My son's father is a bad father and refuses to see it...

Anna - posted on 04/17/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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There is something that I have always kept quiet about my personal life and I haven't never spoken about till this day but I finally reached a point where I am disgusted with all of this. I am being called out as "a crazy money hungry ex wife/ baby mama" type of thing. My divorce was an absolute train wreck. However, at NO POINT or time have I ever denied Noah’s (our son) father to visit him. What I would not tolerate is Noah’s father coming to pick him up an hour late from the scheduled time we would agree on or canceling last minute. After we all got out of the Navy Noah’s father never gave Noah an address where he would be living after the Navy and all we knew was that he was in Texas. It has been 2 years since Noah left Hawaii and guess what? His father has yet to make a trip to come visit. Why? “My son’s father is poor, can’t afford to live on his own and even can’t eat a good meal” because his child support is TOO HIGH at least that is what he tells me (what Noah’s father can’t seem to grasp is that at any point or time HE HAD THE POWER TO MODIFY the child support order but never bothered to. The same way it took me 4 months to file child support in Hawaii… another 4 months to file with Texas… and now another 4 months because he moved to New Mexico.. yes it’s a headache but it needs to get done). Did I mention by the time my son’s father was officially separated from the Navy he already owed our son over 3K in child support (I literally had to request mass because Anthony’s father had him as a dependent and was still not paying child support…Daycare on base was almost $500.. I was also in the Navy). Before my son was able to attend school in NY his Daycare was $710 a month and of course I gave Noah’s father the complete 411 on everything he needed to know about the Daycare in case he needed proof (my mother was unable to care for him anymore because she was diagnosed with stage one melanoma). After a huge fight with Noah’s father almost an entire year went by without Noah’s father talking to him. So last December ’11 I made a trip to New Mexico to not only take Noah to visit the other side of the family but also attempt to make peace with his father in the hopes that our son could have an actual relationship with his father. Why now? Because our son is at the age where he is realizing that he doesn’t have a “daddy” and asked for one at nursery school. I thought the trip to New Mexico was successful but I was wrong. As time went on the phone calls from Noah’s father to our son decreased to the point where weeks went by before they talked again (besides it’s not like they had an hour long conversation it was more like 3-5 mins). One day while picking up our son from school his teacher asked me to stay after she finished dismissing the rest of the class. She basically told me that Noah said “he wanted a new daddy because his daddy was too far away” my heart literally dropped to the floor. So I decided to take Noah to a family councilor because I honestly had no clue how to make Noah feel better at that point. Once I talked with the councilor I emailed Noah’s father regarding the current situation Noah was in. As a parent there is no worse feeling in the world to know that your child is feeling hurt and there is absolutely nothing you can do but be there to comfort them. During our trip to NM Noah’s father told me that “he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be able to experience any of Noah’s milestones etc..” however I asked him this “Do you think Noah came to terms with the fact that his father is practically a stranger to him” A major issue that I have with Noah’s father is that he calls Noah whenever he wants or when Noah is SLEEPING OR IN SCHOOL which makes no sense to me because I have given him Noah’s schedule over and over also, Noah’s father gets upset because he can’t understand what Noah is saying. I tell him that if he spoke to him on regular basis he would understand but he doesn’t seem to understand that. Finally this is the reason why I am even writing all of this for the world to see. Last Saturday Noah had his first tee ball game. Early that morning I had sent his father a iMessage saying “call Noah before his game to wish luck and letting him know there was going to be a lot of father son activity both on and off the field today and I didn’t want Noah to feel sad” ( I didn’t call Noah’s father since he was upset with me because I did not accept his offer to drop our child support case and “trust” him to make child support payments all on his own …as I have mentioned before from the very beginning Noah’s father had the power to modify child support but chose not to). Sometimes, Noah likes to watch his friends play with their dads I guess maybe that is what he wants too I don’t know. I am sure you already guessed it…Noah’s father decided not to call and not only did he not call he denied ever getting my text earlier that morning. I know that is complete BS because we both have iPhones and I know for a fact that he got it. You know how I have mentioned that Noah wanted a dad well… on that day instead of playing tee ball he finally asked one of his teammate’s father to be his dad. That was the point where I finally lost it with Noah’s father. As you can imagine I let him have a piece of my mind because to me he is beyond selfish. When he called Noah that night Noah didn’t want to speak to his father especially because his father was repeating the same questions over and over again since he didn’t understand what Noah was saying… It is easy to say “I LOVE YOU” but those words mean nothing when you don’t ever show it especially to your own child. It has been 2 years since the divorce and wow I still feel like I am in a ongoing train wreck… Oh yeah Noah’s father is becoming a Pastor and everything I say to him he doesn’t really take seriously. In his mind he is a good father and has done nothing wrong. Apparently I bash him for no reason. At this point I have NO CLUE how to approach him anymore because I pretty much feel like there is no point in talking to him again.

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Anna - posted on 04/17/2012

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@ Beth.. I did the same with Noah's father after the 10 months he chose not to speak to him. He hates when I call the shots and gets discouraged. @ Louise .. Noah's father lives in NM and we are living in NY. Noah's father says that he wants to be a good father however he only acts like a father when he remembers he has a son. @ Rebecca I agree. I never talk bad about Noah's father infront of him. I tell him stories about his father when he asks. I tell him about our time in the Navy. You see my son's father was a very good man and husband. When Noah was only 2 months old his father left on a 6 month deployment. I stayed on shore duty and I literally had no help from anyone with Noah. I also breast feed Noah till he was 1 year old. When Noah's father came back from deployment Noah was already 8 months old. We were unable to "reconnect" and it pretty much went down hill. In a way i am still recovering from the divorce which is why I have not been with another man since the divorce.

Rebecca - posted on 04/17/2012

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I am still dealing with a similar situation and the one thing that I've learned is that you cannot control anyone's actions or emotions only your own. I never spoke in a negative manner to my son about his father ( although he lives just down the street frus) and I would tell my son stories about where his father was from and some of his childhood experiences. Recently he tried to get 50% custody so he wouldn't have to pay child support, he did not get far. My don was conflicted he wanted to spend time with his dad but he was also afraid of disrupting his routine. At the end of the day he knows he can count on me to love, protect,educate, and provide for him. That is what they really care about. Maybe he wants a Dad for your sake more than his have you dated anyone? My son is 9 and we love each other dearly. He says he loves his father too but he feels responsible for taking care of him, and he has been dissapointed because of his fathers actions bug he also understands that right now his priority is working hard in school, and doing his best at whatever sport he's playing at the time. Don't be afraid of doing this alone you are going to be fine and you are going to raise a respectful independent boy

Louise - posted on 04/17/2012

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I think if I were in your situation I would move away from any contact between father and son. Your son seems to be on the side lines more and more for something more important. If the father does not want to be a father then shut him out. Try and move on with your life and who knows you may meet a man that is twice the man his father is and he will want to call him daddy.

I think you have tried and all this is doing is upsetting your son and making him feel rejected over and over again. Sit your little one down and tell him that you love him very much and from now on you will not be taking him to see daddy. If he wants to see his dad then you will make arrangements but until then you wont. Children are quite resililent and he will take in what you are saying. He must have other friends in the same situation he is not alone.

[deleted account]

My ex husband, hasn't got over the fact that I divorced him. We've been separated for 7.5 years now and divorced for 6.5 years. My ex doesn't seem to recognise that his behaviour does effect my girls' behaviour (yes they are biologically his). After all these years, he still insists that my youngest is his brother's child and not his, although he put his own name on the birth certificate!!! I have stopped contact several times due to his behaviour. Just over 2 years ago, he was going through his second divorce and wanted to come back into my girls' lives. Said that he could, but it had to be slowly and carefully. He was given a long list of rules about contact. After about 5 months of actual contact, he stopped dropping off letters because it wasn't happening quickly enough for him. I'd given my girls the choice of whether they wanted to write back or not. My eldest had done something for him the week that he stopped dropping off stuff, even though he knew there was something for him. They haven't heard anything from him, although he did contact me 2/3 times asking for contact (visitiation). Said that he had to start again from the beginning. Wasn't going to let him see the girls without building up to it. Let's just say he's threatened to take me to court and been told that he will get all the visitiation he wants, I'm totally in the wrong etc.. Let's just say I'm still waiting to hear from the court!!! His way of venting off at me and trying to get a reaction from me. When he threatened to take me to court because I wasn't allowing access at his speed. Answered back - OK then, take me to court. He didn't like that I was in control and not him.



Keep strong, he'll realise with time that he's missing out and he'll do one of two things 1) clean up his act and actually make an effort to be in your son's life or 2) disappear into the pile of non-existant parents.

Anna - posted on 04/17/2012

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@ Alysha thank you @ Beth you make a valid point. This is beyond stressful. Even though Noah's father asks me for help to communicate with Noah or to tell him how to be a better dad I can't do it anymore. His lack of effort is disappointing because he wasn't like that until I filed for the divorce. He literally is a complete stranger to me.

[deleted account]

Think it's time for you and your son to move on emotionally. You have made an effort to try and keep your ex in your son's life. It is now up to him to step up and take some responsibility without the prompting from you.



Talk to Noah's teacher at school and work out some support for him, as well as friends and family for him to realise that he is dearly loved. With time Noah will work out his Dad for himself and make up his own mind on what to think about his Dad.



It is worth making friends with other families in his year, which I'm sure that you have already. Let him have lots of positive male role models around him. He will be realising that all his friends have Dads who take pride in them, and that his Dad isn't one of them (for whatever reason).



Time to back off from your ex and let him do the work now. Stay positive and make sure that you be the best Mum that you can to your son. In the fullness of time, your son will work out who is important to him and who isn't.

[deleted account]

Just take a deep breath. Everything is going to work out. Pretty soon Noah is going to realize that you've done the best you could and that his father isn't going to be there for him very much. This may make him feel bad, but he has you. He has always had you, and you are always going to have him. I think it is a good idea by bringing him to counseling, that will help him!

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