Kid's dad wants to visit in my home, need Advice?

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

Hello,

My ex and I have joint Custody, but I am the primary Custodian. Right now he sees the kids every other weekend and none at all during week, though he is suposed to see them one evening ever week. He says because of his work schedule that he cant take them out, or visit at his place. He asked me if he could come by my house and see them for 2hrs or less one evening a week. I dont really want him in my home and feel like it's just an excuse to get close to me, even though he says I am putting my needs first and not the kids needs!

What do you guy's think? Should I let him come over to see our kids or tell him that I dont care if his work schedule doesnt allow for his weekly visit. He says he feels cut off from kids b/c he only gets to see them every other weekend. Again how is this my problem? Any advice? Thanks!

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Missy - posted on 07/15/2009

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I actually tried this in the early stages of divorce. It was not a benefit to my kids. In fact, just the opposite. Chances are you guys will disagree about something and the children will see and feel the tension. Plus, he used it as an opportunity to check around the house and try to dig into my personal life which was no longer his concern. I do not recommend this course! The triuth is, if he truly cares for the kids and wants to spend time with them then he will create the opportunity for himself. He should not ask you to do that for him. Sorry if it seems blunt but its based on personal experience. Hope it helps.

[deleted account]

my daughter's father does his visitation at my home. In a way it has been very good for all three of us. We have a good friendship (which our daughter sees), I know my daughter is in a safe environment (plus she has all her toys), the rules don't change (i know visitation to another house often causes the child confusion about rules), and it maintains consistency (my daughter never has to question who she's spending the evening with or who's home she'll be at).

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Brenda - posted on 07/14/2009

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I say go with your instincts. If you feel his intent is you rather than a relationship with his child then don't do it! In the end it will hurt the child. I let mine come over for a while thinking it didn't matter at least he was there, but in the end when his intent didn't work he stopped visiting and it hurt her more. WHere there is a will there is a way. Tell him you would be more than happy to be open to any solution so he can maintain his visitation. But in actuallity it is his problem. WHere there is a will there is a way. Maybe 4 hours every other week would give him adequate time to take them elsewhere. I think the other thing you need to look at is the age of the children. If they are babies, then I may think differently.

Karen - posted on 07/14/2009

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Hey Sterling, I think you should give it a go. At least in your house you'll have full control. However if it is too uncomfortable, maybe not. At the end of the day he is right about the kids coming first. Maybe you could meet somewhere else, that way you could leave whenever you wanted.

[deleted account]

I have an excellent relationship with my first ex, and would not entirely mind him spending an hour or two at the house; however, my daughter's father would have used that excuse just to be close to me as you state. If your relationship does not allow a comfort level for him to be in your home, I recommend you explain that it is not comfortable and see if you can come up with another solution, such as his parents house, a friend's house, etc. It pays to be honest despite his would-be protests - he probably needs to earn your trust and you should trust your instincts.

Perhaps in the future if things work themselves out you will comfortable with him coming by, perhaps not. It is unfortunate that he is losing time with the children due to his schedule but this is not your problem. If you really feel the children would benefit from this one to two hour visit then I am sure you two will make it work. If it is frivolous, then I don't see the fuss.

I hope that helps.

THEODORA - posted on 07/14/2009

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Hi!I believe that you maybe able to find a solution by talking to him and explaining your feelings again...or even telling him that this hours are for you,that you are a "full-time job mum'' and you need to rest and recharge your batteries.

If it does not work you may try give him 2 hours but only 2 times a month....try to negotiate..and tell him that he should try to spend some quality time with his kids(as Rachel suggested-movie-dinner...so many things to do...)I"m sure everything will go fine.

Leslie - posted on 07/13/2009

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I am a single parent also but have learned over the years that if you can be "friends" with the ex it is eaiser on the kids. The only thing I can offer is that you attempt to keep communication open between the two of you. The kids have a right to have their father involved in their lives. You may not like it or agree with it and it is hard to find a middle ground when emotions get involved. It means being able to compromise. Offer other suggestions if you don't want him in your home, but try to help him keep those weekly visits. The visits are more important for the kids than for either of the adults. Think of your reasons for not wanting him there, are they selfish or is it somthing else? Hope this helps.

Rachel - posted on 07/13/2009

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I honestly would not let my daughters father come over to visit her, He has to take her somewhere or to his house. I am in the same boat as far as him trying to get me back. Why doesn't he take the kids to the park? The movies? dinner? Something So you can get some alone time for an hour or so. Why does he has to hang out with the kids there? Hope this helps..

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