Loss of baby's daddy

Elysabeth - posted on 04/14/2011

you are in deep mourning. please be gentle with yourself.
When my sons dad committed suicide, just breathing was bad enough let alone having to think of the future.
In the UK, i got our son help from Winstons Wish and The Rainbow Centre.

Also, get help from anyother young widows that you can find.

It's "funny", but with the death of my husband (we didn't have any kids and only together 2years)
but when my sons father did what he did, we had been together over 5years and had a child, lacking that legal status, i was treated horridly by his family and courts/police/coroner.

You know your family and your love for one another.
He lives on in the child you share. No one can take it away from you.

Other advice, don't drink or take doctors meds to numb pain, it only bites you later and is even worse to deal with.

i wish i could make things better for you and give you easy answers.

Don't let other men see your vulnerability and take advantage of you.

Bethyny - posted on 04/11/2011

My son and i lost my fiancee, the only REAL father he knew in a skydiving accident two weeks before we were to be married. Be honest. Turn the trajedy into a lesson about drunk driving. From experience PLEASE be careful. Clinging to what you have left, your child, is the worst thing you can do for them. Shes young, youre lucky believe it or not. My son remembers. Its a hard battle to fight within, being a good mum without being clingy and over protective. Its been 8 months for us and i can barely stand to watch him run and play out of fear. When she asks, just answer her questions. I got on youtube and showed my 4 year old what a low hook turn was and why it 'broke' ryan's body. Weve been through the idea that he did it on purpose, several months of pretending all we have to do is pick him up at the airport (he was Scotish), lots of anger and what ifs...where ryan is now. All you can do is be as honest as you can, we have a 'ryan flower' that we put some of his ashes in and we both talk to it. Concentrate on the good things he left behind, i remind my son that ryan left him a grandpa, nan and auntie we get to go visit in england that love us as much as ryan did. I keep the few pics of all of us everywhere to remind him that i hurt because ryan loved us as much as he did. Save something of his specifically for her when she gets old enough, its really important to my son that ryan left him things that were just for him. Dont hide your pain, let her know its okay to have feelings about it, and write doen all your good memories that pertain to her so she can have those as well...they are important and they do slip away in your pain. Take care of yourself, dont push...things happen when theyre supposed to. Im sorry, i know your pain.

Lou Lyn - posted on 04/07/2011

Your daughter will understand the situation if you will explain to her better. Just be the best mom and everything will run smoothly. Just tell her honestly what happen so things won't be complicated..god bless!

Wanda - posted on 04/07/2011

just keep loving her and be the best Mom you can be. She won't be mad at you or wish it were you that passed. That is just your grief and fear eating at you. As you both get older and develop a relationship, things will get easier. You will be fine.

KaSandra - posted on 04/06/2011

@ cheryl thank you and i do plan to answer her honeslty

@wanda im just worried i wont know what to say or that maybe if she gets mad she will say she wishes it was me or that she wishes he was here im not sure how to respond to that.

Wanda - posted on 04/06/2011

Oh that's awful. I'm so sorry for the loss you are going through. Answer her questions as honestly as you can. Be aware of her age when doing so. She doesn't need to know he as drinking at the time until she is old enough to uderstand that. When it gets time for to ask the questions, you will know what to say. Don't worry over it right now. Just let yourself grieve and be a Mom to your daughter. That's all you need to do. Take care.

Cheryl - posted on 04/05/2011

I am so sorry for your loss. My counsellor told me that as my daughter gets older, she will ask questions and I should just answer them as honestly as I can. You and she will figure it all out when the time comes. I will keep your family in my prayers and thoughts.
Hugs

KaSandra - posted on 04/04/2011

@ liz wow that made me cry! i now its not something to really get over as much to learn to live with but his mom always talks about how things may have been and i miss him so much all the time its really hard. and i feel like he is watching down on us somehow and i so my best to make him proud. i think of that all the time when anything is starting to get to me i think what would he want me to do in the situation how can i make him proud, thats how i got myself out of bed for the first month, i thought i have to make him proud of the mom i am and not only that but who i am as a person.. and who i am raising our daughter to be.

@ sweet betty. thank you so much, it is nice to know there is someone i can talk to.

SWEETBETTY - posted on 04/03/2011

I understand about being judged and all. I had my kid at 15 years and wow I heard it everywhere. But to tell u the truth as I was hearing them, it gave me more strength because I was realizing there is no one in this world that would know how i felt at that moment towards another person. Those who judge you is because they lack of what you have. it can from the smallest thing to LOVE. There are groups for you age exactly, also those older moms who were pregnant at ur age too..But those who say u dont know what love is bc ur so young, ask them then how do you know your own kid loves you? I am that blunt but u dont have to lol..I hope you find a great place and friends that can help. I am here if you need more encouragment, you can message me anytime!! i will try my best to answer u right away.
Have a great night!

Liz - posted on 04/03/2011

By the way I was 21 when i lost my husband and was 17 when I met him..soo you can never be too young to know what love is..and like you, we didn't believe in religion all that much but after he died..things changed I had many dreams with him talking to me and my daughter came up with the conclusion herself that her dad is in heaven with god because neither I or anyone in my family ever mentioned that..One day she just took a picture of him from my hand and said "thats my daddy!! he's working with god in heaven" i asked her who told her that and she said her father did..after that I never asked her anything again I just listen to her talking to herself and it really does seem like shes talking to him sometimes...once she told me that her father was upset with his mom, I asked her why and she said that he wants his mom to help me take care of her (her grandma lives in another country) ..I just cant believe that she would make something like that up so I choose to go along with the heaven thing although im still a little confused on that subject myself...

Liz - posted on 04/03/2011

Something like that happened to me when my daughter was a year old. My husband and I went on a vacation and he went out drinking while I stayed in with the baby. We had just had a fight so I let him go out to the bar next to the hotel we were staying at so he could have some time to cool off. He never got back that night and I went searching for him all day the next day only to find out by the police department that he had been brutally murdered that night and was found by some dumpsters and what was worst was that they weren't sure it was him because he had no identification on him so I had to go to the morgue and identify his body!...That was the worst day of my life!! You can't imagine what it was like to have to look at my husband’s body all messed up and not knowing who or why someone would do this!!?...I was extremely traumatized and I never thought I was going to be able to look at my daughter the same way or tell her anything but I remembered the last thing he told me before he left that night...he said that if anything was ever to happen to him to please make sure that his daughter never forgets him and to make sure she knows that he loved her more than anything in his life...This happened on December 14th 2008 now my daughter is about to turn 4 and if you ask her about her father she says that he can’t be with her right now but that he’s in heaven "working" for god...she always sees pictures of him holding her and always recognizes him..She even makes believe she’s talking on the phone with him all the time and says that she loves him very much even though the only memories she has of him are very faint. My plan is to always tell her all the good things about her dad and make sure she knows that he's watching over her from heaven...when she gets older I don’t think I'll ever be able to tell her the gruesome details but the most important thing to me is that she knows that she was loved dearly by him and that he would've done anything to be here with her. As far as how I dealt with his death, at first I was very devastated and I could barely look at my daughter because I kept seeing his face in her and I had post-traumatic stress syndrome for a long time after...where I couldn't sleep because I was paranoid and I was depressed..The whole works...the only thing that I found got me through everything was keeping myself busy at work and school, then spending time with close friends and family...I can’t say the pain ever goes away completely, you just don’t feel it as often.. Until eventually you feel it only on certain occasions...like with me every time I get really drunk I think about what he might have been feeling and how drunk he was and I break down...or on the anniversary of his death..Or when my daughter randomly tells me things that remind me of him...I can’t say that’s exactly what’s going to happen with you but all I do know is that you aren't going to be able to deal with it in a couple of days ,weeks, or even months ..It takes a long time to forget and move on... I'm still dealing with it myself and it’s been almost 3 years....Whatever you do, just try focus on what you want for you and you're daughter and don’t look back..Dwelling in the past just holds you down and has a negative effect on the baby... try not to over analyze things, what happened is in the past and that’s where it belongs, and I'm sure wherever you're man is at, he’s watching over and protecting both of you..Trust me he is...just know that and keep living for your daughter...raise her well and make him proud!! =)

KaSandra - posted on 04/03/2011

thank you both for your support

@ sweetbetty i want to find a group like that with people going through it but i feel like i would be judged for being 18 almost as if im too young to have a kid let alone lose someone cause im too young to love, i have heard these kinds of things and it makes it hard.

@aimee thank you and i hope i can find something to say to her cause i really have no idea, her dad and i had talked about heaven hell and religion and neither of us really believe just that there is a higher power, but im starting to think thats the best way to tell her.

Aimee - posted on 04/02/2011

i am sorry for your loss. my son was 6 when his dad died and i sat him down with his photo and i said to him u know u luv your daddy but daddy not hear any more he has gone to see the angels in heaven and he will always be with u if u look out into the sky at night and look for the biggest and brightest star and that will be him. my partner was sent to prison for 10 years and he hung himself as he could not cope but i hope this will help u tell your child one day when she is old enough it does get easier as time goes on.

SWEETBETTY - posted on 04/02/2011

HI KaSandra,
I'm sorry for your loss. As she gets older you will become wiser and you'll find the words and courage on what and how to say it to her. I don't know what to tell you but know that there are other mommies as well who been there. Searching out for those groups would help you somehow. grabbing some insight in how to deal with your loss and then how to tell your daughter when she gets older. But know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Be safe! Hugs!