My daughter's father and I are not together and my daughter goes and visits him every other weekend, but everytime she goes she cries to me on the phone that she wants to come home, but these visits are court ordered so I cant make the decision to let her come home and he wont let her come home and yells at her to stop. How do I handle that? What do I tell her so she isnt mad at me? Any suggestions on how to handle dealing with him?

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Valerie - posted on 02/19/2009

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I do document everything that goes on with my daughter because this is so important to me. Most of wha is in there are pictures of her poor little body all bitten up by bugs because he dads animals have flees and he also takes her to a farm where he has friends and those animals are not well cared for and have alot of bugs around them. She comes home every time with bites and it take me the whole time that she is home to clear them up and treat them only for her to go back and get new ones. I have taken her to the doctor and they have documented it many times and they say the next step is the er so that they can see them as well and have more proof for court, but we are really trying to stay out of court. Her father and I also took couseling so that we no longer fight instead we just talk it out when she isnt present but it is like in one ear and out the other!

Valerie - posted on 02/19/2009

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First thank you all for your help!

Second my daughter is two and we live in Beaver County in Pa. We just got a new male judge that handles custody cases and he is a frim believer that the child has to have overnight visits with their father's because he has had this situation in his own life of not seeing his children. I am not against her seeing her dad at all, I mean there was a point in time that i thought he was the one and i "loved" him enough to have a child with him and i feel it is important for a child to at least know who their parents are. As far as knowing if she reacts this way all the time or jsut when i call, it is all the time, he still lives with his parents and i am very close with them and his younger brother who also lives there and they call me when they feel it is getting out of hand and ask me to talk to her. They are currently trying to convince him that perhaps having her over exspecialy over night isnt good for her and that he just isnt dedicated enough to do it. He tends to go out alot and leave her when ever she is over there with his parents who are getting annoyed with it and dont want to have to take care of her. I do the whole both mommy and daddy love you thing just to get her out of the house to go with him. If i am taking her to church when we have to pass his house and she cries dont take me to daddys it is just getting to be alot of stress. My only saving grace is that my ex tells my current boyfriend that if we get married he is going to step aside because he feels that my boyfriend does a better job with her.

Cheryl - posted on 02/15/2009

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My kids every time they are to go to their dad's for the weekend beg me to not send them.  They are 8,7 and 5.  I have from the first visit told them that they have to go because Mommy and daddy both love them so much that we have to share them. They are also old enough that they know I could get into trouble if I don't send them.  Its always very hard to let them go.  To help with their transition I give them all a kissing hand (from that book) its where I kiss their hand and tell them that if they miss me or need an extra mommy kiss to press their hand to their cheek. They say that helps them.  I try to keep things positive when I talk about them going over there.. such as telling them that they are lucky. .they get to celebrate their birthdays twice, and have two christmas' . things like that.



 



One thing I would suggest also is keep a log, on how their mood is after they come home and appearance.   Take pictures if you can.  For my kids, my oldest comes home so angry that she's unmanangeable for a couple of days after. And none of them go to bed well for a few days, since they watch tv till they fall asleep at dad's house.   I also document that their clothes are filthy when returned or things like my 7 year old came home last time in a 4T shirt. and my 5 year old was wearing a 24 months shirt.  What is that about??   These things will help a court decided if they should forgo the overnights later on..  because without documentation, and photos its your word against his.

Alison - posted on 02/14/2009

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I am so worried something like this is going to happen to me. I got pregnant in Colorado and moved back to MN after her dad asked me to have an abortion and said he wasn't going to let me ruin his life. Now he is denying he is the father but says after he takes a paternity test if she is his he wants to be involved. I am so scared because he is such a selfish and unkind person. I don't want my daughter to be out of the state without me!

Teresa - posted on 02/14/2009

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What state do you live in and how old is your lil girl??? I have a 4 year old that dont go on over night visits till she is 6....

Jennifer - posted on 02/14/2009

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Quoting Sherri:



Quoting Valerie:

My daughter's father and I are not together and my daughter goes and visits him every other weekend, but everytime she goes she cries to me on the phone that she wants to come home, but these visits are court ordered so I cant make the decision to let her come home and he wont let her come home and yells at her to stop. How do I handle that? What do I tell her so she isnt mad at me? Any suggestions on how to handle dealing with him?







Do you know why she's always so upset? I would suggest you try to find out. Things like that always make me nervous. Try to get as much information from your daughter as possible so you can have a starting point to handle her objection to the visits. There may be a valid reason for her not wanting to see her father - you never know.






I agree, I would first try to talk with the father, then try to figure out what is going on. If you feel it is serious maybe you should consider taking this back to court... they can do supervised visitation and push parenting classes on the father. I recently did this and with my situation the father was put on the spot to take responsibility for my child's emotions and needs. The father has to prove to the court and counselors that he is worthy of his parenting time. This also lets the father know that you are not going to accept anything 'out of line' by him. Your child is your responsibility and to not take action in the child's best interest is only to say it is okay that daddy treats you like this. We have to some times persue things that feel uncomfortable or risky, but ultimately it is not about you, but the child. Hope this helps some.

Sherri - posted on 02/14/2009

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Quoting Valerie:

My daughter's father and I are not together and my daughter goes and visits him every other weekend, but everytime she goes she cries to me on the phone that she wants to come home, but these visits are court ordered so I cant make the decision to let her come home and he wont let her come home and yells at her to stop. How do I handle that? What do I tell her so she isnt mad at me? Any suggestions on how to handle dealing with him?




Do you know why she's always so upset? I would suggest you try to find out. Things like that always make me nervous. Try to get as much information from your daughter as possible so you can have a starting point to handle her objection to the visits. There may be a valid reason for her not wanting to see her father - you never know.

Mary Beth - posted on 02/14/2009

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My ex will not educate himself and I have learned that the only person you can help is you and your child, that's why they're the ex.  You can't make them stop yelling and handling the situation badly, the only thing you can do is emotionally prepare her for the visit in a most positive way.  Document all instances she calls to cry to you, all instances he yells and when you have enough that the situation is not improving, then you go back to court to modify the visitation schedule.  Make sure you document any good times as that will show you are not biased and being bitter.  Ask the court for a custody/visitation evaluator or a child advocate so your daughter's feelings can be heard by the court.  This is common that dad gets angry she doesn't want to be with him and it's common he doesn't handle it well, so the court will not care as long as she is not being tramatized or abused.  I have to look at it as a growing experience for my boys; a way to help them become assertive and voice their opinions.  Best of luck and keep asking for support!

Laura - posted on 02/14/2009

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Hello-How old is the child and are you and the ex cordial or was it ugly? Was the split recent? My ex and I have been divorced over 3 years now, he's remarried, we've moved on, but the distance between us is over 600 miles and he's about to be transferred out West. When our son was younger, 2-3 years, it was harder, he cried and wanted to come home, and my ex was not very patient with him. But I had to encourage the visits and help him see that he was going to have fun and daddy missed him. I called twice a day, trying not to intrude on their time together, but talking to me seemed to help. Now he's 6 and they really enjoy their time together. It's a tough one, especially if you and the ex don't get along, but sometimes you have to forgive and let go, for the sake of their relationship. From the limited information in your message however, it sounds as if he could change how he reacts to her wanting to come home. It doesn't help her to tell her to stop. He should acknowledge her feelings, I know you miss Mommy, she misses you , too, but we're going to have fun and yada yada yada. Don't worry about her being mad at you, you're the boss, they're gonna be mad at us sometimes. I hope this helps.

Melissa - posted on 02/14/2009

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Hey there. I know that this can be a very hard situation as I have had my daughter go through the same thing. I could not talk to my ex and he had not thoughts of how our daughter was being affected. All I could do was be there for her and confirm to her that no matter what her father loved her and I loved her too!! I told her that I would always be there for her. She is older now and still is not happy about visiting but handles it a lot better because she had support and I think that this is the most important thing.

Sam - posted on 02/14/2009

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i had the same thing with my first baby well now goin through it with my second,i just went bback to solicitors with a letter from health visitor sayin how upset she got every time etc and got them to reduce it to no stay overs for a while and if she wanted to come home that he would bring her back.i nearly got arrested at one point for goin against a court order cause i stopped mine goin cause he was bein a twat as they do lol and he should agree to it because he should be thinkin of his daughter and ways to make her comfy and happy to be with him,if not then hes just thinkin of himself and not her really,but i would contact solicitors etc again and ask for a review,see what they say....

Cathy - posted on 02/14/2009

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The only thing you can do is explain to her that mommy loves her but so does daddy and that is why she needs to go and visit him.  I honestly think that our children shouldn't be taken away from us for court ordered visits until they are emotionally ready to handle it or they should be eased into it.  Maybe suggest to your ex that he start off with day visits until she can get used to the idea?  If he doesn't agree to that then suggest to him that you come over and settle her at night time!  Like that would happen!!  But maybe then he would see how serious the matter is!

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