my ex is guilting me into not collecting child support, i need the money what should i do?

Ashley - posted on 03/30/2010 ( 127 moms have responded )

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he tells me that he should not have to pay that i should just let him have hte baby half of the time and that way we are both caring for him half the time. i dont see that a fit solution. when he was only three months and i was just starting to try and go back to work had a drug addiction and lost us our house car everything put me into debt. i dont think that he deserves or is responsible enough to have the privilege to have him around that much. i just need some financial help give my son the things that he wants.

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Deanna - posted on 03/31/2010

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Ashley, I looked at your profile saw where you were and let me help you out here. I, once, lived in Florida where child support is somewhat easy to obtain. First of all, you need to contact your LOCAL child support office... They will help you through everything you need to do. I did all my stuff through the local office in Ocala, Florida. Your local office will track down "daddy" if he is absent. Once they find "daddy" he will be served with papers for a paternity test. He will have to pay these fees to be served. Then they will offer a paternity test to prove "daddy" is who you say. You must be sure though that you are 100% sure of who "daddy" is or you will be made to pay for the paternity test. If "daddy" is really "daddy" then he will be made to pay for the paternity test. Next comes the court dates. You may have several court dates... I know I had two court dates for my "sperm donor". I showed he didn't. So I got what the state of Florida allowed me to have in terms of child support. Also since "sperm donor" was in arrears for child support the state of Florida put a lien on his income tax returns... Meaning that my daughter gets part of his income tax money until he is all caught with what he owes her.

I don't know anything about any paper work that you would have to take to him for him to fill out that is why I gave you some details on what to do. Please DO NOT be afraid to go after what your baby is owed. Hopefully that helps you out some. If you need anymore help contact me.. I'll be glad to you help you any way I can.

Good luck to you!

Stephanie - posted on 03/30/2010

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trust me... go for the support... if you don't do it now you'll regret it. I didn't do it at first with my ex but after four years of no help I finally filed and it was a big help.

Amanda - posted on 03/30/2010

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you should deffinally get support, i mean if you and your son need it then u should file for support. Do want you have to do to provide for your baby and keep him safe.

Pam - posted on 06/12/2012

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go to court and get support the baby is as much his responsibility as it is yours. There is no reason for you to struggle alone, you didn't make the baby alone

Renee - posted on 03/31/2010

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You have to take him to court. Write down everything in a book, when he visit's, how much he pays in support. Also keep receipts for everything you buy for baby, it helps when trying to reach an accurate decision on the amount of support you will receive. The fact is you have the upper hand, you've been there for your kid no matter what, and where has he been?? Take him to court, get a judgment and it will make life so much easier. I promise.

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Mercedes - posted on 01/08/2014

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You shouldn't not let him see the baby. Maybe let him start out with supervised visits. Go to court get the child support established and also some visitation. it works out best for the child even if you do not want to deal with him you can just do whats best for your child.

MaryLou - posted on 02/17/2013

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First of all get it together. Secondly, get some child support. Third if the man is a good guy, then he should be in the child life. Or least have supervised visits. Start acting like an adult.

Deb - posted on 06/27/2012

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You definately need to go to court for support. I currently have 50/50 custody and the father makes quite a bit more money than I do. However, when we decided to share 50/50 I agreed I would drop the court order. WRONG MOVE.....I end up providing more than half of everything. He guilts me into giving him some of the clothes from my house, school supplies, etc. and it never seems to be something I want to fight about.

Most states now have a calculator that makes it fair for both parents. So it isn't always a dead beat dad.... there are a lot of moms out there that don't carry their weight.

It's just best to let certain things be handled by the courts or a professional service so as to not cause hard feelings.

Christian - posted on 06/17/2012

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@Tara: It's about single moms because the site is called "Circle of Moms", so . . . I believe all advice is valid, but I think yours is misguided. Child support is only a punishment if a man is bitter and uneducated enough to feel that way. I know men who proudly pay thier child support to women that they really don't like because they are enlightened enough to know that the money is for thier child.

Derelicts, drug addicts and horrible mothers aside, when a woman collects child support, it by default goes to her child. Clothes, electricity, house note, car note, internet (which is a nessecity for moms that WORK from home), water, food, toys, soft ball league, school trips - I could go on - all cost money and child support helps offset these costs. He doesn't need to know exactly where it's going - child support isn't a ticket to micromanage a woman who has been doing it alone anyway, it's support. Thats it.

@ Betty: You clearly just want to start controversy. Your comment was rude and unjustified.

Laurie - posted on 06/13/2012

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collect the support and even if you guys end up with 50 50 custody he will likely still pay. the state isn't going to stop asking him for the child support, if he doesn't pay they will take his license, my husband was raise by just his mom and his dad didn't pay when he was young so now his dad is still paying my mother in law 23 years later.

StrongerMe - posted on 05/29/2012

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Given his history, I doubt that a judge would agree You need an attorney to file for a custodial agreement and child support order. You should be the custodial parent and grant hiim standard visitation and receive child support. You really shouldn't bargain your child's upport. It is legally theirs, not yours. Let a court decide.
You are no longer looking out for your ex's best interest. You are responsible for your baby's best interest.

Anita - posted on 05/26/2012

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Personally, I think you should go for the support. He helped make the child, he can help support the child. If he has (or has had) a drug problem, I would not be comfortable leaving him alone with the child, so you might want to consider supervised visits.

Kari - posted on 05/26/2012

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You need to go to court to establish a support order. This is not being mean, it is in the best interest of the child. That being said, whether he supports the child financially or not, if he is a "responsible person" and there is no fear of abuse or neglect, it is in your childs best interest to have both parents in his/her life.

Sarah - posted on 05/25/2012

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My husband and his ex split custody of their two children and he still pays for child support. If he is not willing to do it without a court order then get one, trust me don't wait. The court will help make the decision.

Tara - posted on 05/21/2012

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I read all these on here and I have to ask this question....why is it all about single moms? There ARE single dads out there too who have had to deal with mothers just abandoning their kids and I never hear them whine that they don't get support. Have any of you ever heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" ?
Think about it.....do you want the money because you want more for you or the child? There are people out there with kids who live on a crap budget. We don't need cable or extras. I mean honestly, some of you are saying you need the money desperately yet here you are on the internet....a luxury.
I can only say this....a child is created by TWO people...no ONE person should have to financially support the other or the children involved. If you want child support work it out together as sharing medical expenses and schooling/daycare costs...OUTSIDE of a court. If you have a deadbeat on your hands that never saw the child in the first place or denies the kid....then MOVE ON for the child's sake. If the father WANTS in the child's life then LET HIM. You have no right to deny the child or him the time together. Just because YOU do not like him...does not mean you can force your child to dislike him.
If you want support, raise the child as a team....no man should have to pay support if he is denied the chance to see where the money is going and get to know his child.....IF he wants that right. YOU have no right to use child support as a punishment.
Take a step back and leave your own anger at him at the door......u made a child with him whether u chose to or not and your attitude about your own relationship with the father should NEVER get in the way....if it does....than you should not be raising a child.

Leigh - posted on 05/16/2012

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Do not let that man get away without paying. He sounds like a worthless man who is just trying to get his way. He did the deed. He can pay for his actions. You shouldn't be the only one paying for it.

Leni - posted on 05/10/2012

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Go for the support don't let him make you feel bad for doing it. You want your son to have everything he needs so don't pay attention to what he has to say. Goo for it!

Jessica - posted on 05/07/2012

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I always feel bad, but th eextra money helps out so much and gives my son the life he deserves. We now get to do things we wouldn't normally be able too. And in the end the child life matters most. Go for child support because you support your child financially so the father should too that part of being a parent and so much more

Cheraki - posted on 05/07/2012

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You collect! Why should his life be easy why you struggle to raise you child? If he don't want to pay then that's his choice. He can sit in jail and have to purge out (meaning he has to come up with money to get out) or he can sit there the entire time. You can also apply for cash assistance after filing for child support. If you're not getting any payments. Any money you get from the state he HAS to pay back to the state. Sounds like a few dead beats I know of... Don't let him guilty you into anything. He helped make your son.. He can help support him...If he chooses not to then let his butt sit in jail...Eventually he will get tired of being locked up and make a few payments at least. When he tries the "you put me in jail" crap, nicely tell him "nope you did that yourself all you had to do was pay your support. Trust me on this I have and am still going down the support road. I no longer fight about child support I let the courts do it for me. Good Luck to you.

Donna - posted on 05/05/2012

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I would agree with you that he does not deserve to have the right to have a baby for any amount of time. A parent is expected to take care of their children, and for as long as humanity can date back, woman are always the ones that carry the burden of raising our kids.

Naomi - posted on 05/05/2012

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you are entitled to child supprt to support the child.
he had a part in creating this child and he should be supporting the child.

Jackie - posted on 05/03/2012

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maybe u need to file for custody 1st via the court hearing u should be able to have finacial aid as its on behalf of ur child! then file for child support! good luck

Barb - posted on 05/02/2012

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My ex did the same thing I only asked him a few times just between us if he could help with my daughter cause we are always struggling with money he lost it on me there was yelling on his part. Him telling me cause I left with her and moved out it was my own problem. My ex was assistance and never worked really just take him for support I would've done the same to my ex if I could. It's hard enough to make I was lucky I had a little money put aside when my grandpa passed away to help us through a year or so alone.

Christian - posted on 04/26/2012

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I was not going to go for child support at first either, but then I thought about it on a deeper level. If you choose not to get the most money you can, you are putting his needs before the needs of your child. The odds that he will spend the same amount on your son, is very small. Get the money. At first, I thought that my child support order would be small, so I was not going to even put in the effort, but my friend helped me. She said, "If you don't want to take anything from him, that's fine, but even if the order is $100 a month, that is an extra $100 that can go into a savings account for your son, or an extra outing every month or food or clothes." You get the picture. Don't put his wants ahead of your child. File for child support NOW. It takes forever to start collecting anyway.

Sarah - posted on 04/26/2012

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Go for the child support. You'll regret it if you don't he should be held responsible. I didn't take my ex right away and I completely regret it. Don't let him make you feel bad, you deserve it.

Bev - posted on 02/03/2012

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Probate court? that is for wills and estates and she can't get a restraining order based on what she thinks they want to talk about....how on earth would that help her situation?

Rita - posted on 02/03/2012

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Go to probate court--they will settle this thru the DOR--and get a restraining order. His "guilting you" is called abuse.

[deleted account]

this will sound harsh no matter how I put it, but I promise you I am being as loving and straight forward as I know how at the moment, guilt is only a feeling you take on yourself. Child support is the right of your baby. You might want to work on your issues, self esteem, etc with a therapist. Child support is to support his child, parenting is also his responsibility too. so let him visit, and pay, just as you have to provide both so does he. Much Love!

Patricia - posted on 10/19/2011

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Fuck him! You need money for you and your baby! My ex pulled the same shit on me!!! DO NOT FALL FOR IT!!!!!!!! I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!!!!

Bryndís - posted on 10/14/2011

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Don't listen to your ex, do what you need to do :) God bless you :)

Brandy - posted on 09/26/2011

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GO to court and get child support and FULL custody. If you don't do it now you will forever be back and forth to court!!

Kelly - posted on 09/25/2011

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I did it by myself for 1 1/2 years after my son was born. It's hard but it also teaches you to be more stricter with your money and really decide on whether you can buy for yourself (ie. a new hair brush, nail polish or that pizza you've been craving for some time). It's teaches you discipline with your money. But if i could go back, I would definitely have my son's father helping financially, and NOT his MOTHER!! Even to this day my son's father mother pays for everything and he even turned around and went on welfare to get out of paying child support!!

You, Ashley have all the reason in the world to not let him have time with his child. I know I wouldnt. But also if you feel that strongly that you need his help, then i say pursue it and get help with a lawyer. I know her in Canada its called Legal Aid, but where you are it may be called different. Also, you may not get what you were hoping for when going through something like that. But then again, there will be set dates on when you are to receive child support from him and you may even be able to have supervised visits rather than him being alone with baby.

I believe that a father of a child should take responsibility but when it comes down to it, the mother makes all the important decisions and can decide when, where, time, how long or even not to at all. Weigh the pro's and cons. if you dont feel that your child be safe with their father, then dont allow any visitations. As for money, it sounds like he wont give you any and will continue until you do something about it. Stay strong hun, everything works out in the end. And remember, everything happens for a reason

Danielle - posted on 09/07/2011

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you have reason not to let him have the baby half the time. if you need the money then get it hun he is the father and should be paying his bit towards the babys upbringing, you shouldnt have to do it alone xx

Regina - posted on 09/05/2011

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It's his baby too. By law, he is supposed to help support said baby. Do NOT let him guilt you into not paying it. However, if fails to pay it, you can make the court aware of non-payment, and he'll be going to jail, unable to pay ANY of his bills. But you'll get your money no matter what, once his paychecks are garnished!

Heather - posted on 09/02/2011

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Get the support order. I have been a compromising wife and it only hurt my child in the end. I agreed to a lesser amount of child support other than what the child support office was telling me I was due and it is now 2 years later and I have been trying to get it back to court for a revision and he has road blocked at every turn. He has a very good job but now has a new wife and doesn't feel he needs to pay me for our son. Get the order! and make the Child support enforcement manage it. He can't play on their emotions or give them a sad story and there is consequences for him if he doesn't pay.
Good luck

[deleted account]

You should claim child support or you will be sorry later when he doesn't want to help and your child suffers because it.

Jackie - posted on 09/01/2011

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no take him all the way dont stop claiming child support!! or he just wont bother especially if he has issues with drugs!

Nancy - posted on 08/29/2011

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He helped make the baby and now he needs to buck up, quit whining, and be a man. I would not let him bully you into getting out of paying. You're going to be responsible for this child for the next 18 years and your child needs the support of both parents; emotionally and financially

Ange - posted on 07/19/2011

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In California, it is whomever has PHYSICAL custody of the child! That person has more expense in regards to the raising of the child! Most non-custodal parents I know, balk at paying child support. It would be doing yourself and that child a disservice to NOT seek support! It shouldn't be about what your son wants but what he needs and what you need to raise him! Go and apply for support. The court will take into account your time and your ex's time with the child, who is in the best interest for the child, your income vs. your ex's income, child care and anything else and then make a ruling. Note: If you don't file, then you can't go to court later and request a ruling based on the time the child was born or any other time unless you get a judgement from the Family Court!

Charleen - posted on 07/18/2011

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In my opinion and as a wife to a man who has to pay child support. if he is sober and he can prove he can stay sober by random testing for a year at the courts random request. Then I would let him have the baby half of the time. One of my friends does 2 weeks with mom 2 weeks with dad. I wish my hubbys ex was understanding like that but no all she wants is the money and he still supports all 4 of us and the money she gets doesnt even go towards the child since the mother is on welfare housing and not paying for anything not food medical housing power diapers or clothing and gets child support from 4 different dads. She doesnt work. But if you work and still need the money I would ask it from him but if he isnt wanting to do it out of court you will have to take him to court. However if he is with another family and is the sole provider think about the other children too. too many single moms go after the man for child support and the child support office always assumes the mother needs it what about the men who have custody and need it but they arent entitled because they can work but moms dont need to. I think if you have a full time job and it is just the 2 of you yes it is hard but with assistance you are able to do it and if you are going to use the support for the child and only the child then that would be go for it in my book but like i said i have a different prespective

Lindsay - posted on 07/18/2011

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Reguardless of his situation he OWES you half of what it costs to raise HIS child. Take him to court! You don't need his permission!

Rebecca - posted on 07/18/2011

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this support is for your baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! explain to him the baby needs to eat all the time !!!!!!!dont let him guilt you out of it he can work !!!!!!!!!!im sorry but being a parent is full time not part time when he decides please for the sake of your son please........take the advice and go for it!!!!!!if he cares and love his son as much as his mother this would not even be an issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!good luck to you!!!!i only have learned thios from expeiriance men come and go your child is yours for a life time and trust they are very expensive but well worth it

Shauna - posted on 07/18/2011

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People will do anything to get out of support their own child. Make him be the man he should be without you telling him. He should pay.

Erica - posted on 07/15/2011

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This child support can go for 1 of many things.....not sure how old , but diapers, wipes, clothes, rent, utilities, hospital bills, gas for your car to get your son things. whether he likes it or not FILE the support please you will be so happy you did. I gurantee it

Erica - posted on 07/15/2011

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He helped bring this child into life and its his duty to help raise love nurture your child you have together. a real man wouldnt complain about paying support, we all know the REAL daddies pay and mommies too out there, they actually give a crap . Please dont let him manipulate you!

Megan - posted on 07/15/2011

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He only wants the child 50% of the time because he thinks it'll get him out of paying support,not because he wants to be with him. NO WAY!!! I am right now (and have been for 6 yrs) taking care of the grandchild of my neighbor because her father did this. Only he is not sober most days, I have spoken to the mother about it (she doesn't seem to care either) so I came to an agreement with the grandparents that unless they are home she is safe with my family. I already have 4 and do not need another but because my kids love this little girls i had to step in to protect them from loosing her in a tragic accident that is waiting to happen. It makes me sad that this child feels safest when with a non-family member. Don't let your child know this type of life.

Heather - posted on 07/15/2011

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Go for the support. It's better for child. He wants the child 1/2 the time so he won't have to pay. That is not better for the child, it's better for his own interests.

Candice - posted on 07/13/2011

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Stick to what you think is truly "in the best interest of the child". If you don't think he is fit to take the child half the time, don't let him. And know that a lot of men use the "just let me take him half time" as just a way of getting out of paying...then when they get it, the kid gets cared for by someone else most of the time cuz they're too lazy or unprepared to actually do it. It's all about the money to some people.

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