I need help! 50/50 shared custody..

Stephanie - posted on 12/08/2010 ( 58 moms have responded )

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My ex and I split up the end of June and before we got lawyers he was allowed to see her when I said so. Well now we have lawyers and we've been on a trial basis for the every other week shared custody. I'm starting to notice a change in my daughter with this transition. She cries when she has to go with her dad and I feel like she's confused as to where she belongs. We're suppose to be going to court the end of this month or beggining of January and I want this every other week to stop. I know he's not gonna give it up without a fight and other than what I've noticed in my daughter I don't really have any other reason as to why it should stop. I guess what I'm asking is what kind of custody you ladies have if you have 50/50 or what you do have. And if you have 50/50 how do you make it work? and how does it affect your child/children? I need to know what I can do to get it to stop..I just want whats best for my daughter and besides seeing her dad I just dont think it's working out.

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Rob - posted on 11/14/2013

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I am sick to death of all you vindictive mothers denying the father the right to have a meaningful relationship with there children for the simple fact you are selfish and you do not have the child's best interest at heart! It absolutely disgusts me to see you all putting so much time and effort in trying to push the father out of your child's life for your own selfish gains instead of being proactive and realising it is in your child's best interest to have a meaningful relationship with both parents and the only way that is going to happen is by spending significant amount of time with both parents! And what about extended family do they not have the right to know there grandparents, brothers, sisters, aunty's, uncles, cousins? When you separate from your partner it is not a ideal situation PERIOD. For all you mothers winging about your children complaining about going to there fathers house...maybe you should look into how you can help your children ease into this transition instead of looking for any given reason to cut the father out of your child's life it's only a phase and children will adapt! If you continue on this selfish path the child is only going to recent you in the future! After all you don't think the child is not going to wonder about were they have come from..think about it!!! And please don't try and humour me with all your scientific research shit!

Susanna - posted on 11/15/2013

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I am so surprised at the number of men posting on a circle of moms site. I thought this was moms sharing with moms and there are plenty of well expressed posts that share what it is like for the fathers. i have three kids and divorced when the youngest was 4 and she is now 19. We have joint custody. I am proud of the way both my ex and I have acted over the time we shared custody of our children. In Canada the court seriously considers the wishes of a child age 14 or older. They can decide which parent they want to live with. We didnt need the court to help our family. An Ontario Judge wrote a book titled "Tug of War: A Judge's Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles, and the Bitter Realities of Family Court ". The book describes his exasperation at parents who come to the court (him) to decide such things as who takes children to hockey games thursday and who buys their swim passes etc etc. There is no exaggerating this stuff. He said that parents need to realize the court is not there every week and its best to start working things out with your child's other parent while decisions are being made and set things up in a way that is totally child focused.

This totally makes sense to me. After living 15 years of join custody I can tell you my ex wanted everything to be perfectly spelled out and it was never like that. He was able to think about things and go with the flow and respected the kids. That was so helpful. When my oldest wanted to stay mostly with his father becuase he was a hockey goalie with tons of equipment so juggling back and forth between our houses (10 miles apart with the arena 10 miles the other way) didnt work every second day, he started to live with Dad. My middle son did not get along with the new step mom (not even a little) so he lived with me and his dad made weekly efforts to do outings with him. My daughter went to both of our houses for many years then one day at age 17 she told me it was so hard to bring all her make up, favourite clothes, homework and such back and forth between our homes. She asked to live with him. A year later she had enough of step mom and came to live with me again.

I was as careful as possible to always show respect for their father and even his very odd and often selfish/rude girlfriend. I choose to not communicate with her but respected my kids to make their own decisions. I even tried to help them work out any troubles but supported them when it was not possible.

It is important to realize you do not own your kids. It helps to think of them as beings that are along for the ride with you for a short time and that there are tons of other people that round out their journey. Fathers, exes, step moms and step siblings, other siblings and on and on.

I have to say I felt a lot better knowing my kids were with each other when with their dad. If I had an only child it might be a completely different dynamic.

If you model kindness you get kindness back. I often bit my tongue or gently pointed out that an idea their father had was not my way of doing things. Ex. he thought that if he was to look after the kids on days when it was meant to be my days that I should pay him a per day charge. So when I went on a two week holiday it was expected that I would pay. He said he would never go on holiday without his kids. Well I paid him but only after he didnt agree with my gentle pointing out of the obvious that one day he would want to go on a trip. When that day came I did not charge him. I think that was a big turning point for us. He realized we were on the same team and it was not important to just play one up on the other.

Last year my mom died and he was with my kids and I at the funeral. We were all standing ready to go into the chapel when I realized he was going to end up sitting beside me with one of my kids on my left and two on his left. I asked him if he was bothered to stand next to me and he said "its not about you and me". I was very touched by his gesture to be sure we endured this sad time together as a family. In my honest opinion two people who loved each other and brought children into the world can have the humility and love (just different love) for each other to be a support not just for the kids but even for each other. As time marches on I rarely see him but I have just as much hope for his happiness as my own.

You will work out any of the logistics with a little effort and time. You have to work out the sadness your daughter feels with real humility and kindness toward her father even when the going gets tough. Never take the opportunity to make a mistake he makes into something you can use to bash him in the eyes of your child. Use it to show her your acceptance and kindness toward others. Of course, as one other poster said, there is a point at which you have to protect your child. I can assure you that if you are proud of the decision your ex made to be there for your kids, you will be able to put things into the right perspective.

When we were together there were things I helped him with in parenting. Ditto, he helped me. Have that attitude and you will do ok. Be flexible. Be reasonable. Be respectful.

Mary - posted on 03/04/2013

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The norm now is 50/50. They dont care about best interest of the child. They only care about best interest of the father. Its hard on kids, I just went throught it. He filed false child abuse charges against me, took them on my time, has told them everything the court says, and they are afraid to talk to the therapist because he hurts them if they tell her anything. I spent 30 grand trying to save them from him, but in the end the courts dont care. He won, my poor babies lost.

Tara - posted on 10/25/2013

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In my opinion the younger children have a harder time with the 50/50 thing so the child should be where it benefits the child better, whether its moms or dads. But as the children get older and can understand certain situations, the 50/50 custody can work wonderfully. If my bf and I broke up, I know I would have him 50% of the time. To me, that's waaay better than a child support check. Money can't cant take the place of the quality time they spend with each of their parents.
I am however sick of moms complaining about the father wanting more time with their children considering the amount of fathers wanting nothing to do with them. Be grateful...sheesh.

Jasper - posted on 10/15/2013

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Is it really in the best interest of the children to "visit" their other parent with short frequent visits? Am I clueless of a mother's love? Are you clueless of a father's love? Don't criticize my situation....you have no idea what it's like to have someone who is your flesh and blood and not be able to actually help raise them. To be a weekend babysitter. My child spends more time in daycare then she spends with me. The mother is more concerned about that weekly check than she is about making sure my daughter spends an adequate time with her father. Isn't the relationship between a father and a daughter the most important relationship in a developing female? Regardless it makes no sense that 50/50 shouldn't be awarded. That would be the best interest of the child. Try going through what I have and then you can criticize me for trying to stand up for father's rights.

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M.shelton - posted on 06/14/2016

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My ex husband and i split in Jan 2015. We have a son that is 6 and a daughter that is 2. I work Mon-fri 7-330 and he works swing shifts (two weeks on days and two weeks on seconds). we had a schedule of him keeping the kids 4 days while hes on days and every other weekend. it worked out great. my son started kindergarten in Aug 2015. My ex husband talked me into going 50/50 in Aug for our kids. At that time I was okay and thought i was doing what was best for my children. Our schedule is he gets them two weeks in a row when hes on day shift and i get them two weeks when hes on second shift and every other weekend. My son started having trouble in school and i was starting to potty train my daughter. I got my son a tutor in Jan 2016. their behavior is terrible. it takes me a week to get them back to how that were suppose to act. they listened to rap and watch bad movies, play games that they shouldn't play, stay up past their bed time. my ex husband doesn't let my son participate in school activities because he doesn't want to pay them. He doesn't dress or groom them very well. he also doesn't make them sit in car seats. i have pictures, school records, and documented everything. i had to get a court order to let my daughter do gymnastics and to talk to them when he has them. i started taking him back to court in Jan 2016. i finally got a court date in jun 2016 but the judge saw nothing wrong and kept the schedule the same. what should i do? my children are struggling? :'(

Patricia - posted on 06/07/2016

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Hello i need an advice I currently have Joint custody 50-50 my daughter just turn 12 her dad gives me $8 dollars a month for support because his unemployed and am getting disability I just had another baby with my boyfriend of 5 years we are not married but we live together my ex boyfriend told child support agent that my boyfriend lives with me and takes our daughter to school child support agent told him bring proof of what you are saying would it affect me living with my boyfriend?? Even know we are not married would they combine our incomes as one? I also have another dependent would i have to pay him support?

Brittany - posted on 05/21/2016

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Hey there now! Not ALL mothers are like that! I wanted joint custody with my sons father because I know he needs both me and his father in his life! I could of gone for full custody or whatever but wanted my son to have his father in his life just as much as he has me in his life. Though the father is a complete jerk and meanie to me sometimes but all that matters is how he treats our son! Unless there is danger, harm, violence, or anything like that then I feel that shared custody is an essential for the child! Been on the shared custody agreement for 5 years now and my son is the happiest kid in the world because he loves his daddy and mommy both and gets to see them both! Obviously it will take some time to adjust In the beginning but when the adjustment is made it is well worth it in the long run for the child! :)

Rosser21 - posted on 05/19/2016

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Exactly!! People forget that more times then any a mother is the one that does most of the caring for a child.

Greg - posted on 05/10/2016

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Wowie are people ever caught up in themselves!
Face it! If you were a kid at any age would you want one bed one night and another the next?
Your using your kids as pawns instead of whats best for the kids!
Yahooo you got out of paying $400-800 a month or whatever.
News flash. It costs anyway to feed and buy clothes and so again you've just messed up a kid.
I think it humiliates a woman to take the kids.
I was in a position to take my 3 kids as I was Mr Mom and yet.....I didn't.
You guys need a reality check. So your going to work full time, raise your kids all your days off and.....have no life!
Again the kids suffer. Why? Your exhausted.
But your right you won in court you selfish asses!
I hope that when the kids grow up with attitudes that you can't stand that you'll see that ALL kids need their mothers.
This is ridiculous.

Kelly - posted on 05/05/2016

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I have a situation and hope its not too much. My daughter will be 12 in a couple month and my son is 14. In 2013 I had resigned my job of 13 years do to a spinal disease. Well I had run into financial issues and we were evicted from out apartment of 7 years. My kids do have different father's in which I took my daughters father in to modify support being he had a new employment with higher income. The judge dismissed it although it should have gone up in order to be 17% of his income. Anyway we were evicted. Stayed with a couple friends for a few months. My daughters father decided to try and get full custody of my daughter so I found a place and fast. Well then a year later I did some home care but wasnt enough. I couldn't get social services cause my child support was a few dollars above the allowed income. So again her father tried. While he was trying it was summer I had a new boyfriend, so until we could fond a place we camped. Come sept when I had yo go to court we actually had an apartment, the law guardian approved of it.
Well I didn't know at the time that the lady up there was not a judge, and she put 50/50 shared up on the table. Came up with the days etc. Law guardian twisted things around. My daughter told him she wanted it stay how it was and he told her he didn't think the judge will do that. So she said if he won't then I'll have to be okay with the change. Then got in court and said she was confident about it and fine with the decision. Which was so not true. So I agreed and said if she wants to then I'll learn yo be fine with it. My daughter after about 8 no this of her having to go to her dads for 4 days long doesn't want it. When she's with him she's not allowed to do anything. Can't go play, go do school activities, if her brother asks her to go do something g he says no. She sits upstairs in her room. After school he picks her up and she has tyo sit at his work for 3 hours and when no school she has to go there all day! Why? I'm home. And since this started her and her brothers bond is going. They used to get home from school, have their snack and do homework. Now she not allowed to have homework at his house, it should be all done in school. What bs. Her brother and her were close, hung out together, had the same friends etc. Now that's getting ruined. See our divorce and split isn't like most. My ex used to throw my son and I out of his house. So we were separated in 2003. He wanted to maybe get back together, so my son and I went back , it was Nov. Found out in Jan I was pregnant and he wanted us out again. Said he can't have kids etc. We left I filed for legal separation and divorce. I worked full time, took care of my son and went through the pregnancy and birth myself. After she was born etc the paternity showed he was the father. He saw her for the first time in 2005 she was already a year old. He talked me into going back. We did, about 7 months later he says he only had us come back cause he gonna file for custody, boot me and my son out and how I couldn't remove her from his house.
May of 2006 all three of us moved out. So she was only under his roof may 7 months!We sstayed gone, divorce was final in 07. I was diagnosed in 2010 with my spinal stenosis and then things went bad in 2013. Well we are still in our apartment after the camping. My boyfriend works full time, I get child support and working on my ssd. And of course a few months after the 50/50 started he took me to court to try and stop support. Which come to find out he should have been paying $125 a week the last 3-4 years being he makes $800 a wk. So the judge kept it at his $82 a week cux of 50/50. Anyway after all that said my daughter wants to tell the judge herself she wants it to go back to the Mon and wed from 6 pm till morning and every other weekend. I have not ever denied any extra time that he asked for. Like if his family came into town if she wanted to go then she could go. Sine the 50/50 if her brother asks if she could leave to come home a little early to go somewhere with us he says absolutely no! It has ruined our little family. She goes to her dads and is like imprisoned for 4 days. Failing in school, separated her from her brother. He doesn't even let my son go over there to hang with her anymore. He is happy with the arrangement cause its just him. Well it has done damage to 3 peoples lives. The only one the benefited from it was him and he only did it cause he doesn't have to pay $45 dollars more. And because I have spinal stenosis doesn't mean I shouldn't have primary custody of my daughter. She not a baby any more. I want what's best for her and having to be there half the time is not it. She wants to have friends and do schoolthings and he says no and she stays in the house. Just wanted to see if anyone thinks im wrong? Or how many would feel or do the same? I'm not trying to take her away not at all!! She does love her dad. And I never had a problem if she asked to go there or go somewhere with him.

Alena - posted on 04/04/2016

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Having all these dads on this site is annoying as hell. We already know how hard you all are fighting for your rights with your kids and the courts are already on your side, so go enjoy your victory in taking away children from moms and act like you're just as equal as mother's love is. It all started because some Mothers took it to the extreme and started abusing the system. It backfired on ALL mothers and Now we're screwed!!! For YEARS its been proven and studies will show that at an early development stage a child MUST remain his routine. Its extremely important. This 50/50 crap is complete bs. In my particular situation the father didn't want to do anything with his child since i was 3 months pregnant. A year later after birth he filled for full custody ( in hoping to get 50/50 to avoid child support) he played the victim in court and won. Found out i make more money and is asking for me to pay child support. I can't function without my son. I can't live a whole week without seeing him. We are 5hrs away from each other and its a LONG drive for a toddler to be in 4 times a month. Sometimes 7hrs if stuck in traffic. I worked my butt off didn't ask for a penny, provided best care , food, and Pre-School which was way out of my price range that he loved and had an amazing progress. My son is now forsed to go to TWO different homes and TWO different day cares in TWO different cities. On top of that the father hates the name my son was given at the time of birth and calls him and introduces him by a different name. So now he has TWO different names. How the hell is that in the BEST INTEREST OFF THE CHILD??? To confuse the hell out of him so he then end up hating both of us??. My son hysterically cries when i have to drop him off feeling that his mother abandoning him not understanding what's going on. The early development stage is incredibly important for a baby to be near his mother. It's MOTHER NATURE!!!! A dog will tear you apart if you take a new born puppy from her, a baby bear will NOT survive first years without his mother its a proven fact, an animal will DIE of depression if their babies are taken away. It's nature!!! How do they expect HUMAN females to live and function when their babies are taken away for weeks at a time. I know the same is happening with new borns when they are still breast fed, and the courts forse the mother to pump and give the milk to dads, then sit for a whole week (50/50 alternating weeks) and wait. The hormones destroying the mother, the milk keeps producing, without the baby she can easily loose the milk and the baby is left without the nutrition. All because fathers want more time!!!! Go get a freaking job and take care both the mother and the child of you want what's BEST for your child!!!!! Instead of using the system to destroy the mother fully.

Charlene - posted on 03/17/2016

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Wow...so you think taking a child fro their dad is going to help? How about you look at what showing on AT HOME and what YOU doing that's causing this.
I have two chikdren who have recently lost as much time with their dad due to his new gf drug use. My son is a straight up prick when he comes back from his dad's and my daughter is depressed to shit. But it's not him. It's because I don't allow them there as often. Chidren hear and feed off how WE feel and what we say. The fact that you're so overly "concerned " means your hiding the fact that you really don't want her near him. She expels that. It's you, not her father. Mother's like you make me sick. ....

Nicole - posted on 03/11/2016

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Also keep in mind some men who are sociopaths or controlling in nature go after 50/50 not because they want a better relationship with their daughter but because its a means to manipulate and continue controlling the mother...... keep that in mind

Nicole - posted on 03/11/2016

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First of all, NO ONE replying to this thread really has any proper advice as every situation is different. Is she 5 or is she 12 and about to start her period and puberty etc. Was there violence or emotional abuse in the relationship prior to the divorce. Have her and her father had a good relationship prior to the divorce. You can all go pull the wool over your eyes and blindly believe that 50/50 is better for all kids because society says so but its not. Every child is different and has different needs. is there abandonment issues that she is feeling and would benefit from being securely attached to 1 parent vs somewhat attached to 2? Don't blame her or "group" her into a bad vindictive mother. We care about our children and we want our children to thrive,. Not every father is capable just like not every mother is.

Frankie - posted on 01/31/2016

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If he is such a concerned father and wants to see his daughter consistently then he should fight for her and take the mother to court for visitation. I'm a Father and I did exactly that . The mother is a very spiteful person and retaliated be taking me to court for child support when she didn't have to. I now pay $800 a month and I wouldn't change a thing. I will pay triple that if I have to in order to be in my daughter's life. Your boyfriends hesitation in taking the mom to court leads me to believe paying minimal child support is more important to him.

Yuri - posted on 09/16/2015

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IF HES A GOOD FATHER WHY NOT ! IF HE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE WHY NOT !? that's a little extra help for you. Its only fair to have 50/50 if he wants to be there and be part of there life. I say this for experience I have 50/50 child custody with my daughters father and he only visits her twice a month. Irresponsible, he has that opportunity and takes it for granted. My boyfriend now, big difference he has a daughter with another girl who she only lets him see her when ever she wants, and depending on her mood. Shes always denying him to see his daughter., He wants to be there and its amazing how no matter what problems he has with the baby mom, he can be such great father to his little girl. & she enjoys and loves being with us and my daughter. He also tries to explain to his little girl when ever she feels sad or confused. I think there's fathers outhere who really are good fathers and deserve to be in your kids life.

Laura - posted on 04/07/2015

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You don't say how old she is, so with that said, 50/50 is a better choice for children to be with both their parents. You cannot condone a child because of behavior problems, such as crying, whining, what-nots, etc. As she grows up, she's going to learn that not everything in her world is going to be all she wants to have. For example, she tells you she has a test at school one day - and she doesn't want to take it, are you going to tell her she can stay home, until that test is over? Probably not, because sometime she's going to have to take that test. This is the same as saying you go with daddy, you will have a good time, when you come home you and I will go out have ice-cream together and do it.

Dianne - posted on 04/07/2015

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I can't believe that people would suggest that shared custody is "selfish". It's selfish to keep your kids from developing a strong relationship with the "other" parent. Anyway, recent research seems to suggest that shared parenting is actually BETTER for children. Of course there cases where one parent is abusive, neglectful, or incompetent and the child would be better off with just one parent. But in general, I think shared custody should be the norm. This isn't the 1950s.

Dianne - posted on 04/07/2015

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Christina, just who do you think was subsidizing your SAHM life with your children? Yup, your children's FATHER was. While you're diminishing your ex's role in your children's lives, your ex could just could just as easily say something like, "I've been working my @$$ off for 8 1/2 years to provide for her and my beautiful children and now she wants to keep them away from me yet she still expects me to pay up(while not being allowed to develop a strong relationship with them). She gets to have the fun with the kids while I'm working my butt off???!!! FU I say!" How would you like that?

And for the record, I think that you would BOTH be wrong for saying these things. You and your ex BOTH had important roles in your children's lives. They were different but BOTH important. Don't be so bitter. I'm sure you were a great mom before the divorce, but if you're trying to keep the kids away from their dad (assuming that he's not abusive or anything) then you are becoming a bad mom.

Samantha - posted on 10/18/2014

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Hi Steph, a woman of wise words. I separated two years ago when my son was only 12 months old. My son is three in January and is my only child and I love him more than anything in the world. My ex forced me to move over 75km's away and pays little child support. Since my son was 12 months old I reluctantly let his father have him over night one night a week. We have now started every second weekend three weeks ago, still including one night/day per week. We alternate Christmas. I spend hours on the ferry driving etc per week. I was made redundant four weeks before Christmas and raise my son on less than $200 a week after rent is paid. My ex is a self employed electrician and contributes $115 a week. Today, he told me he the plan is not fair and he would fight me for 50/50. I told him to go for it, he won't get it and that I have been more than fair in cosidiring our sons needs first. These are the type of men that give well meaning and loving fathers a bad wrap. I have never denied him to see his son and I never would, but in my situation, I'm just too nice.

Joanne - posted on 07/02/2014

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50/50 is better for the child. There are traits and things that a male and female can both teach. Here's how easy it is. Mon/Tues one parent. Wed/Thurs other parent. Alternate weekends. Simple. Any routine for a child like that will be fine. In America, fathers are routinely marginalized. If you know anything though, men in America are very romantic and can be ultra caring. Many men have very big soft hearts and are usually consistent in their views. I've seen many women who shouldn't even be parents in the first place. Why courts default kids to women is crazy. We aren't primal animals anymore. A father can be equally, if not more, caring than a mother.

Ang3lina - posted on 04/30/2014

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Children do need both parents, but one steady place to call home! Maybe things should be the same as much as possible before the divorce. Who woke up the kids, took them to school, picked them up, did homework with them, fed them dinner, took them to the doctors, dentist, activities? If that's always been one parent, why should it change?

Truef - posted on 04/30/2014

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Children need both parents. Don't ever take their dads out of the picture. Your child will grow up to hate you.

Ang3lina - posted on 04/30/2014

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Well said! I'm with you all the way. I too have been a stay at home mom for 14 years.

Ang3lina - posted on 04/30/2014

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I too have seen the cons of 50/50. I'm not sure what our court systems are thinking, but children need somewhere to call home. A consistent life, where they feel safe. Sharing 2 homes, 2 different beds, 2 different sets of rules, is unhealthy for our kids. I think shared custody is selfish of the parents, not fair to our kids. Our goals should be what's in the best interest of our children, not dads trying to take 50% so they can pay a babysitter or daycare instead of the mother. Dads, do you really think some stranger your paying is going to love, protect and care for your kids better than the mom? Maybe in some situations were the moms are losers, but most of us love our kids and would do anything for them.

Rob - posted on 04/13/2014

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I'm with Rob. Men aren't friggin' apes, who are always consistently violent and callous. We care, we love, we feel, we teach, we hope.. Just because someone lacks the capacity to understand why they aren't wanted intimately, sexually, or maritally by their old partner anymore does not give women precedent to slander or manipulate and generalize men. All I know is a 1/4 of the story from some of these posts.. Yet I'm certain that the kingdom of God is not in one being, it's in all beings. Focus on being civil, respectful, and courteous. We will find the way. One Love #truthout

Christina - posted on 04/05/2014

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I know I am coming in late on this, but being a mom I am in the same situation as Jasper, believe it or not. Where's the justice in that? I have been a SAHM for 8 1/2 years and NOW dad wants to be a father? NOW he wants to spend time with them? NOW he wants to claim I am a bad mom? Why do dad's have the right to take the kids away from SAHMs who have spent 24/7 with their kids and dad has been home only on weekends (my situation)? I am not a bad mom, my kids are extremely intelligent, well mannered and loving. NOW, he wants me to only see them 50% of the time, or summers breaks...F U...is what I say.

Kelly - posted on 02/19/2014

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I think it's sad that every time the issue of custody arises everyone seems to split up by gender . It's not a Mothers rights vs Fathers rights issue it's Childrens rights. Unfirtunatley when the adults choose to get together and have these children and then were unable or unwilling to keep that home together a price gets paid. The cost of Divorce separation or having children out of wedlock is the unbearable pain of living with your children part time, having at times limited say in thier upbringing and having to accept stepparents and siblings etc. Welcome to being a responsible adult. Children are not property they can not just be split down the middle. Every family situation is different so custody arrangements should vary to reflex what works for the children best. I think a man who provides support and allows his children to live primarily in one home is a hero and a great Dad. I think a Mother who graciously reliqueshes her role as primary caregiver to share responasabilities with her ex is a great Mother.
I think before any adult asks a child to live in two homes Moms House, Dads House, kids have no home. They should live that way themselves. How about the parents go back and forth and the kids stay put. That's what would be fair.
I am divorced so I get it, I suffer everyday for the choices I made, and so do my children. The only "rights" that matter are that of the children. If you think it's fair to you it's probably not for them.

Robert - posted on 02/05/2014

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I as a father would like to reply to a lot of these post. You look at all of this as the mothers point of view. I love my children always have and always will. When me and their mother split I had no choice in taking them with me because living in a 35 ft motor home would not have been good for them. Even though I played the nice guy putting a roof over my children heads and making sure she had her two cars for transportation(yes paid her car payments and house payments) trying to be fair. Then she on her own walks away and tries to stuck me plus hits me with support. So moral think of what is fair, work for the good of the children, help the children adjust to the new living arraignments, work as parents, not ex's. I still do not talk to mine she doesn't communicate with me. At least my children understand and have come to the conclusion on their own to start staying with me on a 50/50 time share. Things will work out if the parents remember they still have to be involved with each other, and have to be fair with each other.

Tammie - posted on 01/30/2014

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my ex and I split up start of last yr and I coropiated all this time with him I reasnly got a restraining order agence me for abuce now he taking me to cort wanting 50 50 of me son and notmy lil girl im at wits ends can he get that ima good mum I do not take drugs or drink or any think bad ima stay at home mum my life revoled around them he works take drugs (weed) I cant do 50 50 ill die with out them my is ca he get 50 50

Best Dad - posted on 12/05/2013

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why don't you give custody to your daughter's father if you're so concerned about 50/50 custody?

Valarie - posted on 11/30/2013

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I ended up with my divorce being 50/50. I am not happy with it. The problem isn't that the father wants to spend more time with my child but that he feels he has the right to lay out exactly how my week should be spent with her. Children need a sense of stability. Yes I understand that both parents deserve time with their children. But what about how it affects our kids....? My daughter doesn't feel she belongs in one home. As she finally settles in she gets bumped to the other parent. Their favorite things in their room are left behind and they really just become confused. Men feel that they have the right so they try every dirty trick to stop the child from building a bond with their mother. When they are so little they need that connection.

Laura - posted on 11/14/2013

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I know you don't want to hear this but the court will work against you on this. Your ex has a right to see his child every other weekend and probably once during the week too. Unfortunately, this is what you both signed up for when deciding to divorce. The best thing you guys can do for your child is to accept reality, formalize a child custody agreement, and then alter it according to schedules on your own. Truth be told, given a year from now...you will probably find yourself feeling quite differently. The time your ex has with your child will allow you needed personal time to embrace your new life and even begin really living again. I would hasten to guess that your child may be feeling the anxiety and upset you currently feel towards sharing her with your ex. That may be more of the impetus for the changes that you are seeing than anything that might be designated as imperfect to you when she is in your ex's care. That said, if you suspect impropriety going on...that is a whole different matter of which you should bring up with your legal team. Just don't be vindictive in order to get your way as it will, ultimately, bite you in the a-- later on. I assure you.

Katina - posted on 11/13/2013

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My boyfriend has his daughter every weekend or is supposed to. We allow T to call mom when here. Problem is when she calls, mom says she misses her and sometimes even cries. T is only gone from Saturday 9 am til Sunday 6 pm. T is 11. Finding every time she calls mom, she ends up going home cause mom is sad. Dad is not getting hid visitation time. Friend of court say to not bring her home.. T is spoiled so gets what she wants...Could be she misses u. It will take time to adjust. He also gets her every other holiday with the exception of mother's day and father's day. Last year he had her per christmas. Mom had her Christmas. This year mom has her per Christmas. Dad has her Christmas.. Shall be interesting!

Bobbi - posted on 11/05/2013

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My ex did that to me but it back fired on him I have full custody and full guardianship of my daughter n he is only allowed to see her every other Sunday with me and ur my parents there for the visit judge said so! And its when I choose the time and place.... he didn't care about the child he was mad Cruz we broke up, revenge was all it was he hasn't seen her since the year 1998!!!!! Which is good...... his choice not to be in her life!!...let the judge decide be honest n go from there good luck

Rebecca - posted on 11/05/2013

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Jasper you have no idea. I just had a baby 10 weeks ago the father didn't think she was his didn't help. I didn't want any money or anything from him after that. I had my daughter now he is suing me for paternity, visitation, wanting to pay child support and change her last name. Since he is her father as soon as the test comes back positive he gets all these rights and I have no say in it. How is that fair? Not all women want a check and not all fathers have their children's best interest at heart.

Amanda - posted on 11/04/2013

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Jasper, you re acting defense and like a jerk to the mothers. She said nothing rude she only stated what she believed. If you have issues take it out on who deserves it and that's not here. Why are you even here? This is circles of moms not dads. And to lump us in with the moms that just want the money is wrong. And no 50/50 does not always work, the hold needs a stable home, not going from week to week, it seems you are thinking about yourself not your child. Comes dads just make other plans, even if it's a few hrs. A day or watching their kids while their moms are at work, it depends on the family. You can bring a different side but you don't have to take your anger out on us. Grow up.

Lasha - posted on 11/01/2013

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My ex and I had 50/50 custody before he started working out of town. The best thing to do is explain to your daughter that it is important to spend time with her dad. She may cry because she doesn't want to leave you, not because she doesn't want to go to her dad's. It will break your heart to hear her cry, but I believe until she is old enough to make her own decision, then she should spend time with her dad as long as he is willing to take her. You don't mention how old she is, but perhaps having a calendar showing when she is with you and when she is with her dad, and explaining it to her would help her know where she belongs. The best thing either of you can do for your daughter is help her feel safe and loved.

Ev - posted on 10/20/2013

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Jasper-50/50 is a good idea but it only works if a few things are in place. The parents live in the same town or school district. The parents are willing to work it out for that. The kids seem to do well with this switching houses each week. The parents are on the same pages for discipline, homework, extra activities, and such. They both can make sure the kids get to their sports or school sports functions and other things. In my situation we did not do 50/50 as we live 50 miles apart at the minimum without an actual mileage taken. The school my kids go to is another ten miles from dad's in the opposite direction of me. They have been fine with the visitation since they were younger that I had the weekends and holidays split up and we have managed. Sometimes that is also a factor in the cases. As to why my kids ended up with dad? I chose not to make them pawns in a custody war and wanted to be sure they had a peace of mind and knew that no matter what I am there for them. And today we are closer than we ever were.

Krystal Nicole - posted on 10/15/2013

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You are clueless about the mothers love for her child and it seems like she is looking out for her littles best interest .Dont criticize someone for expressing her feelings in a hard situation. Keep it to yourself . You don't know her situation

Jasper - posted on 10/14/2013

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I absolutely love these posts!! Mothers all getting together and complaining that the father wants more time with his child(ren). And it seems that all the problems are the dads fault. Mothers have never done anything wrong? Are you serious? All I ever see is all that mothers care about is whether or not they receive their check from the fathers. Where is the justice in that? What about all of those dads who just want to be able to see their child for more than a once a week "visit", as though they have done something wrong to lose privileges to parent their child they help conceived. Why aren't fathers allowed to be a positive influence in their child's life. Explain to me how fathers can really influence with only an overnight every other weekend and some short frequent visits because that is all it ever really seems dads get. I am so frustrated by the injustice of it all. Imagine you losing your child simply based on your gender...having him or her ripped from you and told you can see him once in awhile because that is all you deserve. Think from the other point of view and stop being so selfish

Karen - posted on 12/27/2010

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My ex and I have 50/50 and it does effect the children regardless, you just have to let them know that both parents love them very much and this is the way it has to be. I also give my ex every wkend, fri night to sat and then every other wkend fri night to sunday, and there are no wkday visits unless I approve only because it was effecting my childs grades, he still gets his holidays and b'days if he chooses to take them, sometimes he doesnt and that is hard on them as well but again let the child know something has come up and she/he will see daddy when he can come get them.

Elysia - posted on 12/21/2010

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i am actually going through the same thing.. its crazy my daughters father has never done anything for my daughter and he ddnt want to help out i took him to court for child support it backfired on me becaue he then took me to court for custody... we have joint legal custody which he is suppose to have her 3 days out of the week.. the only reason he did that is because he knows the more days he has her the less childsupport he has to give me... but he doesnt get her for the 3 days he is suppose to i pick her up on the second day... i have notice a change in my daughter also she does cry when she has to go cause she thinks she is not coming back because now she stays the night.. i use to call her to check up on her but i had to stop because she wwould scream on the phone for me to pick her up and he broke my heart... i tel her mommy and daddy loves you very much and we want to share you.... i try to keep it positve for her dont want her to know that we dont get along... but back in court again after the holidays... good luck hun

Jess - posted on 12/21/2010

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I live in Australia so the laws are different here, but perhaps you could get your lawyer to do some research for you to present in court. Here in Aus they don't do 50/50 custody for young children because its been proven to be damaging. A young child needs 1 constant home and its not good for them to move every week.

A baby needs its mum ! My ex was going to fight for 50/50 until I showed him this info and now he knows its just not worth it.

Katrina - posted on 12/20/2010

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I used to have 50/50 custody with my ex... From experance I will tell you that it will continue this way until the child is old enough for school. My son is now 4 and a half. Its been 2 years in Sept that my ex got residental ccustody of my son... I only get to see him during the summer and every other christmas and thanksgiving. I don't know what state you live in but I will tell you that KS law really bites the big one. I noticed the same changes in my son when I had to give him to his father but it didn't stand up in court cause he wasn't old enough to say anything there for as long as my ex's house and all checked out he was still allowed to see him. SInce my ex has residental custody of my son, They have moved 5 time in the past 2 years, I was ordered phone calls with my son twice a week and it don't work. Just letting you know some of the things that could happen. My ex promised me that he would follow court orders and nothing has happened so far. We have been divorces since Nov of 06.

A - posted on 12/19/2010

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My ex (we split up in june) and I have the agreement for our kids (5 years, 2.5 years and 7weeks) that he takes them (the oldest two right now as i'm still breastfeeding) every second weekend (friday night - sunday night) and he can see them once or twice for a few hours during the week as long as he calls me and i'm not busy. He won't set an exact day during the week because of his oncall schedule and the kids are quite happy to go to his place every second weekend and sometimes won't see him at all during the week. I am pretty sure he doesn't watch them at all cause he paid very little attention to them when we lived together and when he's over to see the kids he spends about 30 seconds with our youngest before sitting down and chatting on his blackberry, only spending less than 20 minutes out of 2-4 hours, playing or paying attention to the oldest two. Other than 30sec-1min, he ignores our youngest. He does pay child support though has shorted me a few times already. If your child is having trouble with the days may be a good start to go slow and perhaps start with a few hours twice a week and then slowly increase the time to overnight. Good luck!

Nicole - posted on 12/13/2010

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Me and my ex have shared custody but i have primary physical custody of my daughter. Meaning that i have more say then what he does and she lives with me 90% of the time. My daughter Summer who is 2 is the same way. Shes always telling me that she doesnt want to go to her fathers house. He recently got married and has another child with this chick. I think they dont bother with her, so it affects her greatly. When she comes home I notice a big difference in her attitude and her behavior. I think that since the children are so young that they dont fully understand whats going on and they are confused about the bouncing back and forth between houses. I wish that i didnt have to send my daughter because of how my ex is. I recently reduced my ex's visitation. He only gets her every other week from wednesday to sunday. He use to get more but i talked him down to that and also becuz i was moving an hour away from him. Have you tried talking to him about every other weekend and maybe only one day out of the week that he doesnt get her for the weekend??? If that doesnt work out then try getting together with his lawyer and work out a visitation schedule that works for you and your daughter. I hope this helps. Good Luck!!!

Mattie - posted on 12/13/2010

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This is exactly why I didn't want to split time 50/50. I've seen this lots. Some kids do great but some have a lot of trouble and just don't feel at home anywhere. My ex sees his kids on weekends. How many in a row depends on his shift for work at that time. He wanted it split and I refused 100%. He's a coward and never pushed me ( mind you, he knew I'd fight tooth and nail forever).

Talk to your ex and explain what's going on. Maybe he'd be willing to allow your child to adjust and then slowly increase the time? If he's not willing to work with you, then you'll have to go to court I guess.

Good luck. I hope this can be worked through with out the courts.

Melana - posted on 12/12/2010

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you could try mentioning the half week split, my best friend and her daughters father do that and it seems to work out well. just remember that watever the situation is itll pry take some time for your daughter to adjust so just try and be patient and do wat you can to keep her comfortable and happy. wish ya the best of luck.!

Autumn - posted on 12/12/2010

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Ok I have 2 daughters both with different fathers... I have shared parenting too. I have delt with this since my oldest (now 7) was about a year old. We did the week on/off thing too. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!! But we ended up on different shifts for a while and lived down the road from each other On his way to work he dropped her off to me and I kept her until I had to go to work that evening when he was getting off. That worked until school time. Then we did half week at a time.. Papers got messed up and everything it was horrible teachers was confused where to send her all that soooooo now I live about an hour away from him so that had to change we went to court and he gets 3 weekends a month. IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER!!! Her grades are awesome she is happy (altho at times she mentions she misses her dad and they call each other as much as they want and talk) If he is up my way he will stop and get her for dinner or what have u. Now my youngest who is now 5 is another story her dad I believe only gets her so he doesn't have to pay more money and he is afraid what ppl will think if he gives up his rights.. but the court ordered that he is SUPPOSE to get her from school on thurs take her to and from on Fri... He hasn;t done this once... He gets her 3 weekends a month and thats all. which I LOVE.. then if there is holidays I always offer them that time like on a mon or Fri. they can have an extra day.. Summers are week on week off. But they have adjusted to that with time. My oldest used to scream cry cling to me and I didn't know what to do but to cry fro a long time. but as kids get older just try to make it sound like a fun thing to do...

Tamie - posted on 12/11/2010

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I have been doing 50/50 for two years now I HATE IT!!! Kids homework insn't getting done, my son is in Boy Scouts but if any activities fall on his week forget about it, my daughter wants to do softball but he already said no.And just because we split them 50/50 i still pay child support cause when we split i made more then he did. The judge wont change it to every other weekend for he is a chef and only has monday and Sunday off. I wish you luck it will be great as long as you both stay on good terms.

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