My Boyfriend resents and teases my 5 year old son (desperate mum)

Alice Monterio - posted on 12/19/2012

TOTALLY AGREE WITH S.J. Get him AWAY from your son!

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Alexis - posted on 11/28/2012

Why have you not gone to counsellor for enabling abusive behaviour? Pls consider the man you are with wants you to be his mom figure and you may be taking time away from that role he wants you to play. Talking with counsellor or crises center is imperative to avoid either child being removed or you having nervous breakdown or hurting your son further from abusive bahaviour. And breathe!!!

Elaine - posted on 11/15/2012

Move on please... this will only end in heartache for your son and you. Your son needs you and you need to protect him from this m*****r. Your b/f will not change no matter how much counselling you both go through. I speak from personal experience. If you do not want to cause permanent damage to you and your sons relationship, or affect him in other developmental ways please move on I beg of you. I know it's scary but if you can't leave your son with him then that speaks volumes.



There are much better men out there, just give yourself a chance to find one. Best of luck to you both.

Meagan - posted on 10/21/2012

I would not tolerate that behavior towards my son. Tormenting and picking on a child is inexcusable

Starla - posted on 10/09/2012

GET RID OF HIM...Your son comes first.

Sherry - posted on 10/04/2012

Your boyfriend should not be disiciplining your child. He is a stranger to your family. He is an outsider. It is your job to be doing that. It is also your job to make sure that your child is growing up in a happy and healthy environment. And I don't believe that your boyfriend is providing either of those things for your child right now.



He is already showing that he is not willing to change. How much more should your child have to endure while you wait for this "change"?

Jennifer - posted on 10/04/2012

Get him to leave! Please for god's sake. I have seen this kind of behaviour before. Please get you and your son out of there. I had an Uncle that was the same, he married my aunty and then started being abusive. He was the reason my aunty drank herself to death. You get your son out of there, and then get that guy out of both your lives

Kerri - posted on 09/25/2012

Zoe, Having a daughter from an abusive relationship, I can definately see where you're coming from. But your son has already had one abuseive male role model and you are now exposing him to another. The long term damage can be sevear and your son will grow up resenting you for making him second fiddle.

It took almost a year int omy relationship with my now husband, to even let him meet my daughter, then they were only exposed to eachother a little at a time until I was confidant that my child would be in no way uncomfortable around him. Even then, there were times when it was difficult. There are a million men out there, but this YOUR son. He should be totally the only thing that matters to you. I know it's hard to meet people when you have kids, or at least to meet the right kind of people.... but i would strongly reccommend you and your son move on. It took my daughter years of counsiling to deal with the emotional abuse her father inflicted and he only saw her supervised by a social worker for the time short time he was with her.



I got counciling specifically from a domestic violence help group to help me understand the choices I was making. I think that might do you some good too. Good luck to you and your family.

Jesse - posted on 09/25/2012

Your son is more important than any bofriend will ever be. If your boyfriend truly loved you, then he would not make your son feel that way. Your poor son is probably miserable when he is around and that just is not fair at all. When I began dating my boyfriend, he was VERY strict on my daughter very early into our relationship because her dad was not in the picture. It bothered me so much that I finally say either it stops or he will not be apart of OUR lives. We sat down and got to the bottom of the issues and he now disciplines her when it is truly needed and they have a great relationship. She adores him now, but if he wouldn't have changed quickly I would have left, my daughter comes first and there are men who will love and respect both of you equally.

Hope - posted on 09/25/2012

Think about what this grown man is doing to your CHILD! If he wants to be treated with respect by you (the child's mother) then he's going to have to respect you enough to stop the abusive behavior. After reading what you have wrote, it seems to me you are choosing your boyfriend over your child.....I'm not trying to be disrespectful here but really.....if this is something that upsets you enough then put a stop to it! I know it's hard but what's even harder is teaching a man a lesson. If you allow this boyfriend to stay around he will continue no matter the therapy or whathave you.....it's time to give up this relationship for the sake of your son! Your boyfriend will come around when he's finally decided to grow up, if he doesn't then that's his loss not yours! Keep you and your son in higher regard than some messed up boy who doesn't know how to treat your son. An adult should never tease a child in that way.....that is so ridiculous and something you shouldn't put up with!

Valerie - posted on 09/24/2012

I lived like this for years with my ex husband with my two oldest children from a previous relationship. He recently was in another relationship and was mentally and physically abusive to her son as well. Get him OUT! This behavior does so much damage to a childs self esteem and damages your relationship with your son because he will always wonder why you kept this man in your lives for so long acting the way he does.

Bobbie - posted on 09/22/2012

Wow, just read that you were in a past abusive relationship. You my friend have not made a good choice with this one either. It is a pattern with those of us that have been abused and have grown up with it in our homes. All the warning signs are there. You state that "for some reason he just can't help himself" that is all you need to remember as you close this chapter in your life and move on.

Continue counseling for yourself. I had to learn all the things I kept seeking out in men that kept leading me to all the bad ones. Break the cycle of seeking out and dating abusers once and for all.

P.S. Don't allow him to control the situation by telling him that you are giving him a chance to change. YOU know he isn't, he can't control himself, he said so himself.

Bobbie - posted on 09/22/2012

Zoe, this is a very sad time in your son's life. Don't you see red flags that he his suffering emotionally? Has he started to eat less? Sleep disrupted? Showing signs of depression? Your bf isn't just teasing him. He is abusing him. Please do not waste time wondering why he treats your son as he does. I can tell you the pattern. In the beginning of the relationship with your bf he didn't say much to your son or really want to take an interest. Then as you gave him power to correct and discipline your son he became more aggressive with him. I bet your bf is immature in other areas of his behavior as well. To bully a child aggresively is a big red flag. Not only should you not tolerate the verbal and emotional abuse of your child but his actions speak volumes about his issues that he is trying to hide from you.

Constant /relentless teasing or your son is your bf's way of ensuring that your son WILL step out of line so he can further bully him. Anyone being constantly teased, ridiculed and barked out to follow orders would break. Sadly, this is not going to change. Counseling and therapy for the relationship between you and your bf doesn't change his character. He doesn't resent your son, he enjoys the emotional chaos he inflicts on him. Men who can treat children this way have very big issues. Though you say you love him I think it is time to step up and tell him that you are the soul care giver, disciplinarian and you will decide all punishments, for your son, and demand common courtesy from both of them. His actions as an adult are criminal and he should be called to task for his behavior just as quickly to stop it. Don't plead that he not tease your son, demand that he does! Demand that he step back and allow you to nurture your child. If you are afraid of loosing your bf then he has zoned in on you as the perfect partner. He can bully your son and get away with it so you will be next. Another warning red flag is if he is jealous, and believe me, tormenting the other male in your life is being overly jealous. I take it that you are living together. If you aren't yet then run while you still can! This man is a red flashing neon sign of warning behaviors that you are in for a world of hurt. Soon he will have you feeling as bad as he made your son feel.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/bu...

Cherelle - posted on 09/18/2012

if your bf isnt MAN enough to realise what he is doing is child abuse then he doesnt deserve to be around your child or your child will grow up thinking this is normal and this could lead to something serious i personally would never even dream of leaving them alone together for even a split second are you going to continue in this relationship if he ever hits your child thats the question you need to be asking yourself because by the sounds of things this will be his next step because HE isnt getting all the attention men like this dont change and im sure i wont be the only one to say so if anything they get worse its his CHOICE to be doing this think about your beautiful boy and i hope circle of moms gives you better advise than that of the not so professional therapist you both deserve sooo much better and it does happen ive now been with my partner for 2 years and my son calls him daddy and he is a proper daddys boy and we have a beautiful daughter together only settle for the best because no1 else deserves to be apart of the miracle that is involved with being a parent

Kristin - posted on 09/04/2012

I have found someone who is wonderful to my kids and I, but it was a long hard road. I was ashamed for many years of the abuse I went through and for my mother to take him back; in my mind as a young teen she chose him over her kids and it is only in the last 5 years that I started thinking of it differently. My mom stayed wiht him out of a sense of loyalty and she already had one failed marriage behind her and she didnt want to be alone. Unfortunately what my mother never really thought througfh was my feelings and my brothers feelings, nor did she consider that it may hinder her rerlationship with her grandkids. It took and still takes a lot for me to se my stepfather aroiund my children but he is never left alone with them and I have nicely informed him that if he laid a hand on my kids I would kill him. It is so hard to be strong and to stand up fo9r yourself as so many people want to abuse you or beat you down., But I came to a point where I said ebnough is enough I was a victim and I deserve to be happy and so do my kids. I honestly believe that my kids gave me the strength and courage to find a happy non abusive life. I took whatever measure I needed to take to ensure that my kids were safe and well taken care of which included entering into a typicaly male orientated field but I did it and came so far in my lkife on my own that my kids will never have the self esteem issues or fear that I had once. I have forgiven my mother and even my step father but I will never forget and the choice was not mine it was my mothers to keep him in our lives. I personally would not allow a man who hurt my kids like that back into my life but i cant judge, we all make out own decisions and choices. YOU are STRONG as well it took a lot of courage for you to stand up to your ex and for you to swtand up to the current bf. What I found was that I started doing things for me and making me happy, once I was happy my kids were happy abnd when I least expected it i met the wonderful man i am with now. I was like you no one was ever going to beat me down again and if that ,meant being alone forever than that is what I was willing to do. I went through a stage in my life where i didnt date for 5 years because I was working on me. I completed a college degree while working in the field 12 to 14 hour days and raising my kids and i bought my home, i also found that the gym is a great way for me to feel b etter abouit me and i use it as a stress relief but stay strong it will get better one day you will meet mr right

Zoe - posted on 09/04/2012

Kristin,

WOW, you have been through a lot and that is putting it lightly! Thanks for your encouragement and concern for my boy. I am glad you have found someone who is good to you and your children and that you have the courage to tell your story, so many hide the truth in shame and suffer for years in isolation and silence (like i did) You are strong woman and deserve to find some peace in your life. My ex kicked me so hard in the back that he broke the bottom of my spine and i am extremely lucky that i can still walk. I ended up in hospital and went back to him too but not because i liked it but because i was isolated and couldn't find my way out, no friends or family to support me. It was eventually social services that pulled me and child out of the family home and placed us in protective womans centre for beaten woman. After months of thinking about it i finally plucked up the courage to press charges for the broken back and i faced him in court on new years eve. So symbollically i left the court and the shit behind me and turned the page of my life with the new year.

It has taken me the last 2 years to get my life back on track again and to make new friends (breaking the isolation) and to give my son some normality, and the bf will not break me down or take away what i have worked so hard to get in the last few years. He will make some changes or he will hit the road.

Take care and i wish you and your family all the best. xxx

Jocelyn - posted on 09/04/2012

I know it's easier to make a decision when a man is refusing to change than when a man is going to couples counseling and promising a better future, but it is important for your child to feel safe with his mother and for him to know you will come to his defense. You hired a therapist to help your relationship so that is his perogative. His advice was not given with your son's best interest in mind (in fact, it comes at his expense) and each time you follow that advice you are prioritizing your relationship over your son's emotional well being. (Edit: I wrote this after reading your post and first comment about having to follow the therapist and now I just read your most recent comment negating that by saying you have disregarded the therapist's advice, are defending your son, and have cut off contact with the bf, so my post may be pointless. Oh well, you made the right choice for your son. Good luck!) Your boyfriend is not ready to parent; knowing you will back him up gives him power over this poor helpless child. A power that he can't handle and abuses for petty personal satisfaction. Stop letting him discipline your child; perhaps you should seek a therapist for you and your son and follow that advice. Now, you're asking if a man can change.. Yes, but it takes time. A man like that might have a good heart and personality worth loving, but he's not done growing up. The question is whether you're willing to let your son bear the brunt of his immaturity while he grows up into a decent man. I'm facing that question as well. As women, we can wait that long for our men, but as mothers we cannot.

Kristin - posted on 09/04/2012

Hello,

I am so glad you have cut contact between your son and your bf. I think that until the issues he has are resolved it is best for your son. Whether or not you continue to see him is your choice, however I feel you deserve better and be with someone who is there for you and your son 100percent.



To all in general.



Leaving an abusive situation is very difficult andf requires tremendous strength. I have left many abusive situations starting at a young age. My stepfather sexually abused my brother and I for 5 years until we told my mom and he went to jail for 4 years and my mom took him back. Legally i havd to stay in my family home unytil i was 16 or 18. I went through many years ofg anger, hurt, betrayel and finally to acceptance and forgiveness. The choice my mother made sdcarred me for life anad I vowed I would rather die aslone than to ever put my kids throught the hurt of choosing an abusive step parent over their own chikld. My kids dad was an abusive man so I left, however I tend to go the other way where commitment scares me and I eill leave for anything that I dont like. I have met plenty of woman in therapy who also have stayed with a man because they do indeed like it as it is all they have ever known and think that is all they deserve. As sick as it sounds I met one woman whopse hi8sband beat her so bad she woulnd up in the hospital but she went back to him when I asked her why she went back she shocked me by saying she thrived on being hit and will push him to hit her. Really sick twisted shit and it happens a lot nowadays, My current spouse has been very patient with me and I am getting over my fear of commitment and learning how to compromise. I can now see that no one deserves tyo be abused and that not everyone is out to hurt you and trust me it took me over 20 years to gain a self esteem and some confidence and IU am oinly 32

Morwenna - posted on 09/02/2012

Your bf is bullying your little child! Leave him now. I've tried dating and I know ts hard but there is no way he should be dissaplining your hold o the degree he is. It's different when the mom and dad need to back one another up but you are his mum and your bf is should be allowed to have a say but it should be you! There is o way I'd allow this to continue as your child old really end up resenting you

Carri - posted on 09/01/2012

just to let you know I was in a foster home as child at 7. My stepfather was abusive towards me and my mother. well. he was kind at times and then would hurt us. but the emotional scars that I carried went on into my adulthood. I went through several domestic violence relationships. I have had my nose broke, by my stepfather. I did not graduate college. although I do have a 2 year degree. my stepfather was kind to my mother at first. but then he became abusive as time went on. I know now that men that drink or do drugs are usually abusive. if they had abuse as a child they often repeat the behavior. This mental abuse that your bf. is doing to your child will carry on into physical abuse. Since I had abusive relationships. my 20 year old son did not graduate high school. my 18 year old daughter did not graduate high school. my 10 year old daughter had ptsd and struggles in school.

Tonia - posted on 09/01/2012

to me you sound like a loving and protective mother and i very much doubt that you would stand by and let anyone else treat your child the way you are allowing you bf to.think about it,how would you react if a family member,friend or a child at your childs school was bullying your child in this way?you would protect him right?of course you would.

I believe it is you who is damaged from your previous abusive relationship and you need time alone to recover from it and concentrate on your son.the effects of abuse have left you with a distorted view of what is acceptable from a partner.your boyfriends behaviour is not acceptable.I commend you for surviving abuse and getting away.

Tonia - posted on 09/01/2012

to me you sound like a loving and protective mother and i very much doubt that you would stand by and let anyone else treat your child the way you are allowing you bf to.think about it,how would you react if a family member,friend or a child at your childs school was bullying your child in this way?you would protect him right?of course you would.

I believe it is you who is damaged from your previous abusive relationship and you need time alone to recover from it and concentrate on your son.the effects of abuse have left you with a distorted view of what is acceptable from a partner.your boyfriends behaviour is not acceptable.I commend you for surviving abuse and getting away.

Melissa - posted on 09/01/2012

You did respond to me personally because I am a survivor of abuse. -- that makes it personal.

Just saying.................

Thanks for the blessing though, I do have a blessed life :-)

and am certain that yours is too.

Take care.

Nene J. - posted on 08/31/2012

Quite honestly you don't know how many abused women I know. It is MY personal opinion that if you don't like something, you change it. Otherwise you must enjoy it. I'm not saying they actually enjoy it but in my experience you like something, you stay. Being black & being abused are two COMPLETELY different situations. One that I don't even know why you brought it up. I also don't know why you responded to me personally because I wasn't even talking to you. Zoe asked for advice which she's said she has the answer to. It's my personal opinion & my own personal experience. I don't really care if you like it or accept or not. & that's me being nice about it. Once again Zoe, I wish you & your family the best. & even you, Melissa.

Zoe - posted on 08/31/2012

I have read all your comments and thanks for taking the time to write something. Some of you write from the goodness of the heart with well wishes and encouragement for someone (who is also a single mother like you are) who is asking for advice, and some have writen because they feel they are better than or look down on me (and other women like me, in my situation) from a single minded point of view which is not appreciated. I dont feel the need to justify myself about my previous abusive relationship or any reasons for staying to anyone, i know i am a good mum and it has nothing to do with enjoying the torture on any level. For any mother with children (especially young children) It takes a tremendous amount of courage to get out of an isolated abusive relationship and unless you have lived through the same thing nobody has the right to judge you for your actions, and if they do then their empty opinion is worth nothing to you or your children (that is msg to anyone reading this and going through abuse now and worried about what people think or say). For me it left scars (and a broken back) and i do not plan on repeating it under any circumstances for no man or woman.

To put the record straight my child ALWAYS comes first and i ALWAYS defend him despite what my therpist told me like any mother would, i'm a mama bear and i will fight to the death for my "baby" if i have to.

Unfortunately i too know what it is for a mother to choose her partners above her childeren, myself and my siblings know first hand what effects it can have emotionally and mentally on your children but that is not what is happening here. I have not and would never choose the bf above my child and they BOTH know it. I was asking advice not on what to do but on weather anyone knew if the guy would change (because it has not always been like this) we have been together for a year and a half and this weird change in attitude happened recently and i was wondering if it was possible to change back but actually i have already found my answers on that question, and the BF no longer has contact with my son.



Take care ladies X

Wendy - posted on 08/31/2012

I am tempted to agree with Stacy on this issue. I am a single mom and my son doesn't see his father at all or has any contact with him and I see myself as the only one in his corner as a parent and as a result I am the one who should be there to protect him. I don't think anyone; including a boyfriend should come ahead of him. Kids are very sensitive and I think it's just common sense to leave the child alone once you see tears and I really can't see why he would want to punish the child because he says he doesn't like him! If he really wanted to be a part of the family then he would make an effort to be nicer to your son and get the child to like him. It's a very bad start to a relationship and your son will always be a part of your life. I say, choose your son over your man and let him go. He is not worth it!

Melissa - posted on 08/31/2012

Zoe, I apologize for any judgment calls I may have made along this thread. I am sure you are a Good mother, and I also understand how proud you should be for leaving the past hell of a relationship you were in. I still personally feel like I would leave a relationship where if my daughter was that unhappy -- but everyone has to come to their own conclusions in life. Once again it's not my right or place to judge you. Xo

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

He wouldn't be around my child. Hell no. His ass would have been gone the first time he made my child cry. That's ridiculous!

Nene J. - posted on 08/30/2012

The way I did. It's not ignorant. It's realistic. Even a child knows touch a hot oven, it hurts, don't do it again but women (& men) stay because of "love". That's complete bs. That's the way I feel. Do not complain to me about being in pain but refuse to take the steps neccessary to remove yourself from the situation. I have been around many women who have been abused but after the second incident (& constant complaining) I have ABSOLUTELY NO sympathy for anyone who stays. It would have to be a different type of reason, like it's the 50s or your partner's a cop/politician. (I know it's harder to get away from those types of abuses because of the power they have in the community/world.) I am a person she asked for advice from when she posted an open forum. Besides I am a person who has the right to say exactly what I see. Who are you to tell me I'm wrong for speaking my mind? We can play the "Who has the right?" all day but it doesn't change the fact that I'm right. Ask any woman (or man) who escaped from an abusive relationship & stayed away. They'll all say they got tired of it & decided their life was more important. I never said it was easy to leave or to even make the choice to leave but anyone who leaves is a strong individual & refuses to put up with something they don't have to. I'm sorry you cater to the stereotype that it has to take a lot of "crap" to get help. As for uneducated, I've seen it firsthand. I understand there is pain for love yourself enough to know you do not have to take anything if you want something. I am sorry Zoe if I hurt your feelings. I am a bit harsh especially when it comes to abuse & children. I wish you & your son well.

Melissa - posted on 08/30/2012

Nene? How could you possibly be (excuse my language) ignorant enough to say "But a woman who stays must be a woman who likes it well enough not to leave." in reference a woman who stays in abusive relationships- I studied years in the counseling of abused women and children, and while Zoe shows strong displays of a woman who lacks self esteem and the integrity to defend herself - which very well is causing her son to suffer the abuse she so openly receives in that home, who are you to sit back and ASSUME you have the answer to why women stay in an abusive relationships? - because they like it?! I am shocked to hear a woman be so completely uneducated and you surely don't need a diploma or degree to understand that abuse takes it's tole on a woman spiritually, and mentally to the point where a woman has to question what is normal behavior and what is abusive behavior. It's not the Zoe enjoys her son's pain, she knows something is wrong here and has reached out because somewhere inside of her this seems like abuse & hurts - yet obviously at the same time she has grown so accustomed to being abused - mentally or otherwise, that she has lost the capacity to call it what it is.

Zoe I apologize to speak as though you are not present in this conversation when in fact you are.

I am a survivor of abuse and have worked with MANY women who also survived through it, NONE of them enjoyed it!!!

Zoe, I suggest you get out of this relationship he is abusive and its your son who is going to grow up to either be as abusive or Bully, or you will in fact screw your sons chance at a happy upbringing. -- I know this is a journey and no matter what I say, or anyone else says, you really have to come to your own strength and capacity to see it for what it is.

In truth it angers me so much to know you even have to question if you should have thrown this dirt bags ass out of the house ages ago, yet at the same time, I see that you have all the traits of a woman who has been inflicted so deeply by the true purpose of an emotional abuser - so I also understand what is happening here.

I am sorry to hear people actually believe that people in abusive relationships stay because somewhere in their life, they enjoy it, I know that isn't the case!

Nene J. - posted on 08/30/2012

I agree with Kirstin (I hope I spelled your name right). My family has a history of choosing men over their children (both sides) & I REFUSED that shit. I apologize for my language for a mom who says she puts her son first you sound like a woman who puts him last. My maternal grandmother is the only woman in my family who never put a man before her children. Your son should be your top priority! If I ever let my kids meet a boyfriend & they said they didn't like him, I'd give him his walking papers. Point blank. As long as my children are living with me; they come first. I understand you've been in an abusive relationship & I'm truly sorry for you. No one deserves that. But a woman who stays must be a woman who likes it well enough not to leave. Therefore if you don't stand up to that bully, you like for him to abuse your son. You are his mother. (Assuming you have sole custody) you are the only person on this planet who can tell him what to do. Who cares what that therapist says?! That is another flawed human being who doesn't have your son's best interests at heart. You have to be there for him or he will hate you & no offense but rightly so. Take care of YOURSELF & YOUR CHILD before you think about another relationship. & give that bastard the boot!

Alaina - posted on 08/30/2012

Well, from what I'm hearing, you don't have 1, but instead 2 boys in the house. So, do what any good mother does with their boys, and let them know they had better stop being immature and grow up "or else". Let him know that the "i can't help it" is the attitude and excuse of a 3 year old, and not acceptable. Next thing you know, he'll be saying "but baby, I forgot", or hmmm... "the devil made me do it"? I don't think so.



Give him the warning that it's 1 strike and you're out. If he loves you and your Son, he'll be on board with it. If not, follow through with that policy, and don't be a pushover about it. Get him out.

Joanna - posted on 08/29/2012

His behavior is bordering on abuse and you're allowing it. Stand up for yourself and your son and kick him out of your life and, more importantly, your son's life. Your son should come first, not the b/f.

Melissa - posted on 08/29/2012

Let me assure you that my daughter doesn't have men come and go into her life. I have been single for 2 years, she is 18 months, I have had sex a total of 2 times in this period and she wasn't around for either of them. The men in my life are positive male role models who she acknowledges as friends to our family. Do I leave her alone with these men? NO way!!

I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and am like you, extremely watchful and prefer to stay over protective and safe than sorry.



I have come across more men who adore her presence and think she is great - not men who resent her. Although I imagine that would be common considering her own father resented the attention she got from me. I understand men can be very immature emotionally.

Carri - posted on 08/29/2012

Melissa you possibly are right. but not too many men are really kind to our children. I have a lot of friends. but who I have around my kids I really watch. maybe too much.

Melissa - posted on 08/29/2012

I have met so many friends who adore my daughter - unfortunately I don't adore 'them' enough to try dating them seriously. So they remain only friends and she adores them when they do make visits and we sit and have dinner. I haven't come across many men who resent my daughter - though I don't see me putting up with that crap either - I love my daughter more than myself, I couldn't even fathom letting someone go ahead of her needs. I understand though she may give a hard time when she is older if I start dating someone - doesn't mean she gets her way either.

What I mean to say is, there is plenty of men that are good men and adore children - unless I am just the lucky one who has come across them? I don't know I could be wrong, it's just based on my personal experience though.

Carri - posted on 08/29/2012

That is why I am alone too many men have been cruel to my children I have three of them. I have not met too many kind men. most have resented my children. now I am older 48 I have a 19 year old son and my new friend who likes me is 36. he is chasing me but I told him he is too young and he resents my 19 year old living with me at home. telling me he needs to get a job. my 19 year old watches my 10 year old so I can work. I am trying to ditch this guy. he has made mean remarks about my kids. also I have a 17 year old daughter who was visiting and he was kinda mean to her. I am ditching him. he also has a 2 year old he never see and his grandma and grand pa are taking care of his baby. I am fine alone. too many of these men are too needy. I do not mind being alone.

Melissa - posted on 08/27/2012

I feel terrible for your son. If you don't start defending your son and putting him before your boyfriend, your son will grow up to resent you BIG TIME.



The worst feeling in the world for a child is thinking that their parent wants their partner more than them. This guy sounds like trouble and if it isn't this issue, it will be another - because this man lacks the sensitivity and maturity to make a real relationship work.



You asked for advice - ok, drop this guy and get rid of him, put your son first, remember that we as parents are supposed to protect our children in all areas - including within their home, instead, sounds to me like he is being bullied by an adult and you are defending it by NOT defending your son -- could you imagine how powerless and helpless your son must feel?

Marian - posted on 08/25/2012

I've been through a similar situation. The man is now my ex, and with good reason. I dated a man for 2.5 years before we moved in together. I wanted to make sure the relationship was solid, and that my child was old enough and comfortable enough to talk to me if there were issues. I never let my ex discipline my child, mostly because I felt that was my responsibility and no one else's, but also because I didn't feel my ex had enough understanding of my son to make meaningful exchanges when discipline needed to be dealt out. I noticed once we moved in together that my ex would put my son in scenarios where my son would have to choose sides, and then get mad when my son always chose me. After discussing it with my ex, he said he didn't realize he was doing it, and offered to change the behavior. The change came, but he changed to putting me in a position where I needed to choose between the two of them. And of course I always chose my son, which angered him. As our relationship deteriorated, we too sought therapy, but at that point the relationship was too damaged. It ended very badly, cops had to come safely remove me and my son from our home and a restraining order was involved.

My advice to you is to end your relationship with your current boyfriend. You need a partner that supports you in your parenting of your child. Someone who backs you in disciplining your child, and doesn't try to take over. You need someone who opens his arms wide to your son, building him up and helping him to be a happy, healthy young person.

A few guidelines I have when dating as a single Mom:

1. Date the person at least 3 months before they meet your child. This way you can focus on building the basis for your relationship. And you can get a good feel for the person and how they might react to your child.

2. Talk to your child at length about the person, before they meet. Give the child some background, so they don't seem like such a stranger when they meet.

3. First meetings should take place on neutral ground. Have a weekend lunch at your kids favorite dining out spot. Takes a lot of the pressure off, and then all parties can focus on conversation with each other. And, there are enough distractions so there aren't awkward silences.

4. Don't force kids or boyfriends on each other. If you kid is resistant in the beginning, it's totally natural. Remember, you are your kids, they aren't supposed to want to share you. Take it slow and let things evolve. All kids pick up when Mommy is happy, and the things that make Mommy happy. They will figure out that another person is making you happy and get with the program.

5. Find a partner with qualities that you want mirrored for your kids. Anyone you involve your kids with instantly becomes a role model. Make sure it's the right role model for your kid.

6. Don't think your kid needs someone else in their life to be happy. More people to love your kid is always a bonus, but if it isn't the right total fit, it isn't the right fit. Having Mommy healthy and happy will make your kid healthy and happy.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry that you are in a tough spot, but it will get better. You just have to make it so.

Janise - posted on 08/23/2012

Who says you have to stand by him and take his side? This is your son. The only person he is going to resent is you. Your his mother, and it's your job as his parent to make the best decisions for him. Your boyfriend obviously isn't ready for the responsibility of a child, and him making my child cry all the time would be an automatic deal breaker. What if he wasn't your boyfriend? What if it was your child's father's significant other doing this? Don't let your feelings for this guy blind you to what is best for your child.

Jane - posted on 08/22/2012

Just realised you said that your therapist suggested you back up your BF - I'd kick the therapist to the kerb as well in that case as I've never heard such a load of old tosh!

Jane - posted on 08/22/2012

To be honest, I couldn't believe what I read there!! Why on earth do you allow your boyfriend to discipline your child or tease him all the time?? You said "I dont always agree the punishment was deserved but i have to stand by him and back him up or my son will resent it even more." Why? I would be standing in front of my child and telling the bully (as that is exactly what your BF is being) that he is out of line and either shut up or get out!



Sorry if this is harsh, but as much as you say you love your boyfriend, you must surely love your child more and put him first at all times. I once had a boyfriend who did not agree with the way I brought up my son (things like allowing him to have a nightlight because he was scared of the dark - my ex-bf said I was spoiling him, etc.) and one day he was trying to play 'wrestle' with my son, who has never liked rough play like that (we now know he has Aspergers, but didn't then) and when my son screamed my bf threatened to spank him. I rounded on my bf and told him if he ever laid a hand on my son I would take a knife to him! A bit dramatic I know and I don't think I ever would have, but I was so angry that he would firstly threaten a child and secondly think he had the right to discipline MY son that I just turned into a tigress protecting her cub! I left him because as much as I loved him, I could not put my child through that.



So I know what it's like to give up a man who in all other ways is a loving wonderful BF who you love but it took no more than a nano second to make the decision to put my son's happiness first.



I note you say you are going counselling. Perhaps you should keep your relationship away from your son until such time as your BF starts learning to adjust his behaviour towards your son and then introduce them again slowly. If he doesn't, then please dump the BF and find someone who suits both you and your son or else your son will have a very unhappy childhood with this bully around (and yes, I'm sorry, but your BF is nothing but a bully in doing what he is doing to your son)

Kristin - posted on 08/22/2012

I didnt mean to sound harsh but men anger me sometimes lol. If they date a woman with kids than they need to be responsible and willing to be a parent figure and if they dont want to do that than they should not date a woman with a child. To be honest with you I think you and your son deserve a way better man one who wants to be a father figure and be a supportive and loving spouse. No relationship is easy they all have their ups and downs and it is so much harder when there are children involved but all people need to be treated with respect. To have a successful relationship all parties need to have good communication, compromise and be willing to make it work, and from I can see your bf isnt willing to make the required effort to have a successful relationship with you and your son. But I guarantee that one day soon you will meet a great man and spend the rest of your life with him, who will love you and you son and who your son will adore.

Zoe - posted on 08/22/2012

Im sorry to hear you have been through something similar, i wouldn't wish it on anyone! Glad though to hear you have found someone who makes you and your family happy.



Your totally right though! He openly admits that he is not ready for kids and is happy with his own maturity level as it is, he is abolutly the one that needs to change. Im not making excuses for him at all, i hate how he does to my son i was just looking for some advice from people that have had experience is similar situations. We dont live together and me and my son are most of the time just the two of us so he is not subjected to him all the time. I was alone for almost 2 years before we got together so im not exactly relationship hopping. Guess i just needed confirmation that no matter what you do or say you can't change someone else, no amount of therapy will change our situation if he doesn't feel he needs to change anything.

Kristin - posted on 08/22/2012

and honestly the child is 5 so there should not be that much emotional baggage from your ex if you left him when wour child was still a baby. Like i said i stayed single for 5 years after my ex and I split I needed to find me and what i wanted.

Kristin - posted on 08/22/2012

I went through hell and back with my ex as well and my current spouse totally treats my kids like his own and doesnt be little them or punish them for no reason, nor does he set my kids up for failure, We support our kids and treat them all equally. You can make all the excuses in the world to justify your boyfriends behavior but they wont work on me, My mother picked an abusive man over her kids and let me tell you the scars last a lifetime. Maybe you should just take some time for you and your son and not jump from relationship to relationship as in the long run the in and out "daddy" figures will do more harm than good. I stayed single for 5 years after my ex and i split and no man was ever introduced to my kids until I knew it was going to be permanent. And honestly to me it sounds like your bf needs to grow the hell up and that he doesnt want to be responsible for a child.

Zoe - posted on 08/22/2012

There's a lot of background behind this story, my son's father was abusive that's why i left him my son is still carrying emotional bagage from the abuse he witnessed and i for sure don't want to go down that same path again. I gave the current bf permission to punish with guidlines that we have to be on the same page and only under the pretense that there is a warning system before a timeout is dealt out. However in therapy he brought to the table that he has nothing to say to my son and feels like an outsider, (the guilt trip i know) and the therapist adviced me to let him take over sometimes and stand by his decisions (even if i dont always agree,) so that my son can learn to accept him in a parenting role (and to tell him later why i don't agree). However i am at the end of my patience, and i find it extremely draining to keep them apart and to listen to the struggling when they are toegether.



Kristin, thank you for your comment but No i am not ashamed of myself, i have been to hell and back with my last relationship and my son is my life and of course he will always come first. I do stand up for my son and fight his corner for him that's why i ask the bf to stop when i see what he is doing and why i am in therapy with my bf trying to find the cause and solution for it. I am a good mother and i and everyone who knows me and my son would never doubt that.



I've heard a lot of stories that these things take time and eventually even out if the guy is entering the child's life at a young age, but i've also heard stories from the other side that the guy needs to actually want the child. I know he loves my son because he is also extremely good to him too and does a lot for him. I guess deep down i already know that it's not going to work long term if this keeps up. Thanks all for your feedback, it helps.

Kristin - posted on 08/22/2012

I would leave the bf nobody has the right to treat a child that way and as a mother you should be defending your child, you should be ashamed of yourself. There is no way in hell i would let anyone treat my child or anyones child in that matter. That will create self esteem issues and self worth issues with your son and if a man cant accept your child for who he is and be supportive than I am sorry hes not the right man.

Denikka - posted on 08/22/2012

TOTALLY agree with Stacey. Kick the bf to the curb. He is an adult and he's acting like a spoiled brat. You say that he's punishing your son for situations that HE sets up. That's like stuffing your kid full of cake and candy and then punishing him 5 minutes later because he's too full to eat his dinner. It's not fair to your son and, like Stacey says, if you don't protect him, he'll end up resenting YOU.
Why on earth is your bf punishing him anyways? That should be your prerogative, not his. No one should be deciding to punish your child unless you give them explicit permission. If you don't agree with the reasons for punishment, then step in and stop it. Take your son and leave the house if need be.
This could be the start of abuse. If nothing else, it's already harmful to your child. You're bf keeps setting him up for failure. You need to protect your child from this dickwad. Get out now while you still can.