my daughter dad is trying to take me to court to get custody.

Shannon - posted on 03/31/2010 ( 44 moms have responded )

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So me and my daughters dad just recently broke up and im happy that it happened , but im a stay home mom and he was the one who would go to work and bring the money the home.and now we have been fighting, on who's gonna get hurt and who she would be better with . And i think she should stay with her mother i have been with her 24/7 everywere and anywere i go shes with me . And hes sopose to move to his mom's and hes just gonna go to work and leave the baby with her everyday and i dont think that s rite ya .And he wants to say well im the one who has a job and you cant support her and they wont let you keep her if you cant, and im taking everything all her toys crib everything , and im freaking out , i HAVENT ate in days, im barely sleeping i have been crying so much because im so scared my daughter is gonna get taken away from me. Hes saying since i dont have the money to get a lawyer and he does. He's getting one of the best lawyers in il and any public defender wont be able to beat him , and is he rite i just dont no what to do in this situtation im scared , Can somebody please help me and tell me what i need to do , Or is he rite.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Has it occurred to anyone that he has as much right to be a full time father as she is a full time mother?

Now Shannon, it's extremely unlikely that he'd be given full custody but there's no reason he shouldnt have joint. But you have to contact the family courts and try to get an attorney. Now that he's gone you have to consider getting a full time job so you can support your child and yourself. It sounds like he has childcare readily available. Do you? You need to look into that now. You simply will not have the luxury of being with her 24-7 anymore.

Christina - posted on 04/13/2010

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Regardless if he has a job, YOU can get SOLE CUSTODY if you fight for it. He has to prove you NEGLECTFUL in order to have her in HIS care! If you do nothing wrong, that might involve CAS, H CANT DO A DANG THING! DONT STRESS BABY GIRL! SHES YOURS! HE CANT TAKE HER FROM YOU! :) money situation is IRRELAVENT IN COURTS EYES

[deleted account]

Both of you have the right to be the main carer for your daughter, but stay strong. Hopefully this will work out for the best of you.



To get full custody (like it's been said before) he will have to prove that you are unfit to be a parent (alcohol/illegal drug dependency etc.) and vice versa. If possible get the paperwork started - child support, visitation agreement, who'll be the main carer etc..



As you've put it - you're planning (and currently are) a full time parent. While he's going to be moving in with his Mum (that's what's planned at the moment), while he works full time, Grandma is going to be looking after grandchild. When he's not at work, will he be prepared to do the boring jobs like change nappies, feed her etc.. Is Grandma prepared to look after grandchild while he is at work?



Make sure that you've got the paperwork relating to her (birth certificate etc) so that you're in charge of it. Also look at doing some courses and seeing what the options are for you returning back to work. Have some sort of plan in place so that if it goes to court, you can say what you plan to do with yourself when she starts school.



Any sensible judge will do what's best for your daughter and take into account what's happened to date and any future plans that you both have and what provision you've put into place/looking at doing.

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2010

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Hello Shannon,how is things working out? Hope your looking after yourself & your little girl & that your not stressing to much.Did you find out some information on what you can do through Legal Advise?Would like to know if your ok.
Michelle from Down Under :)

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Emma - posted on 03/05/2013

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He doing it out spite look last thing u need is to fall apart . Maybe that's his plan make you look like u can't cope mother has more right in uk . Hold your head up go and seek advice so you know what could happen . Men are selfish pigs

Dezere Van - posted on 03/04/2013

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The farther of my kids and me are separate for 2 years now. He recently send me a message that he wil not pay child support cause he is now going to coart for custody. he only comtibutes 15% and i contribute 85%. What chance does he have to take the kids away?

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James - posted on 11/19/2012

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It’s unbelievable how fortunate I feel after finding your website. For

the past 6 months, I have been so depressed after losing my fiance to

another woman. My money situation worsened so much that I thought I’d

have to file for bankruptcy. I had a huge amount of debt and I didn’t

know what to do. Out of complete and total desperation, I contacted

many of those so-called individuals who promised powerful magic,

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wonderful, affectionate and warm as Dr.odubu has been. He is definitely

different from the others and I felt immediate hope and strength from

hearing about the promises he had to offer. He carries an air of

purity and divine strength that is as pure as fresh snow on the

ground. I requested Dr.odubu most powerful spells and I was relieved

right away that I had someone to solve my problems for me. His spells

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George - posted on 10/20/2012

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What a bunch of man hating feminist bitches on here. I've never seen so much trolling in my life.

JENNIFER - posted on 09/11/2012

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I'm going through the same thing.Glad we split up,he has the job,scared and not sleeping,but you know it's all the same.bottom line,the people we use to know them as,lover,friend,supporter,forever,ect. they are never the same once you break up with them.I really think that all the moms that are going through this at some point in there lives:for 1:it's a test to see how much of this worlds hurt we can go through.and 2:"we" should all write the mens names on the internet to expose them for what they really are,asswholes who don't like what they can't handle so they try to put thing back in there "court".THE FATHER'S WHO ARE TRYING TO GET MY KIDS ARE: ERNIE RAY LAMPSON AND LEVI JEROME WACOCHE.Also by-the-way thats what they have leagal aid for,to help people like us out.get a expartay on him and say hes threating you and your kid(s) and that will be good for 3 years by then you could have already moved out of the country for all they know.don't use your names for nothing pay some one cash dont have a checking account get jobs under the table.my best answer for you.OR YOU CAN GO TO COURT WHEN THEY SUPPENA U AND TRY YOUR BEST TO TALK TO THE JUDGE.WHICH THEY DON'T LET YOU TALK TO THE JUDGE,THAT'Z WHY LAWYERS ARE AROUND BECAUSE NO ONE GETS TO TALK TO THE JUDGES.

Andrea - posted on 04/12/2010

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courts in the western world do not remove a child from the mother unless there is a bloody good reason, and babe, being a stay at home mum is not a good enough reason.get yourself some legal advice, you should be able to get some for free. think of your child and just do what's best for her. its not best for her to be taken away from a loving mother by an idiot man, only to wind up being minded all day by a dried up stick of a woman who probably wouldn't be able to keep up with a boisterous child especially when there is the mother who is happy to be with her own child all day. keep strong and all the best.

Jutta - posted on 04/10/2010

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Ruth knows, read her message. But right now you are playing rigt to your exs hands. Start living everyday life with your daughter. You need to get rutins to your day and start eating and sleeping. This time will past, but you will lose your child it you wont take care of your self. How can you be good mother when your tired and hungry? Please try to put ex and all his agglyness behind (its not easy, but you need to do that) and live every day whitout thinking what could happen. You need to consentrade living your life as good as you are able. What will happen in the future, is guessing, but dont make a mess waiting for it.
If your ex is just huffing ans puffing like mine, he wont make his life harder with lawyers and all the hard work that comes with it and just keeps you on your toas with nasty things to say. Its you job to ignore and just say "yes yes" when hes yelling and screaming.
I hope you the very best, you will get throug this. Remember to take care of your self.
Jutta

Michaela - posted on 04/09/2010

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Automatically joint custody unless your abusive and or unfit in one way or another. Sounds like hes trying to scare you and it worked. Your daughter is what gets to you and he knows it! Take him to child support and you will be able to take care of your baby, by yourself . Untill that kicks in, Do you have family you can stay ith that can help you out? FYI... Its almost impossible to get a child from the biological mom unless there are serious allegations that have been proven... you have a long road ahead of you so, I wish you the best of luck... Just be strong and keep your head up

Arrynne - posted on 04/09/2010

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A judge will not give him sole custody unless he can prove without a reasonable doubt that you are an unfit parent. Most custody he will get is joint legal and physical, for you to get sole custody with him wanting to be an active parent you would have to prove without a reasonable doubt that he is an unfit parent or that it would be determential for the child to be seperated from you. Such as proving that you have been the only care provider for the child, that he spends next to no time with the child. etc.

Michelle - posted on 04/09/2010

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Dear Shannon,
My name is Michelle i live in Caboolture,Qld Australia.I know you are going through a very stressful period at the time being,but sweetie you need to be strong for you & your little girl.I don't know what country your in but surely they have people you can talk to about legal advise for free.I just had a look on the net & found a site Supior Court of California County of Los Angeles,the page comes up with Family Law Self Help.I don't know if that will help but maybe it will put you on a path to what you need.My Ex has been trying to take my son away from me since he was 6 months old,but the courts don't take children away from the parent that has been the primary carer.The Father does have a right to see his child,but he doesn't have the right to use scare tactics & bullying.So my advise is to get proper legal advise & don't be scared to ask Shannon because there is a lot of help out there if you need it.Please look after yourself & try to be strong & positive.xo

Valerie - posted on 04/09/2010

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Depending on what state you live in, he could get custody. California is VERY 'for the father' and does a lot to help dads get their children. Out of curiosity though, how will you support her if she stays with you? I STRONGLY suggest that you go back to school, work on your education, and let the course run. Maybe her going with him won't be a bad thing, and you'll be able to get yourself together, and then have her come back to you, or 50/50 custody, something like that? Good luck with everything :)

Sarah - posted on 04/07/2010

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hi how r u? i have two little girls an i been throught the whole custody thing myself, im not sure where u are from,but im in geelong australia, an they do not give full cudtody to any parent unless they have proof that the other parent has put the child in dangour or worse. it is all half half, it doesnt matter wat lawyer u have because if ur going to court it will b decided by the judge the outcome so any lawyer will be fine.

Bexie - posted on 04/07/2010

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My ex gained custody of our little girl when she was 2 months old because I had severe post-partum depression. Looking back I can see all the ways he tried to scare me and make me believe that my parenting our little girl would hurt her. I found out to late a few facts, when a child is used to being with someone a judge is hardpressed to switch primary residence, so a public defender can present your case easily. I also found out that posession is nine tenths of the law. Don't let him get the jump on you, try to stay on top. So as these other wise women have said don't let him see her alone until you have this sorted out because he has as many rights to her as you at this time. If he does take you to court be yourself, respectfully tell the judge your case, no matter what your ex says stay calm. I wish you the best, enjoy every minute that you have your little girl and take everything one day at a time. Don't let him win by taking any of your joy. If you need a friend, I'm willing to help in anyway that I can.

Trena - posted on 04/07/2010

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Its very rare for the court to take a child from the mother, so please dont worry about that. He is just trying to intimidate you. Dont let him. Stay strong girl! Your a great mom!!

Amy - posted on 04/06/2010

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Calm down!!!! I would not worry if I were you. You are a stay at home mom who is with her 24/7. He CANNOT take her away unless you are an alcoholic or drug addict or have any other reason for the court to think it is in the best interest of the child to be with the dad. Of course he will have visitation rights....that is a given, but you know that the mother always gets primary custody over the baby (especially if dad works full time). You should file for child support and make it official that you are the CUSTODIAL PARENT and he is the NONCUSTODIAL PARENT. They will ask the amount of hours each parent spends with the baby and keep everything on official record. That is what I did....so now it is on record that my daughter is with me ALL THE TIME and I am her custodial parent and primary care taker. My friend is also a single mom and her ex got a really good lawyer....but even the best arguer in the world cannot take a mother away from her child. It is a bond that everyone knows is so strong and should not be broken. It is in the best interest of the child to stay with mom...and that is a given. Also, do you breastfeed? If so, do it for as long as your daughter will take it!! That way it is clear how dependent she is on YOU and ONLY YOU!

Pauline - posted on 04/06/2010

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He cannot take the child from you simply because you don't have a job, go to the maintenance court and go for child support. Don't be fooled by all he has to say to you, he is just trying to scare you, apart from not working you have raised your child and was with your child while he was in work and you are the mother and the child belongs with the mother. Will keep you in my prayers.

Amanda - posted on 04/05/2010

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Tara.
If the father isn't a bad dad then the judge also looks at that. If he is going to show up and try to get her he will also look at that. You have to understand that no judge will give mom custody is the dad does want to be in her life! Why is it that when good fathers want to be there the mom doesn't let them! Put yourself in his shoes. He wants to help raise her GREAT! Don't take her away from him. My god some people need to see what they are doing. Why not let him be there? Tara what if your ex wanted to be there for them. Would you say no? That is just being mean to your children if you cut him out of the picture. You do that then you are no BETTER THEN HIM!

Mercia - posted on 04/05/2010

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i need advice as well,i'm 27 and my boy's dad is now 21.i have a daughter that is turning 10 and my boy turned two in feb they have different fathers was not married to either. they were both removed with a art 4 and my girl was in my parents care but my boy was with his fathers mother in care for nine months. now this granma is obsessed with my boy. i had them back in my care for four months, when one week end that he visited his father in CT,i am in Mossel Bay, the welfare in CT contacted my welfare here letting them know i musnt come fetch him. they said i must talk to my lawyer and i did two weeks ago and still havent heard much. I did not receive any court order or anything else just a fax to my lawyer with a list of lies they told the welfare there. the welfare said my boy is emotionally more attached to his granmother. please inbox me if anyone can give me advice. thank you.

Kathy - posted on 04/05/2010

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First of all calm down. You won't do anyone any good if you are upset. I have been in your shoes for the last three years and so far I have won. File for child support first.You can do this by applying for it at the local child support office or another route that will ensure that you get it would be to apply for state assistance and they will go after him. If you do this they wil give you cash for rent (minimal)food stamps for food and medical coverage for the baby and possibly yourself. (this is the best route) They also have energency funds available or a one time grant if you are working to help you get into an apartment. Gather anyone who can verify that you have been with your daughter 24/7 so they can write a declaration if need be. There is free legal services to low/no income people in your area. Do you have a YWCA? They usually have a free legal advocate that can direct you in the right direction, among other services that can help you get what you need for the baby. I moved two states away when we broke up, however I wasnt married to him so I actually had full custody by default. Keep your chin up and ask for community resources as much as possible. There is help out there!

Danyelle - posted on 04/04/2010

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Recognize the difference between a threat and what he is really saying/doing. No court is going to take a child away from their mother b/c you stay at home. It sounds like he is trying to bully you into doing what he wants. Be strong! If he takes away all of her things, things that are familiar to her, what does that say for how he will take care of her emotionally. He is taking all away that she knows and is familiar with. That will unsettler her. If her is the 'bread winner', then he is able to purchase these items for his home. Follow me...Don't let him bully you into a corner..

Tara - posted on 04/04/2010

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no he is not right, u may not be a working mom but u r providing for her, a home, clothing, food and most of all luv. The judge will look at the fact that he doesn't have his own place, that the child will not be in his care the majority of the time and fortunately for good mothers the courts still prefer to keep the children with the mother if poss. Just keep takin care of her and doing what is best for both of u and u will be fine...don't worry so much bout the "best lawyer in IL", a good judge sees the parents for who they r and he will see u.

Amanda - posted on 04/03/2010

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Ok so I went through the same thing although we weren't married just engaged. When he found out I was taking him to court he told me I would never see my son again. I remember calling my mom in tears and then calling my lawyer to see if he could push up the court date cause I was mad. You may have to settle for joint custody cause it doesn't seem like either of you are bad parents. If he wants to be in her life then GREAT for him. Some dads just take off. Maybe you could work something out that he takes her only when he has days off. Then you could still be with her but also find a part time job yourself. Letting both of you share will feel like it is ripping you apart but it will be good for her to have both parents. I wish my son's dad was still in his life. The worry does not go away! trust me until I went to court and the judge made a decision I was in a terrible state. I wanted to cry in the court room but I just held his picture and sang is fav song in my head. Just call a lawyer and talk. You may be able to settle this outside of a court room if you just agree to share. He wont be able to look after her if he is working but on his days off would it be so bad for them to bond and spend time together? Think about her. If your parents weren't together would you want your mom to stop you from seeing your dad or vice versa? Just don't "Bash" him in court. The last thing you want is the judge looking at you and thinking "She really doesn't care how she makes him look." You can't make him the bad guy it wont work that way. Don't go around asking what he did and report it. They don't want to see you sneaking around to find out the bad stuff the facts are what they care about the paper and proof. If he loves her let him in her life! But Good luck. Just hang in there!

Brittany - posted on 04/03/2010

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I am going through the same thing and sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart. Just keep in mind that you love your child and you do everything you can for her. My ex boyfriend threatened me in front of my son. I am in the process of getting a permanent PFA. The money doesn't mean anything. No matter how good the lawyer is the judge will realize that since your kid has been with you they should stay with you. And no matter what happens keep your head held high knowing that in the end you fought as hard as you could and you have her best interests at heart, not him. It will all be ok.

JESSICA - posted on 04/03/2010

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I HAD THE MONEY FOR AN ATTORNEY, WELL MY DAD DID. IF I WERE YOU I WOULD FILE FOR CUSTODY BEFORE HIM I DONT KNOW HOW IT IS IN YOUR STATE BUT HERE IN WA YOU CAN GO TO THE COURT HOUSE AND TALK TO THE COUNTY CLERK ABOUT SEEING THE COURT LITTIGATOR(I THINK THAT IS WHAT IT IS CALLED, FOR THE FAMILY LAW DIVISION THEY WILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU AND HELP YOU FILL OUT PAPERWORK AND TELL YOU HOW TO SERVE IT AND WHERE ELSE YOU HAVE TO FILE IT I HIGHLY RECCOMEND THIS IF YOU CANT AFFORD AND ATTORNEY BECAUSE IT IS REALLY CONFUSING AND IF YOU DONT DO EVERYTHING JUST SO THEN THE JUDGE WONT EVEN SEE YOU. ALSO NOW THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!! I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS YOU NEED DATES, TIMES, PLACES, AND MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL DETAIL DETAILS. EVEN IF IT IS AS STUPID AS HE SAID A SWEAR WORD IN FRONT OF HERWRITE IT DOWN!! MY KIDS DAD WHEN HE TRIED TO GET CUSTODY HAD A 4 PAGE DEPOSITION WITH NO SUBSTANCE AT ALL MINE WAS 52 PAGES AND THAT WAS AFTER MY LAWYER CUT IT DOWN QUITE A BIT. HE HAD NO CHANCE GOOD LUCK HOPE IT HELPED

Sandra - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi there, just keep your eyes wide open and always be one ahead,im going through that my self...any thing that he does that's not right report it because his doing that himself.just a little advise!!Good luck!!

Deeney - posted on 04/02/2010

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No he's not. It's obvious that he is only trying to be spiteful to you as a result of the break up. If he was tryuly woried about the baby he wouldnt be trying to remove u from her life. At a time like this you need to pull in reinforcements from your immediate support system (friends, mom, sisters, brothers, and other close family you trust) to help u thru. Dont let him get the best of you. Wipe up the tears and keep taking care of your baby. He's already winning if your falling apart the way you say you are. If he wants a fight then give him one. Continue to take care of the baby and work on getting yourself set up so you can show that you are a good provider as well. Best of luck to you.

Michelle - posted on 04/02/2010

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Most judges are sympathetic to the tender years argument, and you are the one who's been with her during those so it will be easier there.

Talk to the public aid lawyers right away so you know what rights you do have to prevent him from taking stuff from the home. Most likely he's trying to scare you so let him know you will fight for her & won't be intimidated.

CORINNE - posted on 04/02/2010

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I am sorry to hear that your having a hard time. To my knowledge he cant just take her i was a stay at home mom too and he worked and I feared the same as you. courts just don't take children away from their mothers unless they declare you an unfit mother. now they may split custody between the two of you, but he cant just take her. Also because you do stay home and he is employed he is going to have to pay you child support witch i'm sure is gonna piss him off but o well. i hope everything works out for you girls. keep your head up

Semantha - posted on 04/01/2010

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Stop talking to him! He is just trying to scare you. Don't believe anything he says unless you see the lawyer on paperwork, etc. Mine lied and said he might have cancer just to get me to let him see the kids and drop the RO! Get your paperwork together, make sure you have her birth certificate, and go down to a local Legal Aid office. In FL we have an agency called Family Central that will with stuff like help pay most of the childcare for a time to get you started if you decide to work, or many other services. You can call 211 in some states to get phone #s to places to assist you. If you cant find them then drop by a police station and they should be able to point you in the right direction! Some lawyers will give you a free 30 or 60 min consultation-write down questions and ask them! Also, keep a big 3 ring binder for all your documents and 3hole punch them to keep them together. Start back to front so you have the most recent up front. Get a copy of credit cards, tax returns, every financial paper you can get your hands on. FL you get half the debt and half the assets, so you have to account for it all. And mostly moms get the main custody, so don't worry about that. You can ask your local bank for copies of past statements if he closed the accounts. DONT LET HIM BULLY YOU!!! You have to get thru this hard time to get to your goal of freedom. Good luck!

Victoria - posted on 04/01/2010

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i´m fighting against my ex for the same thing , he´s creep. left me when my son was a month old, and even left me when i was 4 months pregnant before..
I´m strong , and fighting back really hard. It´s really good to see that´s a lot of support out there. Don´t be afraid ! Motherhood make us stronger , u´ll see.. xoxoxox

Ebony - posted on 03/31/2010

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NEVER EVER listen to him he just wants to break u down so u will just leave. i went through this w/ my sons father and i won. go get legal aid and look at getting into school or a jobsomething to show that u r trying to move on and support the 2 of u. one thing to remember that if nothen is in paper he can keep her and dont have to give her back. atleast thats the way it is in iowa. dont give up and keep looken towards the future. things will get better. i have been a single mom 4 a long time now and i wouldn't change it 4 the world. NEVER let a man beat u down or make u feel like u cant take care of ur child. When push comes to shove u can u will and beleive me it will b done. just start looking at doing things for ur self to better ur self. dont let him get to keep on pushing. The courts dont look at who has the most money its the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. and if shes been w/ u all this time then dont woory. smile things will work out if u ever want to know more info hallo at me on facebook

Deanna - posted on 03/31/2010

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I agree with Ruth and Janice. He is trying to scare you. File all the necessary paperwork first, ask the court officers to help you out if you are unsure. I also know from experience that just because a mother does not work does not mean she cannot have custody. My ex's son's mother has not worked in over 2 years and she still retains custody and he pays child support for his son. Stay on top of things and do not let him bully you. I know its hard. We all know it, but be strong and fight for your child.

Ruth - posted on 03/31/2010

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Don't be afraid he's just using scare tactics. I agree with Janice he's just saying these thing to you because he don't want to pay child support. My ex tried to scare me too. Needless to say I went into fight mode. I called up some friends that worked for DCF and the police and found out what my right are.First of all he CAN NOT take your daughter away from you unless he can prove that you're an unfit mother,and not working doesn't make you unfit. One thing I did learn from my friends is never let him get the upper hand on you. Start all your paper work ( child support etc.) before he can try to do anything. Hang in there don't let him use fair to control you. Fight for your daughter be strong. I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers. Good luck



PS: SHANNON

Just to let you know something else I learned do not let your daughter be alone with him until you have everything on paper. Right now until you guys go to court you both have shared custody of your daughter. Say your daughter were to go for a visit and you and him get into an argument and the police was call who ever has the child in there possession will be able to keep the child until you go to court. Keep your daughter close where ever you go make sure your daughter is with you. I'll let you know if I learn anything else. Again good luck

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BABY I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OF THREE KIDS. I SUPPORT MY CHILDREN FROM THE CHILD SUPPORT I RECIEVE FROM THE DADS. A JUDGE IS NOT TRYING TO SEPERATE A MOTHER FROM HER CHILD. GET CHILD SUPPORT STARTED AND MOVE ON. TRUST AND PRAY THAT GOD WILL HELP YOU IN THESE TROUBLES YOU ARE HAVING AND IT WILL WORK OUT I BELIEVE THIS WILL ALL MY HEART AND WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU. KEEP THE FAITH AND BE A STRONG MOTHER.

Alisha - posted on 03/31/2010

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No one is going to take her away from you! your her mother and courts favor the mother anyway! Ive already went through this with my sons father and i was the same way scared, couldnt sleep or eat but in the end it worked in my favor i got everything and he got nothing. In most cases its joint custody unless you fear your childs saftey like i did. hang in there and just know your baby girl will always be with you he cant take her away..an maybe someone should tell him that having money doesnt mean youll be a good parent! Best of luck

JANICE - posted on 03/31/2010

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I doubt that put it to the Lord and pray about it. He is just doing this because he dont want to pay child support especially since you are not working. A public defender will be good enough too, put your trust in God. It hurts now but pull yourself together remember that little is depending on you. My mother always say that my boys are mine for sure because I gave birth to them, so she is your daughter you carried her for nine months and endure all the pain okay. Dont let him intemidate you. Pray it works.

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