong with men?

Kim - posted on 09/09/2010

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I get it. My 5 year olds father was abusive and I have done the complete parenting solo. I mean completely. No welfare, no child support, no nothing, my family is not here etc. I neer once complained as I felt blessed to have a beautiful miraculous child. I found out I was pregnant with her 1 week after I broke up with him and 1 week after him slamming my head into a wall. I never once complained about him not being involved or helping.. I suppose becuase I was proud and I did not want him to be involved. Now I fell pregnant with another man 5 years later and we used protection and this was a accident. I wanted it to work so badly with him andd it didnt. I could explain it all but why. I still dont feel that he should be forced to help if he doesnt want to. It's his huge loss if he ddoesnt help out and be involved. I do ask for advice on how to go about this with him though as this is all new to me. I still am hurt personally by him and my heart is still healing so havinng some advice and support for this situation is what I want and that is it. Ask anyone who knows me I do not EVER ask for help and will never pput anyone out for my children. I had them I WILL CARE FOR THEM AND MOTHER THEM!!! It was my choice. Should the father help out absoluetley .. if he doesnt?? well, then we struggle more but we still do it and be that much more proud of overcoming obstacles.
I am a dam good mother and although I want to scream and yell about some things... all in all I know how blessed I truly am to have my babies. Look at how many mothers/parents would love too have a child.
I will still look for advice on here from time to time and I dont thinnk that makes me any less of a Mother than those who dont. I am finally for once asking for help.. for me that is a huge step forward ( I think ).

Bev - posted on 09/09/2010

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Megan, you did not say if you were married or not but sounds like you need to get the court to order support and visitation and limit his interaction with you. You do not have to put up with this kind of abuse but you need to do it legally. If you do not, there is not much you can do but move and not leave a forwarding address. I will say from experience of watching a dear friend divorce an idiot and treat the child stupidly that the child sees - he see that his mom is who takes care of him and who sees that he gets what he needs, financially and otherwise...and he sees that is father does nothing really....but he still, at this point wants to see his father and she makes sure he does....again, we women need to be careful who we share ourselves with - my ex husband wasn't father material and I have raised them both without his help....but it is sad since he is deceased that the kids will never know him....just don't 'bitch' in front of your child or it will backfire...good luck, dear

Diana - posted on 09/09/2010

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Then Megan... why bother with the 'sperm donor' at all? Why not just walk away and forget about him?

Megan - posted on 09/09/2010

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i for one do bitch about my son's sperm donor for a very good reason. i got pregnant when i was 21 and we were doing everything possible to have safe sex. i was on the pill and we still used a condom but for some reason i still got pregnant. now while i was pregnant i have some trouble and was put on bed rest. well the week that happened he quit his job and decided he didnt want to work. so i went back to work and worked a full time and a part time job. after i had my son he decided that he wanted me to work and he stay home with the baby. well i had a problem delivery and didnt get the go ahead to go back to work for 8 weeks. all this time he bitched b/c he didnt understand that i just couldnt go back to work so i took my son and left. we didnt hear from him for 10 months after that and now its a once a year type of thing. my son will be 4 in febuary and i have only seen about 1000 in child support and now my son's sperm donor has decided that he may never work but still expects to have a say in how i dress, care for, etc, my son. and he also dont like the sports i put him in all while not helping with anything. he feels as though (and yes has told me this) that since he does not see him that much that he shouldnt have to help with anything. and my son was a complete and total surprise.

Bev - posted on 09/09/2010

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Giving a child up for adoption is very responsible. Keeping one when the father wants the baby adopted is making a singular decision. The father is being responsible by wanting adoption. If they woman chooses to keep a baby knowing that the father wants no part then it is up to her to support and raise the child. At some point it must be realized that the female gets pregnant which means more responsibility. Most teens and most that complain were not using birth control or that is what they say. As to the child - mine see they father, who's rights were terminated but I never spoke poorly about as a good man who made poor choices. How a child views that other parent has a lot to do with what they are told. Read some of the posts - they don't want to let the father see the child unless they get money...that is not responsible - not even close....I would rather my children have been able to know their father, who is now dead, than him ever pay a dime. Again, if a female is going to have sex with a man who is not responsible she should not be surprised if he isn't daddy material and if a man chooses to have sex with a irresponsible woman he shouldn't be surprised when she doesn't care what he wants and aborts. I guess what I see is often there are two people who never intended or wanted to have a baby together who go to war over it and people should be more responsible in choosing their partners. Your sarcasm about women's rights is one of the reasons we still don't have equality because I think women are stronger than you do but they have to demonstrate it instead of playing the blame game. In the end we are the only ones responsible for our lives and our happiness. I am glad due to our efforts of 'lib' that women can now report rape without being quizzed about what they were wearing and that just because one is married does not give the spouse the right to rape and abuse them - it has not always been so....and with rights, comes responsibilities....I could go on about credit, property ownership etc - so much that has changed due to the 'lib' movement but you seem only interested in making the guy 'pay'....i wish you luck and am glad you enjoy the freedoms those of us worked so hard for...

Amanda - posted on 09/09/2010

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i think wat irritated me more about my situation is that even tho we were using birth control he walked away from me when i told him even tho he has a child from another woman that he see all the time.. he just gave up on me when i got pregnant

Billie - posted on 09/09/2010

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I said "wow" because when they had sex they both knew that the biological function of sex is to produce children and they both CHOSE to go right ahead and do it. They both knew there was a chance it could happen even WITH birth control. But when the girl comes up pregnant he shouldn't have to be responsible for the child he helped to create??? That deserves a wow. He had the same choice going in that she did, but when he doesn't feel like dealing with the natural consequences he should have the right to go on about his merry way. Women's lib is great, but having nothing to do with the woman or the man, TWO people CHOSE to lay down and engage in the act that created a child. TWO. Now if you're allowing one half of that to skip off with no responsibility that CHILD suffers, not just the woman. You stated that "no one wants to take responsibility for their actions". If the girl aborts or gives the child up she's not taking responsibility, but if she steps up and says she's going through with the pregnancy, the man should be given a free pass out of his responsibility? And that makes everything fair? Somehow I don't think that child is going to see it that way, but I forgot how liberated we are, so that's the mother's fault too. Nice. So much better than teaching consequences for actions to both sides.

Kim - posted on 09/09/2010

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Just need to chime in here. I do think men should be held accountable for children they produce, purposfully or accidentially. Birth control is not the sole responsibility of the woman. That being said, I got pregnant with a man I was not married to while on birth control. He wanted me to give her up for adoption. I chose to have my daughter so I let him chose his level of involvement. I told him he could sign over his parental rights and I would never ask him for child support. He refused, saying he wanted to be a dad. So I filed for support. He doesn't pay it and he isn't a dad. I don't complain about not getting moeny from him because I think that if a man is paying child support then he will feel obligated to see his child, even if it is not the best thing for them. I do get annoyed when women complain about how terrible, abusive, drug addicted, etc thier children's fathers are then complain that they are not around to help raise them, Why would you want a man like that around your child?
Not exactly sure what my point was, just to try to show that not all single moms are young, money hungry girls with major issues. Although Jessica your last post is extremely insensitive. forget about the sperm donor? that is the father of your child, and no matter how you feel about him he is a part of your child, and she will ask about him and want to feel connected to him and be loved by him.

Raynae - posted on 09/09/2010

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And I just want to say Thank You for posting this because I am also sick of women complaining about not getting child support or the guy not being around. Step up and be a mother! Forget about the sperm donor. Just be thankful for a beautiful child, and do your best in raising them. :)

Raynae - posted on 09/09/2010

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Diana I kind of feel the same way you do. I am a single mother of a 2 year old daughter, I do not bitch about my childs father not being around because I know he is a pos... I knew it before the pregnancy and I know it now. I want nothing from him, and hoping he never comes around. I feel that if I did bitch about him not being around it just sounds like I am not happy enough with it just being my daughter and I. I will live poor for the rest of my life and still be happy as long as my daughter is fed, living, and happy. And yep... she is MY daughter. I dont even think of him being her father, she is MY daughter! We are better off without him because I do not want her picking up any of his behaviors or morals. I love her too much, and I am way too righteous for him to ruin her. I made a stupid decision that I owned up to, but wouldn't change it for ANYTHING in the world!

Diana - posted on 09/09/2010

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Bev, I feel like you understand me. I keep reading "He got me pregnant and walked away".... you BOTH go you pregnant. So that is why I don't understand that bitching. If your man doesn't hold up to what you wanted him to be, then I guess you didn't know him well enough. If you don't want this to happen in the future, don't have the children that will carry his genes, or teach that child to be a better human!

Bev - posted on 09/09/2010

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Why is that 'wow'? I would not expect if I was not using birth control and barely knew a guy that he should pay me anything if he didn't choose to....men should have some choice and women/girls should understand THEY are the ones that get prenant and behave accordingly...I graduated high school in the 60s so don't say I don't understand - I understand hormones but I also understand responsibility...and if you have sex casually with someone you barely know why are you surprised when he doesn't want to be connected for life? I fought for women's rights and held office in National Organization of Women and it is time for women to quit acting so helpless....should a guy support his kid? sure. Should he if he would rather the child be adopted? not in my opinion.

Billie - posted on 09/09/2010

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"frankly I don't think guys should be forced to support a child when they barely knew the mom...there are options"
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Wow.

Bev - posted on 09/09/2010

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I am very sorry for what happened to you - been there. I did not get pregnant. I am a single mom I divorced my husband many years ago - He did no GET me pregnant nor did he MAKE me a single mom. He was not cut out for marriage or parenthood and that was my mistake for not figuring that out. I do not blame him or wish I had never met him (highly abusive) and did not see any support until he died - which was fine with me because his rights were terminated. What I regret is that my children never got to know the man I married not what he became....it would have been nice. My kids are teens and I seen teen pregnancies being celebrated by families and everyone blaming everyone....no one wants to take responsibility for their actions....frankly I don't think guys should be forced to support a child when they barely knew the mom...there are options....I doubt I will be any more popular than you are.....btw, my kids are 17 and 18 and I will be 61 next week.....{{{hugs}}}

Amanda - posted on 09/08/2010

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I know ive complained on here once.. but then again i was also using protection.. so my pregnancy was completely an accident.. i kept my baby because i dont agree with abortion and i couldnt think of anyone else raising her.. she was mine..

Kim - posted on 09/07/2010

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It's human nature to assume or judge. We all do it ( I am the same way). I think it was brave of yu to post a comment like that on here with all these women ha ha ( Cat fight sounds). Everyones situation is unique but has many things in common so complaining here is better than complaining in our own heads and going insane ha ha. I complain but truly am thankful for having the father be involved and paying child support. I have much to be thankful for but I still need a place to vent and ask for advice as many women are in a similar situation and can offer a shoulder, advice and humor to a less than favourable situation.
We all could use that from time to time.... what would I do if I couldnt complain? If I had no one to support me? ahhh, thank god for the computer eh ha ha.

Diana - posted on 09/07/2010

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That's exactly why I posted, I AM trying to understand. I thank you for your post as it gave me a little more retrospect into the lives of those less fortunate. Being that I have not ever been on welfare, I have never been abused, and I have never longed for much, although I have had two full time jobs sine I was 16 and I am raising my son on my own, I don't get the chance to experience much like those of others.

Billie - posted on 09/07/2010

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What makes you think they're playing? When a young girl has a baby with a man who cares nothing for her and it's obvious that he doesn't care that's a self esteem issue mama. For the brief moment that they're with these little boys they feel like they're loved. Sometimes it's for the very first time in their lives. Sometimes the boyfriends asks them to have the baby just to have a permanent hold on the girl and then breezes on about his life when things get too serious because now there's a baby. Where are the parents of these young girls to teach them different? That's who deserves your anger. You said you were "raised to respect" your body. What about all those less fortunate girls who weren't taught the same thing? You can't imagine it or understand it because you were raised better than that. Not everyone was. I take no disrespect from your comment because I'm grown. I was grown when I decided to have my son. Problems and all I knew what I was doing. But I can relate to what caused some of these girls to make poor decisions with their bodies because for most of my formative years I had terrible self esteem issues that started with an abusive father. I did a lot of dumb things because I CRAVED love from a male. I just happened to have a kick ass mom to balance me out. Just try to have a little understanding is all I'm saying.

Kim - posted on 09/07/2010

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Wow that's not fair!! Come walk in one of the lady's shoes for a month and then do not vent about it. Do not look for support and guidance and a place where you can bitch.
Just because we may have chose a path that was not the path you would have chose does not make us less of a person than you are. It's okay to not like your current situation and it's okay to talk about it and be real. This is reality, not some sugar coated world of only beauty. Go ahead and vent ladies, search for advice.
I don't expect you to understand unless you have actually been there. I will say this.. I was in a fire when I was about 9 years old. I burnt 38% of my body. Can I complain and bitch about it? Can I vent about it? Wil you judge me for whining about my scars? Would you ever in a million years be able to understand what it is that I went through and still go through?? NO you would never be able to understand the pain, the trauma.. you may say something silly like " I can imagine" You would never even be able to imagine what you would do, act like, become until it has actually happened to you. We all like to think we would do better than the next person if we were in the same shoes.. reality is.. we have no idea until we have lived it. It's okay for you to not agree with us or like it but not okay to pass judgment.. make sense?

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2010

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Ok I understand venting we all do it. I just took it wrong I guess because even though they all seem very similar every single mom is in the situation for a different reason. I think you can bitch if you want to its how you get it off your chest and for me it helps to have someone to listen to you when you just want to scream because of something the father has or hasn't done. I did put myself in the situation to get pregnante my son was 100% planed however, a divorce was not part of my plan. However I'm doing just fine without the father, but somedays, just need to vent/bitch because he never ask about his son or anything.

Diana - posted on 09/07/2010

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I'm not judging, I'm venting. I in no way, singled out any particular person. I just sat here reading the same, or what seemed to be the same, post by several different young unwed moms. It just seems to be an epidemic in my mind. I have the same issues about child support and dead beat dad, but i can't bitch about it because I put myself in this place I am.

Kimberly - posted on 09/07/2010

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I can understand what you're saying. I knew what I was getting into when I was pregnant. Some people don't see what they're getting into, only see things when it's too late. That unfortunately is a problem with youth. Hindsight is 20/20 while Foresight is not.

Diana - posted on 09/07/2010

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My very last statement says, I mean no disrespect to any of the mothers, but as I learned long ago "You play, you pay.".... If you play, why the bitching? I am just trying to understand I guess. I was raised to respect my body. But I also did things that were of no saint. I started having sex at the age of 14, regularly but I always made sure I was protected as to not get pregnant. I was taught in high school in health class how and why, I just don't understand the need for young women to want a baby with a man that they hardly know and then bitch about it.

Billie - posted on 09/07/2010

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I get where you're coming from Diana and I don't necessarily disagree with you that some of these young women should have thought more carefully before having unprotected sex. That said...there are any number of reasons people make the choices they do. Lack of support at home or maybe even abuse at home that caused some of those very same young ladies to have low enough self esteem that they would allow themselves to be in unhealthy relationships. You never know another person's journey until you've had to walk in their shoes even if you have similar circumstances. For instance you say you were raped and that's how you became a single mother. A horrible experience that other women have been through. Their story is not yours and they should not judge you for your experience anymore than you should judge others for theirs. Be thankful for the blessings you've received and share the wealth of your experience with others, but don't forget your life could have taken a different path and avoid passing judgement about the women in this forum who come here for support and to learn how to do the best they can for their children.

Diana - posted on 09/07/2010

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I guess I wasn't direct enough. I did not explain the single mothers that don't know the dad long enough to even know that they would want a child with this man. I feel that there are so many young women out there that are having babies thinking they can snag the man, which in reality it only drives them further away.

Anika - posted on 09/07/2010

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I can say for myself, yes I bitch because the fathers of my children are of the most extreme cases of assholes, and it is never-ending so YES I complain when things get to be too much in that department. otherwise no, I don't complain but I don't think it's anyone's place either to post something like you have. you are not in our situation, everyone's situation is different so you asking us why we bitch really is none of your business. I've personally owned up to my part in getting pregnant, I accept my half of the blame and I care for my kids the way they should be, BUT, I also should not have to endure the hostile, abusive treatment I've been through the past few years, so yes, I get upset about it. I vent and then I'm done with it and I carry on with my duties as a mother. if someone is offended by another person's venting post, then don't read it. this is a place for people to come vent and receive support. I will never ask someone why they bitch because I know EXACTLY how they feel.

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