Just want to hear what other think On this???

Tiffany - posted on 06/21/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have a 19 month old and a 3 week old they have different fathers. My 19 month old son dad showed up in his life at 7 months of age and his dad only shows up in my son life when is family pushes him to come see him and thats about every 3 to 4 months. i had to ask the fathers family stop calling him dad in front of my son because all it was doing was confusing him. i don't know if i should tell the father that if he want to be in my sons life thats he has to be around more or just get out of his life? Now the next part I have a 3 week old daughter and her father hasn't even come to meet her and everytime i talk him he says " as bad as it sound I don't have the time to come see her " as of right now he has no job and isn't doing anything! so i don't know if just tell him to get involed or just don't bother coming around? I just want my kids to know their dads. I don't want there money or them i just want my kids it know what it like to have a father in there life that want to be there and not because they have to pay support!!!

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Seeing as you obviously want your kids to know their dads I would say give them another chance to show they want to be around and if they don't step up, move on. Let them know this is their chance and if they blow it, they blow it. Like you said, your son is already confused because he doesn't know his dad and he's 19 months old. Do you really want him to go through that for the next how many years of his life? Same thing for your daughter. If her dad "doesnt have time for her" and she's only three weeks old I can't imagine him changing his mind years down the road but you never do know. I would say give them another chance but if it doesn't work out, it might be time to leave it alone.

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Amanda - posted on 07/18/2010

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Well honey I hate to tell you that even if you did file for child support they probably still wouldnt come around. My daughter's dad only knows her name because it was on the court papers, when I called him to tell him that she was born he asked me when he could sign the papers to terminate his rights (laws in Texas wont allow him to, he tried). The fact of the matter is that if they dont want to see their children they arent, men dont feel the same way about their children that women do, we see it as how could they not want to be around their child and they dont even think about it. My advice is this... you have 2 children that need all of your attention, quit focusing on the men and give that extra attention to them, there is nothing those men can give them that you cant. Good luck.

Tiffany - posted on 07/15/2010

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I thank all of you for your replay and it nice it know i am not the only one that feels this way at still hate knowing there are more guys out there acting like sprem donors then fathers... i know how hard it is on all of you! so i want to thank you all and wish you all the best of luck with everything in your life and you can do anything because it so hard to raise your child(ren) on your own! Report- I told the father of my son it was time to step up or leave he now sees his son every second weekend and the father of my daughter still hasn't come to see her ( makes me sad but i am done caring about if he does or doesn't ) i will meet the right person for me and they will love my children as much as i do and intil then i will have to wait and do everything i can to make sure they know how much i love them :) thank you all again and all your advice help me out :)

Vanessa - posted on 07/14/2010

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YAY - go back and read Karly's post - took the words right out of my typing fingers!!!!

Kristina - posted on 07/14/2010

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Unfortunatly you can't force someone to be a father and in my honest opionion you are better off not having to deal with them. Someone is out there that will be a great dad for them. You are there world and I would cheerish that.

Deborah - posted on 07/14/2010

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My dad wasn't around much when I was growing up. He had visitation to see me every Saturday afternoon, which was great.... as long as he didn't go to the pub first, then I'd always get a phone call saying he had a funeral to go... I didn't even know my dad had so many friends! There was one time he disappeared for a whole year. To say the least me and my dad are far from close, in fact of wondering who he was and what he's like I hate him for all the times he let me down and stood me up. My mum done a great job of bringing me up on her own with no help from him. And when I threw out my husband my only demand to him was either be there or don't, I told him he could come and see her as often as he wanted, but if he started not turning up then I would stop him seeing her at all... he never wanted to see her and I have never forced the issue. For the first 6 months or so I let him know (through his parents who come to see her every week) that he could come down and I would not stop him etc, but he never has. I will not force the issue, if he wants to see her he knows where she is, if he doesn't thats his choice.... and his loss!

Kawaiiana - posted on 06/29/2010

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tiffany you will have to do what i did for mine. be firm and let him know be there completly or not at all. tell his family if they want to see him they can but call him by his name and not dad or daddy around my son or your priveleges to him will be removed also. let them know is not doing what it takes to be a daddy so he does not deserve to be called one in the pressence of my child.

as for your daughters father he is just slow. if he is not working he has no escuse tell him to step or step out and kick rock barefoot. don't worry about child support because then they always have tabs on you. if they do not want to be there then bye. just never speak of the bad things they have done with the kids. if they ask just tell them it was not there fault

Collene - posted on 06/24/2010

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Forget the excuses your children's fathers are giving you - Period. If they want to see their children, they will. There's a big difference between making it hard for them to visit their kids, and them using you as a scapegoat for why they don't. My son is 4 and has seen his father 3 times in the last 3 years. He now has no visitation rights. Before I yanked his visitation rights from him, I went to a child therapist (myself to aid in decision making, not to take my son), and have taking college courses on parenting and read numerous books. They ALL say that single parent households are more beneficial to a child than a parent bouncing in and out of a child's life. I'd advise having a talk/email with the fathers about your concerns and noting that this is their decision, not yours. Be firm in your intentions and if they don't step up, kick them out! Your job as a parent is protect your kids and help them to grow into great adults, but you can't do this if you allow their fathers to have a negative influence on them. Chose the people you allow into your life, as well as your children's, very carefully and rid everyone who brings negativity. A child without a father is much better than one who does damage to them!

Also, one piece of advice I got from the child therapist is to keep a notebook of the steps you take and those of the children's fathers. This is because when your now young kids become a bit older (ie teenagers) they might look to someone to blame for their father's absence. If you keep a fair journal, (one that doesn't make you appear as a saint and them as the devil), then your children can better understand the process that occurred when they were younger. They might be better capable of understanding why you felt the need to protect them. It will also serve as a fact time-line to debunk a fathers accusation that the reason they never saw their children was because "Your Mother wouldn't let me."

Good luck!!!

Rebecca - posted on 06/22/2010

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My 2 cents worth... I think you should go for child support. Then at least your kids get something from their dads. If you don't need the money it could go towards a college fund or a car when they come of age. It might even instill a sense of responsibility in dad - you never know... As for the rest of it - only they can make that decision.

Barbora Milena - posted on 06/22/2010

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no father is better than a bad father... those two sounds pretty useless, sorry to say it like this... the first one just confuses your son popping into his life randomly and the other one reminds me the "father" of my 7months old daughter. I saw him for the last time when I was 20wks pregnant!!! I prefer do not push him or oblige him to take part in her life ( I have not even demanded the child support) and by time I believe I will find the "real dad" for her who will want to be in her life, who will care about her and be there for her...

Lauren - posted on 06/21/2010

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sometimes it is better for the father to not be around. Because if the situation continues the way it is your kids are going to start thinking they have done something wrong to make their fathers not want them. I would tell them to be a man and step up now, or don't bother at all. It's confusing and hurtful to the kids.

Alesha - posted on 06/21/2010

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its good that you want your kids fathers in their lives but if its only dissapointment then it would probally be best if they werent. you will find a man someday who loves your children and will care for them as his own, but as of right now, in my opinion, if you are making an effort but they arent then i would just leave it alone cuz it will bring stress into your life and you should just concentrate on being the best mother you can be for your kids. good luck :)

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