just became a single mom....

Jennifer - posted on 05/23/2011

Hiya. Thought I'd drop in (: I'm a single mother of 2, ages 20 months and 5 1/2 years. I was pretty much a single parent since the day of my older daughters birth. And when my second daughter came along I was still basically doing it alone. The father wasn't much help, if any. He lived on another island and there's just a crap load that goes with the stories of both fathers lol but once again I was doing all the midnight feedings, etc. and raising another child alone. It was my worse fear come true because I never wanted to do it again. I decided to give the father until her first birthday to make things right. And if not, I was going to wait until my taxes came the following year and let him figure it out and file child support. I lost my job last December so that didn't help any lol. He was getting away with giving me $200 a month since she was born and not always on time, either. Sometimes he'd "accidentally" (who knows) miss a payment and I made sure his payments were caught up by Feb. And when he realized I didn't want to see him anymore (as I said, I let him "figure it out") he stopped paying me crap! That's okay. I got the last laugh. The child support order was for over three times that amount, the first of which came in this month.
I realized somewhere down the road that I didn't want to stay with him, that things were never going to change, and that he probably thought I was going to just put up with him until she turned 18. Yeah....no. I also realized with this past relationship (although technically I think I'm still in that one :0 lol but don't know lol) that I think I want to be completely single (at least for the time being) for the first time in my life. And I mean first time. I've also never been single for very long, so the fact that I'm finding myself thinking that I just might want to be is huge. Without the father or a boyfriend around there is no other two cents! As many of these ladies before me mentioned you get to raise your child your way, not theirs, and not in between lol. And you only need to worry about taking care of your children and yourself instead of an additional child you never gave birth to or a boyfriend that wants to come over for meals because he's too lazy to cook (single dad or not, hellooooooo I'm a single mom AND I have full custody of my children, not only the days I have off from work even when I had my job lol sorry had to get that out haha) or making sure things are done at night by a certain time because they want to come over! AND there's no one trying to give you suggestions on the children that you were around every night and took care of since they were born or no one to not believe you when you tell them, "No, that's not why." LOL sorry. There's just so many pluses! Being mommy is hard enough, but being a mommy and daddy is one of the hardest jobs you'll ever do, but we're all doing it and you CAN, too (: Another plus? You get to claim both mother's and father's day :P
Just make sure you try to take advantages of "me time" during nap time and the earlier night hours. And it does help when the child has people who show interest in and love them as someone mentioned above. Even if it's their uncles or your dad, positive male influences in their lives are important. Doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend. Just someone. (:
Anyways, lol sorry I rambled. If you ever want to talk to someone, I'm here (:

Amy - posted on 05/21/2011

Tashia, you can do it. I lived with my ex (father of our 4 kids) for 22 years. I put up with many many affairs over the years. I put up with physical and mental abuse. When my husband started seeing someone, a second time around, I had just had it, and threw him out. I was so mad and angry and bitter at first. It's been a year and a half, and although things have gotten pretty bad since then, it wasn't near as bad as I felt living with him. Hang in there! I had to do finally, what was right for ME! P.S. I now have a boyfriend of 10 months, that spoils me rotten. It is nice to have someone that pays ME more attention than he does my kids, lol

Tashia - posted on 04/22/2010

Thanks. Im scared of the unknown and failing yes, but I think this site will help me big time with getting thru this!!
And yes I agree, Aiden and I are better then the drama and he doesnt deserve the satisfaction of me being upset about this. Im learning everyday. I just need to hurry up and move!!!

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

Well Tashia it isn't easy. I raised my children from the ages 3.5 and 5 alone. I had to move back in with my parents as well for a bit. Those same children are now grown and raising children themselves. Having people that love your child and that have an investment in him will help to ease the loss of dad. As far as the girls are hanging around - I know why you want to know.....understand it............wish it wasn't so for you. One thing I wish that you can really grab ahold of is that what he does or doesn't do really does not have anything to do with your or the little ones worth. Just remember you are better than all of the drama. As far as his family thinking you can't handle it. Remember who raised him......lol That should really change your opinion on them a bit. :) You will be fine and when you get scared, etc. go into the bathroom look in the mirror and tell yourself "God wouldn't have given me this precious gift if he didn't think I could handle it." then take your hand and pat yourself on the back or take your foot and kick yourself in the butt. Which ever is needed at the time. Good luck doll.

Sara - posted on 04/20/2010

being a single mom is a struggle...sometimes its an almost staggering weight on my shoulders but its also one of the most amazing things that ive ever done...my boys are 6 and 8...ive always been on my own, even when there father was present...i just wanted to let you know that you can only do your part in making sure that the interactions between your ex and you are ammicble...i choose not to let my feelings get in the middle of any dealings i have with him for the sake of my boys and that in its self is soooo hard but doable...although he still tries to get me to argue i just let it go... parenting wether single or not is one of the biggest most stressful and truly amazing things you will ever do...find support from various sources because that will be vital to you when its in the more stressful times.

Tashia - posted on 04/20/2010

Thanks for the support!! Its not an easy change at all but I don't want my son to see how his dad treats me, like you said Tiffany. I do feel some relief like weight has been lifted by leaving a loose/loose situation, and that feels good. Im so glad I found this circle!! I do have to say I feel proud of myself for making the decision and I feel much better hearing you ladies thoughts. If you ladies can do it Im sure I can. It is still hard thou. I had a horrible childhood with divorced parents that hated each other and I just pray that the same doesnt turn out for him.

Chranda - posted on 04/20/2010

I embraced being a single mother when I was 7months pregnant I knew that my sons father would not be in his life!! I became real with my situation and took care of business then my son is now 10yrs old now and I cant see it any other way. I get all of the rollercoaster that goes along with parent hood first words walking potty first girlfriend first heartbreak all of it and gotta say its hard work but well worth it!!

Jayne - posted on 04/20/2010

you'll be great!
i actually am really glad im single. no-one to worry about but my baby girl.
im studying and bringing her up and its really fine.
i live with my mum and dad and am happy to say that i saw a study (i do early chilhood education) that says kids from single parents in a multi-generational household often actually do better than kids from dual parent households. so i take comfort in that...

:)

Tiffany - posted on 04/19/2010

Moving in with your parents is not an easy decision at all. I left my husband May 2008 my daughter was 3 weeks old when i kicked him out of our home. I was not working and had no means to support myself. I finished the remaining 2 months in my place, then moved in with my parents and I have been here since. I'm going to school for my BSN which seems like I will be here forever. It takes time to transition but leaving was the best thing I could do for us. To me when I kicked him out it was a huge sigh of relief. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. You can do this and you will. My family wasn't much support during the entire divorce process. All I kept getting from my parents was them telling me how stupid I was and them constantly asking me what I was thinking being with such an abuser and manipulator. My friends were the best support and still are. When I was pregnant I was determined I was not going to be a single parent, it was not what I planned, things changed the second I had her. There was no way I was going to let my daughter be raised thinking it was ok to be treated like that and live in constant fear of him. I did not trust to be alone with her at all.
Living with my parents is the good with the bad. I do not intend to raise her the exact way they did things with me and my brothers and that has been a struggle, but ultimately she is my child and I get the final say. It will all work itself out. Have faith in yourself. I love being a single parent.

Amanda - posted on 04/19/2010

i agree with samantha...u can now make all the decisions for your son without anyone disagreeing with you. your son an you deserve a man who is going to put you first. ive been a single mom for a year an a half...its so hard being a single morm workin and go to school but you do what you have to an becuase i love my child so much i do it neways. life will probably be a little harder until you get used to your new situation but you dont have to suffer from hearache anymore. i always say the best thing about being a single mom is we do all the work and get all the love. you can do this you just have to keep telling yourself that when it gets hard. look at the positives like that you have family support.

Samantha - posted on 04/19/2010

Being a single mom is not bad at all :-) I had my son at 16 so I've been a single parent the whole time... I moved out at 18 (after finishing hs and working full time) and moved back to NY where I've been living alone for the past 4 yrs with my son, whos turning 6 in less then a month. You dont have to worry about someone telling you how to raise ur son, there wont be fights or arguments they'd hear otherwise, u can dress him, discipline him, feed him watever you want and there wont be someone nagging you about it. Sure, at times it get stressful, but as I tell my son all the time, we are all we have, were a team, and we have to help one another out. Just take it one step at a time, and have faith that everything will be ok and it will be... sometime u gotta jump without thinking wats at the bottom...