Loneliness: how do you deal?

Ajia - posted on 02/19/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Being a single mother is so incredibly lonely for me. All of my pre-baby friends want to go out and do everything last minute, not understanding that I have to coordinate bottles, naptimes, babysitters, a place to change a poopy diaper. They also don't get how much a sitter costs. And to be honest, I don't have the desire to go out and drink or club or any of that. I've tried making new friends, but the SAHM crowd in my area is a bit cliquey and stuck-up. I haven't found anyone I mesh with. And I REALLY miss having a significant other. I would love to feel like a person and a woman again instead of just a mom. I'd like to exist for something other than changing diapers and making bottles. But I never go anywhere to meet people, and even if I did, I'm a fat mess that never lost the 60(!) pounds I gained during my pregnancy (after already being very overweight), and I never pay attention to what I wear anymore, and can't remember the last time I put on makeup. I mean, what for? As long as my daughter is happy, healthy, and looks like she stepped out of a Neiman Marcus catalog on top of it, that's all that matters - I'm just the personal assistant of a 10 month old. I want my daughter to grow up with two parents, in a financially stable household. I can't achieve that sitting in my house, and there are no guarantees that I'll even find it if I take the three hours to straighten my hair, put makeup on, get dressed, and then pay a sitter a ridiculous amount of money.

I'm just curious how other people deal with it. I have 1 friend. ONE. And when she has other things to do, I am a mess all by myself. Are there other people who have no help, a family that is too wrapped up in themselves, maybe only one real friend to speak of? Or are you someone who has overcome these things?

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Kathryn - posted on 02/20/2010

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I was the same, i had twins on my own 2yrs ago and after about 12 months of being a mum i felt like i was drowning. It took me ANOTHER 12 MONTHS to do something about it. I tried internet dating and it was a big fail, nothing but playas and loosers. the only thing that helped was actually leaving the house and seeing people face to face. i take the kids visiting, my grandparents love to see us and a few other family members are also excited when i call asking to come round. i know its hard, remember i've had 2 at once, but just pack up everything you need- nappy bag, bottles, cookies, portacot, teddy bear, and leave the house. even just for a drive. i have changed my kids nappys on the front seat of my car before, i even drove from adelaide to melbourne (10hr drive) with them alseep in the back and changed them at 3am ontop of a suitcase.

also sounds like you need better friends, are you in a mothers group? or how about kindergym? swimming lessons? daycare? your daughter will make a friend, then approach that kids mum and ask to set up a playdate for coffee. my kids have always played with each other but they still make friends at daycare.

also you can exercise at home really eaisly, i bought a cheap exercise bike ($60) and a hula hoop to lose all the weight i put on. i've heard that nintendo wii's are great too.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PERSONAL TIME!! after bubs is in bed for the night, dont wash bottles or do vacumming, have a bubble bath, paint your nails, read a book (ebay sells romance novels cheap), eat a few chocolates and watch a sad chick flick. just do something that isnt baby related, i know its hard coz theres so much to do and it never ends but the break is worth it.

i hope some of this helps, just remember your not the first one to feel like this and you wont be the last. chin up because it does get better. :)

Amanda - posted on 02/20/2010

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I have no family that helps. I never go out. I have two friends that I see every so often if they arent too busy. I am at home all the time. I get lonely and part of that is not working. I dont work because my depression overwhelms me. Regardless of all this, every morning I get up because there are my two children who need me. I listen to music or watch a movie which is backround noise so it makes me feel less lonely. Its not easy being lonely I just try not to think about it, makes it a little easier :)

Kim - posted on 02/20/2010

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I find that I am lonliest in the evenings after I have put baby boy to sleep. No one to talk about the day etc, I find I call my parents about 4 nights a week just to chat (they live interstate) or get online!!! During the day we get out to mother's group, swimming lessons, the library children's rhyme time and whatever else we can think of. There are mummy and me fitness classes you could try, or mummy and me walking groups. If you keep going to things you eventually start chating to other mums!!!
As for meeting men, bah!! I am so not in that head space at the moment, I am not even trying or interested, I am enjoying being a mum and running my household my way!!!

Erika - posted on 02/19/2010

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My son is 11 months now and I felt the same way...I start caring more about my son and forgot about myself..but your still a person..you have to go out and but yourself some clothes that make you look more beautifuk and should put make up on even if your just going t the grocery store..it makes you feel beter...it made me feel better...as far as the single part goes...you just have to move on and do whats best for you and your daughter..I still miss my child father...& I do want him here with me but when both parents don't feel the sameway you just have to get over it and keep loving your daughter and you will find someone who wans to be there with you to raise your daughter...I wish I could give you a beter anser but Im dealing with it too

Elitza - posted on 03/25/2011

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Yes I apsolutely agree with the chanllanges a single mom is facing. I have 2 children and they are small. Sometimes i feel like I am living a life sentence. Most of the time I feel blessed and privileged I am raising my kids and doing it alone, all alone. I have no friends, never dated since divorce, and don't even have a job currently. It's driving me crazy. I spend more money paying child care to work then stay home assistance. But it's good to get away from that single paarenthood and and stay sane. I love my children to death. My ex has a new GF, single mom of 4 wow. She has 50 50 custody so they both have 6 months of the year child free. I have one child full time and another half with dad, so i dont get this 6 months of the year children free so I get my life together and my social life. I go to church alot. There is child care and I take selfimprovment and support classes, but that only make me feel pitty. i can't go to study as my kids take alot of time. my ex had a chance to have a family but not me. All alone. It does get to me but I am OK. Just keep living you life as if you are married, as if you have a husband, I guess for some is easier to make social friends but use them to share your day. know is hard. Support groups and well volunteering that is if you dont have to pay child care to volunteer wow. I surelyunderstand, but God has his misteriouse ways. It always been so easy for me to date, but now my children come first. And men like woman who are economicaly well with children. I dont give up though.

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Gin - posted on 12/09/2012

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Hello there!

First off I am gonna come at you hard hun, do not take offense, SINGLE MOM OF TEN YRS!

Get up Get off the couch lose that weight, life is living you! You need to live it!

It is hard not impossible, I have a ten yr old, been divorced and doing this for ten yrs, no child support, no family support and I am doing just fine!

Excuses like aholes we all got one, You need to get your desire for life again, if you do not love you or take time on yourself why would anyone else...???

I been where you are, overweight, struggling, etc? You need to take atleast 1 night a month as a girls night, start with a a walking schedule to lose that weight you can take your baby in the stroller, Exercise will make you feel better and sets a good example for your kid. Kids follow in our path what kind of path are you setting? Think about it.

You can do this you just have to want to, you need some tough love, and I think as soon as you see that you are worth taking time for:) So chicka get up do your thing you got this, put the past behind you, You gave your ex your past, do not let him have your future! You have a kid now, does not mean you are socially dead! Tons of single full time working moms doing it everyday, I hope you see you got all the tools you need, u just need to use them! Good Luck and Happy Living!

Destiney - posted on 01/20/2012

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I am going though the same thing. All my days are center around my child. I have one friend also and to me that all I need because when I met new people it seem like there morals are not the same as mine. So what I have been trying to do is find support groups that can help build me up and go on from there ..

Casey - posted on 01/20/2012

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i felt the same when my son was born. im a single mom of 3 amazing children. and i couldnt understand why i was so lonely and down. but i started to realize the more i thought about it. i was over thinking it, i have my amazing children and they love me even if im in my pjs and not lookin so hott. so i happy now knowing that ill always have them that love me and think im pretty. a spouse would be okay.

Luvmia - posted on 01/02/2012

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Amanda, I also use music and movies to help me and it does make it feel less lonely. I struggle with being depressed on and off because it is hard being on my own. I never thought my life would be this way. Oh well. what am I going to do? Sometimes I get so lonely, I talk to the people on my job to the point they have to back away because I talk their ears off. I feel embarrassed and pathetic when this happens.

Luvmia - posted on 12/18/2011

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Kim, well said! I find a lot of them use the fact that you are single with a kid and vulnerable as a way to get in where they can fit in. When we are vulnerable it makes us easier targets for sleezebags whom just want a roll in the hay.

Luvmia - posted on 12/18/2011

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I understand. I am too overweight and not feeling that great about myself from time to time. I started using an exercise ball and finding better ways to eat to help me lose this weight. If I don't lose this weight, there is a good chance I will cost more damage to my joints. My mother and I finally have a better relationship but she has her own stuff going on so that leaves me alone often to deal with my drama. My son's father is an occasional parent and likes to blame everything on me. I don't have any friends and I find it is very hard to meet genuine people in my area. That is one of the reasons I yahoo searched for a group like this. I have met some exceptionally phenomenal women here.

Just know you are not alone. It sounds like you are depressed (I know all about that). I strongly urge you to speak to a counselor or therapist. Also if you want to talk to someone and have some support, keep coming here and talking to us. I don't mind if you shoot me a message. Just know you are not alone. We are here for you.

Elitza - posted on 03/25/2011

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Yes I apsolutely agree with the chanllanges a single mom is facing. I have 2 children and they are small. Sometimes i feel like I am living a life sentence. Most of the time I feel blessed and privileged I am raising my kids and doing it alone, all alone. I have no friends, never dated since divorce, and don't even have a job currently. It's driving me crazy. I spend more money paying child care to work then stay home assistance. But it's good to get away from that single paarenthood and and stay sane. I love my children to death. My ex has a new GF, single mom of 4 wow. She has 50 50 custody so they both have 6 months of the year child free. I have one child full time and another half with dad, so i dont get this 6 months of the year children free so I get my life together and my social life. I go to church alot. There is child care and I take selfimprovment and support classes, but that only make me feel pitty. i can't go to study as my kids take alot of time. my ex had a chance to have a family but not me. All alone. It does get to me but I am OK. Just keep living you life as if you are married, as if you have a husband, I guess for some is easier to make social friends but use them to share your day. know is hard. Support groups and well volunteering that is if you dont have to pay child care to volunteer wow. I surelyunderstand, but God has his misteriouse ways. It always been so easy for me to date, but now my children come first. And men like woman who are economicaly well with children. I dont give up though.

Kayla - posted on 02/26/2010

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I have a two year old and I have been single pretty much the whole time she has been here. It is really hard being alone and doing everything yourself. I totally feel for you. But instead of feeling like you need someone else to give you a purpose may try giving yourself a purpose first. Your child should be the most important thing but at the same time if mamas not happy nobobies happy ya know. If you want to lose your baby weight start setting time during one of her naps to exersice and do something that makes you feel good vs something that feels like more work. I know going out may seem like a chore with a child but its actually realyl important going out with friends every once in a while. Sometimes its ok to but yourself before your child and try not to feel guilty for it but you need to be happy to. Your child with have so much more respect for you if she sees how much you respect yourself. I hope this helps!

Charity - posted on 02/26/2010

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It is hard being a mother and yes we get lonely and depressed when were the only caregiver for our child but you have to make time for yourself, even if its when your child goes to sleep.I also agree with the others that commented on this about putting on makeup or just taking the chilren out for a drive or walk..atleast your getting out with them and trying to make new friends. I dont hang out with anyone because im a single mother and rather not go out and drink, but i still get out and go to the mall with my daughter and meet people because they think my daughter is soo cute, so i get my time and im with my daughter at the same time, whom i love dearly and wouldnt change it for the world

Leanna - posted on 02/24/2010

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Try to make new friends. There is lots of ways to talk to other mothers when you take your child on outings. Try the library for story time, play groups, the playground. Even if you don't make any friends at these types of things at least you would have gotten out had conversation and made an effort. I found that my own life did not start back up until recently. my daughter is almost 2. It took time for my old friends to adjust to my new life and now I have new friends that have children that I understand more now since I have a child too.

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2010

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Hi,



Lonliness can be very debilitating. But we need to look at this as a blessing. We are being given time to focus on ourselves and find what makes us happy.



Think about it, when your in a relationship most of your energy is being directed towards your partner and your children. Now is the time to refocus that energy on yourself.



Start with setting goals for oneself. Where do you want to see yourself in 1, 2, 5 or 10 years time. Do you have an passions (well everyone has a passion, the task is to tap into ourselves to find what that passion is). Once we have discovered our passion or even an interest we must then explore it.



Maybe study could be a solution. Volunteer in your community. This always makes a person feel better about themself. Helping those less fortunate has many rewards. Finding a part-time job if your not working may help.



Like I said. Its time to turn the focus back on ourselves and doing things that we enjoy.



More often then not if you start to focus on yourself you'll realise that your life is perfect the way it is and then out of no where the special someone will just pop up out of no where. But we first must become happy with just being us.

Melissa - posted on 02/22/2010

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I hear ya, sister. Single motherhood is lonely. You don't quite fit in with your married/childed friends and you don't quite fit in with your single/childless friends. It's really hard sometimes. I have several single mom friends but to my surprise, it's even harder to get together with them than it is my other friends - our schedules just don't always line up. And some of my single mom friends have boyfriends, so they're less single than I am, which can make it hard to relate to each other.

I think one thing you can do is to start to address the extra weight, since it seems to be a source of stress for you. Start keeping an eye on your diet, start fitting exercise into your life in small ways (can you afford a gym with child care?) and take care of YOU. You probably have pockets of time in your schedule that could be used for that - like instead of just watching TV after the kid is in bed, get a cheap elliptical or stationary bike and do that while watching TV.

the other thing is, do see your childless friends when you can. get a babysitter for the things you don't want to miss, even if it's just going out dancing. If they know you only get two nights out a month, you could probably get them to commit to doing something fun. I bet you'd enjoy that stuff more if you felt better about yourself. And you could do what I do - plan brunches or lunches or random dinners with your friends and bring your kid along. My childless friends get a kick out of my daughter, so she comes to lunch with us. (then we go shopping for a toy afterward.)

oh, and chances are, the friendships with SAHMs are not going to happen if you weren't friends with them before. The SAHM's I know for the most part stay at home because their values are more conservative, which means they're also less likely to embrace the fact that you are mothering without a partner. They also may just not feel like they have much in common with you.

good luck!

Rain - posted on 02/21/2010

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Being a single mom is hard soeemtimes but being a co-parent with terrible parent is even worse. We get to go home and be safe now. Not walk around on glass afraid to make someone angry so we enjoy the fact of being on our own. We joined a church and are making friends. We go to Chick Fil A on Tuesdays when kids eat free and there are a ton of kids there. I take my princess to open play at the gym... we may not have alot of close friends but I get the adult time I need while she plays just by talking to people.

I always put on make up - even just to go to Walmart... I still have 10 or 15 lbs to lose... but I'm ok with it. Working on it and working it out.

I think it gets easier as they get older and aren't so dependent. I can get a good soak in while she watches a movie and she's fine with that. Do I ever think I'll get involved again? No. I have too many trust issues. If I couldn't trust her dad not to abuse her, how can I ever trust anyone else who has no ties to her? But I'm planning some trips for when she's grown and off to college... LOL! No empty nest for me!!! Just alot of love and a strong bond with my girl!

Beverley - posted on 02/21/2010

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Hi! We've all been there hon! Most of us are still there! I get days where I don't want to get out of bed, but have to, to see to my 2 children, age 5 and 3.
I was always told you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I think thats very true! Spend time on yourself, put make up on, and do your hair. It really does make you feel better! I lost 4 stone via weight watchers, and that really helped me take an interest in what I wear. It also helped me feel better about myself. I still got another 4-5 stone to go, but I will get there, because I'm doing it for me!
I met my husband through dateline, and he turned out to be my worst nightmare! I will not be going there again! Even when I do feel ready to trust again!
Join local groups with your child, and go regularly so you get to know some people. I rely on facebook in the evenings to help me feel I'm not on my own so much! Its been a lifesaver! I'm very lucky and get fantastic support from my family and friends, but there not here in the evenings when I want someone to snuggle up to! My children will just have to continue to provide my cuddles in the meantime!!
Good luck! You have many friends on this circle of Mums who will always be here for you and for each other! Lots of Love xxxxxx

Amy - posted on 02/21/2010

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I read a book years ago that pointed out the huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Think about that for a little while and it will make more sense (especially as you get older lol).
My advice to you, and this is my second round as a single mom, is to start putting on makeup if that used to make you feel good. I usually wear mascara and may never leave the house. Search your community/town for things to do for families. You'll probably find that it's mainly moms that do those things anyway. I have made some friendly acquaintances by going to activities at the park and different things: free swim lessons in the summer, story times at the library, etc. And I found that it was usually the same moms involved with the same activities.
I can't give you very good advice about what to do to not feel as if you're the personal assistant to your daughter because I suck at that too. I am a mom. Period.
But do things that will get you out there. You'll find something (several for free) that will spark your interest and maybe even introduce you to a totally new crowd. Be open. One thing I have found out: kids are kids and being a mom is being a mom. You have way more in common with those women than you ever imagined...they're moms.
Hang in there.
Hugs.

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2010

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It's like you took my story, and made it into your own! I feel like I am in the exact same spot in life as you are right now. Don't get me wrong, there are some good days, but most are filled with me sucking it up, and making my son happy! We got to look at it like growing up. Its time to be boring and stay at home with our kids. Even if there "fathers" live literally five minutes from us! If they dont care. Its there lose. We have nothing to worry about. We tuck our preicous kids in at night, and every night! And for the friends part, we'll find them. I think we just need to stop thinking of the past.

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