Little boy's dad, a complete and utter waste of space and time

Steff - posted on 03/13/2010

Oh the joys of dealing with semi-deadbeats, that want to be involved, but are clueless. At least he wants to be there. It seems to me though that he is manipulating you (which is what my ex did and still tries to do, although now at least to a lesser degree). It's a tough situation, and the best advice I can give is to get a court order for parenting time, and stick with it. Where I live, you have to have solid evidence to prove that the child is at risk when alone with the father in order to get supervised visits, so I don't know if that is the same as where you are. As someone posted above, he can't really get experience if you don't give him the opportunity, but I understand your apprehension. It's a shitty situation, and no one can truly tell you what will work and what won't, unfortunately it's something that will fall into place over time.
I hope everything works out!

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2010

Definitely document everything, plus you should look into your states' laws. In Georgia, if the parents aren't married the father has absolutely NO rights to the child unless he takes to court. I know this because that's where I live. This means that anything that the mother allows the father to do with the child is her choice. He has no rights. Even if he gets mad and calls the police here, he has no rights so the police can't help him. They'll help the mother. If she wants him removed from the property they'll do it. You should definitely look into your state's laws!

Anna - posted on 03/12/2010

Hi again, I've had another think about your response, and I actually think you're right. The more time he gets with him while I'm there to supervise, the easier it's going to be in the long term. And I agree it is a lot of swallowing pride. I hate him for what he did to us, and I can't let that hate get in the way of my little boy's relationship with his dad.
Maybe he can change. Maybe I should give him the chance to change and learn about my son, and learn about all the things that goes on... I'm actually really sorry I jumped down your throat the first time I responded. I think you're right. I don't need to fight against him as at the end of the day, he doesn't know about babies, although his intentions are good. I learnt because I had to learn - he hasn't needed to learn as yet, so maybe there's room for improvement there as well.
Maybe I need to take the stance that you have, in that I need to stop taking the rubbish off of him and tell him that he needs to sort himself out for my little boy's sake. Maybe if he's given the chance to see how rewarding being a parent is, then he'll decide to turn his life around and be a better person for his son. If I don't give him the chance then I'll never know, and in the future my son might criticise me for not giving him the chance to know his dad properly.
I do get a lot of people telling me that I need to do this and do that. You're right again, they don't know anything. I'd love nothing more than him to be a good dad, and I'm going to give him the chance to make positive choices and do the right thing for my little boy.

Thank you Michelle for your responses, again, I apologise for my first response to your first post - I've thought about it and realised that you are right.

Anna

Michelle - posted on 03/12/2010

Anna,

You're right that he should have been a good dad from day one, just as we were good mothers from day one. But unfortunately, he hasn't been as responsible as he should be. However, at this point, you're not lying to your son, you're probably not telling him much of anything. And what you are telling him, he doesn't understand.

I told my son's dad, I would put up with his irresponsibility and bullsh*t until my son was old enough to understand what was going on, and that the minute he hurt my son I was done pampering him. And fortunately, he got his crap together. But it wasn't "simple" for me either, it was a lot of pride-swallowing on my part and putting up with a lot of his attitude and resistance. As you might be able to tell, I'm a pretty aggressive and straight-forward person, so it wasn't easy for me to do that, and I get why you wouldn't want to. But what I'm suggesting is that you do it anyways, for your son. And you've only been doing this for 3 1/2 months, believe me, you're going to wear yourself down pretty quickly and you're going to want his help and you're going to want to feel comfortable when your son is with him. And when your son gets older (my son is 2 1/2 now) its good for him to be around a daddy who loves him.

Stick to your guns about not letting him have your son when you're not there, he doesn't know anything about babies and definitely not if he's on drugs. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of drugs is he doing? I understand that's very personal information, and won't be offended if you don't want to tell some random person on a message board.

One of the reasons I left him was because I found out that when he wasn't coming home to watch our son so I could go to work was because he was smoking dope. Not weed, but meth. Absolutely not okay with me. So i get that.

All I'm saying is you're restricting him to 2 hours a week with his child and getting upset that he doesn't know anything about kids. Being a parent requires on the job training and it doesn't sound like you're allowing him that. He sounds like a total idiot, especially about the water thing, but what I'm saying is that him being an idiot doesn't mean he can't be a loving father while you're there at this point in your son's life. And allowing him 2 hours a week is unfair. How is he supposed to figure out your son's routine and needs when he's only there for 2 hours a week and your son is sleeping for part of that time? But you judge him for not knowing it.

And I'm sorry you had a tumultuous relationship with your father, but what I was saying was this IF your father WANTED to be there, how would you feel if the interaction was restricted to 2 hours a week from the time you were born?

Of course you want to protect your son, you're a mother. I'm just telling you I was in a similar situation, and here is what worked and what didn't work, from an outside perspective, but it took me a lot of work to figure it out. And anyone I got advice from just told me what he "should" be doing and what I "should" do in reaction or retaliation. And all of those people either had no idea what it was like to be in the situation, or had completely unsuccessful results, meaning their children didn't end up with good fathers. And threats don't make these types of men do what they "should". It sounds like you want him to be a good father and you want your son to have a good relationship with him.

You think my response is sad, and I think your situation is sad. And I was in a very similar situation and now I'm not. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. And please know that people (including men) can change, contrary to popular belief amongst the "single mother" boards.

Michelle
I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Anna - posted on 03/12/2010

Wow, I find that last response pretty sad. If he wants to be a good dad, he should have started from the beginning. He's the one using drugs and chosing bad lifestyle choices. When I gave birth where was the person who showed me how to be a good parent? There wasn't one, but I can be damned sure that I went to all the classes, I read a lot of the books. He doesn't know anything! He hasn't done anything, and he can't use the excuse that he doesn't have the time because he does have the time - and he chooses to use the time doing things that are not conducive to ... well... pretty much anything.
As I said, I would never, ever stop my little boy from spending time with him- WHILE I AM THERE. That's not what I'm about at all. I think it is in my little boy's best interests to stay with me.
When my little boy was two weeks old, he came into my house and said "I'm taking him next week" and I said, well how are you planning to feed him? And he said "He can just have water for the day"...
I had to get my midwife to point out the flaws in this plan as he really didn't understand why there was a problem and didn't believe me when I explained that 2 week old babies need to survive on a lot more than just 'water'.

And the sleeping thing - why should I stand by and let him disrupt my little boy? He wants to know what it's like to have a baby - he needs to learn that they do sleep during the day and that it is healthy for them to have 15 hours of sleep per 24 hours. He isn't willing to come during the morning when he is always wide awake, he chooses to come at that time, when it suits him. My son is not there to be a convenience for him.

Things have worked out for you, congratulations, I'm glad it has. But it isn't that simple for us. He's one of those people that will never understand and I believe it's my responsibility to care for my little boy and protect him. Which is exactly what I am doing.

I'm 21 as well, and I'm a full-time University student, in my third year. I don't just sit around either. And just for the record, my dad wasn't around when I was growing up. He let me down time and time again, and was a waste of space. I don't want my little boy to be let down and hurt like I was.

And I am not selfish, nor petty. My little boy is a bundle of pure innocence and I want to protect him. I do not want to be in a position where I am telling lies to the most precious thing in my life because his dad can't sort his priorities out.

Michelle - posted on 03/11/2010

There are some really strong women on this board, but there are also some really petty and selfish broads.



To the original poster, how would you feel if you only got to see your dad for 2 hours a week growing up and he wanted to be there? I completely agree that he shouldn't have the baby overnight but its not going to hurt your child to have his dad around while you're there, or to be woken up from a nap. It will annoy you, and it annoyed me too when my son's father did it, but so what? Its not about you or what annoys you. You need to be strong and suck it up for your child.



Your baby is 3.5 months old, give the guy some time to get used to having a child. How is he ever supposed to learn the baby's routine or how to console the baby if you only let him see him 2 hours a WEEK. You're absolutely ridiculous. This guy's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. You give him 2 hours a week and if the baby's sleeping he's upset.. naturally!! And this makes him a bad guy?? And the baby's 3 and a half months, when my son was that old (and he was and is very advanced) he really didn't do much. No one rode up my ass if I was texting while in his presence. And I also would stand in front of the mirror with my babe and show him our embracing image. Its beautiful and stimulating to the baby.



And yeah, the money thing is frustrating, I know because I've been supporting my son for 2.5 years! But guess what? The kids don't know or care how much daddy pays for. And I'm not some stay at home mom who has a great "hubby"- I'm 21, work full-time, go to school full-time and am a full-time "single" mother. You said it best:



"Just because he is physically able to reproduce does not give him the automatic ability to be able to cope."



Its been 3 1/2 MONTHS. You need to help him learn how. After my son's father and I broke up, it took him a while to be able to trust that I wasn't going to feed the "baby mama" stereotype and hold his child as my sole possession. But after diligent effort I was able to show him that I wasn't going to prevent him from being a good dad because he couldn't "afford" it or because I was bitter that he cheated on me or was an asshole to me while I was pregnant. And he came through! And my son was never the wiser and has a great relationship with his dad. And seeing the light on his face through his beaming smile when he sees his daddy is priceless. No child support in the world could equate that love.



A little empathy is never a bad trait in a mother.

Laura - posted on 03/11/2010

I'm sorry to say documenting everything is going to do nothing. I'm in almost the exact situation. Expect the father of my daughter doesnt see her on a regular basis and she doesnt even know him. When he could come a visit, he would find faults in her, if it wasnt he hair, it was her legs were too fat (she was a 10lb baby, lol) or he teeth were starting to turn out...When i filed for child support when she was abour 13 months old, I was sure he wouldnt get to see her, considering he didnt anyway and he wasnt around during my pregnancy and wasnt even there for her birth. I tried to get him involved in her life, but there is no way in hell I was ever ever allowing him to take her by himself. He insisted he should. No way! He already has 3 other babies by 3 other girls and not to mention a new g/f. I wasnt going to let him take her and go play house with her. The child support lady told me he wouldnt get to see her, which is what i wanted, but i did want him to pay child support. Then when we went for the meeting infront the child support lady, she then told me that if he wants visitation he'll most likely get it!!!! The judge will grant it. You know what i'm doing about it? Ignoring it! Theres not way any amount of money is going to get me to hand over my daughter to him. I'm not going to court to allow some judge who doesnt even know who this guy is, or what kind of person he is, to say 'Ok take this little girl, since you share DNA with her, but you were never there in her 2 years of life, but you want to be now, so you can be" YEA right!! I'm her mother, I care for her 24/7. I'll say who gets to take my daughter and when, not some court.
You tell your baby daddy, that if he wants to see his son, he'll do it on your time, when you say so and on your terms. If he really wants to see him, he wont care how he does. As long as he does...


Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 03/10/2010

Document! Document! Document! Every time he calls, comes over, what he says, what he does! EVERYTHING!!! Keep a detailed journal of everything! If he answers a text or a personal phone call (how many, how long, what was said, how he acted towards your son during the phone convo, etc). Find a way to prove that he does drugs and that he can't be trusted to look after your son my himself. Write it down how many times your son cried while he was there, what the dad's reaction to this was, and the reason for the crying (hungry, tired, diaper change, teeth, unknown). Don't let the dad know that you are doing this. Start having someone over (not a guy unless it is family) every time the dad comes over. Meet in a public place. Write down if he woke your son, fed your son or changed your son. Don't give him more time. Tell him that if he wants more time he has to start paying child support. If you guys were never married, chances are if you go to court, he will not get visitation set up unless it is requested by him. If you have any other questions or want to talk, you can message me. I have two girls and left their dad when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest (who is now 2 and a half years old). I have done everything I can to know my rights as a single mom and the ins and outs of the system. I still don't know everything, but I can at least try to help. I have a very detailed outline of everything that has happened since I found out I was pregnant with my youngest (I knew I was leaving him when I found out for a lot of the same reasons you left) and it has got me sole custody of both of my girls and child support. I hope this is helpful. Don't forget to write down every time he is late and how late he was and ALWAYS document EVERYTHING!!!!