I want to leave my boyfriend

Amber - posted on 02/02/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hey, well my baby is 4 months old. Me and my partner have been living together since I was 4 months pregnant I was only 17 at the time. As soon as we moved in together I wanted to leave and find somewhere else on my own, I was counting down until I was 18 so I could get my own place because he is so lazy, I was getting up at 5am getting ready for work and cleaning up the mess he'd left from the night before and then i'd leave at 6 to get to work for 7. My boyfriend would be at home until 11 sometime 12 and then start work when i'g get home at 4 the flat would be a mess, so i'd clean up again and cook dinner for when he was due home. Then once he'd finished the plate would just be left on the side for me to once again clean up. When my baby was a week old I spoke to him about it because I just couldnt take it anymore and he said he would change, he didnt. I tried again when he was 2 months again nothing has changed although i'm not working at the moment our baby is a 24/7 job he doesnt help with him or the cleaning, i get really lonely when he's at work but I hate it when hes here too. I want to leave so much I'm going to talk to him tonight, I just can't handle it anymore. But am I just going to feel more lonely?



I don't even know what i'm going to say to him to night, I know he wont leave i'll have to be the one to find somewhere to live.

He also has a 6 year old from a previous relationship he comes round most weekend but when he's here I feel like i'm left to look after him aswell"

Please help! I don't know what to say to let him no it is over and I can't do it anymore

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Mimi - posted on 02/02/2010

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Hi. I just wanted to take a minute to answer you because I went through the leaving process as well. Although there are some differences in our two situations, in the end you know what's right for you and what's right for your son. I'm not going to tell you it's easy and better, because there will be days that you question if you did the right thing. It does get lonely, but that's when you have to turn to friends and family, even other mommies to be a support system for you. Make sure you find a great babysitter so that you can have the occasional night out as an adult. It's not easy juggling work and baby, but it can be done and is done my millions of single mommies everywhere. I live each day knowing that leaving was the best decision I ever made. His father was not a good example and I would never want my son to pick up the same habits. You know now through your experience with your son's father what you do and do not want in a relationship. Be aware of that and be aware that everything you do, every decision you make does in some way, shape, or form affect your son.



As for the conversation to have with your boyfriend, you have to be completely up front about your feelings, give examples of the poor habits, tactfully remind him of how many times you've asked him to help out and how many times he's agreed to change, but that it never happens. It may help to write down what you want to say. Look over it and make sure it's all clearly written that way you can communicate everything you need to say before you make the final decision to leave. He may not take your decision to leave seriously, and may "play nice" for a few days or even weeks to pacify you. Just be prepared. You know what you want to do ultimately. Please contact me if you do need to talk. My heart is really going out to you and the situation you are in. Good luck love.

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Senobia - posted on 02/07/2010

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When the fear of things staying the same is greater than the fear of change, you will make your move. Not before. You're worried about being "more lonely" - baby, what is he doing for you that you can't do for yourself? That you having been doing by yourself? What is he doing now that's making you any less lonely? He's just an extra body in your way..eating your food, messing up your house, and causing you grief. You've been working...doing household stuff...and minding the baby - alone. Tell me again what his function around there is? Feeling lonely with someone feels a hell of a lot worse than feeling lonely alone.



You can do bad by yourself, love. And there is no point in dragging 200lbs of useless behind you. Go on with your life and raise the kind of man every woman dreams of instead of having your son grow up seeing a man show such blatant disregard for the family he created.

Amanda - posted on 02/06/2010

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hey,
I know how you feel i had fo fig out the same thig the only differance was things were realy bad with me. i tried to leave but he cried so i had to stay cuz i felt bad but that only lasted till the baby came. but to answer you, you have to do what is best for you and that baby and if leaving is best then just tell him that it is not working and try to leave on good turms but if that dont work he has to leave sometime just be gone beor he gets back that sound mean but sometimes you have to do what you have to do telling the father of my baby i was leaving was the hardest thing i ever had to do and was verry sadc for a long time but its the best thig i could have done me and my baby are a lot better off alone you can do it and you will be fine you have my support

Jo - posted on 02/06/2010

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Hi Amber
Sorry to say this, but i don't think he is gonna change, im a single mum and have been 10 years, im not gonna say its easy, because its not, im lucky in the fact i still get on with ex. Tell him he either changes or he as to go, you should not be the one to go. give him a time limit and stick to it, tell him what you want and what you need him to do. Good luck and just think about whats best for you and your son.

Mimi - posted on 02/04/2010

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Hi Amber- Just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going? Did you have the opportunity to talk to him yet? Hope you are well.



♥, Mimi

Karen - posted on 02/04/2010

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Same here i have been through the same situation. Look at it this way, if you do everything around the house, work and pay mostly the bills. Then might as well be by yourself. You seem more mature and more independent than him. And like you mentioned if he is not around his other child, then he has no interest in kids. Your son needs a role model not a bum hanging around. I have 3 kids. I just recently left my ex boyfriend because he did not want to work, nor did he want to progress in life. I have a son with him. And he 2 yrs old and guess what: he talks back at me, he hits me and thinks that it is ok. Its not. Your child does not need that kind of influence . So if you feel you need to leave him. I think its the best you can do. There are two options in life: "you become a better person" or "you don't" . Simple as that!

Mimi - posted on 02/02/2010

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@ Elizabeth- I agree with you about the lonliness. I still have my days when I feel so lonely (and I left him a year ago) but you are absolutely right... I felt alone when I was with him too. No help at home, he didn't work, I pulled 16 hourdays at work only to come home and have to try and care for my son, attempt to clean, and cook, while he lived the luxurious life of a "stay at home dad" (as he liked to call it) and enjoyed having friends over and partying while I practically killed myself to keep our little family afloat. I have NO regrets whatsoever about leaving him. I just regret not doing it sooner (we were together for almost 8 years- baby was born toward the end of that he is now 2 yrs. old). I was too scared to be on my own for so long, but my childs' well being and future is what drove me to make the change.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/02/2010

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been there done that.in my situation i worked midnight shift and had to sleep when the kids slept.wich wasnt aften, they were 1 & 3.my ex would come home from work and bring his friends and leave me with no sleep so he could 'hang out' with his buds.once again i had the kids and cooked dinner for EVERYONE, bathed kids, cleaned up everyone's dinner mess, put kids to bed and then got ready for work...no help-none what-so-ever!i stayed to the point where to even look at him disgusted me,i couldnt even hold a civil conversation with him,and our sex life was non-exsistant.then i left and never looked back.i was so lonely and felt so alone afterwards but now that i look back, i felt that way living with him too.

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