I need someone with experience to talk to me..:(

Amalie - posted on 07/31/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I'm brand new so I'm not familiar with this site but I thought it might be worth a shot to try and get some advice. I'm going to be blatantly honest and I hope that I don't get myself into trouble. It's how I feel and I can't change it.

The father of my youngest and step father to my oldest (since she was two) left us almost three years ago. After 15 years of being together (my youngest was 10) he had an affair and crushed my world. When he left I was a disaster in all aspects of the word. I was a sobbing hysterical mess and financially we were in ruins (I only worked part-time). He walked away and said he wanted more "things" in life, things he would never get with me (eg, snow machines, camps etc.) He also said that he wanted to know what it felt like to date other people. He told me to give up teaching (no full time work) and go work at a call center. And..poof he was completely gone.
For a year I was in court trying to get child support and for a year we ate eggs 5 nights out of 7. It wasn't until his wages were garnished by the court that child support came in. My 10 year old was as devastated as I was and looked to me for answers which I could not provide. My oldest had written him off and said that he ruined her childhood anyway. No contact from him even though I tried to encourage it a few times. Year two I found a second job and my emotions seemed to settle down. I would hear stories about his drug use and girlfriends and nights at the bar and watched as he drove around town on his brand new Harley. I suffered in silence and focused on my kids. A month ago, I can honestly say that I had almost completely forgotten he existed and felt relatively normal again. Until my now 12 year old had her phone taken away for her behaviour and announced out of the blue that she was calling her dad and wanted to go live with him. She was insistent so we found his number and I figured I would call her bluff. He answers and all of a sudden after over two years he was to be arriving at my door in less than an hour. I can honestly say that I have never felt so confused in my whole life. My daughter who I have broken myself for was spewing the most hateful things at me and her father, the man who vanished was coming to get her? I didn't think it was possible to feel more hurt than I had when my world came crashing down two years prior but there it was. Upon the advice of friends and family, I let her go...boom..away with this virtual stranger. She called me five days later telling me that her dad had instructed her to come home and get her bike and drive downtown to his friends house while he was on a 12 hour shift and let herself into this house with a key and let out some man's dogs. (she called from his cell that he left her because he has no house phone but he also instructed her not to take the phone even a step out of his apartment). I almost died. I told her that I would take her to do this task (because she was almost in tears when I said no) but after that she needed to come home. Kicking and screaming I brought her home and told her that I loved her too much to let her be unsafe and that she could visit her father but not live there.
During this visit many things were said. He told her that he didn't ever take her because he had hurt me too much and didn't want to hurt me anymore. He told her that I take half of his paycheck (child support is only based on one of his many jobs that I could track - he never showed up in court) He told her that he's always loved her and they could now make up for lost time. Turns out he ended up with the lady whom he had the affair with and has been raising her two kids this whole time. (I had no idea..nor did I want to know). He's apparently going to sell his Harley in lieu of a vehicle they can drive in, take my daughter to his new gf's camp all the time, get a new place for them all to live in, buy her a ferret and a bull mastiff puppy .. blah blah etc. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!
Here comes the blatant honesty. BULL@$%!! Excellent. He has a new life and is as happy as a lark and has found his toys and "things" and his place is immaculate and "mom his girlfriend has a camp and she's so pretty and nice and he has such a big movie collection and he can offer me such a better life than you can"...BULL@$^$. This is the same girl who sobbed as I held her for YEARS...literally YEARS. I worked non stop only to watch her cry at Christmas because it wasn't like before. I told her she was beautiful and that her father must be sick because there was absolutely nothing not to love about her. I went without eating. I made excuses. I picked up all of the tiny shattered pieces. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I aged 10 years in 2. I opted not to date in order to avoid any more possible heartbreak. I watched the devastation. How can any of this be right??? I feel numb and betrayed by life and quite honestly I'm feeling kind of dead inside. My daughter is set to go spend another week with her father and it's her birthday which she wanted to have with him. I'm not coping well. There's a big part of me that wants to say "hey, go ahead, enjoy" (I mean I could maybe relax a little and not have the burden of the world on me) but bottom line is I love my daughter and fear for her safety with this man who walked away and didn't care to look back.. I need wisdom. I need maturity. I need words. Please someone give me words.

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3 Comments

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Liyah - posted on 08/02/2011

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Be well aware of your instincts they may be trying to tell you something but don't feel like a bad mum cos you're aren't, you are completely human some can handle the responsibilities of parenthood some can't. You are right in saying I would not willingly send my daughter with someone I knew had caused her pain but in saying that I can't shield her or shelter her from all the real hurts that she may come across, Infact i'll need to equip my daughter with knowledge of course this is only my opinion hun so take what you want from it, There is absolutely no judgement from me and by all means msg me if you need someone just to vent or help get you through rough times.

Amalie - posted on 08/01/2011

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As I was in the thick of things trying to understand what had happened myself and trying to ease my daughter's pain I would always say to myself "He hasn't taken everything, I still have her" As he drove away with her this morning, my motherly instict caused me to physically wretch. Only a monster could walk away from a child he raised for 10 years. It is unnatural at this point for me to be comfortable that she will be safe. You would never send your child away with someone who caused them pain - why am I allowing this? I need strength to get through this week. This doesn't feel right.

Liyah - posted on 07/31/2011

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I can somewhat relate to you, maybe not completely and fully but I understand where you're coming from and where you're daughter is coming from, Coming from my own experiences I was raised by my mum for 5 yrs then my dad for 5yrs until the courts believed I was of age to choose which parent I wished to live with if you're wondering where this is going basically my mum never once said bad things about my dad although there were many things she could have said she held her tongue, I am thankful for her doing that because I found out myself what my father was like, I now have a 3yr old daughter and am a solo mum due to my carelessness and choice in companion, my daughters father does not believe she is his but I do let her know that he loves her very much, sometimes I worry that he'll decide to walk back into our lives, acknowledge she is his take the dna test and then because my daughter has been craving a father that I will lose her to this drug f**** guy who can't look after himself let alone a child so the best advice I could give you would be trust yourself and what you've instilled in your child she may make mistakes and treat you like s*** but in the end she'll grow to see you as the bigger person if you keep a positive aspect in regards to your ex put personal feelings toward him aside.

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