moving on/ after break ups

Charmaine - posted on 08/12/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Do you think that is is right after you have had children to one father, but that relationship doesnt work out, because their father chooses drugs over his family, do you think it is right to start another relationship with someone esle or should i stay single until the kids grow up, Right or wrong,

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Candice - posted on 08/15/2009

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my friend has a new man. her daughter has a nickname for him which pretty much means "dad" in another language. she knows who her father is and loves him...but there is no harm in being loved by more than one "dad".



don't stay single forever. you have needs too, for love and companionship, and..*cough* other things. besides, maybe you'll meet a good man and together you can teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like :)

Corrie - posted on 08/12/2009

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OMG, it is absolutely right for you to move on, but just be smart about it. Make sure that your next boyfriend is solid and will be good for both you and your kids!!! I wouldn't introduce your kids to your "new man" until you are sure that he has long term potential. But you should absolutely leave yourself open to the possibility of a new relationship, you need to show your children an example of how healthy relationships work, so pick a good guy and move on!

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Charmaine - posted on 08/14/2009

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Thanks everyone i guess i just dont want my kids to think that i am trying to replace their father in that way and he always will be, but i dont want to be alone forever and i think boys need a male rolemodel thanks for yourt advice

Amy - posted on 08/14/2009

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no way as long as your kids don't see a string of differant men, you need to move on from that dead beat but wait in till you know the relationship is specail before you introduce your kids to them as you know i am in the same possition as you right now and there is no way i would stay singel now depending on what sort of men i meet there is nothing wrong with taking your time intill you feel comfortable to date again being a singel mum dosn't mean you have to be lonley, mums need a life too do what feels right for you.

[deleted account]

That is the million dollar question. I have two girls and have been divorced from their dad for 10 years. I have had three serious relationships in that time and each time I have found that our lives are much easier and less emotionally charged when there is not a man in my life. I always have more time for my kids when there is not another adult around to take my time away from them. I wish I had been strong enough to simply decide that having a strong healthy relationship with my children was enough.

There is also the issue of safety when is comes to bringing new men around your children (physical, spiritual, and emotional. Another major fact that might make you want to wait is that kids get attached and there are no guarantees that the new man will stick around (don't mean to rain on your parade) which will be very difficult for the kids to deal with because they now have not only lost their father but also another trusted and loved adult in their lives. Most men, while they say they will be around, are not able to hold up that promise.

I know I am sounding a bit pessimistic but the truth of the matter is, your children are most important and while I have personal experience with this issue, I have also seen many problems with other women (and men) and their children while being employed as a family counselor.

Instead of feeling like you are missing out by not having a romantic relationship, consider yourself lucky that you have this opportunity to teach your children that you do not have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy. Forge strong bonds with family and friends, find a hobby that you and your kids can enjoy together and also one or two that you can do alone (you do need alone time to recharge your battery); like joining a local book club at your local library. Enjoy your life and your kids without all the emotional ups and downs that come with engaging in new romantic relationships. Enjoy your kids while they are kids because before you know it they will be grown and gone from the house.

However, if you do feel the need to get back in the dating scene be cautious about who you introduce to your children and as Corrie Wade stated wait until you know your "new man" is in it for the long haul and safe to be around your children.

Hope this helps and did not sound too "preachy". Helping strengthen children and families is one topic I am most passionate about. Feel free to contact me anytime to chat if you have questions or just need a friend.

Julie

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