Is it ok to have friends with benefits?

Lou Lyn - posted on 08/09/2010

hahaha! that's good, if theres no harm on that go for it as long as your happy and were happy also for you but it's more good if you feel a real feelings.

Shannon - posted on 08/09/2010

At Maria...basically my same situation...if u ever want to talk message me here.

Caris - posted on 08/07/2010

I agree with Terri Jones that sometimes life is too short and you might not find a true love if you sell yourself as just a playmate. Its like you being just a other playboy girl. Sex with two people should be with real feelings. Because in a guy mind, you are being a hooker without being payed. I have talked to a lot of guys, and yes, that is just what they are thinking and wanting. Nothing more or less!!! So, if you want that kind of rap, you got to live with it.

Ivonne - posted on 08/06/2010

Dora, don't sell your self short on the Mr. Right arena. You are probably not ready for it, but trust me it gets lonely and the toys get harder to find as you get older, they want young n so do u (lol). Besides I don't think your husband would want you to be alone. I probably have a good idea what you are thinking, you had Mr. right and a soul mate.
All I'm saying don't close your self to love, I have made mistakes in that arena and would not want you to b where I am. The road is not fun especially as our kids get older and need us less.

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

Alisha, at this point, I would tend to avoid having sex with someone with whom I might have partner feelings. I'd rather stick with people who make me horny but with whom I would never want to live or make decisions. If Mr. Right happened along, now, I think I would keep him at arm's length and avoid sex or romance altogether. I can't help but feel that my life will be better without any of these so-called Mr. Rights in it.

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

I hope to be able to separate friendship from benefits. A more apt expression might be bonk buddy. Friendship is wonderful, especially when needs aren't being juggled. It just seems more giving that way. Melissa, I understand what you are saying. I think the leverage is when there is a relationship that includes sex where one or both parties end up feeling resentment and thus (with or without being conscious of it) begin to withhold things. If it's just about sex, it would be less likely to result in a contest where needs are withheld to get leverage. For example, when one person is in charge of money and the other person wants more of it, then there is competition and one person might be tempted to withhold something until more money is available. If it's just sex and no money (or other resource) is involved, then nothing would be withheld.

Alisha - posted on 08/05/2010

Personally, I feel that friends with benefits isn't right because one or the other will start to have feelings and it will always end in disaster. Don't sell yourself short, find a guy that will meet all of your needs that you feel is bf material. Plus if it goes bad, it will be super awkward being neighbors.

Ivonne - posted on 08/05/2010

I have been in your shoes for a long while, It is not fun. My only concern is that he is your next door neighbor and when you finally find the BF material it may get awkward around the neighborhood. lol, I sometimes feel so desperate that I dream where I shouldn't. If you think it can be worked out I say take a chance. I would, don't sacrifice if you don't need to sounds like you are young and don't get old with out meeting your needs like I'm doing. Good Luck :)

Ivonne - posted on 08/05/2010

I have been in your shoes for a long while, It is not fun. My only concern is that he is your next door neighbor and when you finally find the BF material it may get awkward around the neighborhood. lol, I sometimes feel so desperate that I dream where I shouldn't. If you think it can be worked out I say take a chance. I would, don't sacrifice if you don't need to sounds like you are young and don't get old with out meeting your needs like I'm doing. Good Luck :)

Melissa - posted on 08/05/2010

Dora - I don't think I've had issues with competition/leverage with the friendships that had benefits. I have had those issues in a couple of dating relationships that ended without a friendship resulting. I actually feel warmer toward my previous FWB guys than some of my other friendships; there's the history there, and we're closer because of it. One thing that can be hard is when you're not "done" with your FWB and he moves on to a real relationship, especially with someone you know. You can find yourself wondering why he's able to make it work with someone else and not you. But then, that can be a problem with deeper relationships too. I don't know - do what you think will help until Mr. Right hopefully comes along!

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

Megan, too bad you don't live near Erie, PA. I'm sure my bonk buddy could handle both of us, lol. And for everybody else, I use protection and I have had my tubes tied. Honestly, with busy schedules, I think I could use 2-3 more buddies, lol. My appetite has definitley improved. This guy's skill set (and excellent equipment) must be experienced to be believed, lol.

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

Deborah and Julie, I am conflicted, I admit, but I don't really hope for more. If Mr. Right came along, I think we'd be friends without benefits because sex seems to screw up true friendship. When you have a sexual relationship with someone, there's always leverage and competition. When there are no expectations for a relationship, then the sex is better, imo.

Dora - posted on 08/05/2010

Lucy, my story is at free best sex stories dot com. Don't go there with kids watching! There are two stories by me, there. The author is listed as Dora Incognita.

Kimberly - posted on 08/05/2010

hey go for it i know what you mean my sex drive has also taken a nose drive so don't feel guilty and have fun.

Megan - posted on 08/04/2010

Just wondered how you are getting on? I had a very attentive husband in that department too, ( very attentive to others too, hence now my Ex-husband!!) and have had a bonkbuddy and its fantastic, not so sure Id like him living next door but, it means you get to feel great about yourself without having to involve your family in a relationship. set boundries, and have fun .Good for you, My buddy unfortunatly has got a new job which is taking him to a new City so boohoo for me, it will be hard to find a new "friend" with his skill set!!

Julie - posted on 08/04/2010

Sex is not a mere phsyical act - it goes deeper than that. Just ask a gal who's prositituted hereslf out... it take years to recover.

I too, was widowed - young - 27 - and it is a mere disciplined mind thing. Stay busy with your life and find outside interests to occupy - esp. in the area of reaching out others... Too, it will be easier on your conscience should a 2nd 'Mr. Right' come along - know that you are pure -

Melissa - posted on 08/04/2010

I think so! I've had a few over the years. For me, they've been guys I started dating and it turned out the guy wasn't long-term material. But I liked him and the sex was good, so we kept occasionally seeing each other casually. If you have dinner or drinks together or brunch the next day, it doesn't feel as sleazy. The thing to be careful about is getting attached to a guy who might only be in it for the sex - that can be really painful. (and obviously be careful about birth control or that could become all kinds of awkward.)

Tammy - posted on 08/04/2010

I am divorced single mom of 3, have not been in a serious relationship in more then a year... so it is not exactly the same but i have to say as i am getting older the "friends with benefits" seems to be alittle more acceptable to me... I have only had once serious relationship since divorce and when we broke up it was extremely hard on my kids who had become attached.. so it, for the time being would work for me! and u are sooooo right about going from physical affectionate sex to "bob" is nooooooo wheeerrrreeee near the same!

I SAY GO FOR IT AND HAVE A LITTLE FUN AND BE SATISFIED EVEN IF IT IS ONLY PHYSICALLY AND FOR ALITTLE BIT!!

Deborah - posted on 08/04/2010

If all you want is the "benefits", no. But, if any part of you hopes for more in the future when or if all goes well...be warned...the old adage, "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"...seems ever more relevant in todays time than I ever imagined. Today, even women are treating men like accessories instead of people with emotions and connections...why? I guess people just aren't open to real love like they used to say...it's pretty painful.

This is only my perspective...not something that will hold true for everyone though. Maybe you'll have a smooth run of it...might be a good idea to keep things friendly and "feel it out" first.

Good luck!

Ana - posted on 08/04/2010

The way I see it as long as you both agree with it and you both are not hurting no one, then go for it and have fun while you can, But always remember protect yourself cause you never know who he is sleeping around with also. Be smart and be safe. Enjoy it .

Lucy - posted on 08/03/2010

Terri, you are right about the oxytocin. But I am a mental health professional and I have never read any research that says that you become 'desensitized' and can't have a real relationship because you had a friends with benefits one. I would be interested to hear if that is just your opinion or if you have some source to back up what you say.

Lucy - posted on 08/03/2010

Dora, I've thought about this idea for myself. I've been divorced for seven years now and haven't really dated anyone in several years. I still have one child at home and work a lot of hours. So I'm not sure if I really have time for a relationship. I'd be interested in your short story and anything you would like to share about your experience.

Dora - posted on 08/01/2010

I like mornings, too!

Kylie - posted on 07/31/2010

every lady needs some fun in there life widowed divorced or watever their circumstances r... friends with benefits r good no strings attached at end of day....

Dora - posted on 07/30/2010

I put a post on, earlier, that had a link in it but I thought better of it because it might not be suitable for children. Send me a message if you would like it. It is a short story I wrote.

Dora - posted on 07/30/2010

p.s. Honestly, I don't know if I crave a "real" connection. Right now, I actually don't. Right now, I'd rather have a fun connection than a real (possibly confining) connection.

Dora - posted on 07/30/2010

I understand that it's difficult to wait for something better but worth it, eventually. Sometimes a real relationship feels like crawling into a cage, though. It sounds so good not to have to live with a man. I've had my children. Would they be so much better off living with a man? I guess it would be better if it's the right man. Is that what God wants for me? I believe in Jesus. I know He loves me. I'm afraid of losing my freedom but I have been healed of fear before.

Evea - posted on 07/29/2010

a woman has needs.. (get it girl). just remember to wrap the willy.LOL :-)

Sybil - posted on 07/29/2010

i understand the problem... those needs are very real. sexual needs are real and it's not about lust. we crave intimate connections b/c we are human and need to connect with others on a deeper level. sometimes in life, we must go without that temporarily and it's difficult. although this time can be used to heal and grow and wait for something healthier. you are worthy of the real love and you are deserving of genuine connection over immitation. reserve it for the right person. have faith- he will come.

Sandy - posted on 07/29/2010

I dont think there is a thing wrong with a "sex buddy". Especially, that yall are 2 consenting adults....GO FOR IT!

Natasha - posted on 07/29/2010

I say also do what makes you happy. As long as you remember to use protection (exspecially if you plan on having more than 1 friends with benefiets) and still put your children first. I have had booty calls in the past and believe me there aint no shame in it.

Kay - posted on 07/29/2010

I didnt tell her to talk to this man I told her to put it in gods hands. God will send her a man of christ a man he has chosen for her and her children. Never would I give this young lady any bad advice

Michelle - posted on 07/29/2010

I don't think it's right to do that. It's agaisnt what God wants us to do with the relationships that we form.

Kay - posted on 07/29/2010

The only advice I can give you is to put it into Gods hands seek him first and he will guide your every step. Without God nothing is possible what looks good is not so do not lean on your own understanding. I wish you the best and I will pray for you that God send you a man of christ you have children and you are raising someone's husband and someone's wife and your kids lead by example.Many blessings God works miracles Take Care

Grace - posted on 07/29/2010

In response to Terry - I tend to see such periods in some ladies' lives as transitory brought on by various occurences in their lives. It is almost like therapy for some - some previously had very low self-esteem or confidence in their bodies and/or control of their lives. Interestingly sex is part of the daily activities of living for all humans and animals alike, yet it is the only one which divides gender expectations on how it is enjoyed.

Grace - posted on 07/29/2010

Dora - all of us are unique individuals that react to situations in various ways. Go with your own instincts. If you are not ready for a long-term relationship, enjoy with clarity the offers of the short-term ensuring you do so safely to your mind and body. My two cents...

Dora - posted on 07/29/2010

I don't really feel the need for a partner, now. Mostly, I just feel attached to the sex, lol. He'll be out of town for a few days and I am wondering if I can just go back to BOB, lol. I see all these websites where people supposedly can meet people for sex but it doesn't look real and I'm not whipping my credit card out for sure. I wonder where the real people hang out. There sure are lots of options that I naver thought of before. Some of your private messages have floored me. I had no idea how much fun was to be had. It's a little overwhelming.

Jackie - posted on 07/28/2010

We all have needs. I waited 7 years after my husband died. I was only 33 when he died. No "bob" nothing for 7 years. Girlfriend, I have made up for lost time and I don't regret it one bit. It did feel like I was cheating on my husband at first, but I think it helped me to move on. Just be careful and protect yourself and your kids. Don't get too attatched especially if he is just your booty call. Ride it girl!!!

Michella - posted on 07/28/2010

if you've been unhappy for a long time. go for it. do what makes you happy. life is too short, who knows one of them might turn out to be the one.

Shanice - posted on 07/28/2010

I LEFT my baby daddy and my son loves my "friend" so i say do wat u gotta do to b happy. my "friend" have been my frind for 3 years now so. go be happy

Dora - posted on 07/28/2010

Is it possible that this way of thinking makes us vulnerable to being controlled and limited? We are supposed to bond with one person. That person works with us to raise a family. We turn over the responsibility for meeting our needs to one person who may or may not feel like meeting them over the years. It's tempting, when once one is free, to figure out some other way to get needs (I'm talking about every kind of need) met. I've had my children. My tubes are tied. My sons have some excellent male role models (uncles, neighbors, etc.) and since their dad died and didn't leave us on purpose, they are still certain that their dad loves them and me. I'm kind of wondering what the advantages are to getting a new partner at this point. If I bond with him and get all the oxytocin flowing and then he turns out to be a jerk, my boys would be worse off. So far, I haven't seen much out there in the way of partner/dad material. And in the mean time, I have other needs. . .

Terri - posted on 07/28/2010

Well obviously I am in the minority in my opionion, but here goes anyway. I am not judging anyone here with what I am about to say, but I think a lot of you are selling your selves short. When you have sex with someone, your body produces a chemical that produces oxytocin - which is supposed to make you bond emotionally with that person. When you have sex with a lot of different people, with no real attachment or relationship with them, then you are inhibiting or essentially descensitizing yourself to be able to really bond with someone or have a relationship with someone in the future. I think you should wait and see if this is someone who you are compatible with, does he have the qualities as a person. I mean we aren't just animals screwing everything that walks - we are better than that. If you don't respect yourselves and hold out for someone who deserves and respects you, then no man will ever respect you either.

Dora - posted on 07/28/2010

Actually, it's more like a zucchini . . . ;)

Dora - posted on 07/28/2010

I have lived on a tether and now I am starting to work my way to freedom. My tomatoes need regular tending, lol! This neighbor guy uses condoms and he also has had a vasectomy. But besides that, he has a big fat cucumber and I intend to ride it as often as possible!

Thato - posted on 07/28/2010

awwww.....that is so sweet!! *tend to your tomatoes*..LOL
have fun lady and while you're at it.., go back for some more fun and MORE FUN!!! You only have one life to live!!xoxo

Katie - posted on 07/27/2010

That sounds like fun. Go for it, but be up-front about what you want/expect from this FWB.

Melissa - posted on 07/27/2010

who mentioned "BOB"? lol, Battery Operated Boyfriend works for me, less drama, they get attached

Sarah - posted on 07/27/2010

I agree with these ladies..it's all good to have a "friend or two"...lol....but my little one is from a "friend" and he isn't involved in my baby's life..but still wants to be in mine...so you just have to keep in mind that things happen...and take it from there....Good luck getting what you want...and enjoy life....

Leslie - posted on 07/26/2010

Everyone has needs but if it were me I would protect my children so if it doesnt work out they arent hurt...and who knows it just might turn into more

Nicole - posted on 07/26/2010

You go get what you need as much and often as you can get it!!! Just remember to be careful and protect yourself!