Keeping the father away by CHOICE

Vanessa - posted on 10/07/2010 ( 244 moms have responded )

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I really just want to get some perspective on the issue. Is anyone out there, being a single mum by CHOICE? I've fought, and will continue to try keep the biological 'father' of my son OUT of his life. Its been an extremly thought through decision, and if i could, i would get my ex to sign his rights over ... but am kind of scared to do so, incase it opens a court case of him trying for visitation rights. I can't even begin to describe how ridiculous the thought of him caring for a child would be, but yet, part of me worries. Im currently protected via and AVO and have been exempt from sseeking child support. I really dont want anything from this person...

AVO - Apprehensive Violence Order

and if u get EXEMPT from Child support - it means you have VALID reasons for the GOVERNMENT to NOT seek financial support from the father - due to extreme reasons (ie - domestic violence etc)

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Nik - posted on 01/23/2013

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Sounds like we are in the same boat here. How are you keeping the idiot out of your sons life? Need some tips here.

Alexiss - posted on 01/23/2013

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I get you because im currently 7 months pregnant and me and the baby's dad barely talk maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks sometimes even a month goes by without a call. i dont know what to do about him , im currently a teen mom and hes basically in a group home and is probably still currently doing drugs. he has been in jail and i just need help because i dont want him to try to get custody of our baby girl sylvia im so scared! Should i not put his name on the birth certicate or take him to court or waat ?? i have been thinking what to do for a long time , i just need help on what to do. what if the judge doesnt agree with mee ? i feel like he hasnt been here for mee and sylvia even though shes not born yet, i think if hes not here while im pregnant why would he be there for HER ? i dnt mind him seeing her like once a week but thats only if im with her and making sure he isnt doing drugs or anything. can i get him drug tested?? what can i do because i dont want negative energy by me and our daughter its just so hard because hes in a group home . should i cut him out of our lifes and get joint custody or what?? thanks :)

Vanessa - posted on 10/02/2013

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hi chelsea .... what about supervised visits? If he is not trusted to be sober then I would be asking for breath tests before interaction...and maybe a 2 hour supervised visit? ... until he builds his trust back up with u in regard being sober. Have that in place for a few months and everytime he messes up - record it.

I tend to see mother's always bending over backwards, when it should be the father doing everything he can to see his child/children. Let the man be responsible for his actions. It may hurt u as a parent to see ur child be let down, but always remember YOU ARE NOT LETTING YOUR CHILD DOWN, their father is.

Ive seen children, despite all attempts from their mum to involve the dad in the childs life, be more affected by being let down by their dad, rather than not having their hopes lifted in the first place. Ie - The dad visits every saturday ... child gets excited .... dad always bails night before 3 out of 6 visits....the child is more upset.

The father should either be ALL IN or ALL OUT - floating in and out of a childs life is more damaging than not being involved at all.

Mercedes - posted on 07/30/2013

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Hi Vanessa, My name is Mercedes. I understand where you are coming from. Even in the animal kingdom, self preservation is number #1. I am an older mother. I didn't have my son until I was in my late 30s and drs told me I could never have children. I tried to marry first but that didn't work. I actually became pregnant by a highschool sweetheart. This man had grown into anything but sweet and when I met him he had other children mothers and a tumultuous relationship with an ex. The blame lies with me to think I could have unprotected sex and get away with it. I got pregnant the first time and have a beautiful son. I don't like to bash his father but the facts are he was abusive towards me during my pregnancy. He stole money from me. I am a jeweler and he tried to destroy my designs and handmade jewelry. He went on facebook and bashed my family because they support me. I have a good job with the government and he would try to restrain me from going to work and try to force me to give him my paycheck. Not to mention the ex caught wind I was pregnant and became jealous and joined in to make my life hell. Thank God that when my son was born, the man's father brought him a ticket to Florida and he disappeared. He still harasses me at work, and bashes me for having the means to care for my son without him. I don't ask him for anything and my business is successful which only adds to his fury. Its not that women want babies without men but sometimes the soft nurturing side can't coexist with aggression with overbearing, violent egos. Some men aren't cut out for raising a child. Their violent rages can kill a small child and a woman as well. Sometimes you don't know when a man is violent or abusive until you lay with him and the relationship is compromised. I agree if danger is involved, physical, mental, and verbal. You must take advantage of time, distance, and space. It is your best friend. Good luck hun!

Jenifer - posted on 07/26/2013

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The saying , "patience is a virtue" has taken on a whole new meaning. My conflict is this. My daughters father was and is a sociopath, bully, and cant accept the fact I stood up to him , ie restraining orders, ect... He busts my balls through using my daughter. Now the problem is The fact he uses my dauhgter to bust my balls enrages me to a level of anger I cant disclose, but the bitch of the matter is I know shes safe with him and she loves him, and ahe may or may not read between the lines. the buttons he pushes are borderline and will have no standing in court, Im always fighting the instinct to resolve the issue and confront him in an unpleasent way, then I have to focus on what is my daughters best intrest, so it is so frustrating to always have to swallow it and take the higher road. my strength is being able to cut through the emotional shit and look at the reality. EXHAUSTING. BUT by acting and not reacting he inevitably shoots himself in the foot. Its like a chess game . he antaganizes me constently and I have to basically treat him like he has a handicap and keep geting poked. It takes so much out of me to refrain from reacting the way I want to because it would make me legless and set a bad examlpe for my daughter. Why wont he stop , this chess game sucks . anyone get where Im coming from?

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Vanessa - posted on 08/15/2014

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provided u pose no risk to u daughter - then i see no 'problems' so to speak for you to see your child.

im not a man hater - i just legit had safety concerns and some very serious breaches on his behalf. Im happy to give u advice as i have looked a lot into legalities between separated parents.

Matt - posted on 08/13/2014

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well I read alot of the writings that you ladies do on here but what about a great father I am that i have two other kids with another woman but yet my ex that has my first child wont allow me to see or be apart of my child life from day one how is it fair to me that I have been fighting for my rights to see an be apart of my child life from birth even to day today is her bday an the mother to this day wont allow me even visit my child how is this fair

Damien - posted on 12/13/2013

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Lindsay, I noticed that you said your child's father was living off his moms money, on drugs since 11, and was a drug dealer etc. I noticed you never said anything about HIS father. What was that relationship like. Sounds to me like he was either absent or a poor choice. See the pattern?

Damien - posted on 12/13/2013

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Good for you Vanessa. But YOU laid down with him. YOU brought HIM into YOUR child's LIFE. Your child could have had a happy life with ANY father, but YOU chose their dad. And now you want a pat on the back because you've finally found your path AFTER the fact!? Yes, it may be good now, but the stats say that YOU'VE put him/her in the greater chance to lose category. But, you'll probably blame all of this and that on their dad. Like I said, READ. STUDY. Check out the statistics. And a nurse!? Who's raising your kid then? And once you're working those long nurse hours who's raising them then? Like I said, poor planning and you want to take no responsibility. You only want to hate the fact that I'm calling you out. But, since their dad is in jail, maybe he'll reform. Hopefully he can, and hopefully you can heal. Your child needs and deserves that. You can't disagree with that Vanessa.

Damien - posted on 12/13/2013

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Lindsay, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. He should have never done that. And no I wouldnt want my daughters to go through anything like that. And you know what? Because I'm in their life, I would move heaven and earth to ensure that. What happened to you and Vanessa and any other women on this site is deplorable, but it sounds like he needs some serious intervention. Actually, your new family does. You don't have to stay with him, and no I wouldn't suggest him taking yours and his child because that's the same problem again. And I'd argue with any man saying he wants to talk his child away from their mother as well.

Let me share a personal story. I was involved with a slightly older women when I was young. When she said she was pregnant I found another job and got an apartment for us and our baby which turned out to be twin girls. When I discovered she was cheating on me I moved out. And shortly after the twins were born I found myself in a new relationship. My new girlfriend hated my ex. And would out of anger always say to me, "you know those aren't your kids right." I would of course get angry about it, but take it with a grain of salt. Because of my background I was ashamed of the fact that I had children out of wedlock, but never would I let anyone try to deny me. Two years latermmy girlfriend and I also had a little girl. But she thought since we now had a child I'd leave the other ones. When I didn't, she became irrational. She decided that she was going to raise our daughter on her own since that was what her now late mother did. So she took child support out on me and vowed that I'd never see my child again. For the last 15 years she was right. She decided to move on with a past boyfriend and decieve my daughter. She told her he was her father. I didn't know how to fight that. There were no sites like this one then. Least I didn't know of any. But back to the twins, I began hearing stories about their mother. Which then prompted me to look into the paternity issue. Especially since she disappeared for two years. Since I was a little more savvy by this time I got the test. They were 0.00% mine. I cried and cried and cried. Not only was I lied to I lost my daughter due to those lies. But, she simply moved on and since I was already bonded to them I vowed I'd never leave them. But their mother eventually lost custody of them and since I wasn't their father or their older brother they ended up with their older brother's grand parents.

Today, My daughter has finally made her way back to me, but she's hurting. She was devastated when she learned who she thought was her dad wasn't, but her mom was in too deep. Though my check came in every month since birth I was hidden. Hidden until recently that is. Now I'm trying to repair a relationship and repair the life of a little girl that didn't ask for NONE of our missteps. It was our fault! And she's paying for it. The twins are paying for it! But guess what?Even though I could reasonably be throwing stones at their mothers, I pray for the strength to help them. I don't want them to miss out on the relationship of their other side. I pray that like me, they'll learn from their mistakes. Even while my daughter sits in therapy while her mother paints a picture of me leaving her fatherless I pray to find the right words to not turn her against her mother. Even though she's gravitating in that direction anyway.

So there is a not so quick breakdown as to why I know what I'm talking about. Though the circumstances are different the end results can end up the same. Find him some help. Find him some help so he can be a good father to his and your child. He may never be a good boyfriend or husband, but you can help him be a good father. You owe that much to you child. That's what I mean by your decisions along with his created him/her. So you have to find a way to fix it. Please.

Lindsay - posted on 12/13/2013

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Hayden! Sooo rte, it's about the baby!!! That is exactly WHY I don't have my baby around her father as he was also abusive 2 me and is a current drug addict, has been since he was 11 (he is 32 now)! Sooo I'm doing what is best for MY baby! If he was on the rte path and does turn his life around, I will would certainly want him 2 have a relationship with her! But he has not proved he is doing that at all and what came in the mail yesterday just proved this! He lives off of mommys $$!! He hasn't had a job for YEARS except being a drug dealer! I could go on for hours about my story. My past is not a perfect one BUT I have completely turned my life around when I found out I was pregnant. I love my baby girl more then anything! She is the love of my life and she bascially savedy life! Soo I will fight tooth and nail!

Vanessa - posted on 12/13/2013

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FFS damien - You know nothing about me! or the topic because you would know by now that the father being who he was - was sent to jail - because I 'the young inexperienced woman' said to him enough is enough - and took the LEGAL pathway - to FINALLY show this man what it means to be responsible for HIS ACTIONS - and it was HIS actions that got him where he was - and HIS actions that led to his DEATH!

MY ACTIONS got me where i am today - HOUSED, NURSING DEGREE, PROVIDING FOR MY FAMILY, IN A STABLE HOME - I simply wanted OTHER women out there - to NOT FEEL ASHAMED for choosing a better life for their kids.

BY ALL MEANS - the life of the child has to come first - but if IM CHOOSING FOR MY SON TO BE SAFE there is NOTHING wrong with that,

I accepted my role as a parent - and all i wanted from my son's father - was for him to be a father - BUT did i think my son would be safe with this man? NO. Did i say he could visit? yes - supervised - with appropriate people - did i say to this 'father' YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT THE PAPER WORK AND GET THE BALL ROLLING....oh thats when he did nothing!!!! SO im not letting YOU Damien put shit on me - or anyone else in this group.

Damien - posted on 12/13/2013

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I can understand how it can seem one sided. But, how can you not even try to understand when we're on a site called circle of moms and were having this discussion on a thread about keeping kids away from their fathers? And you're talking about me being one sided!? Vanessa, believe it or not but I'm trying to help. Forgive my approach, but I'm having issues with this topic. It's terrible. To me, its like looking for advice on how to kill yourself. Of course the person considering suicide is or has been in pain, but an inabler is not the answer there and nor is it here. Hurt desperation isn't where one should be looking for advice, but you should instead talk to the children that were victims of this topic. If my daughter wasn't so distraught I'd maybe ask her to speak to you. But after 15 years she's trying to pull herself together. I wouldn't ask her to speak on this until she's fully healed. Because her words would be a lot more harsh and "one sided". I know abuse Vanessa. I know manipulation. I know hurt and pain. I also know what it feels like to NOT have anywhere or anyone able to give good helpful advice. I had to seek it from within.

That's not the point though, the irresponsibility of this thread is. There are too many confused young inexperienced mothers in the world to put such a personal "each is own" type subject out there. Though, I expected some fatherhood disrespect here I'm truly disappointed in this topic. If you need to get away, there are thousands of sources for you. But even that's not the point. As a responsible mother/women you should be trying to ensure that the next young women never forgoes what you've been through. Otherwise, you're helping to create the next generation of broken homes. I challenge you to look at the other "other side". Research how the children deal with broken homes. Research how they felt etc. Then let's pick this back up.

Lindsay - posted on 12/13/2013

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Vanessa - my story is very similar 2 yours! I do NOT want the father of my beautiful baby girl in her life. He is a current drug addict and was physical abusive 2 me rte after I found out I was pregnant! I left, that was in march! I gave him another chance just 2 find out he is still a lying, manipulating scumbag! That was for 5 days back in August! I have not spoken 2 him since! Moved 2 another state! My baby was born in the state I live in currently and is a resident of this state! My parents live at my old address and just received something from him in the mail yesterday that he is filing for full emergency custody! I'm scared 2 death that he will get sum rtes! I had 2 take my baby away from him, it is what is best for her and I! I love my baby girl soo much and I do not want this man 2 be a part of her life bc of all the bad he is still doing! If he was on the rte path, it would be a different story! She is 2 months old! Soo I'm rte there with ur girl! And yes Damien I suggest u go somewhere else as u don't know everyone's story! Would u want a women beater around ur daughters and be a part of there life? Probably not rte, soo why would I want this man around my baby after he beat me up 4x's after he found out I was pregnant!!

Vanessa - posted on 12/12/2013

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damien - what your saying doesn't come off as harsh - its very one sided.

You are grouping women into a category without knowing any of their story. At the end of the day this is a discussion forum - and i created this thread to get advice from people who have experienced similar situations.

I did not ask for people for advice on 'not getting pregnant' ... or this or that .. no one can change the past, only re-direct their future and make healthy choices for their children and their lives.

This thread is to help guide/support women who face these decisions. I am not a professional who can help people, and by no means neither are you.

So I suggest if your only here to "speak the hard truth" and not offer 'useful advice' ( telling a girl she should never have got pregnant - now - thats not very useful is it? ) - best u be off to a different discussion group

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Silence me if you like BK. I love my mother, my grands, my aunts, my four daughters, and their mothers. I have a love and respect for women that obviously you don't understand. I look at women as my equals. Meaning, we share the pain with the joy. I'll praise you when your right, and condemn you when you're wrong. I expect the same. But taking children from their fathers is wrong. Especially when its out of personal feelings towards them. If you made a mistake of laying with then that's YOURS. Not the child's. You're making yet another bad decision and I'm not going to let anyone poison the world my daughters are about to engage in praising poor choices.

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Why Vanessa? Because I see a problem that few want to admit? Because I feel that men and women are truly equal and with that we share all the perks and pitfalls? The America we live in now is a direct result of the single parent problem. There are many good mothers but just as many bad. But, seldom do we condemn the bad as much as we praise the good. Which leaves many lost ones feeling no responsibility. Because, all they have to do is use their little ones as pawns to gain sympathy that we give for the good of the children. But, they capitalize on it. Sometimes using fathers that fought against their short comings as a launch pad. I'm a product of a two parent home. A blessing! But, you wouldn't think so considering the hell I've faced trying to find someone that'll accept the love I have all bottled up. My parents have been married almost 40 years, no drinking, no fighting, no infidelity. And I'm the only product of their love. So I know a thing or two about what I'm talking about. There's no greater a feeling to coming home to your parents after enduring a hurtful world. Nothing like laughing and talking about things going all the way back as far as you can remember. Looking through pictures of grands, aunts, uncles, cousins, and seeing people that resemble you. It gives a sense of home that many don't understand. And sadly find unimportant. I Vanessa am the voice that many need to hear. A voice that's seen and experienced both sides of the coin. A son, a father. A father of two girls by biology and two by the laws of probability. So, before reject what I'm trying to convey, understand it. It will come off as harsh, but harsh is the bucket of cold water in the face we need.

[deleted account]

Vanessa, he is postjng in violation of community guidelines which state that men "are currently not allowed in the Circle of Moms communities to post questions or respond to conversations. Circle of Moms is looking into providing a dad-oriented community in the near future." I've already notified community management. Beyond that, I'm not wasting my time trying to debate someone who has so little respect for women.

I have otherwise enjoyed the conversation you started! Thanks!

Vanessa - posted on 12/12/2013

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Damien - I suggest you don't work within the community service sector where you have to deal directly with people.

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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That's beautiful! Hayden I believe what you've been through will make you a wonderful and powerful Matriarch one day. Teach her to draw from your strengh, learn from your weaknesses. Congrats!

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Hayden, please accept my apology. Though our discussion inspired my comment it was more directed at BK. Bk seems to want to wallow in self pity and victim mentality than to grow. Might can learn a lot from you.

Hayden - posted on 12/12/2013

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Everything happens for a reason. I don't even "woe is me." I made my choices. I made mistakes, but I can't regret them My child is the best thing that ever happened to me. I never felt sorry for myself. I was only sharing because maybe there are girls out there in this situation. I wanted everyone to know they have choices. They are in control of their lives. My daughter will never have to pay for this. I have decided to start a new cycle for my daughter. Children learn based on what they see. And all she sees is happy people. Normality. And when she does see me with a guy he will be a good guy. So that's what she will look at love like. My example. So when she chooses a guy it will be a good relationship.

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Hayden, that's awesome. I'm so glad to hear that. That monster you ran into will have to deal with what he's done or does. Trust me. But you, it would seem that you've been given a chance to cleanse an otherwise damaged bloodline. Boy or girl?

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Bk, what are you talking about? She's an adult. Not a child. She made mistakes. Mistakes that now her child will have to pay for one way or the other. Problem is people that treat women like unequal little children have put into even your head that its wrong to point out and maybe even repremand mothers that became mothers by circumstances that they could and should have gotten themselves out of. And now you want to cuddle them? What do you think the next attention starved little girl will do? Knowing BK, types will ooo and ahhh over their whoa is me story. And this isn't a highjack this a rude awakening.

Hayden - posted on 12/12/2013

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You are absolutely right Damien. He really got into my head. He had me so twisted that I believed I was the problem. I'm not afraid anymore though. I am a stronger person. I have healed. I have had sympathetic guys walk into my life offering me this, but that;s just not me. If I find a guy (like a soulmate) I will def welcome him. But now I am very...picky. Turned down several so far. I'm a strong independent woman. It will take a lot more then some crazies to take me down mentally now. I honestly believe I was in that relationship because I was a broken person. I just wanted someone to distract me, but then I thought to myself "Hey, can't be broken anymore. Can''t keep running from your inner demons (no pun) lol." So I took counseling. I found a spiritual path. I participate in MMA training. I have a job. I work on motor skills with her and show an enormous amount of empathy, and I made a lot of friends.I truly believe it doesn't matter what you go through. It is you and only who who can change things. If you want happiness you have to create it. I know many of you other women are sad, frustrated, ect. But you can make it. If you believe you can. :)

Damien - posted on 12/12/2013

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Hayden, your story is amazingly terrifying! I'm glad to hear you made it out of that alive. I hope you and your child are and will be OK for here on out. But, you do realize your story should about him should have been over at "Telling me I should kill myself". If at 4 months he's saying stuff like that, I have to wonder about you and your situation for you to choose to stick around after that. That's not a red flag, that's a red marching band. There shouldn't have even been a baby, pregnancy, or occult sacrifice threat. You put you in that. And now, you will either raise a baby in fear of his return, or look for some sympathetic guy to walk into your life and fall prey to whatever demons (no pun) in your life to show face. You're right though, the child didn't ask for that at all.

[deleted account]

Hayden, I'm sorry you went through that and glad you are safe. People who haven't been in abusive relationships just don't get it. There are crazy people out there! You can read about babies killed by their parents everyday. Mothers who protect their children need support, not guilt. You were smart and you did the right thing!

Hayden - posted on 12/12/2013

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Just my opinion why is it always "The father has rights. The mother has rights." I don't fucking get it. The children are people. Little people who cannot make decisions. They just trust you to make their lives happy. That's all they want. They want to be happy and laugh and be loved. My story...wow. I started dating this guy and he acted like he was prince charming. Said he wanted kids and to settle down.After 4 months he started becomeing mentally abusive. Telling me I should kill myself, no one loves me ect. He controlled my money. He made me pay for him and his friends to have a good time. ect ect. After 6 months we moved to a different city. He then became physically abusive and he would tell me why it was my fault that he was doing it. Very VERY manipulitive. THEN this is the horrific part. We move in with his friends. By this time I'm 4 weeks pregnant. He breaks my finger. Hits me over the head with a cookie sheet ect ect. But that's not it. His friend is a dilluded psycho who thinks he is possesed (I like my logic I think he has DID disorder) he has followers they go to this cult house (friend took me in there) they have animal sacrifices and he was talking about rituals involving my baby!!! I tell the bd all of this. His friend switched personalitys in front of him and get this! The bd says he believes he is possesed! WTF? I was so scared. His friends gf was super jealous (she admitted it what a lunatic) they make a house rule saying im not allowed to talk about being pregnant. I'm not allowed to pay for my own phone. I have this crazy man coming to me telling me craziness. So I decide to play it cool. (I watched a lot of criminal minds lol) I acted like I believed all of it. Until they trusted me enough to have internet. Contacted my friend and was out of there. Then I say "Hey bd you can see the baby when I have her just pllllleeease don't take the baby around that man." he tells ME "Fuck you cunt I can do what I want." Nuh uh. I then had to play like I was going no where. Acted crazier and crazier so no one would suspect me. Then hopped on a bus out of state. BD is not on birth certificate. Has no rights. Saved my child. It's not about the parents rights. It's about the childs life. What is right for the child??? Not the parents people.

Damien - posted on 12/11/2013

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Jacob. Lose the drugs, lose the drinking. Instead of letting yourself fall into depression everyday you don't see your daughter, try looking at it different. 1st, those girls you're cheating on, could be your daughter one day. She could fall for a depressed alcoholic with a drug problem one day. Honestly Jacob, she wouldn't need a guy like that in her life then or now. Just imagine if one of these binge drinking days she actually does arrive at your door... Who do you want to answer the door when she knocks?

Jacob - posted on 12/11/2013

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I am seeking help. Maybe people on here can read this for me. Im 22. I have a daughter that I had with an ex I lived with for 9 months, known each other for 10, she got pregnant when I took her virginity. I was 19 at the tome my ex 18. I was working graveyard and I had friends I gave into partying while my girl was pregnant and I slept with someone else. I nearly committed suicide the next hungover morning prior to telling my pregnant lover I had committed this sin. She immediately left me. Filed a restraining order which was granted with no evidence with such accusations on domestic violence, drug addiction, alcoholism. Immediately I was depressed as anyone should be as my girl was almost due. Soon enough, after a summer of drinking and tears a friend had seen a picture of my newborn on Facebook "I've obviously been blocked" and this was the day of my family reunion. I wept to my parents that they are now grandparents.. and my family comforted me. Since, I've not seen my daughter. No child support. Nor enough money to pay for DNA, lawyer and the such. I make 30g a year and live alone so its not affordable and I can't move with family because they hate me now or I'd save for the most important dollars I could spend. My restraining order was for 1 year. It was over..at least I thought until a sheriff shows up and I have a court date in TWO DAYS. This time, I sell my 98 jetta for a lawyer.. I win.. I guess you call it that. I don't. My ex was going for complete custody, she had recently been engaged within the year, and wanted a restraining order for the child "which the judge said was illegal and could not grant" so now there is no restraining order. ALSO prior to this new court date i had got a psych eval, drug and alcohol eval, and took a domestic violence class keeping all paperwork which i had passed and it helped me win this case. I really want to call her. And ask to visit for the first time but she is now engaged. Since, I have now tried drugs I've never done while court was going on. I drink every night and i think of suicide. I am unsocial to my family and coworkers. I've lost good friends. If your wondering, yes I've had multiple girlfriends after the breakup with her. I've thought I loved again but every girl since has been a hookup or I've cheated on them. I always think about my daughter. I have a tattoo of her name. I am so lost. I have a lot more of the story but I've said a lot. If you have questions, advice or anything nice to say I would appreciate everything.

Thanks,

Jacob

Damien - posted on 12/09/2013

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My 1st reaction to this thread was anger, but as I read more and more of these post I then felt sad. I feel for these poor children. I feel for the mothers that are receiving advise from other angry and or desperate mothers that can relate to your situation but won't feel even an ounce of the pain you'll receive later when this child realizes that their father was removed by you. Ladies, if "dad" chooses to leave then let him go, but if he wants to be there then YOU are committing an EVIL act towards the very child you say you love by keeping "dad" away. Trust me, I know there are some nuts out there, but guess what. Your child's father is a nut. No matter where you go, where you run, you can't change that. And here's the other side of the coin, the nut has a kid. That's right, the child IS his too. You truly don't have a right to keep him away. Now, the courts may say so. TV may say so. Even these other ladies may say so. But, truth is you don't. And if you do this chances are no matter how foul he was in your eyes your child WILL HATE YOU. Yes, you. Now, I'm going to leave you with some science and a touch of religion. Man carries the spark of life. Women carry the flesh for that spark to become human. Every 28 days or so if no man has given you a piece of his essence (spark, soul, spirit) then those materials simply flush out of you as WASTE. A man who never shares his essence surely dies and will be forever forgotten. But, if a man does share with you his spark and it does animate the soulless egg then a child is born to you both. To deny him is the ULTIMATE crime. You've killed him and mortally wounded the very essence of the child you tell yourself you love. But, here's where the burden of being a REAL woman sets in. Unless "he" forced himself on you all the troubles are because of YOU. Especially in today's age. Raise your standards and he will meet them, lower them and he will meet them too. And don't worry, though this may seem like I'm attacking mothers, I'm not. This is also an even bigger message to men. Your role in this is divine, RESPECT it, HONOR it, CHOOSE with pin point accuracy who you wish to bestow your gift. Every woman is not worthy, and not every man though its your birthright is worthy. So in closing, please, find a way to make this work, its hard to see now, but in the future you'll one day understand. Thank you.

Frank - posted on 12/06/2013

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I love all these post.. not one mentions they should had waited before having a child with a man.. ladies you all have a choice of having a baby through medical procedures. these men are bad toward you, not they kids.. by playing the keep away game and using the court system. later on will hurt your child.. not to mention men are still beast, play with their emotion can result in your death..
"Famous last word you will never see your baby.".

Aniesha - posted on 12/05/2013

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Hi I am 25 year old and I am considering keeping my childrens father out of their life. I have been married to him for 4 years and we have been together for just about 10 years about a year and a half into the relationship he began verbally abusive to me, being young and in love I out up with the verbal abuse shortly after the verbal abuse became physical. Some of the violence has taken place In front of my children and they at times fear him. He has had countless of affairs even went as low as sleeping with another woman who is currently in a relationship with now who resides 1 building away from where myself and my children stay, where we all love together. I am leaving him but am trying to locate and affordable apartment, he is basically throwing me out with the kids telling me that it isn't about that but I must get out because he doesn't want the marriage anymore. I feel like a man who can throw his wife and kids out on the street knowing they have no where else to go should not be worthy of a relationship with innocent beautiful children. The last incident of violence he strangled me until I was unconscious I requested a family court judge to issue a order of protection to keep him away from myself and my kids he was out of the apartment for 2 months the judge allowed him to return after showing he was enrolled in a domestic violence batterers program. It's been 2 weeks and already he is trying to throw me and my children out of the house to be with this other woman. I have asked for him to help by picking the children up from school but he will call and cancel showing that he is irresponsible and unreliable says he has things to do but myself and my 4 year old daughter saw him with this other woman and he basically called us liars. I want to be released from my marriage and I just would rather raise my children without a man like that in their life he shows no positive Influence. What should I do?

Vanessa - posted on 12/05/2013

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samantha edge, after reading your comment i was unsure of which direction to take. I created this thread to SUPPORT people in a situation where women in the SAME SITUATION can discuss and communicate their worries.

IF YOU HAD READ THE ORIGINAL post - VIOLENCE was the major contributor of me asking advice from others. I specifically asked for OPINIONS from others in the SAME SITUATION-

To add fuel to my rant SAMANTHA EDGE - saying the fathers behaviour was present to begin with -

well - YOU ARE WRONG - no - sorry - it doesn't happen that way. Just respect that in some instances - mothers simply want what is best for their children. and before u CONTINUE ranting about 'he was doing what he was when u slept with him' ........ at the end of the day - the guy who wants to date u isnt exactly going to wear a sign saying "IM CHARISMATIC CHARMING MAN _ FRIEND WITGH EVERYONE _ UNTIL U GET TO KNOW ME AND THEN ILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE AND CUT UP ALL UR GOOD CLOTHES AND BREAK UR ATM CARD SO U CANT BUY ANY NEW ONES" im not going to tell u my deep seeded story because ur too stupid to read this thread from comment 1-210. U just wanna shoot your mouth off - be my guest - but please be aware YOUR SITUATION - is NOTHING like what is being discussed!

And............ F.Y.I ------- YFS (figure it out)

Samantha - posted on 11/25/2013

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Thank you so much I agree with this completely ya know these women who say the father is an alcoholic or a drugie well im pretty sure he was doing the same thing when you were sleeping with him so it is your stupidity also so its so funny to see all these women up here just looking like some dumb bitches cause thats obviously what yall are

Anne - posted on 11/22/2013

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Ur son has the right to know who his daddy is. Not telling him is being selfish and unloving to ur child. The guy was good enough for you to open your legs right??

Katie - posted on 11/19/2013

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You need to look out for the best interest of your child. My daughters father is an alcoholic and he has never seen my daughter. When you take your child to visit him if he even smells like he has been drinking cancel the visit. No judge would look down on you for doing that. Keep your head up and children safe.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/15/2013

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I'm in a similar but different situation. I was with my 8 week old's bd for a year and half. He was on probation when we met and was trying to turn his life around. I've always had an issue with his drinking due primarily to the fact that he wasn't supposed due to his probation. I've been supporting us for over a year while trying to help him find jobs, all the while his drinking getting more prevalent. Everything finally came to a head about 2 weeks ago when he got drunk, got into an argument, and tried to get me to submit by choking me. I left, took my two kids. The whole time I've been gone he has done nothing but try to get me back claiming to have stopped drinking and I just need to come back home and how can we work on this if I'm not there. I told him he had to prove he would stop drinking by not drinking for a month. (deep down i knew he would fail. but i am done with the relationship. i still have feelings for him, but i'd rather be there in a supporting friend role than have to deal with any of this ever again). The first 10 days I was gone I found out he had drank 5 of them. The day before he admitted to me that he had drank, I let him visit with the baby while I went to visit my sister. He called me an hour later claiming he was going to keep the baby and I can visit whenever I want. I had the police meet me when I went to pick him up.

My dilemma is that I feel bad for not letting him see the baby. I'm currently living with my mother and sister who both had the bd's guts and wish he would die. I don't want to be a bad parent, or a bad person and keep the baby away from him. Especially when he asks. He knows I won't tolerate the bs and his priority right now is keeping his job and getting sober. So I'm torn between getting scrutinized for letting him see the baby by my family, or letting him see him secretly and then having something happen. Paternity hearings in a month and I don't want the court to look down on me because i kept the baby away for really no reason because the reasons have been secluded incidences.

Carlleitha - posted on 10/31/2013

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Im 23 my bd is 32 we have a 9 mth old daughter we are both in relationships unfortunately my partner is incarcerated im deeply in love and also happily married to him I've tried so hard to be the peaceful drama free bm to my bd im very respectful of his relationship but he's the complete opposite with me he lies constantly about me to my family and to his girlfriend im so lost cause I don't understand y he's doing all the weird crazy things he's doing I tell him to please leave me alone just care for his daughter but when im not doing something he wants then he punishes her he won't come pick her up or answer my calls when he knows its his day to have in the beginning all was well as months went by and he saw how true I was to my husband and that I wasn't giving in to him he changed i hate to keep my child from him but how things are going i seems like its the best thing to do he goes silent for a few days when he's mad at me it leaves me wondering does he really love his daughter or does he secretly want me I've tried talking to him about punishing his child because of his personal reasons I never even know y he's mad at me I've also tried talking to his girlfriend about him but seems like he has her mind I feel like he's trying to do me the same due to all the mind games he plays he tells me I better not be sleeping around and that he's my husband until my husband comes home it hurts me because I thought we were on the same page where our daughter was concerned I don't want him period I just want everyone to get along he told me in the end he's gonna be my husband and bd everything he is doing and saying he goes around saying its me imso coconfused cause usually its woman who cause drama but in my case its the other way around he tells his girlfriend that if she disrespect him then he will get me to kick her ass and he's lien I don't know y he causing all these problems with me im getting fed up with how he started neglecting my child and spreading rumors about me I couldn't take it anymore so I went to his house cause he told my mom that his girlfriend wanted to kick my ass when I got there he laughed and said he was playing its like he trying to do anything to get an reaction out of me but a negative one its makes me sad because he's a damn good dad but recently he started to push her aside when I don't give him attention or feed off into his bs he loves drama he threaten my husband whose in jail he says by the time he get out I will be his me him and his child at last I don't feel the way he does I don't wana take his child from him then regret it later but he has to learn im not with the games and if he wants to play with my neglect my child for his personal problem he has with me then I will keep her away and maybe he will have time to think about what he is causing and that he is really fucking himself im not gonna keep letting him c her when he gets over being mad at me im not his woman never have been his woman we both cheated on our mates and had a child I don't get y he acting like shit is new...please someone help y is he causing all this drama all of a sudden? Y does he neglect his daughter wgen he mad at me? Should I keep my daughter away from him for awhile?

Tabitha - posted on 10/25/2013

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When things change and the other person is not acting in the child's best interest why would it might be the other parents concern or responsibility to take all action to protect their children's safety. You make no sense to disregard their concern!!!

Paula - posted on 10/18/2013

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Totally agree! I was married for 2yrs happily in love with a wonderful man, then when I got pregnant he started changing before my eyes. In the end I left him with my 3mtg daughter to live with my parents, we are still with them. The point is I chose to leave because it wasn't safe for either me or my baby girl. Why would I stay just because? He remains in her life, on court ordered access visits, but I believe that it his responsibility to care for her when he has he and to grow nd maintain a relationship with her, not me, so she can see for herself who he is. Let him disappoint her and she will grow stronger. But if you believe that it's not safe for visits of any kind, document report and keep pushing the good fight. You may have a fight on your hands, if not now but in the future. I would suggest you seek legal advice.

Renee - posted on 10/11/2013

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there are very few reasons for the custodial parent to just do whatever it takes to keep the other parent away from the child completely - violence, abuse (physical, mental, or verbal) and psychotic are a few good reasons, as well as, a complete inability of the noncustodial parent to appreciate the fact that kids need certainty, security and consistency. IF the non-custodial parent is on the same page as far as doing whatever is necessary in the best interest of the child, then there is no reason to cut the non-custodial parent out of the child's life. BUT, if the non-custodial parent is narcisisstic (sp??) and merely thinks that because he/she pays support, they are entitled to a role in the child's life, they need to re-assess their intentions and what effect their actions/inactions will have on the long-term well-being of the child

Vanessa - posted on 10/08/2013

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Read the comment thoroughly before imparting your wisdom please.

What does it say about YOU to sleep with a woman who does this to you?

You're too stupid for anymore comments.

R U - posted on 10/08/2013

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This post disgusts me. Right now my girlfriend is pregnant and trying to keep our unborn child away from me as well. I'm 46 and she is 32 so we aren't kids by any means. What level of selfishness could a person stoop to that they think they can decide if a biological father gets to be involved in that child's life! You are not GOD! I get as much rights to a child as your biological father does. If you think he is too moronic to care for a child, what does that say about your willingness to sleep with him? Take ownership. The child deserves to make the decision of who he/she wants to be with - it's not yours "solely" to decide. Unbelieveable...

Cia Kulubo - posted on 10/07/2013

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If enough time passes and he makes no moves toWARds any interaction - if carefully executed you may secure sole custody physical and legal in the court. There are communities of SMC and choice moms
who can be a resource. But at one point clear legal responsibilities will be needed to do things.

Chelsea - posted on 10/02/2013

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need advice, my husband and i recently split up, i have a beautiful toddler and am pregnant with a second child. The split is because he is a violent drunk and recently while he was supposed to be at work was out drinking all day and crashed on the way home (DUI) 3 times legal limit. He lies constantly and has been cheating also. I dont want to keep my child/children away from their father but I am very scared about him taking care of her as he constantly drinks as does his family (daily drinking). But what is best for the children in the long run? I dont want to chance it but at the same time I dont want to regret keeping them away if he does stop drinking or controls his drinking?

Nichole - posted on 09/21/2013

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When my daughter was 5 months old, I left the house at 4am with my daughter while he was sleep, I left because I began to be afraid of him and I was seeing alot more of hyde so I moved 90 miles away to my mothers house and stayed there for 6 months, finally I was able to get back on my feet, I got a job and enrolled in school in the city that I originally left, I would drop my daughter to him and his family but I would not let him know where I lived because of his past violence. After 3 months I finally let him know where I live BIG MISTAKE, his evil side came back out. But I got the police involved and changed my number, it's been 3 months since I heard anything from him and I would like to keep it that way. I'll focus on work, school, and having a happy life with my daughter, later on if I marry a MAN (not abusive insecure boy) then he can be a father figure to my daughter until then I'm just trying to keep her father away because I seriously feel he would kill me, when he goes in rage, he cant stop himself and he has 2 guns. It's weird because there were plenty of times he's been great, buying boxes of diapers, wardrobes, shoes for our daughter, keeping her whenever I ask without complaining and etc, its just weird how he was a perfect dad at times but then switches to evil and dangerous after a while.

Nichole - posted on 09/21/2013

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My daughter is now a 1 yr old toddler, I changed my phone number and will be moving soon so that her father will not be able to contact me at all. Something is seriously wrong with her father, he's a jekyll and hyde, for a while he seems perfect and then once he see's that I may have gotten comfortable with jekyll, hyde comes out, and thats his evil dangerous hateful violent side. I seriously feel that if I would have stayed in a relationship with him, my life would have been complete hell and my daughter would be a totally different child. Without him, we're peaceful, happy, and moving forward in life. It sucks that I am now keeping him out of my daughters life, because growing up she wont remember or know him but if he wasnt so crazy and violent I would have no problem allowing them a great relationship. But oh well

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