My son is asking about his dad.

Cherie - posted on 03/08/2012

TAKE HIM FOR EVERY DIME YOU CAN GET HE IS A LOSER MAKE HIM PAY

Aya - posted on 03/16/2011

I'm in a similar situation as Erica and I cannot tell you how encouraging all your posts are. My son is 5 and he has never met his father. His father is not interested in being part of our lives and that's fine, but I don't speak about him negatively in front of my son. I dread the day when he will tell me he wants to meet his father.

Amber - posted on 03/15/2011

If you don't want child support and he's not interested in being a father, then there's nothing you can really do about it. And, it might be better if you don't. Does your son need a dad that is absent? When my boys ask about their dad, I just tell them the positive things (not that there's much). And then I sympathize with them and say, "I know it hurts to not have your dad in your life. I wish thing were different but this is the way they are." Then I name all the people (especially men - grandfather, uncles, etc.) who love them and talk about how fortunate they are to have such a great family. When your son is older you can explain more of the story but NEVER speak badly of his dad... just factually. "Your dad and I just could not get along and I was left to raise you by myself... and I love you very much so I am happy to be in your life." He may try to blame you but eventually he'll see the truth for what it really is. All you can do in the meantime is validate his feelings of loss.

Patricia - posted on 03/15/2011

I know as a mother this is a difficult thing to witness. But i assure you....... you dont want your son around a man like this anyway! focus your time and energy in making sure your son is around good positive male role models. Yes there are a few good men left in this world. Kids are way stronger and wiser than we give them credit for. He will see on his own one day.

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2011

I always tried my hardest to make sure that my son knew his father. His dad had told me he was divorced when he was only separated. I found out because he went back to his wife (in another state), and then I found out I was pregnent. The sad thing? She took more of an interest in my son then he did. Every time my son asked where his dad was, I told him he was in another state. When he asked why his dad was not there, I told him I did not know.

And it is the truth. No one can really know why a parent suddenly decides he/she does not want anything to do with their child/children and why those parents disappear except for those parents. So when you tell your child you don't know why the absent parent is not there, you are being both truthful, and showing that you wish that the absent parent was there. I have many friends that think I am insane for refusing to bad mouth my son's dad and for not allowing them to do so in front of my son after all that has happened, but I honestly want my son to develop his own feelings of his father based on his point of view, and not on mine.

He finally did see his son when he was around 7, but he didn't show as much interest in him as my son had hoped. It was after that incident that my son stopped talking about his dad for several years. Now they communicate once in a great while over facebook, but it is a rare thing for either of them to show more than a passing interest in each other. My son os 13 now and I do not see it getting any better either.

I have to pull teeth out of both of them now to get them to even wish each other a happy birthday, yet both still claim to love each other. I have come to realise that this is just the relationship they will have. They will love each other from a distance, but never really be a part of each other's lives. It makes me very sad, but at least I know I tried, and so does my son.

Jessica - posted on 03/15/2011

You can't force your son's father to step up and be a father. Just try to explain to him that maybe you didn't make the best decisons in a father for him but that you love him more than anything. Then explain that a lot of children don't have dads either or maybe that some men aren't very good fathers(abusive etc). Make sure you let him know that none of the situation is his fault. Just explain it to him on a calm and mature level and answer any questions he may have.Hope this helps.



I too know how it feels my son's father wants nothing to do with him but still wants to be with me. I told him to leave alone that I wanted no contact with him. He knows he is my son's father even though he looks just like me. He has seen my son a handful of times and he is almost 4 years old. My son is better off without him is the way I see things and I am better off too. He has 3 other children that his parents have custody of and he sees them but not my son which is fine. I don't ask for support because that would give him rights to my son and I don't want that. He has never paid a dime and it is hard but better this way.

Cindy - posted on 03/14/2011

I think you should persue the dna and financial support. The dad needs to live up to his responsiblity at least financially...if he doesn't want children than maybe he will be more careful next time. He may never see his son, but your son will know in his heart you did all you could to make it possible.

Lori - posted on 03/13/2011

Maryanne Bush-I agree with you 100 % you give good sound advice and Erica if you do not need the child support money take it anyway and put it in the bank for your childs college. And your son may say he hates you now because the dad left because of you but give him time children are resillaint and he will come around just hopefully sooner rather than later. And enjoy fathers day I get one more breakfast in bed yeahhh me! God bless Lori

Deb - posted on 03/12/2011

Unfortunately you can't make him be part of your son's life. Some people are just sorry parents, which he obviously falls into this category. Don't bash him to your son. Makes you look like the bad guy. When he gets older he will understand you had nothing to do with his father being absent. Hang in there. I know it's hard. My son used to accuse me of the same thing. He will understand one day.

Maryanne - posted on 03/12/2011

Betty, you are so right. I did not put my child's father's name on his birth certificate because I did not want him going to him if anything happened to me. Now this was before DNA testing. The other thing if the mother is working and something happens to her the child is eligible for SS death benefits. It is amazing how appealing a child who comes with a monthly check can appear. Life is not fair. For every action there is a reaction. I can tell you as the mother of a 40 yr old,college graduate,ceo of a large company,devoted husband and wonderful father that it can work. Children should have two parents but only if both parents are working for the best interests of the child. If not? Then as long as their lives are filled with love and honesty and caring and compassion and hugs and kisses and most of all stability it can work. Remember, I think the clue to raising children is that they all want to see your eyes light up when you see them.

April - posted on 03/11/2011

i think that the man is missing out & you should just reasure him that it is not his fault

Betty - posted on 03/11/2011

I don't think I would get a DNA test. If he doesn't want anything to do with him fine, you and your son do not need that type of influence in your lives. The reason I say don't get the test is if something were to happen to you (god forbid) he would be the next of kin. Make sure you have a clear plan on record just in case. Sorry to say that but that is my biggest fear, if something were to happen to me I do NOT want my daughter to be forced to live with someone who clearly does not want her.

Reba - posted on 03/11/2011

This is a two sided coin, I would subpoena the dna but be wary he could be abusive if he doesn't want to know him. Which could leave your son hurting more. But a child deserves to know both sides of the family.

Maryanne - posted on 03/11/2011

Thank you Kari

Kari - posted on 03/11/2011

@Maryanne Bush-I agree with you 100%!!!

Kari - posted on 03/11/2011

@Maryanne Bush-I agree with you 100%!!!

Maryanne - posted on 03/11/2011

You can get a court order for him to get a test done to proof he is the father of your son, see legal aid about it, than he has to pay maintenance for your son, whether he likes it or not, tell your son it is not your fault that his dad doesn't want to see him, ask for advice of a family counselor!

Maryanne - posted on 03/11/2011

When the "Dad" question came up ( of course this was 37 yrs ago since my son is now 40 ) I amswered honestly and completely. I said that his father loved him but due to his own problems could not be a part of his life. Since I answered in that vein from the beginning it was easier each and every time the questions arose. When he got older, I was truthful. It was hard there were times I wanted to scream, thinking '' I am here,what else do you need?" But no matter what I kept it honest and kind.If you put his father in a negative light he may internalize and think the negativity is a part of him also. It isn't easy, but in my mind it was not what was best for the man who shirked his responsibility but what was best for the son I loved. It is a fine line, you cannot make the absentee parent a hero either, because you do not want the child to pine for someone who does not exist. Today he is a well adjusted father in his own right. I am not saying our life was perfect but honesty and kindness worked for me.

Erica - posted on 03/03/2011

Thank ya'll for the imput!!

Jessica - posted on 03/03/2011

i told my son's father that he was the father from the day i found out i was pregnant and he claimed he didn't believe me and that was why he never attempted to contact us for the first five years of my son's life... when in reality, he just didn't want to be a dad and he was using that as an excuse. i hope you figure it out. i would for sure go through the dna test and send him the results. but i would not expect him to change. i would also go after child support once paternity is established, your son, if anything deserves that.

Erica - posted on 03/03/2011

Blakes dad left before he was born. Blake has seen pictures of him but that is it. Thanks for the advice.

Kari - posted on 03/03/2011

Unfortunately, if the father doesn't want anything to do with your son, he doesn't have to. I do think he should be supporting him financially, but I also think that too many people put the emphasis on the money, saying they won't let the father see the child if they don't pay. It is sad, but there are a lot of deadbeats out there, or fathers that don't want to work, but I don't think that is a good reason to keep the child away. I comend you for putting your childs best interest first and just wanting the best for him!! Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 03/03/2011

i would. but i would not expect it to help. he already decided what kind of father he would be, and a dna test is not going to make him change. i did that when my son was five and it did not solve anything. his dad came around five times in the last six years. he never calls, never sends cards or gifts for birthdays, holidays, ect. he says that my having his son ruined his life... even though my son is 11. he didn't have to pay child support for the first five years and he didn't meet my son until he was five. i tried everything. i yelled, i wrote letters, i called him, and all of that... and nothing changed. it sucks for my son big time. i don't think his dad will ever get that. after awhile i gave up and realized that i can't change people no matter what i do and actions always speak louder then words. i quit trying to convince him to be a dad because i couldn't. i don't really have advice for you except to tell your son that it isn't his fault and his father was not ready to be a dad and that it takes a certain kind of man to be a daddy and he isn't it. then i would do the dna test, bring him the results, slap him in the face with them as hard as you can, and scream... SEE, I TOLD YOU YOU WERE THE DAD, NOW WAKE UP AND BE A DAD... just kidding... if it were only that easy... sigh... i wish.



as for your son, he is always going to take this personal and think it has to do something with him. he thinks that if he was better or funnier or what ever his dad would like him. you have to convince him that it isn't him and that if his dad really knew him, he would love him. but his dad isn't ready to know him because he isn't ready to be a dad.