Is it horrible if I think my son is better off without his father?

Abigail - posted on 08/19/2010 ( 75 moms have responded )

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Am I the only one who feels this way...everyone says how much they think their children need a father figure. I am a mother of a 21 month old son, my husband cheated on me after 3 years of marriage. After my son was born he changed...working a lot, didn't want to spend time with us...his son wasn't important enough to him. Now that I have moved out and filed for divorce, he is making my life hell wanting to see my son all the time. He went through all the trouble of filing a court order for visitation, and yet didn't show up for 90% of the days. He is mad at me for not forgiving him. My son didn't really know who he was before the separation...he actually see's his father more now. But his father is irresponsible, immature, and in no way is a "Father". My son views him as a playmate. Im allowing him to visit our son under my supervision (because he showed up drunk to one of his visits). I just hate that my son cares even though he is so young..and my ex couldn't care less...he is doing it just to irritate me. Is it horrible to really believe my son would be better off with out his father? I know it will never happen cause the courts don't believe that...according to them a father just has to be good enough ( I don't agree with that at all). How do I get over it and deal, especially if I have to for the next 17 or more years of my sons life?

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Wordwork - posted on 09/21/2010

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Ladies, I totally sympathize with all the sad "dad" situations I have read here. I am now a grandmother, but I went through some of the same issues you are experiencing many years ago, and I was fortunate to have a very good family law attorney and a sympathetic female judge. I learned some things that I would like to pass on: 1) If your ex does not pay child support, you DO NOT HAVE TO ALLOW VISITATION, period. 2) If he has EVER been physically or verbally abusive, you can petition the court to SEVER his parental rights. 3) If you document instances in which he puts your children in danger or causes them emotional distress; i.e., showing up drunk, not showing up on time for pick-ups/drop-offs, not showing at all, leaving them unsupervised, exposing them to drugs, weapons, shady company, taking them places not suitable for children, etc...petition the court to supervise visitation or prohibit it altogether. 4) If your child is AFRAID of the parent, there is usually a reason, and you should meet with the court social worker and the judge to TERMINATE visitation and/or parental rights. 5) If you feel your ex's family should be involved, you can work out a visitation arrangement with them, through the court, that does not involve the father. 6) Get therapy for yourself and your children. Most family courts provide this free of charge or for a nominal fee. If your attorney is not helping you work out these issues, you need to find another one, I PROMISE it will be a worthy investment in the future of your family. Don't "just get over it and deal." There's a reason you are not with this person any longer and just because you had sex with them does not give them the right to inflict mental and emotional damage on your children or you for the rest of your lives. Best of luck, stay strong, find help and use it to your advantage!

Mike - posted on 02/02/2013

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Ok, I am a Dad, I have shared parenting rights with my ex for my son. I understand that there are bad fathers out there. I will agree with that. I used to hold a lot of respect for single mothers when I was younger until I started to meet a few. I found that when talking to them and listening to their stories, that they made lots of there decisions based on their relationships with the father not the child's relationship with the father when it comes to visitation. My ex tried to leave the state with my son. I was fortunate to stop all that because I filed for visitation rights and finally got what I think what is best for my son. My ex thought my son would be better far away from me so she could could go to college for free. Now when he is with me for 3 to 4 days a week she doesn't even call to talk to him and he doesn't ask to call her, but does when he is at her house. I think that a majority of moms just want total control of how and what their kids do after separation, and sometimes because of them feeling hurt or betrayed clouds their decision making. I agree that sometimes not having a parent in the kids life is the proper thing to do but most times it is not. You may think that it is ok, but I believe in the long run the child must learn that the parent is bad or good parent for themselves, When a child is not able to see the other parent it may be just as affecting to the child as seeing them. Having questions like "why can't I see my daddy" can damage them because the don't understand why. When moms decide Dad isn't the best for the kid on their own can be bad. Find outside help not other moms. Other moms can be great for insight but can be bitter. And we as father have it rough when trying to see our kids when we are good dads. I have seen lots of bad single moms that don't let the kids see their dads because they are bitter and hurt. DON'T let your burdens be your children's burdens.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/30/2013

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I feel the same way! No dad is better than a bad dad...The best thing I did was leave it all up to the dad. No texts/calls from me went a long way, once you show him that you dont want anything to do with him anymore and that he doesn't mean anything to you (Always hide how you really feel, even anger...tough, I know!) he will realize that he isn't hurting you anymore and will move on with his life and leave you two alone, most likely. Especially if he is trying to be in your sons life just to get under your skin, dont let him know that he still is, play it cool. I let it go on too long before i realized that he was never going to be a good, decent man for my boys to look up to, once i stopped caring he stopped coming. Thank god!

Renee - posted on 08/25/2010

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You need to get past your anger towards him and it will open doors. I know its hard but learning how to be friends again will be the best thing you could do for your son. Everybody forgets that you were friends before you were lovers. When the love stops the friendship doesn't have too. Don't be resentful or you will have a miserable life. And you can't live your life worrying about things that might happen. Sounds like your both young and apperently he was immature when you married him. Most men don't mature till they are in their thirties, so you had some control of that situation. You are both parents to your son so you both have to learn to communicate and get along for the rest of your lives. It can be so fun, don't let what happened between you and your ex take away from what you both have to look forward too...

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NOT AT ALL! every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child. If the parent can not teach, love or better than child in any way, is that truly a parent? Personally, I would not want my child around someone who could harm his development in any way

I dont think your wrong... unless its for spite lol

JR - posted on 08/14/2014

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I personally believe no dad is better than a bad dad. Remove the negativity from the child's life and move on.

April - posted on 04/26/2014

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ok I hear some people saying....he's not such a bad guy, at least he calls. Well, I'm sure that most of these dads have a mother or father around that would not abandom them whatsoever. My x lives with is mother, yet comes sporadically into their lives. All of them have cell phones. He doesn't call them. I gave my other kids between 10 and 14 a note that stated if you aren't going to talk to the oldest one 15 then don't come into the house. I decided that showing that I won't stand for a dysfunctional situation is the best of the worst of this situation. he calls sometimes 2 times in a week then goes 3 weeks without talking to them. He came over one time a month in feb. and march. he didn't see them at all for 2 months 2 years ago. it is driven by money that he has to give to me and he doesn't make a secret out of it. he won't even talk to me regarding the kids because i claimed all of them since he didn't pay for child c a r e last year. he never was there for us financially and I had the financial burden for 90% of the marriage. he almost made us homeless before I decided that this was enough so....yea he calls....at least they have a dad......

Becky - posted on 01/25/2014

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my baby dad smokes pot also and all of his roommates, he's fighting for unsupervised visits, but I don't want ppl smoking around my son but to a court he has 50/50 rights. I tried to bring this up but its not good enough for supervised visits, his dad also lives in Colorado.
Elizabeth ann- I think your advice was best one I came across through this site, from a perspective of a mom and not just a court system, but a honest opinion of what I believe most moms feel

Dawn - posted on 06/21/2013

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I have 10 month old, his dad and I called it quits. He smokes pot all day everyday and doesn't have to work. He wants me to find a job and apt. He'll keep baby while I work. I do not want to stay in Colorado I qant to move bakc home to tezas but feel quilty for taking dad away from son. Help!!!

Mary - posted on 02/09/2013

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I'm sorry to hear this but here's my advice. I told my sons father not to come around unless he is drug free (marijuana) many times I closed the door on his face, I know he loves our son. He passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago at the age of 32 and our son was 10 that was the hardest thing I ever had to do was telling him his father passed away. Had I known, I believe I would have let him spend more time with our son. No one has the right answer so go with your gut, I wish you the best!

Xiaoli - posted on 02/03/2013

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Elizabeth,

i feel sorry for you and your kids. if i were you i will do the same thing as you did, not answering his un-expected calls.

just be strong for yourself and for your kids, be happy. making a lot of friends for your kids.
let them feel in love all the time.

Mike - posted on 02/02/2013

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In some of the responses it seems that it is them being controlling or spiteful, when someone makes some bad choices, they do realize the mistakes and change. When you mentioned that he cheated on you it entered you being hurt. It came off as you not wanting to deal with the dad now that he is more interested in your child's life. And your child now talks about dad and excited to see him it hurts you more because he hurt you by cheating on you. You must remove that from your mind and let your child be happy and not get upset that the man that hurt you makes your child smile.It will make your life easier and for u to move on in life. Just because he is not the perfect dad doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to be in your sons life.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/02/2013

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I agree that most men are good fathers, but i'm not bitter or spiteful what so ever, I would love to have my boys have a dad to look up to but it was the opposite in my situation with the feelings, when i stopped caring he stopped coming. Now he calls every couple months and wants to see them, does that make me a bad person for just not answering? My boys are devastated once they realize he isn't coming back for awhile. I feel as any good mom would feel and that would be protect their children A lot of moms do let their feelings effect their decisions, but not all of us single moms are bitter and hateful, most of us just want whats best for our kids just like all of you good dads. There are bad moms and bad dads everywhere you turn, but i dont think any of those are on a blog discussing families/children and trying to help each other out.

Joseph - posted on 01/30/2013

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Not all men are created equal, Would love for all you people complaining walk a year in my shoes. I as a man am automatically called guilty by the system. My ex wife went to CPS and accused me of abusing my kids. My son was coloring on the window while standing on a window sill. I pulled him down from the window and he kicked something. I believe it was his dresser. CPS investigator never left his office and from talking to me and my son and my Ex and her daughter, I was guilty of abuse and lost all time with my kids. I used to have custody of my 2 boys and she had my daughter, I got a girl friend and guess she got jealous. I was supposed to go to California for christmas with my 2 boys due to my wife deciding that my daughter was going to go to her Mothers house for 3 days that way I would not be able to take her with me. I was in the CPS System for 18 months fighting for my kids. My parents who live in california have seen the boys prior to this about 10 times but before CPS they have seen my daughter 1 time in 7 years because my Ex does not want *her Daughter* going no where that my girlfriend and I will be going. I would do almost anything for my kids yet I have been through hell for them dealing with CPS and My Ex. I had to volunteer to have my rights as a father to be terminated by CPS before I they finally decided that I could finally have unsupervised visitation with my kids. Now a year and a half later I again have custody of my oldest son and she has my 2 youngest and I still have to fight to enjoy my kids. When I last went home I was allowed to take my youngest son but not the other 2 since it was out of state. So not all fathers are bad just that some fathers make all of us guilty of being insensitive by the few

Malorey - posted on 08/11/2012

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I believe that some men are incapable of being decent fathers. My son is 6 and his father has been in and out of prison his hole life. He is on drugs, no job, doesn't pay child support, and worst of all he is mean to him. Now even with all the bs I can't get his rights removed or limited because the state says a father has rights. Personally I moved 7 hours away from him to limit the contact as much as possible. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who is a great father. So now we limit phone calls but he doesn't call anyway. I wish u luck, its taken 2 years to get this easy. And its gonna be rough from now on.

Flower - posted on 07/06/2011

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I definitely know how you feel. I of course know that the father of my son isn't a very good role model of what I think a man should be like. I believe that I would be better off raising my son on my own without his father but I vowed to myself and for my sons sake that I wouldn't be the one to take him from his father that I would let it be their choice weather or not they want to see each other unless it effected his health, safety, well being, etc. Basically either my sons father decides he doesn't want to be there or make the effort or our or son one day becomes old enough to realize and see the person his father is and doesn't want to be around that. I myself was taken from my father when I was one and kept from him until I was 13 and he found out where my mother was living. I then learned for my self and saw threw my fathers pseudo and saw him for who he was and why my mother left. I think if our children are raised right and have good influences they will be able to weed out people who are immoral and no good. So weather or not you keep your child from their father or not is up to you I think your child will love you no matter what you choose to do.

Yalana - posted on 07/05/2011

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Lisa - I believe that if a child sees how strong mom is, that can make a big difference in how they act towards others. I didn't want my sons to think mom was too weak to leave their abusive father.

Taylor - while boys do need a role model in their lives, sometimes the proper "resource" isn't available. My boys are lucky to have my dad and brother anytime they need them, and my boyfriend has been wonderful with them. He doesn't have any sons of his own, but he is great with kids in general. He's firm, but not rough. Their father would constantly undermine any discipline I gave them. My boyfriend backs me up, and at first it surprised them. Now they know that when mom says, "No," she's got back-up enforcement. They're learning to respect that about him. They thought that mom's boyfriend was going to be another dad...boy were they mistaken! He has fun with them, but he teaches them about life. He follows the rules in the house, even though he helps to make them. My ex would say, "Don't worry about it...mom will take care of it later." Then he would blame me for allowing the kids to make a mess of the house. I was not born with a broom and dustpan in my hands, and it is not my sole purpose in life to follow my able-bodied kids around and clean up after them 24 hours a day. If their father does not see it on his own, he will be forced to see it one day that our boys are perfectly capable of independent thought and will call him out on his attitude.

Taylorinco - posted on 07/05/2011

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I believe that kids, especially boys, need a man in their life to show them how to be men. I'm sure you're an outstanding mom, but we moms just aren't "guys". That being said, that man doesn't have to be the boy's dad. It could be a grandfather, uncle, or someone you trust from your community.
Like you said, his father will probably always have the "right" to see him, so you can minimize the damage his sporadic interest in his son does by providing a stable male influence.
Do your best to vent your frustrations to people other than your son where your son can not hear you. You can be honest with him when his dad doesn't show for visits, but do your best to leave the, "dad's a deadbeat" commentary out of it (even if you're thinking it).
It's a tough situation, but it sure sounds like you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. Continue to put that little guy 1st, trust your instincts, and you'll both be stronger for it.

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2011

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I use to always hear that a child needs a father around for normal growth. So not true. I raised four beautiful daughters and they are all college educated. We as moms take on huge responsibilities and we are glad to do it for our babies. We can do it on our own. That is how strong we are.

Yalana - posted on 07/05/2011

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My sons' father is a self-denied alcoholic and yes, I believe the boys are better off without the physical, emotional and verbal abuse their father put us all through. He had visitation last year, but decided that when he was made to pay child support, suddenly my home wasn't fit for the boys. Now he is trying to convince my sons that I am a criminal for not "giving" them to him. I know that he will take his drunken anger out on them since I do not "cohabitate" with him anymore (that's one of the reasons he didn't want us to split up...he needs a maid, a nanny, a concubine, and a punching bag). He is just trying to make me squirm because his ego is bruised and his pride is hurt from me leaving him first. He accused me the other day of "bringing the children into it", when he is the one who has been intimidating them, grilling them for "information", and "convincing" them that I am a criminal. They'd rather hang out with my boyfriend than their own father. Each one has dissed their dad in some way, which is hilarious to me, but he does not get the hint. When they go somewhere with my boyfriend, they are all excited to tell me about it when they get home. If they go somewhere with their dad, it's "Oh, we went to the zoo...and spent the rest of the time watching movies we've already seen a million times while dad drank." Eventually, the visits will slow down, if not stop altogether, especially when your son gets older and can realize what his dad really is all about. My sons' dad has resorted to sneaking into town to pull my 2 older sons out of school for a couple of hours and drill them on me and my personal life. I have told my attorney of his shenanigans, especially considering my oldest son is having academic trouble. He claims he has legal custody of the boys, but has only made one attempt at getting them from me. He tried the "I want you to bring them to me" approach once, but he also thinks I am incredibly stupid. I've had my local police, my attorney, my parents' attorney, and an appeals judge tell me to not give the boys to him under any circumstances. They have all seen him in action and know that what I have told them about him is not an exaggeration. Unfortunately, the domestic court judge is the only one who has not seen his actions and has sided with him the entire time. Since you are the custodial parent, you can set ground rules. No drinking before his visits, and he has to treat you like he treats his son. If he starts anything, remove your son and go straight to your attorney, as often as you can. If he is showing up intoxicated, then he needs to have court-ordered supervision at his visits. You do not have to forgive him for anything, if you do not want to. By law, if he does not show up on his scheduled days (at least in Ohio...don't know about the other states), then he forfeits his time with your son for that visit. If he does it too many times, then he will be hauled back into court to be "reprimanded". Unfortunately, in Ohio, as long as a guy pays child support even one time, he can have all the visitation he wants but does not have to fulfill them. But Ohio law states that visitation starts 7 pm Friday night and lasts until 7pm Sunday night...no show, no go. Good luck to you!

Kel - posted on 07/03/2011

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i dont want my sons dad seeing him hes done nothing in the 15 months he been alive not seen him payed anything so my sons better off without him, and just to add hes my phone number my address we still get on so ive never stopped him.

[deleted account]

I'm so happy to read this post (although I am so sorry your going through this) what I mean is I am so glad that someone else feels this way. I am 22 and just found out I am expecting, they baby's "father" has decided he doesn't have to settle down and give up the partys and the fun life be has been living. Although I admit I went to them too, but only occasionally, I am a very settled person and I thought he was to at first, come to find out he is a different person than he was around me. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in weeks and I found out 2 days ago that I am pregnant. The day I found out a friend came to me and told me that he was seen at a party shooting up and with other girls. I called him to tell him we needed to talk when he informed me that he regretted what we had together and the whole relationship was useless as far he was concerned and he was moving to another state to be with his family. He wouldn't let me say anything and hung up the phone. I feel there is no reason to chase him down to tell him if he is into those drugs. I don't want them around me I have never accepted anyone around me on drugs and I do not want them around my baby. Is it wrong to let him go and not say anything?!

Rayda - posted on 06/22/2011

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I don't think its terrible at all. My sons are grown and I regret that I went against my better judgment and allowed my sons to spend time with their father. It was a mistake and has been very bad for me my sons and my husband. We still suffer from the relationship. If your doing it for your childs interests and not your own its not bad at all.

Christina - posted on 01/08/2011

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Kill em with kindness. Don't fight with your ex, be sickly sweet to him, and accommodated! Before long, he will be so confused and shocked he will start being nice back.

Nikki - posted on 01/08/2011

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I Know some of what your going threw and i get put down by some people because i don't allow my daughter to see her real father. she has a father but he is not her Bio dad. I think if you feel your child is not safe and he is being careless with your child and his safety. Then your child is better off with out his real father. Your childs safety and well being always comes first. and him coming to see his child drunk. shows he really could care less. he is only in it to try and control you. i competely understand. your the mother and you need to go with what you believe and feel

Shakisha - posted on 09/21/2010

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i dont think its wroung to think your son is better off with out him cause sometimes its true.. i feel the same way.. i dont want my sons dad to run in and out his life like he didmines so i up and left the state

Casey - posted on 09/07/2010

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i agree, some men just dont deserve to be apart of their childrens lives!!!! it really sucks that the courts dont see what we mothers see..... are the visits recorded? surely they can see that he doesnt go if they are, and are they aware thats hes turned up drunk once before?
im sorry you have to go through this, im not sure the best way to deal, i have just learnt to just deal that my sons father doesnt want anything to do with him but i also know that he is better off with out him.... all i can say is good luck and i hope everything settles down for you soon

Umm - posted on 09/07/2010

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I agree with you. Sometimes the kids are better without an iresponsible parent ( be it the father or mother ) than to be with. As i`m in the same situation. But we found a solution. My ex can see our daughter twice a month under supervision of the court. He must behave there, but if he freak out, they see themselfe. I wish you and your son just the best

Cynthia - posted on 09/03/2010

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I am a single mother for 3 yrs. on Sept. 12th, a week after my second son just turn 1 yrs. (Aug. 30th). Their father wanted 2 be around them every weekend until he moved 2 TX. Since then he hasn't seen them. Maybe 3 to 4 times out of the 3 yrs. Now he wants 2 be there for them but he isn't. My second son turn 4 (Aug. 30th) and he never called, e-mail, writing a letter, or facebook. At least your son wants 2 be there, but it won't last long, so he will leave. Be happy that u have him. I know one time he was down here that he was staying at a hotel and gave me his room key, I came back and knock no answer, I used the key walking and I found him asleep and my boys in the spa bathtub with the water running. water every where. So good thing that you are supervision him. Good luck with everything.

Debbie - posted on 09/03/2010

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hi single mum of four raised them by myself was with thier dad for almost 10 years but enough was enough.
Dont worry about the games the fathers play and they do it its a control thing just be the best mum you can be and thats all you need to worry about

Alisha - posted on 09/02/2010

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That is tough dear, I would be documenting EVERYTHING, dates, times, when he shows up, when he doesn't, and especially when he's drunk! The courts love documentation. Just write it in a notebook. No one can really say if a child is better off without their father, but I know a lot of people who never met their father's and are very angry about their father's leaving them. So, in a way, I guess it's better he at least sees his dad and knows who he is because he will always care about his dad and wonder about him. I don't think you should completely cut him off (for other reasons besides the courts won't let you). As mother's we tend to have extremely high daddy standards for our kids and don't like when their father's don't measure up, which is part of our job, to protect our children. My daughter's dad is not the greatest, but she loves him so much and in time she will see how he really is, but I'm not going to put ideas into her head on how I know he is, I will just let her figure it out over time. I have forgiven her dad for all he has done and it's a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know it's hard to do, but try not to stress over it too much because that's not good for you and your child! I think the supervised visits are a good idea if you can be there at the time.

[deleted account]

It's as they say a father isn"t someone who donates a couple of chromosomes but is someone who gives complete love and devotion to a child. Someone who will think of the childs best interest and needs before their own. I can agree with you when you state that the courts think that a father just has to be good. (bull*** on their part) and yes your son is just a child now but he will grow up to see what you see in his father.(that is if the father doesn't smarten up). I can't tell you to suck it up for a while since i am going through a similar situation with my youngest daughters father. But for now all we can do is hope that the future and that this is just an obstacle that we have to get through for those better days. Just keep smiling....:)

Jessica - posted on 09/02/2010

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First of all, no you are not horrible for thinking your son is better off without him. He doesn't appear to be someone of positive influence in your son's life. My son is 22 months and he has never seen his father. His father decided to walk away when I told him I was pregnant. I chose to have a peaceful life without him then to spend all my time, energy and money in and out of the courts fighting over time and money. He has never fought for his rights to see him. When he walked away he never looked back. My advice to you is to do your homework, research and whatever you have to do to protect your son from his father doing anything to disrupt his happy life. He apparently is not the kind of man you want your son to become and the more he has his father in his life is more opportunity for him to be negatively influenced by him. Oh, and document, document, document. Keep a notebook, photos, whatever to keep documentation of dates, times and conditions that he is with your son and when he no shows. You will be able to use that in court. Talk to a lawyer so you know what your rights are and his and so you know what you can and can't do legally. As he gets older he will start to realize he can't depend on him and that will hurt him deeply. He will love him but he will know that he is not important to his father. It will have an affect on his life and he will carry it with him. A friend once told me "it is better to have no father than a bad one." Good luck. I hope this helped. I hope everything works out for you.

Anastacia - posted on 09/02/2010

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I know what it's like to have the "weekend" dad. If you really want him gone, heres a little bit of info I picked up and you should go over it with your legal counsel, If a father doesn't see their children on the days scheduled for half of the time during the year you can get full custody based on that, so look into so YOU have the power of when, and on what terms he will be in your childs life. The damage a weekend dad can do to single mom family is devastating.

Reyna - posted on 09/02/2010

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Nope. I feel the same way about my son's biological father. I have a twin brother, my father, my uncles & both grandfathers around very often so I feel that he has enough male figures in his life to be good without his dad :)

Heather - posted on 09/01/2010

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No, You are not the only one to think that! And no, it's not easy dealing with it! The court doesn't make it any easyer either. I've been there. My first husband was cheating on me and got involved with drugs. The court let him have supervised visits, but it wasn't long before that stopped. We have 3 kids. At the time they were 3 yrs, 1 yr, and I was still pregnant with our daughter. My son's 1st birthday was the last visit. Then when my daughter was a year old, he tried for visitation again! Hadn't had any contact during that whole year and a half! The court yet again gave him supervised visits, but only of the younger 2 kids. My oldest couldn't handle it. He was told by the court that he would have to see him through a therapist. He never did. Again, the visits didn't last long.He has not bothered with any of them since then. They are now 12 ,almost10, and almost 9. And yes, they are better off with out him! He has not changed at all! You do still have to deal with them for child support even if they don't see the kids. Having a father figure is important, but a father figure doesn't have to be their father! Any GOOD male roll model will be just as good,if not better! Good Luck!

Kellie - posted on 09/01/2010

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my advice would be to keep a diary of what is going on, write down all the times he calls you, doesn't see your son when the plans have been set, what is repeated back to you by your child or other family members, anything that you feel may be of use to you if you need to go to court.

Heather - posted on 09/01/2010

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My answer is.. welll... suck it up and deal with it.. sorry but unfortuantley your right the court says he does have rights... but you are also correct in saying that your son would more than likely better off without him in his life.. and if wishes were rainbows... lol.. sorry i know how ya feel.. i wish my ex had stayed out of our lives but he is the dad and does have rights.. i just try real hard to bite my tongue and go with the flow... hope that helps... Prayers Heather

Vanessa - posted on 08/31/2010

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I made the decision before my child has even been born that it would be better to not have the father in mine or my childs life. I have 71 days left untill my due date and I havnt spoken to or seen the father. We were serious before we moved in together and I got pregnant. I alreday have a 5 year old so I made the smartest yet hardest choice ever. I am on my own, and I can do this.... I wouldn't have it any other way.

Kimber - posted on 08/31/2010

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I was in the same situation as you are. I still dont let my son which will be 4 in a month go with my ex (his father) unless I'm there. And actually the courts will let him sign over his rights once you find someone and get married. That is atleast in Florida.

Amanda - posted on 08/31/2010

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My daughter was two and a half when my ex husband and I split up and got divorced. When her dad moved out, she was calling him by his first name, not dad or daddy. He was NEVER home and never there for her when he lived here and we were together. He now lives in an apartment about a mile and a half from our house and he has seen her WAY more since he moved out almost 2 years ago than he did when he lived with us. She has a great relationship with her daddy now, which is great for her. I don't really like it (or him!) but I know that as he continues to let her down, she will realize that she doesn't have to live with it anymore. As much as you may not like it, let him see your son. If he continually lets him down like my ex does with my daughter, your son will see that and will choose to not be with his dad anymore. Eventually we will find men that love us AND our children and we can all be happy. Good luck to you!

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2010

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You deal with this by taking responsibility for the fact that you chose to have a child with this man and like it or not he IS his father. You need to think about what your son may have to deal with for the rest of his life, he should come first. I know it's hard because I have two sons who only saw their father once a year and he wasn't a "good" father - BUT they loved him. They had other men in their lives but no one replaced their father in their hearts or minds. It was hard to send them very year to see him - "was it the right thing to do or not?". But, when I heard them talk about their father with others I knew at least they felt like they had a father who loved them. As they started their teen years they started to see him for the man he really was and this didn't make me happy it was sad for them. He died when they were 13 & 15 yrs old. I don't lie to my sons about their father but I don't talk to them about what a jerk I think he was either. In the end my sons felt loved by their father and in time they'll figure out what that means to them. I hope they find their own peace with him and I believe their limited relationship with him was better then none at all.

Monica - posted on 08/28/2010

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Hello, I have been having that same thought about my daughter. Stability and Happiness is not horrible. If they (dads) can not provide it, then I truly believe they are better off without them. I believe the key is to keep the negativity away from them and as they mature they (kids) will understand the decisions that we make and they will also be able to form their own relationship without us (moms) in the picture.

Amanda - posted on 08/28/2010

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i beleive fully my kids are better off without their father. he has a violent temper and a short fuse, gets into all kinds of trouble, can't hold a job, takes no responsibility for anything, cheats, is verbaly abusive, dropped out of school at a grade 10 level. i know it's better without him. my kids don't need to learn any of his habits. i can only hope he stays away until they're old enough to decide for themselves.

Felicia - posted on 08/27/2010

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My son, Jeffrey's, father has been absent for most of his life. He has visitation within reason, but almost never uses it. Jeffrey's dad has recently become, I think, detrimental to his psyche. My son, who's only 8, worries constantly about his father due to the nature of his lifestyle (no real home, living with friends). He's told me that he wants his dad to live in Riverside with his little half brother because his brother is a baby and needs both parents. I definitely think that my son is better off without his father. I'm lucky to have so many positive male role models for him.

Stephanie - posted on 08/27/2010

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I have bad news for you because my situation is almost identical to yours and I am still going thru the same thing. My son turned 14 last month. My ex goes months w/o calling my son much less seeing him and then just pops up and expects us to drop everything so that he can see my son. Unfortunately, if it is on a 1, 3, or 5th weekend, we do have to drop whatever plans we had to accomodate him. It sucks and the court system is wrong for allowing this to continue but like you said, there is nothing to be done. My only advice is to never let him get to you or atleast never let him know that he is getting to you and once he sees that he is not getting to you anymore, he will probably lose all interest. For guys like my ex husband, its more about making our lives miserable than it is about the kids. I wish you the best of luck and am truly sorry that you and your son are having to deal with that type of "father".

Kristal - posted on 08/27/2010

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I feel the same way about my kids father. In my case I could prove he was an alcholic and not responsible so in my divorce I got complete custody of the kids and he got supervised visits. My kids are 10 and 11 now and he calls once in awhile nd telss them he will get them things and unfortunately they learned on their own how their father is. If I were you I would keep documentation of when he says he is coming to visit and when he doesn't show up. If he shows up drunk i would call the cops. Just remember that as your son gets older he will see on his own how his father is and he will see how much you have always been there for him and not bad mouthing his dad. It is not an easy thing to do by any means. Hang in there.

Bec - posted on 08/27/2010

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i know how u feel... my babies dad has not spent 1 sober day with her since she has been born... he cant stanf to be around us sober... i know he is not doing the right thing by me or his daughter but babies do need ther dads and if u are supervising the visits it should get better,.. i have told my girls dad that he should not drink while he is around her but it doesnt sink in... hopefully it will get better for you

Abigail - posted on 08/26/2010

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Thank you to all the ladies who commented...I am just trying to do what is best for my son. One other reason I am scared of the situation is, my ex is a flight risk and has threatened me already to take my son...The thought of my son being taken to another country to never be seen again scares me to death. It is hard to get over the fact that someone could have such control over your life without your consent. This whole situation was my husbands doing and I feel my son and I will suffer because of what he did. I am allowing him to still see his son, I don't want to be the one to break that. That has to be all his doing, and I know someday my son will grow up to see his father for who he really is. With or without him in his life, I know my son will be ok, because I love him. I am trying my best to not show any emotion towards his father, it is difficult though. I am 27 and well just now realizing what life is about, who I am, and well how immature we all can be in our early 20's. I unfortunately married someone who changed (after being married for 1 year) into a completely different person. Sometimes you never really know what you are getting.

Kathy - posted on 08/26/2010

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I know your son will see his father for who he is when he gets older.My first son seen his dad on weekends but,the girlfriend took care of him,dad wasn't around.He didn't except our second son,even though the blood tests proved he was dad.I think my second was better off.He says it doesn't bother him. He didn't miss what he didn't know.It could be worse,you could still be living with him. Good Luck. Maybe he'll get tired of being a dad.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/26/2010

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get a restraining order n say u fear for ur sons wellbeing n life. no father should be drunk around their baby

Becky - posted on 08/25/2010

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Renee Thompson has some VERY good points. IMO, when we've been hurt by someone, it's very easy for us to hold onto that hurt and then turn it into anger, bitterness and pettiness. First off, I have problems with the following:

"After my son was born he changed..."

"...he is making my life hell wanting to see my son all the time."

"My son didn't really know who he was before the separation..."


"My son views him as a playmate."

"I just hate that my son cares even though he is so young..."

" Is it horrible to really believe my son would be better off with out his father?"

"How do I get over it and deal, especially if I have to for the next 17 or more years of my sons life?"

Are you seeing a pattern there? Whether you like it or not, your son "belongs" to both of you. And actually, you hit the nail on the head with the last question. You do need to get over it and deal. As parents, especially mothers, that's what we do...we eat a lot of crap so that our children can know their fathers when our relationships don't work out. We bend over backwards and go out of our way to make it happen, in fact. Unless there is sufficient reason, and the court will determine that, to keep the child from his father, you should never do anything to keep him from his father. As much as we may want to, we cannot control everything. Relax as much as you can and go with the flow. If he sees he's not getting a rise out of you, he will more than likely calm down himself. Also, if you haven't already pursued counseling, as well as co-parenting classes, I would suggest those. You need to keep your son as the focus in this situation, not the past or your pain. Believe me, I KNOW how difficult it can be at times, but you have to think about what is in his best interest. I wish you the best of luck.

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