i need advice on babys fathers family!

Kayla - posted on 05/23/2010 ( 64 moms have responded )

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i need someone to talk to about all of this! My daughters dad ran out on me when i was 2 months preg and wants nothing to do with us! but his mom wants to be apart of her life but shes not trying.. i dont think she means to but she makes me feel guilty for not bringing my daughter around but she never calls to ask if she can see her! she blames it on my new b/f but i feel its all excuses! im hurt! but so confused!

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Billie - posted on 05/24/2010

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Call her. She may be feeling uncomfortable about reaching out to you because of the situation between you and her son. Think about it...it must be embarassing to know her son is a deadbeat. You be the bigger woman for your child's sake and don't take it personal. Pick up the phone and call. Invite her to all of the events you plan for your little girl. You put all that out there and she still doesn't respond, then your conscience is clear and she's got no one to blame but herself. Best case scenario is if she feels welcome, she'll be a positive addition to your support system and most importantly to your little girl's life. Best of luck hon.

Mandie - posted on 05/26/2010

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Do not feel guilty ! you r being caught up in games! If she truly wanted to see her she would call. also on that not be upfront with her and tell her "I know my daughters side of the family is important as well as mine.I want her to know both(if u do) . but I want it to be a steady stable thing. so lets pick a steady day and time when u and I am available to have grandma time each week " I was in the same situation and it sucked . But once I let her know i did want her in the picture and laid the ground rules not only did the arguing stop but the kids looked forward to the days they knew where going to be with their grandma

Patricia - posted on 05/25/2010

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I'm going threw that same situation right now and i just decided to shut them out of my life. My kids aren't worried about them and they don't need some one thats going to let them down when they really plan on seeing them the most.

Rebecca - posted on 05/24/2010

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Maybe invite her along to special things you do - like the zoo, the park etc. It's her choice to come along or not. Ultimately if she wants to be involved it takes action on her part. All you can do is provide an opening...

Bonnie - posted on 05/23/2010

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let her know that if she wants to be in her granddaughters life it takes action! you dont always have to bring her to her grandma. my children never met their grandparents on their father's side. they know of them....its on them if they chose to be in their life or not...i dont feel guilty and neither should you!

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Carmen - posted on 06/14/2010

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Dont feel bad what u can do is try it bring the baby for a visit at least once a month and see if she also tries. If she comments let her know that she needs to let you know when she wants to see her, you dont want to impose but u need to know when she wants to see her but in reality they are suppose to reach out not the other way around and dont let them make u feel like its ur fault. He left you and if they want to be a part of her life they need to reach out. I have a similiar situation and they just need someone to blame but they dont see that he was the one that walked out. Its just their excuse to blame you.

Emily - posted on 06/09/2010

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I would just suggest that you stop making the effort and putting yourself out. You already do so much as a mother that you don't need the added stress of dealing with someones family who isn't even around. The father of my 10 month old son is never around and the first time he even met his son was when he was 3 months old, his mother came and I told her then that if she wanted to ever see my son all she had to do was call, but that I was not going to go out of my way until I knew they were going to be around. The father still has never stepped up, but his mother watches my son every other saturday and she adores my son! If they really want to be there nothing would be able to stop them!

Melissa - posted on 06/06/2010

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im in the same situation and all i do is leave it to them to call me to arrange to c the kids they know the phone number and if they dont use it then tats there problem if they do then i let the kids talk so the ball is in there court

Lorelei - posted on 06/06/2010

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i agree with Bonnie, actions speak louder than words shes got to make the effort to get the rewards of time spent with her grandchild

Caroline - posted on 06/06/2010

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If her grandma wan't to be part of ur daughter life then she needs to step to u like a woman who want's to be part of her life. Call u and find out how she's doing things like that. But don't feel guilty for nothing. Your daughter safty is your main concern, Everything come second. Take care of your daughter and be the best mom that you can.

Stacey - posted on 06/06/2010

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It's time that you talk to her. I think it's great that she wants to be a part of your daughter's life, but tell her that she has to contribute to this as well. Tell her that she is welcome to call and that she needs to let you know when it's a good time for a visit. Encourage the relationship as much as possible because it is an important relationship. My son's father left while I was giving birth (9 years ago). His parents visited my son shortly after his birth and only 3 times since then. I send a letter and pictures twice per year (July and December - for his birthday and Christmas), and they send birthday cards, Christmas cards, Easter cards, etc and usually a small gift card as well. I'm trying to do what's best for my son, and I don't want to lose this small contact (since he has no contact with his father). I finally decided that if they wanted to see him, they could call and ask -- instead of it always being me. Good luck to you.

Joanne - posted on 06/06/2010

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i am almost in the same situation, my ex left me when I was 4 mths pregnant for another woman - not wanting anything to do with my baby (comes in and out when its suitable for him!).
Just be sure in your own mind that you have done all you can for your child so that in 15 yrs time they cannot say you haven't tried.... It shocks me just thining about how men can go around and make all these babies and not have any quilt about what they are doing!
Your child is better off without the extra complications.
Hope all goes well for.

Rachille - posted on 06/06/2010

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If your daughters grandmother is someone who makes you feel guilty I would write her a letter and tell her that she should let you know when and how often she would like to see her granddaughter. Tell her that you are happy for then to have a relationship until your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind. However you are not her family and therefore do not need to go out of your way to build their relationship. Good luck and remember that you never walked out and therefore you are an unreal mother and the best one to make the decisions for your daughter at this stage in her life.

George - posted on 06/06/2010

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My ex's parents are really involved in my sons life, even for the 3 years he wasn't. It took hard work as they didn't want to interfere with my life so didn't 'ask' to see him but waited to be asked.

After a discussion about it, it was purely because they didn't feel they had the right to ask to see him after thier son had ditched me. Even now they are still very cautious about asking to see him, they often make suggestions with the disclaimer of 'its ok if you can't...'

Why not set up a regular thing with them I had them come over every fortnight, either to babysit or to go out with my son. Which mean they knew when they were going to see him and didn't have to worry about it.

Its all changed now as I've moved up north and its a little longer between visits, but he loves seeing his grandparents and I'm soo glad that he has a positive male role model in his life (granddad!) plus they have taken on my 2nd child as thier own granddaughter (even though she's not) without question.

Just hang in there and try to talk to her, your daughter will really appreciate it in the long run.

Lana - posted on 06/05/2010

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Tell her that you'll put forth some effort,but she also needs to also. Some times it's hard on the ex's family because they feel that they are butting into your life.

Meghan - posted on 06/05/2010

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I"m in EXACTLY the same situation and my son is now 2 years old. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but I figure if his family wants a part of ,u child's life they need to show passion for that cause. It's not my job to create opprotunites for them to do what they already want to do (supposedly.) Everytime they ask me to see him I go and that's fine but I always push for a schedule. It wouldn't be so frustrating if it was an arrangedvisit once a month or every other month. That way it's on the calander, no excuses.

Geneen - posted on 06/05/2010

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Family is important on both sides if the grandmother wants to be apart of the baby's life let her. If it to difficult for you to take the baby to her then arrange for her to pick up and drop off in that way you don't have to bump into anyone you don't want to see. Let her know that the channel is open if she wants but at the same time don't get bent out of shape over it.

Allison - posted on 06/05/2010

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It's important for your daughter to know her family. As long as abuse isn't a factor, she and her grandmother and and hopefully her father at some point will form their own relationship. Think of any step you take to help that along is for your daughter and not for them.

Shelly - posted on 06/05/2010

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Given the circumstances, his mother might not be comfortable making the phone call to say she wants to see your daughter. Maybe making a set day that you go see her, or she comes to you would be beneficial. Like making arrangements for every other week or something, that way its a standing invitation and no one has to make the phone call to initiate it??

Kimberly - posted on 06/04/2010

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I think that if she wants to be in your baby's life, nothing will stop her from doing so. She will come when you are available, drive to see her grandchild and call to check on her. I firmly believe that words need to match actions, if not, I dont allow people's negative energy to affect myself or my girls.

Tu - posted on 06/04/2010

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I'm in same boat. If she really keen she will take action. So long as she knows she has free access you don't need to feel guilty

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2010

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Hi my situation is similar, but the grand mother (his mother) was all in love with her grand daughter as she was so beautiful from birth when we broke up and he started dealing with and get 2 children from this other relationship she first started to neglect her but that did not last 2 long as she realise that what he use to tell her was very far from the truth, she now have no contact at all with the 2 younger ones and call for my daughter on a regular basis but my daughter no longer want to have that much to do with them , so if his family do that now they may regret it later on.And I find that quite a few mothers with sons tend to side with their sons to the detrement of the children when a relationship ends ,

Lungile - posted on 06/04/2010

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Its just so sad to see how many woman are left pregnant and alone. It seems we all have the same story to tell. Ladies at the end of the day we won the greatest prize. these losers and thier parents arent worth it. What kind of parent doesnt guide her son/children? Would you not be on your sons back about how he needs to be responsible for his actions by being there for his kids no matter what? i would and i will if my son is ever in this situation!

Lungile - posted on 06/04/2010

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You need to put your foot down with her! If she wants to be a part of her grandaughters life then she should make the effort,bearing in mind that her son is the cause for the issues. Your new b/f is none of her business and its ok to tell her that as well. Some people are just hell bent on making other people miserable like they are. It sounds like you feel guilty,dont!! the only person you are indebted to is your child!!

Xadani - posted on 06/04/2010

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I'll tell you what I did & hope it helps!
My baby's father ran out in the 6th. month of preagnancy, his mom didn't know a thing, so when my daughter was around 2 months old I showed up in her office & said: This is Your grandaughter, you & her have a right & I won't take that away, however it's your choice if you wanna be involved, if not, she has plenty of people who do!, I don't care about your son, this is about my daughter & her grandma!
She accepted & calls once in a while to check up, she has seen her a couple of times & has given her maybe 3 gifts none over 10 dolars. I've asked for nothing & expect nothing, so I don't beat myself over it. In the future my child will know I was never a barrier, It was her who decided how she would relate to her. SO... let her be!, don't ask for anything, let her know, If she wants to, she knows where to find you, if not, it's her lost!

June - posted on 06/04/2010

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I sympathize with you girl. My child's father walked out on us as soon as I told him I was pregnant and neither him or any of his family has made an effort to get in touch with us or even to see my baby, who's now 3 years old. It's gonne be a bit hard, but you need to stop feeling guilty. You are there for your baby, they are not. If she really wants to see her grand-kid, she would make the effort. Your current relationship is none of their business, your daughter is. If you will be open, time will heal your wounds. Understand that she's trying to manipulate and spite you, and you don't have to give in to the pressure. I repeat, her grandchild is her concern not your relationship. So tell her whenever she's ready your door is open for her to bond with your daughter.

Sarah - posted on 06/03/2010

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I was in the same situation. To make it easier we chose one day a week for her Granma to take her for the day. But it doesnt have to be once a week it can be whatever can be arranged. But I found that having a routine and plan for them to see each other has really worked out.
My daughter now looks forward to every Tuesday and waits by the door for her to come.
Only way to sort a problem is to talk to the ones involved and come to an agreement.
I would just say though. For me it was in or out. Because at first she kept changing days all the time and it was really messing my daughter about, gettign her hope up and then disappointed. But thankfully for me and my daughter it has all worked out, hope this has helped.

Jacquee' - posted on 06/03/2010

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Wow! This sounds like my situation. I actually broke it off at 2 months with the hopes that we could raise our daughter like two civilized adults and that proved to be wishful thinking on my part as he has never asked to see my daughter, but his family - his brother and his father want to see her but make no effort.

My daughter is a beautiful gift from God! She is smart, intelligent and make me and my family proud ever day that she is here. I keep a photo box of her pictures and I know one day they will drum up the nerve to ask me to see her. This way, all the memories are still there. But I am not loosing any sleep over them not making contact with me. I'm too busy keeping up with her and living my life.

Be strong and I am always an email away if you need to vent or talk some more.

JW in NC

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I think whether or not you should call her depends on how much effort you've put into the relationship up to this point. In my situation, my kids' father's mom kept saying she wanted to see them so I made every effort to allow her to... I encouraged her to call, brought her pictures, etc. I feel like it's up to her to make that connection, I'm not going to force anyone to have a relationship with my kids. I do have to say, though, when she didn't at least send a card to the kids on their birthday, I was done trying at all.

Paula - posted on 06/03/2010

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I think for your daughter's sake, just call her. She's most probably feeling guilty. with my daughter I always leave that door open so that she can some sort of access to her father's side of the family, even if it's not to him. It's not her fault that she's here in this world so I try to make it as normal as possible and not a bitter experience of life. I take my daughter to visit her grandparents and they are grateful for just a few days, I also send them photos every year. She's 9 now. I don't regret it and she knows not only my side of her genetic makeup but also her father's side.

Alisha - posted on 06/02/2010

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Oh yea and tell her you would like her to ask you and let you know when she would like to see her, some people don't understand the other side of something so can only understand what they are thinking/feeling.

Alisha - posted on 06/02/2010

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Ask her if she wants to set up a set day once or twice a month where you go over there, that way you won't have to wait around for her call. It's not right of her to accuse your boyfriend if she only asks when she's blaming you for not coming over! I think it could be great for your daughter to have a relationship with them so don't give up!

Donna - posted on 06/02/2010

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my sons "father" left when i was 9 months preg,,i know his mom was so embarssed by what he did,,his brother came around until he moved,,i contastly craved his mothers attention to my son..at first it was just ok then she just never called or came by..i fought so hard to make her a part of his life,,im over that now...but if she is willing to see her, thats great ..sit down tell her how you feel and tell her she is welcome,set up some dates to meet,maybe she feels she is intruding that you have a boyfreind and just expressing herself wrong,,,give a try,,i may work out,,if not you cant force it,,,good luck..give a update,,

Brittany - posted on 06/02/2010

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Well it is the same thing with me i told her grandma that if i am in town and i have time i will talk her to see her but i do not go out of my way and it is her lost and she gets mad but i just dont have time for her problems

Elissa - posted on 06/02/2010

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Dont bother being hurt. She can make the effort....obviously the apple doesnt fall far from the tree in that family. She is obviously as immature as her son that left you.

Judy - posted on 06/02/2010

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Move past the dad and talk to the Grandma. If she is kind and loves your daughter you should allow them to get to know each other. Life is to short and children need all the love that is being handed out., especiallt that of a grandma. Good Luck with whatever choice you make

Nycole - posted on 06/02/2010

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My daughters paternal grandmother started the same way, I told her she needs to make an effort if she wants me to make an effort to keep her informed. She started texting and calling to see how she was doing. Asking what milestones she was hitting. She's actually more involved than her father and her father says he wants to be in her life. Since she is putting an effort to it, I started sending her pictures at least twice a week, and have promised to let her know when she is sick.

So maybe just sit down and talk to her, maybe she doesn't know how to start

Lacee - posted on 06/01/2010

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Personally, I was in the same situation. My daughters dad left me at 1 month pregnant and came for her birth. His mom just emailed me after...5 months and shes only seen my baby once. Im not going to try with his family. If they want to see her, they can come to me to see her...im not going out of my way so my baby can be put down some more. :)

Nicola - posted on 06/01/2010

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i want my kids to know there dads family but i aint getting any were his kids are aged 18 months and 2 months the only promblem is that he never has seen his son kyle at all and his daughter alicia knows who her dad is but he dunt seem botherd cause his mum wont let him any were near them cause she dunt think there is kids an never has got on with me so im asking people for advise

Pulane - posted on 05/30/2010

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Hell no girl you don't owe them anuthing if she wants to have a relationship wihh her grand-daughter she has to make the efforts to see her and don't be confused my sister some mom can be mean period. Focus on giving your baby the love she needs...

Stephanie - posted on 05/30/2010

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Kayla,
Sorry you are going through all of this. It can be so hard to deal with the other side of the family at times. I would try being honest with her in the nicest way possible. My children's grandmother (their dad's mom) makes very little effort to come see them, but if asked will help quite a bit. I know you should not have to ask, but sometimes they don't know what to do, or how you would like them to participate. His mom knows she is welcome in my house any time to see the twins but chooses not to unless I specifically ask her. We have dealt with this the whole five years, but I find when I ask her specifically for help, she tries. I recommend you take your daughter to see her, and you all sit down and discuss it, like adults, tell her how you feel and what you are thinking and she will hopefully do the same. I wish you the best.

Nicola - posted on 05/30/2010

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ive got two kids to the same dad he is never around and his mum aint even botherd she keeps sayin they aint her grandkids so what eles can i do im totaly in love with there dad

Sherelle - posted on 05/29/2010

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I'm going thru that but my son's father and I are together. Basically when anybody in his family had a baby we went to see them now they're acting like they're too good to travel to see our son and I basically told him they have to make an effort. It is a 2 way street and you shouldn't have to be the one doing all the leg work. She says she wants to be a grandma, then make her prove it. If she is able bodied and has a means of transportation she has no excuse, which is basically what I told my fiance. I'm not working and have limited income and means and she is married with a house and a husband so why should I have to do all that traveling? She has only been to our place once and we went by there on mother's day and she asked me if i would bring the baby by more often and I basically told her what it was. She wasn't happy about it but she really has no choice. It's not fair to you and hell no don't feel guilty about it.

Tracy - posted on 05/29/2010

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I had the same problem and my daughter doesn't know her Dad's family now and she is 15, don't let her make you feel guilty, just tell her if she wants to see her, then she has to make the move.

Cyndy - posted on 05/29/2010

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Don''t let her make you feel guilty! If her son had decided to be a father instead of flake then she could be more involved in your daughter's life. Does she help financially, emotionally, or with your daughters physical needs (clothes, food, child support)? Does she offer to babysit to so you have have a couple of hours to yourself?? Do you trust her and would a relationship with her be beneficial to your daughter? I wouldn't cut the ties completely with her, at some point and time your daughter may want a relationship with her dad's side of the family - but instead of you going to her, let her know what is going on with her. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but if you are going to the park or going to a children's museum, invite her to meet you there to spend time with her. Set one day a month (or every other week) to go over there for an hour. Plan on special occassions, her grandmother's birthday, Grandparents day, etc, to take her over with a card, a craft project your daughter does, or something. My daughter is 14 when there are events going on in her life, I e-mail everyone and let them know the date, time, and location. I offer to save them a seat if they are coming. Just be balanced about it. Your priority is to do what is best for your daughter, not her father's mother.

Carollynn - posted on 05/29/2010

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I am in a very simular situation. My daughter's dad left when I was 3mo preg. I see his family from time to time and they seem happy to see my daughter when we are out. I remind them that if they want to see her all they have to do is call and I will make an effort for them to see her. I tried for the first yr to include them in things, but got to the point that it's not up to me and I wasnt going to feel like I was pushing them. Her father bounces in and out when he wants to show her off and I am tired of that. I told him either be there for her or get out... I havent heard from him so I am guessing he is OUT

Karmi - posted on 05/28/2010

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Honestly I wouldn't bring her around the family. If they aren't putting forth effort to call or make a time to get together don't worry about it. I've dealt with the samething, I tried and tried to get my son's family involved and realized I was just wasting my time. Why take my son to someone who doesn't care to contact me. Don't feel guilty at all because there is only so much you can do.

Jessica - posted on 05/28/2010

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I had kind of the same thing happen. My daughters "donor", for lack of a better word, wouldnt step up. THe kicker is that his parents wouldnt want anything to do with her, and say that she isnt thier grandchild. The only ones that want to be a part of her life are her aunt and uncle, and the great grand parents. It's like this, people can say things to make you feel better, and think that everything is ok. just remember that ACTIONS speak LOUDER then WORDS. she can say she wants to be a part of her life, but with out trying....what message is she really sending?! The person that will be affected the most is the child. She doesnt deserve individuals that only want to be grand parents when it is convienent for them. it is a full time job to raise and protect a child....for ALL involved- the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. that is what Family is. Just focus on your daughter, and her well being....the rest will follow suit. dont forget to stick to your guns! be strong, and lay down the law, if they truly want to be there, they will come to an agreement. good luck!

Angela - posted on 05/28/2010

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. My daughter's dad ran out when I was 4 mths pregnant & after I had my daughter I got a new boyfriend. My daughters dad's mom said she wanted to be a part of her life but never made any efforts and she acted the same way. I finally invited her to lunch & explained that I dont have to always be the one to initiate the contact with her and her grandaughter and how important it is to me and my daighter that she is a important part of her life. I also said that I am sorry that her son left and didnt want to be a part of my daughters life but i needed to move on with my life and I meet someone who I think is a good influence in my daughters life. I tried to make her know that I am not replacing her son just wanted her to know that my new boyfriend is a wonderful person. My daughter is 9 now and she is the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for. Including my daughters best friend. Hang in there!!!

Charlena - posted on 05/27/2010

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I have the same issue , my daughters father family adores her but I think they are scared to call and ask for her because I want nothing to do with their son , so I had to make the first move and let them know that I don't mind them seeing my daughter I just don't want to put in a situation where I have to deal with my daughters father . There still nervous to ask me if they can come pick her up , Im really close with a cousin from his side so sometimes I show up just so they can see her for a bit .

Pamela - posted on 05/27/2010

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I agree w/ all the above, you can only put yourself out there so far b4 it just is 2 much. Let her know how you feel that you want her 2 be involved but that you cannot plan her life or yours aournd hers. If it still isnt going well, back off but leave the door open, if you move give her the new address or phone numbers. That way she cant say you disappeared on her. If she doesnt make an effort all you can tell your child/ren in the end is that you tried your best & kept the lines open & that it was their decision & loss at not being involved!

Jennifer - posted on 05/27/2010

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I have a similar situation in that my son's father is a dead beat and doesn't see my son that often which I prefer anyway since he has a drug problem. His family though wants to be able to see my son. According to the court I don't "have" to let the family take him only his father during his allowed time but I'm actually more comfortable with his father's sister or mother having him anyway. So, his father's sister calls me once or twice a month and asks to take my son which I allow and gives me some free time. Also as long as I've let his family see him the father has left me alone which is a relief.

Emily - posted on 05/26/2010

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Girl..im in the same boat with the baby's father's mother...me and my sons father wasn't gettin along..but she called and said she wanted to be in his life and be there...But yet..im the one who has tocall and tell her how he is...if i dont...shell only txt once every 3-4 months maybeee!!...And ive cussed and raised heck and everything...but it still didnt help...so i let it go...now i only contact her if she has contacted me first...and i only do that for my son...soo i wouldnt worry about it...id let her contact me if and when she wanted to see and know about her...if not..its not your fault....i would only respond if she contacted you first...(just my opinion)=]....If she don't then oh well...your not the one that needs to see or know about her...they do..so they should want to...and if they did then they would call!!=]..Hope this helps=]

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