I need advice from single moms regarding visitations from the father.....

Amber - posted on 06/11/2012

As soon as you get the courts involved, they stand up for BOTH of your rights. If you don't need the money, keep it OUT of court. It will be a worse situation when they force you to let him take your son... UNLESS you can prove it is unsafe. The best way to do that is to get a restraining order.

But YES... DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Report EVERYTHING. If you skip one little thing, the courts will assume you're not really scared for you or your child. That can easily be held against you.

The best thing is to get legal counsel. There are lots of ways to get free legal advice. I can help with this if you decide to take that route.

I was just through this all last year. I was my own attorney throughout the whole thing and impressed many of the trained attorneys that helped me along the way with what I was able to accomplish myself. Each state is different, so be sure to check with an actual family law professional before making any moves.

--
Amber Rose Gallagher
Catalyst & Coach for Spiritual, Single Moms
312.805.3080

Need a break? Come rejuvinate with us in Mexico!
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Danielle - posted on 06/10/2012

What's an update on this scenario? I would hope a GAL was involved.

Christie - posted on 06/23/2011

Lots of good advice. You will have to face this since he is the legal father and your son does belong to him, technically. Plus, you do want your son to have a relationship with his dad ~ and figure out things on his own about him. Obviously it is not a good home environment, but if you have no proof, you can go by history. Make sure you try to write out everything that has transpired, including his older son's testimony. You may have to give your son up for short visits initially, but you can begin documenting those as well, and go back to court to prove that they are not healthy if needed. You should be recieving child support, even if dad is not involved. And you should be able to get full custody given the history of dad's absence and lack of participation either physically or financially. Start with little things, but begin to get legal papers as those will serve you down the road. Right now you don't want your son there ~ but there is not legal documents either way. Begin the process, even if it is not ideal at first, you can continue to document and challenge over time. The good news is that his older son is aware, and perhaps would even look out for your son some ~

Jody - posted on 05/19/2011

Supervised visits only! get to court get full custody and set that up. Sounds like a very unstable home. Unfortunately that is his father, but you do not have to subject him to anything that won't be supervised. This will ensure the civil behaviour around your son. And don't lift it until, you feel they have proven themselves capable of behaving in a mature and appropriate manor. In time you will see that they will not survive together either. If they don't end up killing each other. Right now I think that you are a threat to the girlfriend because he makes it that way.He playing head games, with her. She knows that you will always be in the picure becasue of your child. That means she can't have him all to herself. It may take time, for her to realize that you don't want him back. Hopefully in the future when she can overcome this feeling, things will mellow out and you may even start talking on a more civil level. That has been known to happen a lot. Good luck.

Carey - posted on 03/30/2011

if you tape record the conversations but dont tell him on tape at the beginning of the conversation and give him a chance to hang up or offer his non-consent, you may be in violation of the law. I would definitely get a lawyer's take on this. I know it is expensive, my divorce isnt even over, and it has cost me over 7 grand, but get a lawyer or go to a women's shelter and see if they can help you by referring you to a lwayer who can help at low cost. I had to borrow money from people i knew just to hire mine. DO NOT tape him, with the intent of using it in court, without his permission unless your lawyer or the police give you permission to do this as i believe recording someone's voice without their permission is illegal in many states. let his calls go to voicemail. there they have consented by leaving a message on voicemail to having their voice recorded.

Reema - posted on 01/25/2011

Ok lady, as much as tough it sounds, i think u should stay away from you Ex and his whoever and everythg to do with him,,,, esp since he's not even contributing in anyway, let alone be a stable, sensible role model or even who could take over the responsibility and let you have some me time, thinking that hes with his father and you could relax... Long story short, get a lawyer if you have to, move if you have to, get everythg in black and white and wait till your son is ten.. and then he can decide if he wants to ever know who his father was... but your are better off without him... and so his ur child... from what you have said, noone has benefitted from your Ex and i dont see how you will... Its very hard but trust me its peaceful that way... and we all get used to it... our Happiness lies in our childs well being and as long as that is there, we are happy and secure... Gd Luck and Take care..

Julie - posted on 01/24/2011

How about a lawyer.. You just need to find the right one though.

Holly - posted on 01/24/2011

My sons are now 15 & 16, and eventhough they are old enough to let me know what is going on, I am very apprehensive about them going to their father's house. My best advice to you, is go through the Guardian Ad Litum program, they will assign someone that is neutral and only speaks for your child. I have been through the courts too many times to count with my boys father, and it has been a very stressful situation for all involved. I am the mom and the dad to my boys and I wouldn't have it any other way! Good luck!

Wanda - posted on 01/24/2011

I would settle it in the court system. They will listen to your concerns. You can also make a demand that he not have your child around girlfriends. When I was with my ex, I was never allowed around his other daughter because we were not married. It was part of the visitation agreement that the child not be around the parent's significant others unless they were married. Also, GET THAT CHILD SUPPORT. If he is not willingly trying to help you, then get it legally. Also, I would advise you not to let your child go into a violent household. Its just not worth the risk.

Christina - posted on 01/24/2011

Request temporary restricted visitation if you need to. And request that all drop offs and pick ups are recorded. Explain that you want your son to have a healthy relationship with his dad and are just concerned with his welfare. Some states will do a 2mnth temp restricted visitation order and will allow it to be recorded to show good intent on the part of the dad.

Maite - posted on 01/24/2011

It's been so confusing. Everyone time I go get information from the courts or even the officer in charge of my case I get different information. No one can reassure me that he will not take my son overnight or even every other weekend. That's what's kept me from proceeding with the courts. All I have at this point is a police report where he threatened to kill me. I have nothing on the girl; I should've recorded conversations but didn't and at this point I don't see how I'll be able to since I haven't had any words with him since November. The last time was a few weeks ago when the girl refused to pass him the phone to speak with our son. I'm petrified that the courts will not support my concerns and end up giving him his rights as a father. If it was about money I wouldn't care. I do not care about the money! I've tried getting information from so many different people and I've been told sooooo many different things that I don't want to just go through with the courts and then hate myself for doing it. I've been told that judges are now believing that fathers should have the same rights as the mother. This makes no sense to me! As if he's been there when I've had to go to the emergency alone with my son; or as if he even worries about whether my son ate or didn't eat. Several months ago my son had strep throat and a very high fever. My son's father had changed his number and I had no way of contacting him to tell him our son was very sick. He hadn't bothered to call me and give me his number. I feel like disappearing with my son to China.

Indrani - posted on 01/23/2011

I would go to court and ask them to look into this living situation with his father since there are a lot of fights. Your son should not witness these kinds of behaviors.

Christina - posted on 01/23/2011

You need to file a restraining order against them because of the violent messages and threats. SAVE EVERYTHING and have your son's grandmother testify on your behalf. Once that is done, file for restricted visitation. That allows dad to see his son every other weekend on a scheduled day (My ex is allowed every 1st, 3rd, and 5th Sunday from noon til 6pm) under YOUR supervision or under the supervision of someone else you appoint to watch the visit.

Terri-Lynn - posted on 01/23/2011

I would suggest that you obtain a child advocate from the court. This advocate will do what is in the best interest of your child regardless of any emotional feelings. He/She is there for the sole purpose of protecting the child's interest. He/She will investigate both households, speak with family, friends and anyone she deems necessary and then make her recommendations to the courts. You need to file the papers for child support and let the courts deal with chasing after the money. If they say he has to pay and he continues not to, they will go as far as to freeze his bank accounts and take his license away. Yes, it is heartwrenching when your son wants to speak to or see his father, but you are doin the right thing keeping him protected from going with a father that you are unsure will keep him safe. The safety of your child must always be number one and the fact that you do let his father see him at the grandmother's house is showing your effort to still keep him involved in his son's life with still protecting your son. Keep strong.

Treva - posted on 01/23/2011

Oh my goodness! Trust your instincts. It sounds like you have more than enough reasons not to leave your son with him! Maybe eventually you can let the father visit your son with your ex-mother in law, since you do trust her, you can let your son stay overnight with her. That's great you have someone on his side of the family so your son will know both sides of where he comes from.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2011

Yes what everyone is saying is true! You CAN and SHould make sure you documant everything and you CAN use that to make sure he ONLY has supervised visits. What information you got from that lawyer was so way off. One of my parent works for the state and they would never put a child in that situaion if you have documantation about what he/they have done. It may mean even meeting somewhere to let him see the child or what have but if he really wants to be part of your childs life he will grow up for those visits if at all. If not then it will show through and he will end up losing his rights and in the end and in time his childs respect. Please never take anything like this lightly or something may happen where you are saying "I should have listened to my heart and gut! Good luck. It's not easy to deal with but it will be if you take all the steps you need to. :)

Stephanie - posted on 01/22/2011

I think you might want to contact social services about child support payments (they will garnish his wages and handle filing the order for back payments free to you) and go to social services about the potential for abuse from this man to you and your child. You might want to take out a restraining order. Also, tape any phone calls (you can get a recorder at Radio Shack?) and keep emails. Then, when you do take him to court to gain "full physical and legal custody", you will have the 1. lack of child support, 2. restraining order, 3. threatening recordings as your "proof" of inappropriate parenting. To "compromise" (and the courts LOVE it when you do this), suggest that your ex go to parenting classes (ha! don't hold your breath he'll even do that), and that you use a court-appointed child specialist/advocate to supervise his visits with his son. Always stress the welfare of your son as the PRIMARY concern, not your anger with your Ex. The fact that your ex hasn't paid any support to you at all puts him in a VERY bad position in court. Good luck and god bless you, and if you do win the case, I would high tail it out of whatever town/state he is living in (and get your mom to go with you). Live with/nearby family who can look out for you and your child. Make sure you TELL all teachers and coaches, etc., that your son is NEVER to go with this man (show picture) anywhere without you there.

Tracey - posted on 01/21/2011

Write down everything and go to a lawyer and get full custody and listen ur ur ex mom n law she know ur x as much as u do but a lil better... just stop talking to ur son about his dad and adventually it will just plan stop.. if ur son wants to see him make something up and call the cops to the x's house and dont let ur son stay over nite ask him to go to the park or what not keep it in public if ur son wants to see him NO OVERNITE STAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maite - posted on 01/21/2011

Thanks, ladies! This has been hell for me.

Crystal - posted on 01/21/2011

I know where you are coming from. My ex and i have been separated since my son was 3months old, he is now almost 2. He was violent with me and I feared having him overnights, I ended up putting a restraining order on him because we were still "involved" even when he had a new girl and he threatened to kill me if I told anyone. He was trying to be a cop so I knew he had a gun and ammo, but putting a temp order on him only allowed him to have my son for a few hours during the day. Since the courts didnt see there was harm towards our son they now allow him overnights. So my son stays with my ex's gf more than my ex. I am soon putting a civil restraining order on both of them for the emotional abuse and the mental abuse they cause when I go pick up my son. They call me crazy and that I am beyond help. They are trying everything in their power to get my son taken from me so I am trying to beat them to that punch. If you realized its never the BD its always the new woman who is trying to play "mommy" with your child. Its sad really. DEFINITELY put an order on both of him. For her saying she cant be near your child and for him that if he has him there has to supervised visits. Its the best thing so you know your child does not get hurt. Good Luck!!!

Jessica - posted on 01/21/2011

oh wow. don't let him go. if he wants visitation he would have to take you to court over it. i am sure the judge would not grant visitations based on what you say and probably only agree to supervised visitations. i would let things go the way they are going now and don't talk to him anymore. if he really wants to see him he can set something up with your or his mom and his or your mom can call you and they can have it at their house. his environment does not sound very good. it sound scary. i don't know what this lawyer is talking about!!! in my state, if you are not married a woman automatically has all rights to her son and if the guy wants visitation or rights they have to go to court. if they can't agree on rights, the woman retains all rights until the father takes he back to court and tries to prove she is an unfit mother. it is a long, lengthy, expensive process that he would be responsible for. the most he would get is every other weekend visitations. it just sounds like some very bad drama! but what ever happens i hope your son never gets exposed to that toxic environment that your ex lives in! maybe get a restraining order on the girlfriend? that might help things!

Maite - posted on 01/21/2011

I went to a consultation with a lawyer quite a few months ago. She did not reassure me anything! It was so disappointing. She basically told me that now a days a father has equal rights as the mom and they may very well give him his rights! I did a police report on him when he threatened to kill me. I've never done one on her; I'm definitely going to. I desperately want to go to court with this issue but my fear is that I'll be forced to give him my baby every other weekend and overnight. That would destroy me! ='(

Cathy - posted on 01/21/2011

I would definately not let my baby go. Not into such an environment. He has threatened to kill you, he gets into violent arguments with his girlfriend...that isn't a positive roll-model for your son. He can clearly not have unsupervised visits. But like the others say, document everything! Go to court if you have!

Kelly - posted on 01/20/2011

i agree with Ashley - you must document everything - i have been somewhat in your shoes, only the dad was abusive too, the next time she threatens you, hang up immediately and call the sherriff's office and ask them to log your complaint, even if the police do not intervene, they can and will log a complaint of a threat, make sure you tell them this isn't the first time she/he's threatened but the first time you've called because you don't know what else to do. you can also call your area crime victim's services for assistance / guidance on how to handle the threats as well, and they may help you get a restraining order if warrented. By all means please do not take these threats lightly, i did, and was almost run over by a car, and had to retrieve my children from child services after there was a domestic dispute between him and his new woman. be careful, be safe, document document document, i cannot begin to tell you how important it is for you and your child's well being. if you have a log, date/ time/ place, etc...it can be admissable in court right along with police logs / police records

Ashley - posted on 01/20/2011

If I were you I would save up for a good lawyer. Not to mention DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! Everytime he or you calls you write down from what number, what time and EVERYTHING that was said between all callers. I see this getting uglier before it gets better. (Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear) I would collect as much as possible and go for a consultation with a lawyer.