Issues with giving child fathers last name!

Natalie - posted on 06/14/2009 ( 52 moms have responded )

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I have raised my son on my own and he is going on four now! So I have no idea how it is to have the father in the child's life! Well I ended up pregnant for a guy that I wasnt with but was getting to know should I say! (They tell you to wrap it up and then it breaks!) Well together we made the choice that I wasnt going to keep the child if I did fall pregnant! But I couldnt do it! I dont believe in abortion! He wants to be a part of this child life and I have no problem with that cause we do remain friends! But he wants me to give my child his last name! So he can feel like the child has a part of him! Seeing how it is his first child! I dont know the legal issues on that and wonder if anyone has experience with it! I really need to know all the pros and cons! I have my worrries cause we are not together so I dont want it to back fire on me later on!

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Stacey - posted on 03/02/2014

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Hi my daughter due in 4 months and me my ex have split up he refusing to sign to say he the father my daughter when she born but I want her to have his last name how do I go about that if he not going be their when I reg her ? Help

Sharon - posted on 06/24/2009

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I was in the same predicament. On the legal side, the child doesn't need to carry the father's last name. If the father signs the birth certificate, he automatically has rights, even if the child does not bear his last name. I decided to have my last name first, then his father's last name after mine. So my son only uses my last name. I did it this way because I thought if the father and I end up in court, the court may very well order the birth certificate to be amended and add his last name. I just dropped his father's last name and only use mine on every and any document I put my son's name on. I agree, it can be a hassle to have a different last name from your child. Hope this helps!

Mary - posted on 09/19/2013

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So many single parents nowadays. At one stage it was scandalous to be a single mother, as it was believed to be detremental to the child. Nowadays single mothers are given welfare from the state, fathers are forced to pay child support even if they don't get visitation. Who need fathers anyway, lets just formalise it and every child can take the name of the sperm bank jar as a surname. Single mothers can decide everything for the child without the need to consult anyone, yes i'm sure this is in the best interest of the child. Mothers already have the majority say, legally and practically in a childs life. Unless you want the father to be looked at as a child kidnapper when going in to pick up his own kids at daycare, give the child the fathers name so that there is a solid connection that already exists between mother and child.

Sammie - posted on 06/23/2009

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i have two beautiful children and i never maried thier fathers, they both have my name because of this. i am still with my daughters dad but he was happy to let her have my name so that they would be closer and the fact that they are brother and sister and attend the same school. in my opinion it's a new millenium and if you are not married why can't they have mums family name.

Caroline - posted on 02/26/2014

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Oh Angrydad, we're not ONLY thinking about ourselves -- we think about the governmental procedures we would have to go through, the possible interferences that might occur, the possibility of getting the child getting taken away from us by the father because he has the right since the baby was given his last name, and most especially the child.
A name isn't just a name. With a name comes responsibility for the child.
Here's an example: I know a lot of the countries, before mothers and their children are accepted into the country, they scrutinize the surnames and if the child has a different surname than the mother, they'd have to bring the biological dad in for questioning/interviewing as well. What if the dad is nowhere to be found? What if he refuses his child moving away from him? It's a long difficult process. Would you be able to stick around for that -- find time out of your busy life to accommodate these responsibilities?
So I say, if the mom is the one who is taking most of the responsibility and care for the child, then let the child have her surname. It's convenient and it makes sense.
If you truly love your child, you'll love it and will be there for him/her no matter the circumstance, no matter the name.

So think about that. Give YOUR head a wobble. We're not selfish. We're being practical. We're being reasonable.

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Serene - posted on 04/23/2014

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Both of my children have my last name and neither one of their fathers were there for there births. I was court ordered to change my sons last name and I never did, maybe because his father never pushed the issue. If I had another child I would give my significant other his last name because we would be married. I was a single parent while I had my kids and if they want to change their last name when they get older then I'll let them do it.

Laura - posted on 04/23/2014

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I am a single mom & have 2 daughters. My first daughter I had young with a guy that I was dating at the time. Relationship ended quickly & found out after I was pregnant. He has had ZERO involvement with her from day one & not a dime of child support. Made it clear he was not interested in being her father from the day he found out I was pregnant. I have raised her without any help from him whatsoever. Needless to say she has my last name & he was not even on the birth certificate. Fast forward a couple years after her birth, I met a man that I ended up with for almost 7 years. When my daughter was 7 , I had another little girl with this man I had now been in a relationship with for about 5 yrs. Things had been shaky throughout the relationship & I stupidly thought a baby would help , well it didn't. I ended up leaving him when our daughter was two. Things had become unbearable. It turned out as I dreaded it would. We were still together when our daughter was born & I signed that birth certificate at the hospital in front of him & his mother with MY last name , knowing full well we would not last much longer. It wasn't done out of spite or selfishness. I knew the relationship wouldn't last , and I did not want my two daughters having different last names nor should they have to. I also knew full well if & when the relationship did end that he would be an every other weekend dad at best (that is exactly how it played out by the way) and I would be the main caregiver. I would never make one of my children feel excluded from our family by something as stupid as a last name. I'm so glad that I gave my daughter my last name. I have never regretted it. There are some wonderful fathers out there but there are some not so good ones as well & downright shitty ones ( and yes the same goes for mothers). If fathers are not involved at all or minimal at best they have no right bitching over a name.

Deana - posted on 04/11/2014

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I'm due to have my ex's baby any day now. We split up and then four days later I found out I was pregnant. We were never married. He has two children from his previous marriage that have his last name. I do not want my baby to have his last name for numerous reasons, the relationship was abusive, we were never married, we are not getting back together. He is of course really upset about this and now trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants just like he always has. I want him to be part of the baby's life as long as he wants to be and he is sober. I'm looking for others perspective on this situation please help.

Zoila - posted on 03/24/2014

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My son has my last name because his father is a wife beater I filed a domestic violence case against him and he has a restraining order so his name is not on my sons birth certificate. I just hope that the judge doesn't make me change his name, can that happen ?

Angrydad - posted on 02/15/2014

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Some really bitter women here.. I'm a father who's just had this landed on him at the day of the scan, When I questioned as to why the baby's last name, was hers.
Telling me that, she's the one who's going to pick our child up and be the one bringing her up... What sort of silly excuse is that.

Some of you need to give your heads a wobble.. Stop thinking about yourselves

Mary - posted on 09/19/2013

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So many single parents nowadays. At one stage it was scandalous to be a single mother, as it was believed to be detremental to the child. Nowadays single mothers are given welfare from the state, fathers are forced to pay child support even if they don't get visitation. Who need fathers anyway, lets just formalise it and every child can take the name of the sperm bank jar as a surname. Single mothers can decide everything for the child without the need to consult anyone, yes i'm sure this is in the best interest of the child. Mothers already have the majority say, legally and practically in a childs life. Unless you want the father to be looked at as a child kidnapper when going in to pick up his own kids at daycare, give the child the fathers name so that there is a solid connection that already exists between mother and child.

Mary - posted on 09/19/2013

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So many single parents nowadays. At one stage it was scandalous to be a single mother, as it was believed to be detremental to the child. Nowadays single mothers are given welfare from the state, fathers are forced to pay child support even if they don't get visitation. Who need fathers anyway, lets just formalise it and every child can take the name of the sperm bank jar as a surname. Single mothers can decide everything for the child without the need to consult anyone, yes i'm sure this is in the best interest of the child. Mothers already have the majority say, legally and practically in a childs life. Unless you want the father to be looked at as a child kidnapper when going in to pick up his own kids at daycare, give the child the fathers name so that there is a solid connection that already exists between mother and child.

Mary - posted on 09/19/2013

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So many single parents nowadays. At one stage it was scandalous to be a single mother, as it was believed to be detremental to the child. Nowadays single mothers are given welfare from the state, fathers are forced to pay child support even if they don't get visitation. Who need fathers anyway, lets just formalise it and every child can take the name of the sperm bank jar as a surname. Single mothers can decide everything for the child without the need to consult anyone, yes i'm sure this is in the best interest of the child. Mothers already have the majority say, legally and practically in a childs life. Unless you want the father to be looked at as a child kidnapper when going in to pick up his own kids at daycare, give the child the fathers name so that there is a solid connection that already exists between mother and child.

Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

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I hyphenated(sp?) my sons last name because me and his father are together but we're not married. I have to remember that if I am enrolling my child in school and we dont have the same last name, it will get both frustrating and confusing. my daughter only has my last name but that was out of keeping my blood line (I was the last and she was born first) more than anythign else.

Kimberly - posted on 08/26/2012

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giving him the last name or allows him to pay child support and provide insurance for the child. it doesnt not give him any legal rights to the child unless yall go to court and he legitimizes the child.

Wuraola - posted on 07/03/2009

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I was going to originally give my daughter her father's last name but after much consideration decided against it. I have a very unique last name and I knew that we wouldn't be married so I decided at the last minute that she would carry on my name. I am even thinking when and if I get married my husband should take my name.

Audrey - posted on 06/24/2009

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Give him your last name.. I have had such issues.. My first one has his last name and my second has my last name and he is the father of both. If your child wants to change his name when he is older and can make that decision than so be it.

Sandra - posted on 06/23/2009

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Dear,



You will have to go down to your Council Town Hall and ask for the Registrar of Births and Deaths. Ask for the birth registry and then you can have her name changed. You will need to have consent from the father to put his last name on her birth certificate if you were not married at the time of the childs birth.



I hope this helps.



Sandra

Sandra - posted on 06/23/2009

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Darling, For the sake of the child when he grows up, it is a good idea for him to have his fathers name. Unfortunately, my ex would not allow me to give my son his last name so consider yourself lucky that you have a man who allows this.



It is all about identity and knowing where we come from so it is very important that you also think of the welfare of the child.



Take care



s

Darlene - posted on 06/22/2009

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When my oldest daughter, who is now 20, was born I was not married to her father so I did not put him on the birth certificate. However, she DID have his last name. For some reason I felt that putting him on there would be a problem. He has actually been a fairly decent father to her and has been involved in her life. Not much for emotional support but then what man is. :)

The difference in names between me and her was never a big deal except that sometimes a teacher or someone who didn't know would refer to me as Mrs. so and so (her last name). I went back to my maiden name after a divorce (different relationship). However, when I finally decided to officially file for child support from her dad, child support enforcement made me add him and I think either do DNA testing or maybe just a statement saying he was indeed her donor.

In the end, I am glad I gave her his last name. She has an extended family and a name and identity she shares with them. That can mean a lot.

I suppose if you feel there is no chance that there will be cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents involved from his side then that might make the decision easier.

Carol - posted on 06/22/2009

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My son has my last name. I figure I am the primary care giver, the child resides with me, I deal with everything that happens (good and bad) and, even though the father is in my son's life, he made the choice to leave before our child was born. That's why my son doesn't have his last name.

Holly - posted on 06/21/2009

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Can anyone shed a little light on the process I would have to go through to have my daughter's name changed... forms, fees, etc. Thanks!

Deanna - posted on 06/20/2009

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Quoting Katie:

I gave my daughter her father's last name even though we are not married, but if I could do it again I would have given her my last name. It can be a real hassle to have a different last name than your child!



How true this is!!!!! I'm trying to save enough money so that I can go through the courts to have my maiden name reinstated. I carry my ex husband's last name and my daughter has my maiden name. Now seeing as how my ex husband is not my baby's father (baby's dad is some loser sperm donor who doesn't even care that she is his) it makes it sooooooooo difficult on both my daughter and I when I have to explain to people why we have different last names.

Vicki - posted on 06/19/2009

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You can give the child your name last, his last name, or any other last name you see fit! Smith, for instance. My baby's father hasn't been around, and I am glad to have not used his last name. Not only would it be more complicated, but it almost leads one to thinking that someday, he will be there for his kid. And probably, he won't! While I was pregnant I asked him if he would care any more if the child had his name- he simply replied that it'd be hilarious if it weren't his. (Safe to say, he IS his child.) Up until signing the registration of birth, I had intended on using the father's name, but when it came down to it, I just couldn't let myself do that to my son!

Vicky - posted on 06/19/2009

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I didn't give my children their fathers last names as we weren't married and both of them have different fathers which if I had would have caused complete confusion. My 8 year old laughs when I tell her that she could have been ------------ and says she glad she has mine. She also glad that her brother has her name because he will eventually go to school with her and she didn't want to be laughed at for having different names. Children can be very mean to each other at school, personnel experience showed me that. Think hard and stick with your choice as you will always be your childrens full time parent. Good luck.

[deleted account]

After I left my husband of 7yrs with my 2-yr old son, I was hoping to get rid of last name...but my lawyer at the time said I shouldn't...I should wait until he's old enough to make his OWN decision. He's 19 now, and has kept his father's last name...My 7yr old daughter has MY last name, because "she doesn't exist" in his eyes..even if she DID 'exist' in his eyes, I'd still use MY last name.

Debbie - posted on 06/19/2009

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My oldest didnt have his fathers name and i regret it dearly, even tho he's never had anything to do with him.

For the child, in years to come, whether the dad is around or not, the child is going to want to know his background. Our names are our heritage we have a right to.

My advice is to register your child's name with his/her dads name and let them have their own identity. If for any reason the dad drops out your childs life then at least YOU know your child will grow up knowing who they are. As a human being we all have that right.

My son is 20 now and still doesn't know his dad regardless of the attempts made over the years, but knowing what his birthright is emotionally stabilises his place in this world.

It tends to be us mums who want our children to have our names, its a selfish thing we do (i am the same!!) but we have to act for what is right for the child not for us.

Good luck with this, i hope you find the right answer for you and your family :)

Debs xx

Sarah - posted on 06/19/2009

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I gave my daughter his last name we were together when i had her and broke up two years ago-Im in a new relationship and am very happy that she has his surname at the end of the day i hope to get married and take my partners surname so my daughter will not have the same name as me then anyway but her daddy will always have the same one as her that can never change i think making a big deal of it is from a parents opinion if you ask your child i guarantee they have no problem with whatever surname they are given.

[deleted account]

I think if you are not with your childs dad, and you are raising the child as a single parent you should not be using his name, but should give the child the same surname as you. I realise things change but he wanted you to have an abortion.......you can always hyphenate names later down the track. good luck

[deleted account]

I gave my daughter my last name. I knew her father wouldn't be involved anyways and it just makes it easier, for me anyways, because then I don't have to answer questions about why we have different last names.

Cheryl - posted on 06/18/2009

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I gave my son my last name because his father wasn't comfortable at the time with him having his. My son having is fathers last name is something that is EXTREMELY important to me (we are not together, nor will we be again) but I did not want to fight about it. I still want to change his last name, but won't until his father is ready, we are talking about doing it before he goes to school...

Andrea - posted on 06/18/2009

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I would agree. I gave my son my boyfriend's last name... I guess as a gift to him because we are not married... and at first it didn't bother me and I never really thought about it... but now we are not together and probably won't get back together ever again and I regret that now. People look at me wierd too and it's hard going around saying his name and people assuming things. If I could do it over... I would have given my son my last named and changed both our names whenever I get married.

La - posted on 06/17/2009

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I didn't give my daughter her father's last name because I thought it would be confusing to my child. We split when I was three months pregnant and told him of my decision to only have my surname, he suggested the two surnames be put on her birth certificate but I said no because I was going to be the main care giver in our situation. To me having the same surname as my daughter is a symbol of my family ties, they have stuck with me and given me all the support i need. I think you should think really hard on it but do what feels best for you and the child. Good Luck

Hanna - posted on 06/16/2009

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I really wanted my baby to have his last name bc in my mind, I thought we would all have the same last name eventually. If I had known all the things he was doing behind my back while I was pregnant, I'm not sure I would've given her his last name. I do love his family but I hate that me and my child will never have the same last name.

Jacki - posted on 06/16/2009

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It is your choice whether or not you give your baby his last name or not but don't do it because you think it will keep him in the baby's life whether or not he says he's going to. If he claims paternity, then he has rights to the baby regardless what name you give. My little girl has my last name and I have full legal custody and he has visitation and rights to know general info about her. He said he was going to be completely involved and we still remain friends even now but he hasn't seen her since she was three months old, she's now 3.

Hanna - posted on 06/16/2009

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I personally wouldn't do it. My child's father is somewhat in her life and I still regret giving her his last name. I hate that I don't have the same last name as my daughter and it is extremely hard and expensive to change it if things don't work out. If you marry him later on, however, it will be easy so I would just wait.

Stephanie - posted on 06/16/2009

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I strongly advise against this. Being his "friend" isn't the same as being his "wife." You need to look out for your child. What if this guy turns out to be a real psycho and you want nothing to do with him and then your poor child is stuck with that name.

Just wait. Sign your last name on the birth certificate and if he proves himself to be decent, THEN revisit the idea.

[deleted account]

hi i gave my daughter both surnames on her birth cert when she was born 4 years ago but have always just used my surname im glad now because her father is not apart of her life anymore

Ashley - posted on 06/15/2009

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The father of my child doesnt want our child to have his last name because we werent married. Which i dont understand what the child having his last name has anything to do with marriage. I have my fathers last name and my parents werent married, but he is a active father. So i think it depends, if he's going to be around. I believe that its a blessing that he wants to be apart for your childs life. Because not a lot of guy wants too, i wish i knew exactly if the father of my child is going to be around or not. To me it does matter on whose last name the baby has as long as they are loved and cared. Just feel firm and comfortable with your choice before you make it. worst come to worst change it or geive your child both last names.

Ashley - posted on 06/15/2009

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The father of my child doesnt want our child to have his last name because we werent married. Which i dont understand what the child having his last name has anything to do with marriage. I have my fathers last name and my parents werent married, but he is a active father. So i think it depends, if he's going to be around. I believe that its a blessing that he wants to be apart for your childs life. Because not a lot of guy wants too, i wish i knew exactly if the father of my child is going to be around or not. To me it does matter on whose last name the baby has as long as they are loved and cared. Just feel firm and comfortable with your choice before you make it. worst come to worst change it or geive your child both last names.

Christina - posted on 06/15/2009

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i don't really think it matters who's last name the child has. even if you don't give the child the father's last name, the father still has rights to the child anyway. both of my children don't have mine or the father's last name. neither father is on the birth certificate, but both fathers could take me to court for joint custody or full custody if they wanted. so the choice is up to you.

Sarah - posted on 06/15/2009

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Im pregnant with my 3rd and the father says he wants to be there. But as long as Im not married this baby gets my last name. I just dont want to explain to my boys why the baby has a different name. And if the dad is really there then its not that hard to change the last name.

Andrea - posted on 06/15/2009

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I gave my children their fathers last name, but after a year changed my mind and changed it legally. Whatever you do, make sure that the decision you make is a "for-sure" decision, as it isn't cheap to legally change names. And it sounds like if you give your child his last name and try to change it later he may contest it. I would give the child your name, and if he truley stays a part of the childs life then HE can pay for it to be changed if that is what you choose. I agree with the mom that says it is a pain to have a different last name than your child.
I have another friend who gave her child the dad's last name and now that the "baby" is 10, she wants the same last name as her mom...just things to contemplate. GOOD LUCK

Tracey - posted on 06/15/2009

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If this guy is definatley not going to be the father of your second child then I would say keep your name. It is very confusing for a child if they have a different name from mum and siblings - sharing a family name is part of sharing a family. Let him know that if he earns the right to be considered a father by his child then the child can always choose to use his fathers name in the future. In the mean time when they call your name at school or in the doctors surgery then the child will always feel part of the wonderful concept of family. If is is good enough for the queen of England to have her name for her children and even her husband then it is certainly good enough for the rest of us.

Samantha - posted on 06/14/2009

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well... i didnt give my daughter her sperm donors last name because he wasnt ther for me or for her. giving the last name doesnt mean anything legally. if he signs the birthe certificate then that means he has rights as a parent just like u do. i would wait and see if he steps up b4 u do anything cuz once its on paper ita a wrap..

Candi - posted on 06/14/2009

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my daughters have both last name, his first then mine, i did that b/c i has 17, we stayed togetheir untill they were 5, that was 3 yrs ago that we left, their many pro and cons to this,



the pros of having both names, or at least yours,

their no issues for when you leaves the area , go on vaca out of the country { trying to get a passport and explain why you both dont have the same last name, will rise ?'s} i know people who this has happen to, , or sign your child up for school,



the other thing i have an issue with by useing both names it does get confuseing, since two last names does make it long some place{ health ins} will choose the name of the pirmary card holder, so you have to keep that in mind it might be on the paper work with both names but the card will only show one, since im not with their fater i tend to use my last name, one its easier for me to remeber that everything is this name, and i have had pharmcey put them under both last names , or just his or just mine,



if you to are not going to be togetheir .. you never know what months or years will bring, and not to sound meand, but the father may not be around, if i was you , i would use both, or just yours, since the baby will be living with you , you can always change the last name down the road too, but that may cost you money , depend ing on the reason for a change,

hope all goes well

Rondha - posted on 06/14/2009

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If the child is his then he should have his last name. He's not just your child, he was given to you and this man from God and you must treat him as such. There are no leagal issues with the child carrying his father's last name. He will still be your child and the father will have no more legal power over the child than he does right now unless you give that to him. Right now the child is not really being identified correctly because he is carrying his father's blood and nobody knows it. That's not fair to the father or yourself.

Katie - posted on 06/14/2009

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I gave my daughter her father's last name even though we are not married, but if I could do it again I would have given her my last name. It can be a real hassle to have a different last name than your child!

Sanquanetta - posted on 06/14/2009

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Me personally I didn't give my daughter her father's last name because we are not married.

Deana - posted on 06/14/2009

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I would wait and see if hes even there when the child is born. See if he really is even worth having your childs name put as his.

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