Mom versus Paternal Grandma

Melissa - posted on 01/30/2013

Sounds kinda silly, paternal grandparents seem to be the worse. I had my beautiful daughter 9 years ago. I never married her father and the grandmother absolutely hated me for that. I remember her getting so controlling over the situation and saying hateful things about me that I told her she would never see her grandchild again. To this day, her father and I do not have good communication, he lives with his mother. My daughter comes from their house and hates it there. She tells me how her grandmother says horrible things to her, like, I don't love her, I did bad things when she was in my tummy and contradicts me all the time, like, there is no Santa, and police officers will arrest you if you don't wear your seatbelt, instead of simply stating it is safe for you to wear one. Needless to say, I made a mistake, I let my daughter visit with her years before on a consistent basis, like every Wednesday night and on occasion, a bit longer thinking I was making a stronger bond. Four years later, present day, I am in the middle of a custody battle with the paternal grandmother and father. I do not know how it will result, but she has tried brainwashing my child and saying negative things about me. My battle started June 2011 and from my understanding, it will be over this May, 2013. If you don't feel comfortable with that lady watching your child, DON'T let her. I didn't stick with my gut, now I am literally paying for it. I hope this helps.

Paxton - posted on 09/13/2012

Its odd, because some of these things you've said relate to me so well. My baby isn't even born yet but me and my boyfriend (which is the baby's father) are still together and his mom is one of the rudest people ive ever met.. Its all about how she looks or seems to everyone, and she has tried to talk my boyfriend into leaving me countless times, not to mention shes posted degrading things about me on facebook. I told her I don't want her anywhere around my child or me when he comes, and i'm not gonna change my mind about that.. I just get bad vibes from her, and even though my boyfriend is kinda in the middle at times I wont change my mind.. its so difficult but if you feel like your daughter isnt being treated right dont do it. Dont let her go. Just go on your vibes, and senses.

Tjuana - posted on 11/07/2011

Sometimes it can be helpful when the paternal grandparents are involved in you babies life. But if it has a negative affect on your child's life, that is what's more important. My daughters paternal grandparents started out fine, but when I left her father they started to change. After a while, they started to make her feel uncomfortable and started to undermine me and the decisions I made. She also didn't want to see them for a while. I stopped allowing her to see them for a while and when we all had a chance to cool down, I started to have conversations and giving rules and let them know if they wanted to be a part of her life they would have to move with and not against me. Everything turned out fine and my daughter is now close to 15. We have our bad days but we are trying to work together for her sake. You are the parent. What you say goes. I hope this works out.

Emily - posted on 10/19/2011

Just remember you're the mama. You make the decisions. Stay in control. Do what's best for you and your baby.

Laura - posted on 10/19/2011

I would ask your daugther why she doesn't want to go and tell her she does not need to be scared to tell you. Promise her you won't send her especially if that is not what she wants. Her grandmother has no right to tell you what to do or how to be a parent. Something has obviously happened which shows that she is not a good GRANDPARENT and has no right in telling you how you should be. I would look into your rights and find out if they can do anything. You do not have to send your child to her if you do not think it is in her best interest. I know over here in the UK, courts like kids to be involved with paternal grandparents after the break down of the parents relationship unless it is deemed unsafe for the child. I know this as my ex partners mother took me to court to get to my daugther but the courts refused her any access as she deemed the grandmother and her family (including my ex) as unsafe. I think that maybe the grandmother is trying to test you to see if she can get what she wants. Don't back down......you are better then her!!

Bryndís - posted on 10/18/2011

The grandmother has no rights. You are the parent and if your daughter dosn't want to go visit her grandmother she should not have to. She is obviously not comforable so don't make her go.

Willmarie - posted on 10/18/2011

OMG Paternal grandmothers seem to all have issues... lol

Cynthia - posted on 10/16/2011

My son used to have a fit over going to his paternal aunt and grandmas. I eventually was able to sever my son's biologial father's rights and then later got married and my husband adopted him. Depending on your state I would look into severing the father's rights, then we wouldn't have to worry about the grandparent at all.

Tamara R - posted on 10/09/2011

Hi Cynthia, since your ex is not in your daughters life and most likely doesn't pay child support, you owe nothing to his Mother. Since your child is reacting in a negative manner to her Grandma that is a sign of abuse and I would not let my child go back EVER!
You are being a true Mother, not a friend, as Mom's protect their children fiercely as it is our nature. You made an awesome point in your post, "I dont need any negative energy from anyone." Stick to that thought process!
Change your telephone number, cell number and if possible move. Don't let this woman find you. Contact child protective services and discuss your rights as a single Mom. If there is abuse taking place at Grandma's you may be able to get a restraining order or even further a protective order.
I would not let my child go back to an environment like that. Move forward and hold your head up high. Bring only positive into your daughter's life and I guarantee she will grow up just fine without her "biological father." My son did and he was 6 when I divorced his Dad (who just took off) and he is now 23 and a Dean's list student in college. If you need a shoulder just ask! Circle of Moms is a great group and we support our own.

Tamara R - posted on 10/09/2011

Since your daughter's biological father split, and most likely is not paying any child support, his Mother has no legal rights over this child. I don't know how old your daughter is; however if my child reacted to that I would turn your ex's Mother in for a child protective services check and then let child protective services know your side and your daughter's side and feelings.
If she cries that's a sign that something is vitally wrong over at Grandma's. As a single Mom of 16 yrs. I would put a stop to all communication. I would change my telephone number and if you can afford to move I'd advise you to move.
You make an awesome statement at the end of your post and you need to adhere to it, "I don't need any negative energy." Kick the negative out of your life and only surround your daughter with positive energy so that she can grow up and be a fine young woman as you would want her to be.
As Moms we have to be fiercely protective of our children's rights. And, you're not being a friend to your daughter when you don't send her to Grandma's, you're being a true Mother!!! Turn it around for both of you!!!

Misty - posted on 10/06/2011

I don't know what state you're in but you should check the laws for your state. I know in FL there are no grandparent rights so if your state doesn't have any you are not obligated to let her see your daughter at all. She obviouslly doesn't respect you as a mother therefore she doesn't need to be around your child. It is also raising serious red flags that your daughter is that upset around the grandmother that alone would make me stop visitations. It is of concern because she obviously doesn't follow your wishes in how you want your child raised and she is most likely not following your wishes when it comes to discipline either.

CYNTHIA - posted on 10/06/2011

thanks

Denikka - posted on 10/06/2011

Why doesn't your daughter want to go over to her grandmas?? Is there something going on that frightens her?

I wouldn't push it. Sure, gramma's going to be upset. It's a form of rejection. But your first responsibility is to your daughter, not to keeping gramma happy. Especially if she's being disrespectful.
I wouldn't force your daughter to go.