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I need to stop hating my child's father, how can I?

Niki - posted on 02/05/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hey single mom's I recently broke up with my cheating ex and we have a 4 year old son together. I hate him for everything that has happened and for abandoning me all during our relationship (the cheating) and then abandoning me when we broke up. My son keeps saying how much he loves his dad, he keeps asking if daddy doesn't like us anymore and keeps asking me when when is daddy coming home (even through I have tired to explain to him that his dad doesn't live with us anymore; his father would rather me tell him he's at work) and each time my son is saying these things or questions me i hate my ex even more. I mean he come around to take my son to school and takes him,on his weekends but I feel like he just walked away from us and barley looks back at us once in a while. What is your advice for 1. helping my son deal with this new family structure ( I keep wondering what's going through his mind that he doesn't tell me) 2. stop hating him so much

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Michelle - posted on 02/07/2012

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"Just because mommy and daddy don't live together doesn't mean we both don't love you" is the answer I got as a child. Do not follow in with your ex's plan that he's "at work" that is just confusing because kids are smarter than that.

It is good that your ex still shows up, takes your son on his time.

As for stopping the hate - you loved this man so hate is a fairly natural response to the end of that. It will take you some time. If you've got friends you can invite over for some serious male bashing when needed do so. Getting it off your chest in a safe way allows you to not show that anger when your son is asking about him.

I still believe in the power of song - I sang about every breakup song in the world when I was on my commute (before I picked up my daughter) or on weekends when she was with her dad so that I don't say those feelings in front of her. And over time, the pain, and with it the hate, lessened. It does take time. Good luck!

Sandy - posted on 02/07/2012

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Unfortunately he is your son's father and will always be a part of his life, so you have to come to terms with that fact and somehow be civil to him especially in front of your son. You know he is a cheating no good for nothing, but his son shouldn't have to know that. When he is older he will know soon enough, but for now, everything should be calm and reassuring, especially letting him know that both of his parents love him and always will.

Michelle - posted on 02/05/2012

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First off you need to tell your son that daddy and mommy aren't getting along so daddy has his own place now so mommy and daddy don't fight. Reassure him that his daddy still loves him and that he has not done anything wrong to make daddy go away. Do your best to be civil with his father when he is there to get him and encourage your little one to have fun with daddy. It is not easy being the bigger person but you need to be for your son. As for the hating him it does get easier with time.

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