Letting go of the anger towards my sons father.. HELP

Susan - posted on 04/29/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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For the past 8 months I've been reminded by my sons father that I'm not someone that he would want to be with again. It kills me. I don't understand..I have changed my hair, looks, clothes, how I act, just hoping one day he will wake up and want to be with me. I'm angry and hurt. It's consuming my life. I always get mad and say I'll never hang with him again and then I forget why I was mad and give in. It's really hard for me to accept this... Will I ever? I need to let go!! Help me please!! All I want is that perfect family, so we can share all memories together.

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StrongerMe - posted on 05/29/2012

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You should read about the stages of grief. Right now you seem to be going back and forth between denial and bargaining. I was there for longer than I care to admit. I just knew that he would come to his senses!!!! In time, you will realize that you deserve better than this. You will start doing things for you (and the hope of someone else one day) and not for him.
I did it all. I changed my looks, decorated the house, tried to show how much fun I was and what a good mother that I was. Sometimes it seemed to affect him, but that only kept me on the hook. And I usually only saw what I wanted to see. It has only been in the past year that I have really cut him out of my life. I'm healthier in the periods when we have no contact.
If the thought of getting him back motivates you to do something good for yourself, then go with it. Just do it from afar. Keep your distance from him.
Chances are that you never had the perfect family but giving up the dream is harder than giving up the reality. I know it sucks. Trust me, I KNOW. It does get better. I promise.

Kimgogan - posted on 05/13/2012

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I know the heart wrenching, life consuming pain you speak of. It's brutal and you certainly DONT deserve it. No woman on earth deserves to be treated with such disrespect. I can only speak for myself, but after my husband left me pregnant, I cried and prayed daily that God would save my marriage. There isn't any easy way to get through your pain, but you know you are making progress when you really don't feel the need to find ways to make contact with him. I played this mental game with myself for 8 months before I finally let go of the fairytale and let go of the insane reasons to text, email or call. Now that i've given up that control for contact, I find myself thinking of him less, and really surrendering to the fact that there is nothing I can do to change the mess that he has created in our family and with himself. it is a true surrender that allows God to either fix this mess or help me move on to bigger better greener pastures for me and my sweet baby boy. but I know its not easy. all the best to you and all the woman on this post.

Rebekah - posted on 05/01/2012

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First off if you have to change yourself for him that much than he doesn't love you and probably never did. Second I think you are obsessing over trying to get him (who doesn't sound worth the time of day) when you could be finding someone who will treat you with respect and love. I know he is part of your life and you love him and always will have some form of love for him , but you deserve better than that. Also think of what you are showing your kids. You are teaching girls that they have to change everything about themselves to chase some one who doesn't seem to want them. You are teaching boys that this is ok and normal to treat girls this way. I think you need to be strong and get a good friend to help you (or take a class or something) to build your respect for yourself. This man obviously has no respect for you and you can't expect people to if you don't make them. He is not giving you what you need and want from him so don't give it to him either. Find someone that can be your companion on all levels. Just because he is your child's father doesn't mean they can not have someone else in there life as well. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and it will also have a positive impact on your kids.

Oh and as far as a perfect family I don't think there is one. I grew up around a lot of "perfect families" and many of the women would say it's a give on both sides and work every day. Sometimes one person gives more than the other, but they both still have to work and give.

Jennifer - posted on 05/10/2012

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And your not alone in this... Us women are made to be relational and have sensitivity and such and its a gift.. best preserved for someone who acknowledges ita and accepts it for what it is and what it can never be... You were not made to become some "image" for him.. and nor is a man made to fill your every void in life. I want to just hug you and say.. you will make it through this.. and you will be so much more confident when you do.. stay strong and love YOU!!! Happy Mothers Day sweetie!! Good things ahead***

M.Dona - posted on 05/08/2012

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Hey Bernadette, try not to be so hard on yourself, trust me that makes it worst. Some of the things my child's father did and said to me, and I was still chasing up behind him and begging him to work it out with me...Just remember that it will take time, for some of us it takes more time than others,....(I remember when I was prego, and me and my child's father stayed at a nice hotel just to get away, the room had 2 beds in it, and he dcided to lay in the other bed, and then when i did dcide to get into the bed with him he basically, turned his back and was texting other females all night, AND YET i still was madly in love with him, so no, there is nothing wrong with you...I had to reevalute my situation, and a few things i realized..
1. I was loving a man more than I was loving myself
2.I was trying to force someone to be with me who didnt want to be with me
3. Lastly, If i wanted to be happy , i needed to let it go

as women, some of us love really hard, and the fact that we have a child with someone will make it even harder to let them go...i know it sounds corny and cliche, but seriously if you learn to love yourself and start treating yourself as good as you were treating him, them eventually you will be happier, and all that hurt and all those feelings will eventually go away...

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29 Comments

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Luvmia - posted on 05/30/2012

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When a relationship is over, it is hard to cope. I understand you are hurt.

have you thought about counseling? You need someone with experience helping people to help you work through your hurt and pain.

Susan - posted on 05/28/2012

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I blame myself all the time, for everything that's happened. I'm pregnant with his baby again.... He won't talk to me. He's mad at me because I won't get an abortion.... I hate that he's being this way towards me

Tasha - posted on 05/28/2012

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i know exactly how you feel. me and my ex aren't together anymore and it hurts me alot. everyday i think "what if" and i constantly think about what i could have done so things wouldn't be this way. its sometimes hard being a single mom because sometimes you can't help but feel alone. i am new to this website. i decided i couldn't take it anymore and i needed to find people to talk to, who could relate to my situation. my ex decided to stop talking about working things out a few months ago because i wasn't giving him the attention he wanted. he blames me for not showing my feelings, but after he didn't want to take responsibility i just couldn't trust him anymore (among other things). he doesn't realize that im just watching out for my baby and myself. it did happen kind of unexpectedly and i guess thats why it hurt more. he started going out with another girl a few weeks after that and i haven't gotten over it and i don't know how to get over the anger i have for him. there are times when i just blame myself ....

Darcel - posted on 05/21/2012

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Never change who you are to be with someone else... because the real you will always come back.... you should want to be with someone who treats you like a queen... its not easy but you are going to have to let him go and move on... you need some serious "me time" to figure out who you are and what you want out of life... you need to be happy with you before anyone else... Good luck...

Tracy - posted on 05/18/2012

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First of all, I completely understand where you are coming from. I was in the same boat. I was a new mother with an infant who was 4 months old and her dad just walked away. What I can tell you is that the perfect family you are wanting, you already have it. Nobody will love you more or unconditionally as your child/children. No family is perfect and all you can do is be the best family for your child as you can. If you have to change who you are to impress a man, then to be honest, he isn't someone you want in your life anyways. What kind of impression are you sending to your child. "If someone doesn't like me I have to change to be what they want me to be?" Wrong. That qualifies as a toxic relationship. You need to love yourself for who you are and if someone, anyone, can't accept that then they're not worth having around. The best example you can set is to be strong, confident and love yourself. Everything else will follow. (Including someone who wants to share a life with you and love you for who you are!)

Susan - posted on 05/11/2012

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I just Took a pregnancy test and IM PREGNAnt!!!!! Oh my gosh...... By the same guy... At a lose for what to do! HELP ME PLEASE!

Bernadette - posted on 05/10/2012

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Hi Jenny, thanks so much for your inspiring message, its so sweet of you. I know that you're right, i know that im belittling myself by playing by his rules, but God knows, i cant seem to help it. You know, he came to my house last night and the night before, being intimate with me and then up and leave immediately after without saying a word, and guess what, my feelings did not change at all. He's using me when and how he wants to and im allowing it. I dont know how to get out of this vicious cycle.

Thanks so much, i wish i could have someone like you to be there and hug me when i need it, someone who understand what im going through. I will definitely take your advise though, hopefully i can follow through this time. All the best to you too an a very happy mothers day to you.

Jennifer - posted on 05/10/2012

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He is playing head games and its messing up your life. When you feel you need to change your entire appearance for him to accept you then its wrong.. would he change for you? You have a sweet spirit.. I can tell. So your not what he wants.. but it doesn't mean someone else will not see the good.. but I personally would always advise time single and just doing other things besides chasing this or any guy.. WHAT do you LIKE to do? Do you have dreams you never really pursued? Once you get active and doing other things rather than worrying about what this boy thinks (yes, boy.. I said boy.. My 8 year old has more class than this when talking to girls).. sad.. but anyways.. how about school? Really its just feeding his insecurity.. he is truly insecure.. secure people CAN encourage others, see the best in them and speak it.. insecurity makes people feel insecure.. thats how you know what he is operating on. Look, there are great men out in the world who just "get" it.. I know.. I have met a couple of them and they are nothing like when I used to "play in the sandbox" (figure of speech).. You need good friends and your true identitiy should never rest in what ANYONE thinks of you.. it should come from inside of you.. from things that are important to you. He will keep messing with you and making you feel bad because insecure people and people who are ego fed only feel good when others are down... You gotta let him go. I know that is hard.. just walk away and go on.. Its quite freeing and well, later on down the road you might be surprised.. :) If I could I would hug you!! I know that place.. Someday a guy will come that will be confident in loving you and see the beauty in that.. for now.. you go find that for you. Love and Blessings! Jenny

Bernadette - posted on 05/08/2012

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Oh my word, I cannot believe what im reading, its amazing that there is so many people out there going though the very same thing. I am in exactly the same position now, my son is 5 moths old, and my ex left me about a month ago. I have done the new hairstyle, ive done the new clothes, ive tried dressing more sexy and appealing, ive tried being rude and showing that i dont need him, i said hurtful things to him, i also tried being more than nice and friendly, accepting him and still smile when he comes in my house, texting other women while holding my crying son. I even made him food when he came from his other women and friends he recently found, tried being the "good housewife" to show him what his losing out on. I threatened to keep my son from seeing him and guess what, he doesnt show any sign of emotion. He's just moving on with his life, going out, partying, chatting up other women and even told me how and what he does. I spoke to a psycologist, as i find mysself not being able to eat anything for days, i cry myself to sleep every night, i cry when i shower, i cant focus on my work or anything else for that matter. All i think of is ways how to get him back and God knows, i know what he did to me and how he treated me was wrong, but that doesnt change how deeply i still love him and want him back. He even went as far as taking advantage of me after dumping me, and after he had his way, told me in so many words, that he just used me and nothing changed about how he feels. Its so hard, i check up on him, check his facebook wall to see when last he went on, check his chat sites and dates and times he loogged on and knowing im gonna end up crying or being hurt, i tell him i miss him or still care about him. As im typing this reply, im looking at a pic of the three of us at my baby's baptism and as hard as it is for me to look at this pic everyday, i cant seem to take it off or even put it way. I subscribed to a dating site recently, with the hopes of finding someone else or just having something to take my mind off things, and i met 2 really amazing guys, They are so supportive and sweet and we talk and chat so openly, but for somereason i still cant get my ex out of my mind. Everything i do, simple things remind me of him. Even something like seeing the bible, reminds me of him coz we use to go to church together and he'd sit and read the bible from the time we go into church until we leave again. My friends and fam tells me he's a hypocrit, say his slfish and all that, but to me, he's my world, even after everything his done to me. God knows, i love him so much, and i honestly cant imagine my life without him, i even considered going to one of these herbal or traditional healers with the love potions and stuff, coz i cant let go and feel like i would do anything to get him back. Thing is, he doesnt even have a job and im providing for my son, whos sickly, in a really expensive daycare, and who requires special attention every single minute of his life while awake, all by myself without asking him or his fam for anything, but yet, if i could or had spare cash laying around, i wouldve done any or everything humanly possible to be with him again. Is something really so wrong with me, how on earth can i be normal if i think, do and say all of the above... it doesnt make sense, but i feel it every single day of my life.

Jestee - posted on 05/07/2012

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Hi susan!

That is not a perfect family if man tries to play with a woman's feelings and besides there's no such things as perfect family. Every family has their own flaws but what matters is how they try to cope up with those circumstances. The things that you did just to win him back should have not been done in the first place. No need for you to change yourself for others. It might hurt you even more but I need to tell you that if a man loves you, without doing anything, he will come back to you. All is tough at first, I'm a single mom and experienced the same thing 2 years ago and happily to say that I passed that stage! Who wouldn't want a perfect family but Iike what I said it doesn't exist. The best strive any family can do is to love one another as much as you can and be the support for each other all the time. I realized that having a happy family doesn't only mean having a mom, dad, kids in just one home, it's all about the love you feel with each other, with your kids despite of not having their father. Only acceptance will help you move on. Don't over power the sadness/hatred in your heart instead let love reign to your kids and to yourself and I can't wait the day that you will just laugh all about this in the future.

Klarissa - posted on 05/07/2012

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Susan,

I have been in your shoes, 2 years ago when my daughter was born, I thought I was going to have the "perfect family" with her dad, and then he left me when I was 3 months pregnant and moved on with his life, and moved on with someone else. I have learned over time to let go of the anger for not only my daughter but also for myself, because what will anger do in the end, it is not going to change the outcome of things,and the best way that I knew how to let go is just to realize that me and my daughter deserve better than that, and that no one should make you feel like you should have to change anything about yourself enable for them to remain with you. So I would say that you will in time have this anger go away, it will take some prayer and faith to get you through, but you will and can make it. If you have a support system with friends and family they are always going to be there in your corner for you and your son, I pray that this helps.

Bree - posted on 05/06/2012

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Sometimes you just have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve as hard as it may be.

Debbie - posted on 05/06/2012

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I tried all the same things that you have ,,,and you know what ? all that did was change me into someone I wasnt,,,so I FINALLY realized that he wasn't worth it ,,,and moved on,,,and I mean moved,,I went to another city ,,and even then I still saw him for a few years,,,it can take what feels like forever but once you are free of the abuse,,and it is abuse,,(letting yourself be used and changed ) things will change,,dont show your child how weak women are but show them how strong and beautiful they are as they are,,dont let your son learn to grow and be a mini him

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2012

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Wow. Im going through the same thing. My daughter is 8 weeks old and her dad and i broke up when i was 6 months pregnant. All I want is to be with him but he doesnt want the same.. Hes a tattoo shop owner/artist and with all the drama and filth that life brings, jealousy began to consume me.. I than found out he was texting other girls innapropriate things our entire relationship.. he sucks at communicating too.. he has a 3 year old son from a different relationship as well. All I ever think about is him bringing his skanky tattoo shop groupies around my daughter and I flip out.. As of now he gets to spend a few hours with her every other monday and saturday and the child support I was "awarded" is a total joke. Ive come to terms with the fact we will never be together again, but I dont want anyone new around my baby :///

Courtney - posted on 05/02/2012

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I'm currently going through the same thing you are! I was with my daughters father for 2 years straight, and we also dated on and off for close to 6 years. And the best thing I did was completely removed myself from the situation and got someone I trusted to bring my daughter around her father so he can see her! It'll be hard, but it might just be the best way to get over him! I was willing to marry the father to my daughter, but I couldnt stand to mental and emotional abuse, so I got out. It wasnt fair to me that he was treating me like that! And its not fair to you! Everyone wants that prefect family life, but what you need to remember is that, if he isnt willing to be the man you need him to be, he isnt worth it, if hes constantly putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself, he isnt worth it! He doesnt deserve you! You need to be strong for you and for your son! And you can't let his stupidity affect you, because it just hurts you more, and no one needs that! so for your self-esteem and your sanity, get out! find someone that you trust to take your son to the father, so he can see him!

User - posted on 05/02/2012

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I just saw the information about another woman in your son's life. OK, so my ex-husband (sons father) and I divorced because of him cheating and believe it or not he's with the same woman 4 years later. At first I didn't want her around my son, but I soon learned that I and only I was my son's mother. NOBODY could take that from me and that bond is stronger than anything in the world. MY SON made that clear to me. He used to hit her, bite her, spit on her etc. but when I realized that he knew I am the one and only mommy he has, I let her be the "step-mom". And she has been more involved than his father most of the time during court ordered visits. I have ended up being friends with her. Although I blamed her at first for breaking our happy home, it wasn't happy and I know now that she helps keep my son safe while in his dad's care.

User - posted on 05/02/2012

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Oh sweetie. I have so been there. When you are considering "the perfect family" why are you two no longer together to begin with? Is he really someone that makes you feel good about yourself? You have changed the way you look to try and get him back but yet it doesn't work. This is because he knows he has you in the palm of his hand. Just ready to take advantage of you when you are lonely. What is most important, is your child. Providing your child hope that things are going to work out and then they don't provides instability. Your child needs to see that you are able to manage life without the father because you are your babies rock, life, model, etc.

M.Dona - posted on 05/02/2012

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Well, I know that he has a girlfriend or is seeing someone, but as far as I know he has not brought her around our son.......He lives with his mom so whenever he has our son, he usually stays at his moms house so that the rest of his family gets time with the baby.

However, I know that when he does decided to take our son around his gf that it will be difficult...but as long as I get to meet her,and make sure she is not some type of wierdo, Honestly I'm not worried about my son getting attached to another female as far a the whole stepmom relationship, I'm more concerned about making sure that it isn't some crazy female that will do anything to harm him.........The way I see it is, we carried our babies for 9 months, we have a bond that no one can take away, as long as you are being the best mom you can be, your child will always love you....

I try to tell myself that if my childs father and his girlfriend loves and cares for my son as much as I do, and then eventually once I move on with a new relationship, My son will just be lucky enough to recieve double the love...Either way it goes, it is difficult to accept the situation, but i try to look at the positive aspects...Also, it takes way to much energy to be sad, or angry, or jealous, so I'm praying and staying strong....

as far as breaking the cycle, even if he text or calls you, if its not about your son, just do your best to ignore it, even if you have to turn your phone off...(there were times that I would leave my cell phone outside in the car overnight just to resist the temptation) you have to do what you have to do.

does he take your son around alot of different women? you should talk to him and let him know that you think its best that your son only be introduced to a woman, if he is serious with her, becuz i bet if you brought your son around random guys he would probly be pissed

sorry for the long post, its just a good feeling to be able to relate to someone on this issue

Susan - posted on 05/02/2012

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It's such a vicious cycle that I cant seem to breAk! I can't wait to get over this and move on! Do you have a hard time with your baby being around your exs new girl friends?

M.Dona - posted on 05/01/2012

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Susan, I can relate to what you are going thru..my son is 10 months, and it took me awhile to accept the fact that I can't force my sons father to be with me, Yea, I wanted that perfect family and everytime I see other "happy" families at the park or at restaurants, I would always tear up. I grew up with both my parents so I felt that I owed it to my son to have the same type of traditional family lifestyle...The guilt of failure, the hurt of heartache and the envy of seeing other families together jus tore me apart to the point of depression,,,Although I am finally able to go days without having the desire to call or txt my childs father, I'm sure that I'm still in the healing process...He takes care of his son, but me and him do not speak, It was hard, and somedays were easy and I didn;t think twice about him or not having a family and some days were harder than others, but trust me, you are not the only one going thru this, it will get better in time...The only thing that really helped me was "time", and crying it all out....but I'm sure you are a great mom and I do hope that you can overcome this......and eventhough I still tear up everyonce in awhile and get upset or sad, I can finally say that I do see the light at the end of the tunnel

Julie - posted on 05/01/2012

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Men have an uncanny thing about hem: once their mind is made up - it is made up.

Do good things for yourself .. the right one will come along and see you for who you are!

You is mind - you is smart - you is beautiful! (from the movie 'The HELP' ♥ see it!

Susan - posted on 05/01/2012

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Thank you for your reply! I think I try so hard to make it work also because it's hard for me to picture another girl around my son.. I'm afraid she will try to be his mom or he will love her more than me... Or he will forget about me. I try to remind myself that when I grew up my parents were divorced and I never forget about either parent.

Susan - posted on 04/30/2012

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Thank you do much for the advice! It's so hard! Every time he asks me I hangout i instantly think oh he wants to be with me, and then we sleep together And he wont ask me to hang out again for a couple months. He knows I'm wrapped around his finger! Why do guys do this?? We're fragile. Will we eve beagle to move on?

Bree - posted on 04/30/2012

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I know exactly how this feels expect not with my sons father but with my partner who i have been with ever since my son was born. Men can be so cruel sometimes and can be really rude when it comes to telling women how they feel .



i feel like sometimes my boyfriend tells me that he just doesnt want to be with me, just to hurt me but in fact it is really hard for him to let me go.



My best advice would be to not let go, but to not hold on as tight. In other words dont msg him unless it has something to do with your son and if he messages you about something other then your son, dont reply.



Distance can sometimes make the heart grow fonder.

Thats what i am trying to do as well.





Hope it all works out for you in the end

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