My baby's daddy has anger issues, am I doing the right thing?

Lauren - posted on 07/17/2009 ( 56 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is Lauren. I am 21 years old and pregnant for the first time. I am due in Nov. 2009. My bf (ex-bf) and I have seperated due to his lack of self controll in the temper department. He has the emotional IQ of a 3 year old. He knows he has a problem but he has stilled scarred me more than once and has gotten physical more than once, but only once after we found out i was prego. I left him then, and let him hang around to visit. But he has made threats and said angry things in the heat of the moment, but later claims they are only angry words. I have several questions actually, and though my family has their opinions I would like some outside opinions.



I know he is willing to give the baby his last name but should I give her his or mine, especially if he has threatened in anger to take the baby?



He says he really loves me, but he hates my family, even the ones he hasn't met. He wants to be there for the birth. Would this be a good idea especially if my family hates him for what he's done to me? I don't want fights but If he wants to be involved in Evey's (the baby) life I want him to be.



His family hates me and thinks really horrible things of me ( they are really kinda crazy so they have fabricated up some riddiculous things to hate me for, none of which are true) and he is really irresponsible and I don't fully trust him. What should I do about visitation?



I have lots of questions but these are at the top of my list. I would really like to know any of your ladies opinions. Thank you!

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Lori - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi,



I also had an ex-husband with terrible anger issues. I told him he needs to get help for those issues, problem for me is I never followed through. It just continued to get worse, until he pulled a gun out. Thats when I knew it was over, lucky for me he didn't use it on me. Otherwise I would not be here today.



What you should do is talk to him and let him know you don't feel safe to be around him, and your child. Then recommend him getting help for anger issues. If that does not work, you can go to the court house for very little money and put in for a temporary restraining order, and go to court. In court you can plead your side to the judge and ask that he get anger management classes.



They can actually set it up through court that he can visit your child with a person that you both trust, such as your mom or his mom. Someone that is mutual and wont take sides. Anyways I think it is best for someone with this type of behavior to get help before he does something you and him will both regret.



I hope this helps....

Aimee - posted on 07/19/2009

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I seperated from my Child's Dad when she was 4 months old. We did not know each other very long before we got married and had a childright away. Right before I got pregnant I noticed how damaged mentally he was.(Wounded from an abusive child hood) Currently my child is 13 months and my divorce was finalized when she was a year. It happened by default which meant that he did not respond to papers served to him within a months time so the judge gave me full custody and he has no rights. Your case is very different.



Everything he says and does will influence your child. It is a brave move that you seperated from him and I support you in sticking to that decision. If you are stressed during your labor because he is present you could have a more difficult birth and physical complications could arise. So I would think that over carefully. You will know how to communicate your truth to him kindly if your decision is to have people there that you are more comfortable with.



A consideration...if she is in your full custody and you feel he may ever try to take her without you knowing it from your school...it might be better if she had your last name. Good to think over all angles. Plus if you ever meet someone else you want to be with and Marry...everything more clean as far as at least your daughter having your last name and you could keep your last name and add your new husband's name to that.

If you want to keep peace you could give her both last names if the father is going to be in her life for sure. You could make his second to last and yours the last name. Although, if you want child support from him he must sign the birth certificate and I bet he will only sign it if his last name is last. So another one to think over carefully.



If you are going to nurse, he will have to visit baby with you present. Later you can work all of this out with a mediator. There are counselors who will mediate in these situations and I highly suggest that. It will give you more clarity as to the best way to do this for all involved. I would be very leary to leave my baby alone with an angry person. Have faith and you will be led in all these matters with wisdom and ease.

Sending you love and light, Aimee Sitayin

Katie - posted on 07/18/2009

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I was with my baby's daddy for 4 years before I had my daughter. During that time he had been physically abusive and had an anger problem also. Once my baby was born, I decided that she could not live with someone like that and that she would be better off if she saw him only on good terms and not fighting with me. I did give her his last name which now I totally regret. As a single mother, it is hard to explain to doctors, airports, etc. why we have different last names. Someone who hits you or is abusive in any way does not truly love you! Love is kind and feels good not bad! I could not be with someone that does not like my family! I suggest talking to him and your family about who should be there at the birth and who you feel most comfortable with in the room. You two have a child now so people are going to have to get along at times. As for visitation, I allow my daughter to visit her dad for only 2-3 hours at a time or I allow his mother to watch her and he can visit then. You can go to court and arrange visitation, but then it will be up to the courts to decide everything. I would also start documenting anything he says (threats) and does to you in case you need it in court one day.

Nicola - posted on 07/20/2009

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i just wanted to say aswell that as soon as my partner and i split i went to a solicitor and got a residence order which proves that my son lives with me, my ex- had to agree to this and sign him to me otherwise it would go to court and under the circumstances he knew that the court's would favour me. this means that if my ex ever did decide to run off with my son or even threaten to do that again it would be a police matter and they have the right to go and get my son and bring him back to me.

Angelique - posted on 07/20/2009

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Yes, you have done the right thing. He does have a right to know his child, however, if you do not trust him, you can use legal avenues to have the conditions controlled. He needs to know that his actions are not acceptable, and your child needs to know the same. By letting him back in, you will be teaching the child that his actions are acceptable. Don't write your baby off to a life of abuse before she is even born! I had to leave my daughter's father for the same reason. Her father has earned back the right to less controlled visitation, and she (at 11years old) is fully aware that no one has the right to hurt her, in any way. Good luck, it does hurt to be the adult, but it is a part of parenthood, and the subject does get easier.

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Donette - posted on 06/19/2013

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LEAVE I know this sounds so harsh I have walked your walk my daughter is 19 and my grandchild is 7 months old and her father is truly a Dr jerly and Mr Hyde. He didn't start off like that I was 17 he was my highschool sweet heart but there were signs that it was a dysnfunctional family me being naive feeling sorry for him due to how he was brought up stood there by his side 22 years of getting back together cause his anger issues was a problem but I do he had issue's of how he was brought up by his mom but he tend to place his anger out on me for his downfalls in life, but I had hope in him and wanted a family he's a good guy when we had our good times.. My daugher had challenges caused due to his anger it affected her where I felt I needed his help cause I thought them mending their relationship would help my daugher to heal. It made things worst where she ended up pregant and running away due to him coming back in the picture thank god she return back home shortly afterwards . I ready thought with us becoming grandparents we was starting a new chapter in our lives the mistakes made in our early teens and twenties we wont repeat he swear he changed wow was i mistaken a month ago I went to a friends house to get some money she owe me. granted 6 weeks prior my daughter broke her leg and foot; me and dad was taking care of her and the baby with him being the primary he is unemployed he still goes out but I come home from work take care of baby and her til it's time for me to go to work again (women are more multitaks) but he thought I took too long at my friends house and I didn't take the baby I must of been with a man (I smoke cigarette's and do not smoke in the car with the baby and wanted a smoke plus I haven't seen any of my friends in a while) I came back home and he hit me while I was holding my grandson my daughter hop up the stairs in her cast with cell phone in hand and called the police he's no longer in my home nor my daugher or grandson or my life his bad always outweights the good my house feels lite and free me and daughter have a better relationship and my grandson is not going to live in the same turmoil that i had his mom go thru i refuse. the court system as well as child protective services kicked in where he can only see the baby if my daugher gives written consent for supervised visit where you can say she is still thinking about it sometimes we want the family for our children but a peaceful positive stable environment is more crucial in a child's life. I never really received family support from his side but I am blessed to have a big family and friend support system from mine where my daughter never lack nor will my grandson and I hope you have a system of your own I will not say it's easy I worked 2 jobs and all to take care of my kid and you can do the same god bless

Davida Marie Narcissa - posted on 09/03/2012

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Well, it seems that yo two did have talks about what belongs to the both of you.

Vaunda - posted on 07/28/2009

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I understand how challenging of a position you are in. My son's father was a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personality type too...His anger will not disappear when his child is born..his family will not change when their grandchild is born...if he hurts you..he will hurt the baby too..Get a protective order for yourself and your child..start a paper trail now..you are going to need it...get a Guardian Ad Litem for your child..that is a lawyer for your child..he/she will meet with both you and the baby's father..then give reccomendations to the judge as to who the baby should reside with..whether visitation should be supervised or not..etc...remember..this is for the baby...YOU are your baby's defense...if you aren't around...where does that leave your baby?

Amber - posted on 07/28/2009

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OK Lauren. I was in the same situation. I stressed about the baby's last name and if I should let him be in there when I gave birth. The baby can since your stress, so try you best not to stress. Now my baby is 10 months old. There is no right or wrong answer but this is what I did.
The last name. I gave him my last name but I did put his Dad's last name as his middle name. I did this because I couldn't see my child having his(my ex) ex-wifes and his new wifes last name. Also I did it because it would be easier for him to get it swicthed to his last name than me get it swicthed to my last name. All he would have to do is take you to court to get it swicthed to his last name, but that requires effort. So I wasn't for sure if his Dad was going to be around so I gave him my last name. If he wanted it changed it could be done easy but he has not done it. So I still believe I made the right decision.
Now visitations. I tryed from day one to get his Dad involved and it only back fired in my face. I am no longer making it at his(the Dad) convenience. Legally, as long as you and the Dad was not married, he has no rights untill he takes you to court. That also requires effort. Also start keeping a journal of things he does now while your pregnant. This will be very usefull later, if he does take you to court. Also if you go get child support, it does not mean he gets vistations. Now after you have the baby you are going to feel like the world is on your shoulder and your going to want help. That's where I went wrong cause I called his Dad, when he had no interest in helping with him at all. Single partenting is very hard, I'm not going to lie but you will get through it. Just don't try to make him ( the Dad) get involved because then it won't be cause he wanted to. If he wants to be a part of his childs life, he can be, but once again it will take some effort on his part. Now I know you think that everyone is going to think your bad because your keeping the child's father from him, because I did, but it is legally impossible for you to toally keep tha child away from their father. So that's all up to him.
Well I hope I helped and if I can help in any other way just let me know.
Amber

Tessa - posted on 07/27/2009

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hi lauren, if i am i your shoes i will never deal anything with that guy. Now that your pregnant pls stay away from gettting emotional stress as this will affect your child. it is very important to be happy while conceiving as this will soon reflect on your childs personality when he /she grows up. i dont think it will be healthy for the two of you to be together as both your fams dont like you both for each other. i dont think he loves you the most because if he does he shouldnt hate your family. i think he should love himself first before he can love you. it would be better to leave away from him.have a happy birthing..

Stephanie - posted on 07/27/2009

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Lauren,
I know this is a very stressful time and you have a lot of questions. First, I would like to recommend that you give Evey YOUR last name. I am a single mom who was in the same situation with my baby father threatening to take her away. Things have settled over the years and he lives in a foreign country. My daughter has visited a few times, but each time I have had to provide a certified letter giving permission to her father to take her and the specific dates that he can keep her. Having my last name makes it much more difficult for the father to do things without your knowledge.
Second. I have been working for the past 15 years with abused children and women. It is a very vicious cycle which rarely changes. I would suggest that you require your baby daddy to take an anger management class as a pre-requisite to having anytype of visitation. Babies bring even more stresses to a relationship and if he was physical before the baby, it could get worse quickly. Too many women stay in a bad relationship for "the sake of the children", but as a therapist, I can tell you that it does not help the children in the long run. Providing the most structure and safe environment that you can is what makes for well rounded and confident children. You make the rules and make sure that Evey sees the best, so this by deciding when, who and where people are in her life.
I wish you the best and hope that you can bring a balance into yours and Evey's life.
Stephanie

Amy - posted on 07/26/2009

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About the name thing, I would give her your own last name, unfortunately I didn't listen to my family and hyphenated my daughters last name and now I'm really regretting it. It's not really worth having him there, especially if you are going to have a family member there, it might get messy and while you are in labor that is the last thing you want to deal with. I went through basically the same thing and had him in the room and couldn't deal with it, I kept making him leave. Go to court, even now before you give birth, file all the papers. Ask for supervised visitation with a court ordered/employed supervisor, he will have to pay the supervisor, and they are expensive, he might not want to bother. If you have any doubts about letting him near her alone DON'T. Follow every instinct you have. That baby is way more important than his ego. Perhaps he wants to be part of her life, but it has to be in a way that you are comfortable with and a way that she is 100% safe. You also might consider a restraining order that covers both you and her. It's hard and it sucks, but it is the best thing you can do. If you need anything feel free to let me know!

Marisa - posted on 07/25/2009

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I have had a similar situation with my ex. We got married at his insistance only to leave my daughter and I, when she was 11 months old. I gave my daughter his last name to avoid fighting with his parents. Although now my daughter will be turning four, and he has made more of an effort to see her, I ALWAYS questions how he behaves when he has her to himself. I recently was called by his now pregnant girlfriend. He had left her (GF) on the side of the road in 104 heat and then took off with my daughter and drove across two states for no reason!! His family claimed it was fine for him to have alone time with his daughter. Me and everyone else thought he was irrational and crazy. Yet, my divorce decree allows him certain rights that I can do nothing about. The reality in this situation is that people with these issues rarely change. If I could go back in time, I would have stuck to my guns about him seeing his daughter again (after 3 months of total abandonement of me and her). He even stole our only car for 4 1/2 months! He didn't want to deal with us when she was a baby. Now that she is older he feels more secure about keeping her over the weekend. But, when he pulls stunts like the last one, it is scary! You just never know when he is going to lose control and act out. His present girlfriend has shared stories very similar to mine. When they fight she confides in me and explains that he has gotten very angry with our child. Yet, I have my hands tied. I am currently trying to finish a degree and get out of the state. (I have primary custody)...yet our divorce decree states he will have her for four weeks in August. I am sad, and hurt and there is nothing I can do! My advice is to be as independent of him as you can. Have your own money, your own place, your own everything. Make notes of when he has had a violent or angry episode. And, don't forget that there are people out there that want to help you. I was not afraid to ask local resources for help. I got my divorce for free. It is a difficult situation, I am extremely sympathetic. I allowed this person into my life time and time again. I always thought that "this time" would be different. But the roller coaster never stops. About having him there at the birth...mine was eating a cheeseburger at the last second before I had an emergency C-section. He knew I hadn't eaten and was starving (only ice chips and very few at that)...and to eat a big juicy burger right before my traumatic emergency c-section pissed me off!!! Then his family threw a fit and didn't even say hello to my newborn because the hospital used my last name for security reasons on her name card. I understand when you say that they are kind of crazy, I think it is where these men learn these behaviours...



I am trying to cut my ties. He will dissapoint my daughter eventually on his own. I just want to protect her from his violent temper. It is a difficult decision to make. Good luck! Be Strong!! Let us know how things go...

Veronica - posted on 07/25/2009

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Lauren, i truly feel for u because i have been in a similar situation.U first have to be able to separate ur relationship with him and his with Evey. As for his threats I say document, record, report!!! Do not allow him to be alone with her because u never know what people may do in the "heat of the moment" especially when they dont get their way. U already said he has the emotional IQ of a 3 year old, can u trust that type of person to be alone with such a precious gift?? Our priority as mothers is to protect our children and u have to do that by any means. U can still allow him to be in her life and take on his role as her father, but be careful and make smart decisions. Don't leave her alone with him for a second (no bathroom breaks, quick shower, run to the store) nothing!!! It only takes a second to abduct a child!! Good luck and may God always bless u and Evey!!!

Leanna - posted on 07/24/2009

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Honestly I would give the baby his last name. Whether he is in her life or not it is still his child. As soon as you have your daughter go to court and file for full physical custody....if you do not he has as much right to take her as you do. If you are comfortable enough to let him in the delivery room, then do it. Sit down with your family and explain to them this is your child and it should be a happy occasion, so keep their comments to themselves. If anyone gets out of hand they get thrown out regardless of who it is.
Visitation can be decided at court, but I would worry about that when the time comes. Good luck to you and congratulations on baby Evey!!!

Dawn - posted on 07/24/2009

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If he's using the child to get to you or is hurting the child you need a no contact order!! He would still have to pay child support and you can request the court give him "court supervised" visitation only. My husband went to anger management and it didn't do squat..I was still punched, hit, tossed into walls, and raped. Do you want your child to see that? Keep in mind that if you stay with him and the abuse cont and moves onto the child and you don't do leave him or calll the police to protect yourself and the child...you can lose the child to CPS. And believe me these days they won't hesitate to take the child.

Tamra - posted on 07/24/2009

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Keeping him to supervised visitation until he egets help would be my suggestion. He has already threatened to use the baby as a tactic to exert control over you. I married a guy with anger ssues, have divorced him bt he is still trying to get to me. My kids were grown up in their late teens early 20's and had to live with him fro 3 years and they have huge issues with him and with me for puting through that. Biggest mistake I ever made was marrying him. But he is the baby;s father and has rights. Supervised visitation and have a paper trail of why he needs to have that. The last name is your decision. But every child deserves a mother and a father and they will come to their own conclusions your job is to keep that baby safe at all costs. Good luck to you.

Dawn - posted on 07/24/2009

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I spent 13 years with a man like that and I have a 10 year old son. You need to remove yourself from him NOW!!!!!!!!! Go to the court and get a no contact order and support payments set up NOW. Don't "hang out" becaue you think he'll chang once the baby gets here. My EX dislocated my son't shoulder, elbow and broke his wrist when our son was three. When my son was five he watched, then called the police, as my hsband beat me till I was on the ground bleeding and not moving. three weeks in the hospital and I am no longer able to have children.

I have now left my husband out of fear for my life and that of my child. I am in counsling three days a week because of the 13 years of abuse and for the first time in my life I have to learn how to live WITHOUT fear. Don't make the same mistake I did. For yourself and that of your unborn child GET OUT NOW!

Kristine - posted on 07/24/2009

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Girl, you are in a mess.............but it is ok because we all have been there! The most important thing to remember is you have to think of yourself 1st right now and that will then make the baby ok. If he has hurt you during your pregnancy, then the cycle will never stop. I have been there and believe me when I say this..............it won't get any better. If your families are not united right now, even with the wonderful blessing of your pregnancy, then they will never come together. The baby should not be the reason to become united.......it should have been from you two. As for his last name, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important right now. You can always have it changed later if when AND IF he ever stops hurting you and gets help! I went through that and I changed my childs last name before I really had time to decide, and I regret it. I know that this is so hard but take care of your self right now! Don't give you ex bf the power of controlling you. When you start having bad thoughts about yourself because of someone elses actions, you're letting them have the control. And as for him threatening to take the baby..........yeah right..............he would not have a chance in the world with his abuse pattern. Family is suppose to be supportive no matter what, and that does not look like it is happening. But always remember this........mom's know best and if the mom does not like the bf, there is a good reason why that she can see and you can't right now. You're going to be a mom soon and these are things you are going to have to deal with..........lets just hope they are not anything dealing with any kind of abuse. If you ex-bf hits you now, it will happen to the child and that is all they will learn to know. I have had counseling and am speaking from my heart. I hope all turns out for you ok! And also, the ex bf does not need to be in that room. If the doctor were to sense any tension whatsoever, he would ask him to leave with or without your permission. I know that from experience!

Michelle - posted on 07/24/2009

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Trust your instincts he does not sound like good father material. Its all rite him sayin it's heat of the moment but he seems to be doin nothin in dealin with his anger issues his family do not seem to be much use either if they are being like that and knowin u are pregnant. They should be over the moon after all it's a little un soon to be born. If it was me i would have as little to do wit him as humanly possible although try and be amicable for the child's sake or sort some of custody issues. I think if he is being violent now u do not want the child growin up in that environment so please do not put the child through that agony cause it does affect them as i myself grew up with a very unhappy childhood and it does cause problems in later life

Traci - posted on 07/24/2009

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I was in a similar situation. Difference is, i stayed with him, and ended up having two children with him, before i left. I didn't want my children growing up seeing us argue and daddy hitting mommy, or them, by accident. His family didn't like me, but i am the mother of their grandchildren and they can't change that. In my opinion, he is bi-polar and maybe your ex should get tested, if he is willing, and that could change the whole situation. He would be more in control of his actions.

My children have their father's last name, even though we didn't get married. It really depends on your own feelings of this. Just because the child has his last name, doesn't mean he can take her. The law is on the side of the mother. There is a lot he would have to go through before he could take her.

As for the birth, it's something that will only happen one time, and you can never go back to. If trouble starts, hospital security can make people leave if it's necessary, but for yours and the child's sake, maybe they could be adults about this for one day. e-mail me if you want to talk just to me. tlosborne@rocketmail.com it seems very similar to my situation only my family didn't know the extent of it with me.

Angela - posted on 07/23/2009

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Lauren, I feel your pain. my family hated my ex too. we have twins together, and were together for almost 13 years! he and I both have had anger issues, but NO man should raise his hand to a woman. and the "im sorry baby,I didn' mean it" routine is so old, it ranks up there with "you made me do it" Don't buy that!! My situation is different, so I felt comfortable giving my children their father's name, but you need to consider, when the school calls Evey's house they will ask for ms. his-last-name, and there will be confusion. also, my gut says that if she has his last name, and he does take her away from you, there will be extra trouble trying to get her back.
I agree with wanting to allow him in his daughter's life, but do NOT trust him alone with her!! even after 13 years with mine, he doesn't get solo time with the kids until he proves himself... as far as the birth, remember the only one who's comfort matters in the birthing room is YOURS!!! if you don't like the fighting, get rid of people. also, just a tip, you can ask the nurses to do it for you, if you don't feel up to it. they usually will.
Breaking it to him will be hard, but if you are afraid in any way, have someone with you, tell him in a passing manner and get out!! or if that is still to stressful, write him a letter. works everytime for me!
Best of luck, and be strong!
Peace
Angie

TIFFANY - posted on 07/23/2009

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Hi lauren, My name is Tiffany and i understand your situation due to i was with my ex partner for over 5 years and we have a four year old and he has serious anger issues as well. I recently just packed my son and I and left. I think with this type of anger issue the man has too seriously admit to himself that he has a problem before he will really get help. My family hates him as well and i could bring around for any family gatherings. He would constantly want to break things or would throw breakables at my head when any little thing would tick him off. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him. I really regret now leaving along time ago. I think that you should give your baby your last name because now my son is in school age and the teachers keep calling me my ex's last name!! For visitation you could always go along with your child on visits until he can show you that he is making a change with the temp problem. Thats exactly what I do everytime he wants to see my son he knows I will be there to observe. I hope everything works out for you but i really understand the emotional stress that comes along with physical and mental abuse!! Good luck!!

Annette - posted on 07/23/2009

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If he has anger issues, don't let him near you or the baby until he gets help. If he is serious about being in her life, he will get help. If he doesn't get help then you know where you and the baby stand. My ex served 3 months in jail for assaulting me. He split my head open with a plate in front of our daughter. He sees her for 4 hours every week because the judge said so. He has a major addiction 2 alcohol and won't do anything about it. If I had my way he wouldn't be anywhere near her. If he can do that to me, what is he capable of doing to her cos she cries over something and he's hungover. Make him prove he's worth it before your baby gets attached to him. Don't give her his name. It's the biggest mistake I made. That's my advice anyway. Hope it helps. Annette

Courtney - posted on 07/23/2009

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Don't give the child the last name it is alot easier in the future because you don't want to be with this man for the future of your child. First don't allow him to sign the papers in the hospital for paternity. Then after the child is born get the birth certificate (the offical one) asap his name will not be on it. If after this point you want him to claim paternity for child support do it only after the certificate is yours.
He is trying to isolate you by saying he hates your family. He doesn't want them around you guys so they won't know for sure how bad he is treating you.
Document EVERYTHING, every threat, everything, so when you go to court for child support and visitation rights is brought up you have documented proof of threats with dates times etc so it is less likely he would be allowed unsupervised visitation.

I got pregnant during a "break" with my kids father (I have twins). I got back with him and attempted to make things work. He shoke my one daughter (who has autism) because she wouldn't listen to him. I kicked him out of MY house that I bought. You have to have plan get a plan and figure it out. In the heat of an arguement is not a good excuse. In the heat of an agruement he can get out a gun and shot you and not "really mean it" Protect your child.

Sasha - posted on 07/23/2009

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For me, I know he's the daddy, but you have to thing of your baby and yourself, he should be involved but if he has an anger problem it should be under a supervision order. Concerning the birth I would have someone with you thats gonna help you not stress you out....hope all goes well...Sasha

Angela - posted on 07/23/2009

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I think you are doing the right thing, and I think you know that you are! I was in a situation like that 13 years ago at first it was difficult. I know that I didn't want my daughter to be in that type of environment because I didn't want her to think that it was ok. He has not change even now that he has another family and my daughter can see that I made a good decision. If he doesn't like your family and they haven't done anything to him, that is a red flag.

Jennifer - posted on 07/23/2009

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Force him to go to counseling with you or the answer is no he can't be there during the birth.



He is mentally retarded or immature?



Physical violence will never be fixed unless the issues are addressed head on. Male batterers often isolate you from your family, because they have control issues. The threats of taking your daughter are his power issues.



Go to free legal aide to establish child support, visitations officially. If he wants visitations and to be in your daughter's life he needs to take care of her in every way. He has to agree to officially take care of his family.



Going to counseling will help you to develop a visitation plan, child support payment plan, and deal with his anger issues. Imagine not dealing with his anger issues and he physically abuses your daughter.



Contact me directly if you need to discuss this more.

Muzelle - posted on 07/23/2009

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Dear Lauren,

I am sorry to hear what had happen. I have gone trough a terrible thing almost a year ago so my opinion is going to be hard but so true. I think if he thinks of harming you he will do it, espesilly if he is a little bit crazy. You have to cut him out off your life. give your baby your surname. I am now a single mother of two boys. Its very hard I wont lie to you, but your family care about you and they will stand by you. My husband did not like my family and it was very difficult for us. Please do me the favour and get out of that relationship before something that happen to me will happen to you. We normally do not see the sighns infront of us. Do not ignore them. there will come someone in your life that will accept you and your baby as his own. Out there are men who are loving and caring just be open to it. Enjoy your baby because no one can take that away from you. I hope you understand. Be brave and do the right thing.

Tami - posted on 07/22/2009

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I have read alot of what the other women have posted and sat and cried.... I hate (I know a strong word but I do) my daughters father.. when she was 6 months old she couldnt sit up, christmas pictures she wasnt sitting up yet either... I think back all the time and wonder how a father could do that to your first baby girl.. she was supose to be a daddy's girl.... As I sit here and cry writing this I feel I'm crying for her... She wont know the father that was there when she was first born... He sat and held her all the time, just sat and starred at her..... What happend??? I guess drugs were more important than your baby girl.. She has come along way.. She is 14 months now and is walking and is a very smart little girl.... I love my babies so much..... I thank God for them....

Tami - posted on 07/22/2009

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I have went through similar things.. My daughters father/sperm donor would leave her home alone as an infant to get high on drugs or drink and cheat on me... I kicked him out in Nov 7 2008 and he hasn't seen her since Dec 2 2008. I wish I wouldn't have given her his last name but we were togeather and I loved him so much.... He hasn't tried seeing her at all.. The girl he cheated on me with he got her pregnant and has left her.
The only way he will ever see her is supervised visits.. I dont trust him at all.. He is dealing Meth and Cocaine and Marijuana I dont want my princess around that or him..And as far as a father taking a child and your not married he will get it for kidnapping (in Minnesota not sure your laws where you are but you can look into it). He hasn't helped with anything at all and didn't even know when her 1st birthday was.. He said June and her birthday was in May..
Good luck and just look into the laws where your at...

Angel - posted on 07/22/2009

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Wow! And here I thought I was the only one! Thank you Lauren for posting such a sensitive and personal subject! Reading the replys from all these women who have been in similar situations, has been very theraputic for me in dealing with my own abusive situation! Also, thank you ladies for your words of encouragement! ...WOW!

Elizabeth - posted on 07/22/2009

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I have read alittle of what people have wrote. What I can add is that every state is different. No Law is the same every where. In Ohio I have complete control because we were not married. Other states married or not this is not the case. My ex has to fight for everything, I have friends in other states that have to give there children up to visits no matter what. My best advice is to find out what it is in your state and go from there. Just remeber you and your child come first.

Samantha - posted on 07/22/2009

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Hi, i am 35 now and 2 abusive partners later i know how confused you must be feeling, i split with my first ex when i was 3 months pregnant and he also had anger issues and very controlling so i put my daughter in my name the best thing i did for me and my child you are the one that will always be around.

If he loved you he would not put you through any pain let alone abuse you and make threats, and as for your ex hating your family it so he can isolate you and have total control over you and the child, thats not love its prison believe me i spent 5 years isolated from my friends and family controled by him to which when i did leave it was to refuge with 2 kids.
You are being a good mother to want him in your childs life but the reality will he be stable? will him not harm you or the baby when he cant control himself? will you trust him 1000% with your baby while you popped out.
Not alll children need there fathers because sometimes having an abusive beginning is more damage than being brought up with 1 loving parent.

His family are just the same as him abusive and your baby does not deserve them as family, let them take you to court if they want access that way you can have your say about concerns and they will make sure the baby is treated properly, if you are not happy with what it says then dont abey it, i have a court order on me for my son so his father can see him 2 sndays a week ut because he started being nasty to my son and saying nasty things i stopped him 2 years ago i nothing will make me hand him over, you are the parent you no whats best for your child, trust your instinct they are always right.

Good luck and i hope i helped you if you have anymore questions i would be happy to help if i can.xx

Nichole - posted on 07/22/2009

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Like others have said there are no easy answers. We don't know the entire situation either. As far as if he should be in delivery room...Yea you need to be comfortable.. but at the same time I feel there is a special bond a man has with a child he see's born and I feel that if a man see's the child being born they are more likely to be an active father (although not always true I sense this from past experiences of my own and other mothers/fathers I know). As far as the last name goes - that is totally up to you! If you think he will be active in your childs life then maybe the baby should have his last name. There are never any easy answers to anything. Now other than what i just stated. He needs to see a counselor regarding his anger issues. And I would use that as a condition in visitation etc. I would sit down and have a talk about everything and suggest he go to counseling that it would make you feel better having him be a daddy if he were to get help to control his anger. As far as your family and his family etc. our families are always going to have their own opinions..sometimes it is good to take there advice but if your gut tells you different then you should follow what you feel is right.

Angel - posted on 07/22/2009

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Lauren

When I had my son his father was similiar to your childs father. He was a great provider and took care of me the entire time before and after the pregnancy. But his temper began to be too much, he became controlling and I eventually left when my son was 4 1/2. It was the best thing I could have ever done for my child. He has a great relationship with his dad and I am thankful for that. I never went back after I left and never led him on. What ever you do when you decided to leave(you will know when you have had enough) never and I mean never go back. Do it for you child!!! They deserve so much. Right now my son is 15 years old he attends private school (thanks to his dad), has a 3.5 gpa, and is 6 foot 175 lbs bigger than his dad is. He knows his dad has anger management issues and his dad has even sought some help for it. All I am saying is at the end of the day we as mothers have to protect our children at any cost even at the sake of our own happiness. Be blessed and pray!!!

Decembre - posted on 07/21/2009

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Wow, honestly this sounds exactly like my husband! EXACTLY! We got divorced because of it and it got to the point where he started to use drugs because his just got so out of control. But he lives in Texas now thank god and has threatened to kill me and take Cal-El.



Well I have the baby his last name but I am changing it back to mine because of his anger and everything Cal-El does not have a choice to see him or visit him till he is 18 and can make his own decisions.



For the birth my husband left me in the hospital while he went to the bar. Him being there though was comfort for me as much as I hate him, seeing his face when Cal-El came I'll never take that back I'll never forget the tears. Even if inside I knew he was a dick.



I hope that help. I'm here to talk I know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling.

Carly - posted on 07/21/2009

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No one can tell you what to do as you need to do what is best for you and most importantly what is best for Evey. All I can tell you is what I went through. I was with my son's father until a week before my due date (luckily my son was two weeks late.) Due to my ex's anger issues and an extremely abusive behavior, I had rented an apartment in prepartion to leave about three months before I actually left. Finally a week before my son was born, my nerves were shot and he broke the final straw by stealing money from my savings for my son. A group of friends helped me move out. On the day my son was born, I called his father as I thought it was important for him to be there at the birth and I wanted him to be in my son's life. From the time he got to the hospital, he was awful. I had back labor the whole time and he continously kicked my bed when the nurses/doctors were out of the room. I threatened to have him removed and he told me he would stop. Then when the dr came in to give me the epidural, the person giving the epidural was a man. My ex lost his mind saying I was not to have the epidrual. Because my blood pressure was already really high and the labor was difficult thus far, I decided to have him removed from the hospital. Security came in and took him out. He was very angry. Luckily, my Mom got there just before I had the baby so I was not alone and surpisingly, after he was gone, the labor was much easier. The father called the next day wanting to apologize and find out if the baby was okay. I told him he was fine. When he asked me what last name the baby had and he found out he was given mine, he immediately started screaming in the phone. I hung up. After we got home, I did call and tell him that I would meet him somewhere in public so he could meet his son. He said, if he couldn't have us both, he didn't want either of us. That was enough for me and relieved me of any worries I had of not allowing him in his life. I told him not to call and if he tried to contact us, I would go to the police. My son is now 5 and we have never heard from him. My son has asked about his father. I have responded to his questions that he does have a father but he did not make good choices so I had to make the best choice for my he and I to be happy and healthy. I have kept pictures and some other items of his fathers for him to have as he grows up. He has seen the pictures and is fine with the fact that he is not in our lives at this point. When he gets older, if he decides he wants to meet him, I will help him contact him. I can tell you whatever you do, get rid of the anger. If you choose to let the father be in the babies life, he has to know that there is no chance you are getting back together and that he is in the babies life to be a father. If he can't live up to all that means and be a good father, he should make the choice not to be in the childs life. If he wants to be in the babies life, he has all the right in the world to fight to see the child. Try do it peacefully as possible if you believe he will fight for visitation as you nor the baby need the stress. Remember, happy people make happy babies. Please do remember that if he is not at the birth or does not go sign the birth certificate, the father will not be listed on the birth certificate. You can give her the name you choose for the last name but father will not be on the birth certificate unless he is present. Hang in there. It will all turn out for the best in the end.

Laurie - posted on 07/21/2009

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Lauren,

as a survivor of a very abusive marriage all I can say is run and run fast..... Anger the kind that cannot be controled or forgotten so easily is a big red flag.Protect your unborn baby and yoru self. It may be hard to do but you do not want to end up like me watching your two year old precious baby girl get hit in the head by a door because her father has anger issues...................... RUN.

I am here to help you anyway I can,Laurie

Sue - posted on 07/21/2009

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I forgot to say... its you giving birth and its stressfull enough the first time... you have the right to have who you want to be with you to make things easier... if it were me i wouldnt want such an abusive person there at a time that should be a joyful experience for you... you should have beautiful memories of your daughters birth... not to think back how bad it was with your ex there... my ex was verbally abusive and after what he put me thro he's destroyed what were once beautiful memories of my childrens births..xx

Sue - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hunni... your ex will not change whether you let him in on any part of your life... and think about it... he may have only hit you once since you've been pregnant... what happens when you've given birth? He'll start again and again... and then its you and your baby at risk... long term if youre still together this child is going to see all this abuse and will think its normal... this will hit your child emotionally and as for you... your confidence will wilter to nothing...IF he really loved you , he would treat you with the love and respect that you deserve... you dont deserve this treatment,,,,, you are worth sooooooo much more!! Forget his family ... he has come from their mold and wont have a good thing to say to you or about you... they are only going to make you feel worse than ever before... dont go looking for their approval cos no matter what you do you wont get it.... and anyway would you want the approval of a family just as bad as your ex?...I wouldnt give you baby his name for god knows how many reasons...Believe me... thro different circumstances i have had a lot of this treatment so please please hunnii dont go there and stay within the love and safety of your family and friends AND build a new life for yourself!! I know i'm a stranger but if you want to chat further my email addy is sue2friends@yahoo.com Take care and look AFTER what is most important...YOU and your BABY!! Big hugs x

Tiffany - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Lauren, I totally agree with what a lot of these ladies have to say. You really dont want Evey growing up in an abusive family. You dont want Evey to think that's the "acceptable norm." I feel that he should be there when the baby is born if he choose's too.



The child should have your last name. I made that mistake before and going to court to get my daughters name changed was long and expensive.



But Lauren you have to do whats best for you and Evey. Just like Ms. Brandi said his anger will only esculate and eventually get worse if he doesnt seek help.



I hope our advice helps guide you in the right direction..

Tania - posted on 07/20/2009

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children who grow up around and in abusive families suffer from a lifetime of pain and emotional problems think of your child and what you wish for your childs life i would imagine one of happiness and love dont put it in a position to be hurt emotionally or physically be strong. you earn the right to be a parent and to be loved by your child.

Brandy - posted on 07/20/2009

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In response I am glad you decided to get out while you did. it truly sounds like he has a problem and until he seeks help for his anger issues they are bound to esculate. So give the baby your last name if he is truly intent on being a good dad he'll try to take you to court for his rights if not he wont bother with the legal system cause he is wrong and probably going to do more Be Carefull

Nicola - posted on 07/20/2009

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hi lauren after reading ur post i really felt a need to reply.

I would like to tell u about my situation. My son is two in october, and ever since he was four months old me and his father have been seperated. My ex- partner was always trying to control me altough it was never violent our relationship was always very intence. after my son was born i had postnatal depression and my now ex didn't help the situation by putting me down, telling me that he was goin to find another women and tellin me that i am not mentally capable of taking care of a child and that he was goin to take him off me. the relationship deteriated and began to get violent on his part, i tried to make it work but in the end there wasn't anything to salvage and the last day of our relationship resulted in the police being called to get him away from me.

what i'm trying to say is that in an ideal world it would be great if the relationship could sort itself out for the sake of ur little one but from expeirence i can assure yu that the relationship issues will not get any better when there is a baby, infact it will prob make it a hundred times worse. I can't tell you what to do and i no you are in a very arkward situation with your families in the mix, my ex and my family also didn't gat along, what was worse is they all work together still to this day :( but i think you are already aware that your ex needs to do something about his actions and if you really do want to make a go of things then i really think you shuld both look into councilling before the baby arrives.

p.s my son took my ex's surname and i really regret that decision, If i had another child they would take my name if i wasn't married no matter how strong that relationship is.



i really hope that some of this has been some help to you, i'm sure you don't need all this stress in ur life right now. i wish you luck.

Danielle - posted on 07/20/2009

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Hi Lauren, i'm kinda of in the same boat but my ex never physicall aboused me he just verbally abused me. He was controlling in the i care about you kind of way. But he continuouslly went out to the bars left me at home. Do one day he decided being single and all that stuff was more important to him. He is on probahtion, does not have a drivers license so all that made me question leaving the baby with him. He also dates a lot of girls and has one night stands don't want my son around that, i dont know if i give him the baby and he wants to go out so has somone watch him instead. so after a few weeks after we broke up with being civil with me he started always yelling at me, telling me how everything was gonna go and if he didn't like it would threaten to sign over his rights or threaten me with a lawyer. So i looked up the laws in my state called socail services and lawyers and i found out i could move before the baby was born he coudn't stop me and would have to come to me if he wants to fight for rights and would have to pay to prove paternity because i'm not putting him on the birth certifciate or giving him his last name.

Lauren - posted on 07/19/2009

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he says he will pay child support and be there...but what he really wants is for us to get back together, I just don't see that happening, though I love him, but I got really lost being with him...hence the whole prego thing, never would have happened if I was in my right mind. But I am happy I am gonna have a child, I was worried about infertility for the longest time, guess now i know lol.

[deleted account]

It's tough...i had to get a restraining order on my daughters father because he doesn't want to pay support

Lauren - posted on 07/19/2009

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Thank you all for your comments. I think I have made my decision, but how to convey it to him without him freaking lol I will worry about it when the time is closer. Thank you again!

[deleted account]

Hi Lauren...ok so I had the same issue with my daughters father. He would threaten to take her when I said she was going to have my last name he would get mad and say she wasn't his...it was a constant battle throughout my whole pregnancy and even still...my daughter has my last name and he is not on the birth certificate only because he has family that lives in the DR and I am afraid he will take her,,,basically it is up to you and what you think is best for you and your baby

Tracy - posted on 07/19/2009

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Seriously..... walk away from him and don't look back. Been there.... give baby your last name and make sure he has no visitation ( well at least not unsupervised, if he REALLY has an interest in baby). Your going to do your own thing no matter what - no one can make you do what they think is right for you. Hopefully you will choose the safe passage for you and your baby. Good luck to you and stay safe. ♥

Jessica - posted on 07/19/2009

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1. The only way he will have rights to even try taking ur baby off you would be if you where both on the birth certificate. You can give the baby his last name without putting him on the birth certificate.
2. first you guys will regret fighting over your family members. Do you tell them who to date and what you think about their relationships. If you know someone hates him don't ask them for their opinion. Unless u are mad at the time and want someone to agree with you. I really believe i would still b with my kids dad and made it work if I wasn't so into what my family and friends thought. Its YOUR LIFE live it how you want and don't let it go if you really want it like anything you work hard until you no longer can.
3. Ur baby is not even born so don't stress about the small things like visitation for a child that is not here yet.
Good luck and remember it is all You girl No matter what you decide to do its ur choice don't let him, ur friends, or either family change what u know you want to do..

Jenni - posted on 07/19/2009

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Hi Lauren,

I was your age when I fell pregnant with my 1st child. I was in an abusive relationship with a man 12yrs older than me. My family didn't like him which made me stay with him to prove a point. We moved away and lost contact with friends and family, looking back it was his way of controling me, but when you love someone you'll do anything. We had another child a year later. I gave both my children my surname, deep down I knew we wouldn't last. After 8yrs I left him. You have to start thinking of yourself and Evey''s wellbeing, Have someone at the birth who will calm you, even if it means shutting the family out. Stand up to them and tell them straight to all grow up and stop stressing you out, it's not good for you or the baby. Get some legal advice about visitation rights. You can have supervised visits if he carrys on being abusive. At the end of the day he is going to be the father of your baby and a part of your life whether you are together or not. I would recommend keeping a diary to record anything untoward he says or does. I hope everything works out fine for you. Be strong and don't take no shit off those around you that are stressing you out. Good luck for the birth. x

Greta - posted on 07/18/2009

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i remember the day my babby was born, her father and i were separated, but he was there and now my child is almost 8, i tell her that her father was in the hospital that day, he holded her in his arms and kissed her tenderly....she loves to hear that story.....the comming of a babby must be a wonderful moment; eventhough the sky is almost to fall down over our heads. be strong i am sure u can do it!!!

Nina - posted on 07/17/2009

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Hi Lauren, Those are difficult questions because there really is no easy answer. As far as should he be at the birth, it is really important for you to not be stressed while in labor. If you think there is going to be too much tension and stress in the room then only have the people in the room that will be the most supportive to you. You and baby Evey are the most important and need the support. I had my MIL in the room to support my exhusband and all she did was stress me out. I wish I had said no to her coming in. Get a custody agreement set up as soon as possible. Then his family can see her when she is with him.



Good luck.

Nina

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