"I really need advice right now"

Noemi - posted on 01/07/2011

Let him go. Sending you Love, sista

Noemi - posted on 01/07/2011

Don't chase him, let him go. He is a loser who doesn't deserve you or your son. Believe me, you are doing your self and your baby no good by chasing him.Take it from someone who tried for three years, and who has spoken to other Moms about this very thing, other Moms further down the track who say it is better for your Baby to not have anything to do with the Dad rather than feel constantly rejected by him if he behaves this way. Some men really need to grow up. Ultimately, it is their loss. You are a Mama now, very much needed in good shape to raise your boy. This guy will only bring you down and harm your self esteem, which will take energy away from your son and your life.
Sending you love, sista

23guera - posted on 01/03/2011

@ courtney I ended up taking your advive on New Years day. Right after midnight I text him didnt say much just that I had nothing against him but in this life what goes around comes around & that I hope if he ever decided to see his son that hopefully it wont be too late. I kept it short. & he textd me back on sunday morning since then we been talking & yeah you were right he was scared how to act & how to comfront the situation especially since he wasnt thru the pregnancy. He said he had a lot of going on & of course that wasnt an excuse now he changed a lot n for the better he has a great job & has accomplished a lot in this last couple of months. He said he always though of me & his son he always though of lookin for me at my parents house but was scared. Now he thanks me every time for me looking for him, he ready to be a father & wants for us to work out whatever we need & be a family. I'm glad I took your advice at the end.

Jennie - posted on 01/03/2011

Live your life and raise your son. Don't run after this man. If you force the issue you could end up with this guy trying to take your son away from you. If he really doesn't want anything to do with the baby then just leave him alone. It could save you a lifetime of lawyers, judges and custody agreements. Having a baby with someone is a lifelong commitment, but it can also be a nightmare. Trying to engage this guy when he is not interested could be the biggest mistake you have ever made.

Katherine - posted on 01/02/2011

It is the hardest position to be in. Let him come to the child. Don't force a relationship because no father is better than a bad father. Make sure he knows he can see the child, but needs to pay child support if he is going to see him. Never bad mouth the father to the child and then the child will not resent you. I always tell my child he is the best part of his father, that his father lives him, and that his father's issues have nothing to do with the child, my son. I constantly tell him that it us not about him, my son, and it us his father's issues and he is working on them. I do not give my son false hope. I am honest to a point, only so it doesn't hurt my son. I keep his father I'n his life under the supervision of his parents only and that is minimal. Just enough do he sees him every now and then. That is enough for my son and he is happy with just me. I constantly tell my son what a great kid he is and how much I love him. He knows I will nit lie to him so he has complete trust in me. This is so important because he gas heard he father lie and scream. We talk our issues out and if I get upset and raise my voice too loud, I apologize. The last time he saw his father, I told the father he had to apologize to his son first and you should have seen the smile on my sons face. He jumped up, hugged his father. And told him, " thank you." Now, has it happened again? Yes, but my son and I talk about how his daddy us working on it. Also, we discuss that it might never stop, but how my son should not copy it. He started doing this before and that was why I had his dad tell him it wasvwtong before he could see him. Love your child , be honest, and that is all the control you have; your actions and not the fathers. Good luck and God bless!!'
And God bless!!

Pamela - posted on 01/02/2011

Don't give that loser another thought. You could ask him to see the baby, but he is obviously not a responsible or respectful man. Find a father figure for you son to look up to for a model and your son will have all he needs. The last thing you need is him popping in and out whenever he feels like it and breaking the baby's heart. Ditch him and change your #. You deserve and will find someone who loves you and your son better and in the end your son will respect you for it. You are your son's advocate - and HE does not deserve this dead beat for a dad.

Claudia - posted on 01/02/2011

wow reading your story i fet like you were repeating what i went through, I understand excatly and honestly i regret having tried so hard to have my daughters dad in the pic. I was the same since day one i didnt want him, but I thought that regardsless of our relationship the baby had nothing to do with it and I tried so hard and so much that ynow we hate each other and things are worse than what they would of been. my advice to you is that, its clearly that he doesnt care, but you have to atleast give it one try and if you see that things are still the same at least you can say that you tried and you wont ever feel that "guilt" of not trying. But dnt over do it.. you cant force someone to care when they dnt. i would be the same as you.. why can he jst call and ask about her? always askn why why why!? but honestly jst dnt give it to much thought he will sooner or later realize he made a big mistake and when your lil one is older then you will find the way to let him know that you were always available and willing to have his dad be a pat of his life and the rest his dad can eplain not you... sorry if this is too much but i really hope things work out!

Crystal - posted on 01/01/2011

@Erica - age has never been any indication of maturity. I'm 35 and have still yet to meet a truly mature single male around my own age... and I've been divorced about 10 years now. I have also found I can eliminate sad prospects by asking three questions in that time...

1. Do you have a job?
2. Do you have your own mode of transport?
3. Do you live with one or both parents or do they supplement your income in anyway?

If ANY of the answers are No/No/Yes for those questions, walk away before you even get past the get-to-know-you part. Saves a ton of trouble

Lynn - posted on 01/01/2011

You don't need this man in your life stressing you out over things.He know's he has a son,he know's where you live and has your number. if all that and the fact his friends have been telling him to see his son has made no difference then why bother?
Just keep doing what you are doing, love and care for your son and yourself, that is more than enough to deal with for now.
If you have photo's of him to show your child or anything that will be useful later, keep it in a box,if there are court papers etc, keep copies in the box, never say anything negative about your ex when your son could hear and when your son is older you can show him the stuff in the box, show him his fathers photo, tell him what you can about the man, he will know it is not you keeping his daddy away from him.
You have males in your family who I am sure can be good role models for your son.
Don't involve the grandpparents on his side, you might open another can of worms. What if they are a pain in the butt? If they go to court for access to their grandchild, do you want to be tied to that for 18 years?
If the daddy ever grows up which looks unlikely right now, then he can come find you, but don't invite trouble,you have enough on your plate already raising a child in the world we live in these days.

Katie - posted on 12/31/2010

My own daughter was 3 months old when her dad and I separated. I started out by letting him see her for a cpl hours on Friday evenings. He was great at first, always waiting for her and excited to spend the time with her. A doting father. Then he came to me and asked if we could switch the day because it was keeping him from going out which was something new he started doing after we broke up. I told him that would be fine and that I appreciated him being honest with me and continuing the effort to see our daughter. I started bringing her over on Saturday evenings. Well that didnt work for him either so we made it every other Saturday so he could go out drinking with the boys. Then I started bringing her over to his house and had to kick the beer cans out of the way to get to the door. I would check his condition before leaving my child with him. If he was hung over I took her home. After taking her back home several times I finally told him when he grew up and quit the party life and wanted to be a real father he could let me know until then stay away. He let me know, "she'll be 18 one day" and walked out of her life. She was 5 months old at the time. She is now 81/2. This past September I told her about him for the first time. She was shocked yet excited to know she had another daddy (my husband had raised her as his own for 8 yrs) She asked if she could meet him so I kept her home from school the next day and started making phone calls. We found him that night and he met her the next day at a local park. He actually thanked me for what I had done in keeping her away. Said I had done the right thing by her that he wasn't mature enough at the time to help raise her. He started out calling her every day and coming over every day. Then it slowed to a cpl days and a call every once in a while. Now we are at not seeing him for a week or two at a time and if she text him he will some times text back. I try to be as honest with her as best I can. When she ask if he is coming I tell I don't know that all we can do is call and ask and the rest is up to him. I make sure she sees me putting in the effort for them to have a relationship and I let him take the blame for not being the father he should be. I'm a firm believer in having two loving parents is the best way, but that way unfortunately doesn't happen that often any more. Having one loving parent can absolutely be enough for a child. They are going to face so many trials in there lives so why add to it by forcing a bad parent to be a part of them?

Kasie - posted on 12/31/2010

Honestly, I say forget about the dad. He obviously doesn't want to be a part of your son's life and you also don't want him in and out of his life if he doesn't want to. I think it would hurt your son more to have him in and out. I don't have my son's dad in the picture either. If your son's dad wants to be there he will come and talk to you like you said.

23guera - posted on 12/30/2010

Omg girls thanks for all the advice I seriously dont have ppl I can talk about this since I become pregnant lost contact w most of my close girls they know my baby daddy & are close to him too. So I rather kept myself away from them.

@ Courtney & Misty No I havent tried getting contact with baby daddy at all. He knows the baby is here so I think it has to come from him to look for his son but also deep inside tells me to look for him. Because later in life I dont want my child to be like "oh you didnt do nothing for my dad to be around" you know what I mean but then again why do it if nothing is going to change. I still believe he needs to do the effort & look for his son. Even though theres times deep down inside of me just wants to pick up the phone & call him but I know at the end I need to let it go.

@ Crystal You know what he actually 31yrs old. I would think he all grown up & all. I mean 24yrs old so I though he would be there since he older plus he lost him mother in a young age. So I would think he would want for his son to have both parents since he just has his father but I guess I'm all wrong about that.

@Shirley From what I know baby daddys family dont know about my son. That's something I had spoken to my mom when my son was born if I should contact his family & let them know about my son but my mom told me no if the father dont want him then why would the grandparents. I asked her if my brother would of been in my babys daddy situation would of she want to know she has a grandchild my brother dont want to be responsible for..of course she said yes she would want to know about her grandkid. So I told her there you see & she like no but not you. So I just left it like that. Should I get in contact w my baby's grandfather? Also he dont know me. My baby's daddy & I kept our relationship between us & friends but didnt wanted to get into meeting family. Plus I just had about a yr broken up w my ex of 5yrs relationship & didnt want to bring another guy to my family I though it was too soon. & he also taught it was too soon. So idk if his family knows about the baby & if they do idk what he told them about me.

@ Quita Thanks. I do pray every day & night for my baby & I. I'm just scared of how he be when he grows up. I'm the first single mother in both my mom's & dad's family so Idk how its going to be w my son just having a one parent. I'm doing my best & givin him all the love and attention he needs. Sometimes my sister thinks I over do it w my son givin him too much attention but I just think my sis kids have both parents my son doesnt, I feel I have to be there for him more since his father aint around.

Misty - posted on 12/30/2010

I was in a situations like this, I think you should try to contact him and see what happends, so at least , you can always say I tried, if your son askes questions when he grows up, But follow your heart do what your hearts telling you Happy Holidays !!!!!

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2010

@Courtney... if there is one thing that we women tend to be insanely guilty of.... is trying to make a rotten combination work. You're not going to make a guy transform to a respectable father figure by sticking a baby into their face... in fact, it normally has quite the opposite reaction. He is aware of he parental status and thus far has made no motion to behave as one, walk away.

Courtney - posted on 12/30/2010

well my advice to u is; first, do u feel like u have tried enough? if u havent try a little harder. try bringing the baby to him, maybe he is scared enough to where he is afraid to be around his son. u will only find out the truth when u are infront of him and i will tell u like this, if that was me and i brought my son to him so they can meet, if he dont show anything to his son and acts likes he dont care, then that would be the final straw. u tried enough now its his turn. If he truly wants his son to be on his life he is the one that needs to try not u, a mother can only do so much. good luck

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2010

You know what I'm hearing? Your friend is trying to make a happily-ever-after sitcom situation for you and your son's father... truly, its none of her business. I understand we bff's love to make things awesome for one another, but she needs to butt out in this one.



As for baby daddy... gee, I'm hearing drunk, middle-of-the-night phone calls, here one minute, gone the next, immature emotional development and all round spoiled brat... yeah, I'm thinking that is not the makings of a worthwhile dad. The one who will REALLY have to pay for this is your son. Give your son the chance of being a better man by not flaunting the POS who makes up the other half of his DNA as being his "future." You set a standard of the quality of people who will be in your child's life by dismissing this from it, that is what is called a good instinct.



I have a similar type of BD in our life. He wanted to be a dad after my girl was born, it went from steady interaction to none over 4 years, so now she misses him terribly. I wish very much that I had just told her he was dead and and left it at that. I just felt I had to give him that chance. Now she sometimes cries herself to sleep.



Your BD isn't going to be growing up anytime soon and you have the right to make high demands of his behavior and personal situation (job, clean and sober for at least a year, steady payments, no stupid calls, including the bootie kind, a clear goal of the future)... you know, someone you'd actually LIKE your kid to know and call dad. Mind you, this has NOTHING to do with your relationship with your son's father. That ship has sailed.



You gut is telling you what you need to do, stop listening to the external noise and trust in that.

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2010

You know what I'm hearing? Your friend is trying to make a happily after sitcom situation for you and truly... its none of her business. I understand we bffs love to make things awesome for one another, but she needs to butt out in this one.

As for baby daddy... gee, I'm hearing drunk middle-of-the-night phone calls, here one minute, gone the next, immature emotional development, and all round spoiled brat... yeah, I'm thinking that is not the makings of a worthwhile dad. And the one who will REALLY have to pay for this is your son. Give him the chance of being a better man by not flaunting the POS who makes up the other half of his DNA and being his "future." You set a standard of the quality of people who will be in your child's life by dismissing this from it, that is what is called a good instinct.

I have a similar type of BD in my own life. He wanted to be a dad after my girl was born, it went from steady interaction to none over 4 years, so now she misses him terribly. I wish very much that I had just told her he was dead and and left it at that. I just felt I had to give him that chance. Now she sometimes cries herself to sleep.

Your BD isn't going to be growing up anytime soon, and you have the right to make high demands of his behavior and personal situation (job, clean and sober for at least a year, steady payments, no stupid calls, including the bootie kind, a clear goal of the future)... you know, someone you'd actually LIKE your kid to know.

You gut is telling you what you need to do, stop listening to the external noise and trust in that.

Debra - posted on 12/30/2010

Guess I will add an older moms perspective. I am a single mom, my youngest didnt get to know his dad till he was almost 10 years old. Even though his older brother got picked up by their dad every weekend.
Some men can't deal with children, especially a child with special needs.
Some men are just kids. They have to grow up themselves before they can try to be a Dad. My youngest is almost 16, he and I have alot of fun doing stuff usually a dad would do with his son. Like the day he told me he wanted to buy a truck. He asked me to take him over to see the guy who had the truck for sale. He acted so grown up when he was talking with the man. He talked himself into a really sweet deal for a great 1st set of wheels. It was so emotional for me to watch, and something I am sure his dad wishes now he had been there for.

Never speak badly about the baby's daddy, no matter how young the baby is, no matter how much you don't like him anymore. If you have photos of the dad make sure to show it to the baby and teach them who that photo is of.

Always be hopeful that one day the child and their dad will get to know each other. It will be up to the dad then to explain why he didn't step up and be a man when he should have.
Sometimes all that work us women do to try to get the dad's to step up doesn't work. BUT it is not right to block the child from getting to know them.
Yes if you can file for support do it. Even if he doesn't see the child he is responcible to help take care of them.

I wish you much love and offer my support on your journey into motherhood

Shirley - posted on 12/29/2010

Hi Eryn. I appreciate your reply. Thanks for considering my suggestion as a possible solution for the situation at hand. Unfortunately this happens to often in the lives of children. I tend to be more solution oriented and focus my energy on "how we can make it work for all" versus how to make it work selfishly.

Of course based on an individual's perspective this could be arguable. However, for me it is not because I grew up not knowing my father, his people or just learning about who I am being complete. Regardless to how unfit the mother may feel the father is based on his behavior, the child is still entitled to know this side of his family. It's really deep because this child will later grow up and have children and so forth. Someone has to break the cycle or be sure the cycle doesn't begin at all cost.
Realistically, iIt's not about the parent any longer, its truly about the child and this is why I suggested supervised visitation, if necessary or required. Apparently the father was suitable for the mother prior to her becoming pregnant. Boys/young men who have not been taught or made to be responsible tend to run from responsibilities. Girls/young women are forced to step up to the plate if they are going to become a "great/good" mother for their child. Besides he also showed some emotions of being connected when she announced her pregnancy and especially when she said she was birthing a son. Its definitely not fair to the mother for his lack of involvement during pregnancy. Only he can be in account for his actions/decisions and not the mother.

I suggest the mother never gives the father an "out" by preventing him from seeing his child. Its obvious this young guy recognize he has a responsibility but perhaps don't know how to deal with it. I am only suggesting Erica be the adult in the situation for the betterment of her son. Prayerfully, one day the father steps up to the plate and be responsible for his son. When someone feels or think they are being pushed away or felt like they are forced into a situation they tend to flight. I am sure you are aware of the "fight or flight".

Let me clarify that I am NOT IN THE DEFENSE of the father, but I am about adults coming together reasoning for the benefit of the child. YES, it is key to have a positive role model in our son's life; however, no one can replace the father. Allow the child to grow up and make his or her decision without the influence of mom. This is a huge task to ask of someone but it is truly the adult way. We too as mothers also have our fault.

What I hear is a young woman hurting wanting to connect her son with his father and uncertain how. I am not advocating her to chase him down. What I would also like to ask is, "does the father's family have any involvement in the child's life?" I hope the grandmother/grandfather, aunts, uncles, and other relatives have the opportunity to interact and be apart of his life.

Finally, I suggest that the people who are not empowering her, making her feel good about herself, her child or anything unproductive she keep them out of her life. Misery does love company so she might consider changing her circle. Moms let them go and discover who they are without judgment. We must learn to enjoy and absorb life without stress.

Again, I appreciate the dialogue. It is so important that we are connecting as women with challenges and issues seeking to find reliable solutions. Cheers

Angela - posted on 12/29/2010

Let me ask you something. Why would you want to have someone in your child's life that acts like that? The child will feel that he/she isn't wanted by that person and I would think that would be worse than not knowing him at all. The father obviously has no interest in seeing the baby and being a part of his/her life. I don't know why your friend is seeming so insistent on you pursuing him. But if all your information is the same and he still isn't contacting you, then I would say let it go. You and the baby don't need that kind of negative energy in your lives. Raising a baby on your own is hard enough much less adding unneeded stress like this. I know it's hard when you want the child to have both parents. But if both parents are happy where they can provide the child with a happy, loving supportive home, then the child is going to learn from that and become that way as an adult. Be happy with your bundle of joy and give him/her as much love as you can for the both of you. Trust me, your baby will thank you later for it.

Quita - posted on 12/29/2010

Baby girl you are not alone. I was with my childs father for 7 yrs and he left when i was 8 month pregnant. for the first few weeks I tried to reach out, but after that baby I just prayed to God that I could make it on my own. In my case her daddy came back to me when she was 3 and when i tell you the guilt was eating him alive. If he's young he has to grow up first. If he doesn't God has it all in control.

Eryn - posted on 12/29/2010

@Shirley- I feel that your comment may be arguable... Is it not more important to have positive male role models around our sons, not just fathers who are uninterested or unsafe for our sons to be around. Erica at the end of the day its his loss... to chase a man to be a father is just not worth doing... as this man seems to be the type of father that would just pop in and out if forced, which is completely unfair. I am a single mother of a 3 yr old boy and he doesnt know or remember his father at all. However my son has the best male role models in his life and would never need a man like his father (who cant even be called a man). At the end of the day all you can to is raise your boy to be a better man than his father will ever be. Follow your heart and your head and you and your son will pull through just fine

23guera - posted on 12/28/2010

Katherine Thanks. & yeah that's what I'm planing to do from today on just let it be whatever if he will come around or he wont I aint going to do nothing to look for him. I just dont want for him to one day decide to come around but just when ever he wants & be coming in & out of the baby's life when ever he feels like it. Btw, thanks.

23guera - posted on 12/28/2010

@ Shedonna & you know what thats why when he started calling me in the middle of the night when I was pregnant I knew he was going to be playin games thats why I told him not to call me at all unless it was for the baby. & even before that I had told him already if he was going to be around to b there or not to be at all. Right now I'm in the process of the child court & thats what I'm scare of that w the child support he will probaly will come around to see the baby but just once in a while whenever he wants & thats something I dont want. Bcuz thats only going to hurt my son. I'm hoping that by him not being around will help a lot in court but then again idk if he will show up.

Shirley - posted on 12/26/2010

Ladies having father's in the lives of our sons is very important. However, there are times when this has to occur through supervised visitation or a venue that best suit the needs of the child. I would suggest that you consider what type of relationship your son's father has with his son on terms that is healthy for the child first and foremost. Of course, your well-being is significant and also important. It is apparent based on your discussion that the father has no desire or interest in you.

Hannah suggest that you let him go and I agree that you should let him go; however, let him be the father on his terms. Be sure to file for your child support because it is his responsibility to take care of his son. If you don't need or require the money then put it in a savings account for your son's future education or assisting him when you are unable to do so financially.

It is unfortunate that you have to deal with this issue from this perspective. Yet it is really great that you are seeking assist and support to help you make healthy decisions concerning your child. I bid you much success. The final thing I want to point out is be responsible for your son through making decisions with clarity. Get proper support and always go forth pursuing your dreams to support your son to the best of your ability. Be the adult in this situation despite his actions. You are in my prayers.

Katherine - posted on 12/26/2010

If I read your post correctly, it said he knew you had a boy and you live in the same place as when he used to to call you at three in the morning drunk. The answer to your son in the future is simple, "i told him about you and he knew where we lived. I know he would have loved you, but was probably scared to death because he couldn't handle it." This sound like the truth from your email. Never, no matter how nad the father is, put down a child's father to them. Also, if he doesn;t come around on his own, don;t force him because it will make things touger on you and your son, I speak from experience where the parents are forceing the father to, not me, and it has made it so much harder the last few years. Things are so much better when he isn't trying to our son to his parent's house so he can get what he wants from his parents. The father made my son scared this Christmas by trying to do this. Also, remember that once you force him to be with his son and it is filed at the court, it is almost impossible to change it. Almost every therapist will tell you that it is better to not have a father than a bad, or uniunterested, one. Use your time and energy to give your child the love he so craves and he will be fine with you. My son was and didn't start having issues untill his Dad came around. Good luck!!! Giod Bless!!

Shedonna - posted on 12/25/2010

I actually just went through a similar situation and the reality is that my son's father pops in and out of his life and I hate it. He pays child support and that is pretty much it. I have accepted that I will be raising my baby by myself and I am okay with that. His contacting me when ever he feels like it does nothing but alter my mood and ruin my day so I really dont communicate with him at all. When my son's father grows up when ever that is he can try to reconnect then but I don't have time for the BS. I think your on the right track just do you and raise your baby.

23guera - posted on 12/23/2010

Thanks Hannah..your so right, I need to let it go. I really needed that a lot, I feel much better especially coming from some one than went thru a similiar situation. I appreciate it a lot.

Hannah - posted on 12/23/2010

Let him go. you cannot make him be a father. the truth of the matter is, he knows your number, he knows where you live, he knows he has a son. AND HE DOESN'T CARE!

My babies father is the same way, we were even married. My son is now three, it has been a year and half since he has seen him. it is tough, I thought I knew this man, I married this man.

It is incomprehensible to me, I would move mountians for my son. How hard is it to call? but that is me, and he is him.

And today, I am much much better off. I have a wonderful boyfriend who adores my son, and calls him everynight to say goodnight (we do not live together). This man will be ten times the father to my son that his biological sperm donor of a dad is.

So - let it go. in the spirit of the holidays, instead, allow yourself to forgive him for being not the man you want him to be, and accept the situation for what it is.