My son wants to see his dad, but he doesnt make the effort to see his son.

Latonya - posted on 08/09/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My seven year old wants to see his daddy, but the problem is his father doesnt want to see him. I tried and tried to get this man to see his child. all he does is lie and when it is his time to see him he doesnt show up. Whats makes it worst is that my son doesnt know anybody on his daddy side. i just hate lying to my son about the reason why his dad dont want to see him. His dad mom sees me and always ask me about my son and to bring him over, but they have my number and dont even take the time to call him to see how he is doing. i just dont know what to do. Do i just need to just block my son father family out his life?

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Arlene - posted on 08/10/2009

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My dad left my mom when I was one. I remember nights begging my mom to see him. One night she drove me over there. I went to his door and I told him mom brought me there because I wanted to see him. He told me he had a date and that I needed to leave. Over the years my mom pushed and pushed for me to have a relationship with my father and she has tried he best not to talk mess about him until I was 18. I am pride that my mom tried like she did and never talked negatively about him until I was old enough. His brothers and his mom always knew our numbers and where we lived. There is no way that he can ever tell me that my mom kept him from seeing me. A lot of father's use that as an excuse. He can not say that what I think or feel about him is because of all the nasty things she said about him. My mom also told me "Do not base your dad and your relationship on my and your dads relationship" If you keep the dad out of the picture you will end up looking like the bad guy. I remember all the times that my dad said he was going to be there and he wasnt. I would get upset with my mom and take it out on her but guess what she was also the one there for me to comfort me when he broke my heart. Yes, it was hard to go through. In the end I AM THE ONE who chose to cut my dad out of my life. My mom can not be the one blamed. She was the one there for me and tried to save the relationship between my father and I. He is the one to blame and because she did what she did he can never use that as an excuse. If she had cut him out of my life I may of grown up resenting her, blaming her, turning her into a villian when that wasnt the case. I hope this helps you in your decision.

Lisa - posted on 08/09/2009

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Hi Latonya

I am very sorry that u and ur son are going through this. Its always hard when our children hurt at the hand of others isnt it. I have 3 children that r teenagers now. I have been seperated for 4 years now and my ex is an alcoholic and an addict....hence the reason I left. Anyways he moved to a different province and didnt even tell his kids and told me he didnt care, if he didnt have a relationship with them he wasn't going to loose sleep over it. I asked him what kind of father says that...even when he was here he lied about seeing them to so I understand totally. I told the girls that their dad loved them and that he was going through alot in his life right now that he was unable to be there for them. They were obviously older than ur son but maybe something along those lines would help him to understand. It was better for my kids to hear that than to be dissapointed all the time when he didnt show up or whatever. As far as his family I have that to they have dissowned me and only call the girls every so often. The girls miss them and its hard to know what the right thing is there. I would say "u know what its important that he knows u but he needs to know that by u making an effort by calling him" So until his father can actually commit to seeing him then I wouldn't allow visits and tell him why. And even when he does want to come around for visits dont tell u r son then if his dad doesnt show up he wont have anything to be dissapointed about. I hope this has helped u and makes sense.

Lisa

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17 Comments

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Randywinsor - posted on 01/22/2014

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i think we need to just remove them as parents with any rights
my new parents, mrs winsor, will just cut of the dad and his
un reasonable family.

Amber - posted on 08/12/2009

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I agree that lying to your children is wrong. I could NEVER tell my child that her father doesn't want to see her however. What I do is simply tell him, "Well, you tell her yourself" and hand her the phone. Whatever excuse he gives her is just going to have to be good enough for the time being. He makes his own bed, and she realizes it now that she is old enough!

Keyta - posted on 08/12/2009

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Latonya i have a nine yr old daughter who will tell you she has seen her dad only once. It is painful to see your child wanting something that may not happen but as a mother you first rely on God, through prayer, to give you the strenght to cope and deal w the situation at hand and secondly give him the love and the attention that he needs and deserve. Kids are very smart so if you talk to him and give him satisfying answers he will understand. There is no harm in telling him the truth, they can handle it. Reassure him he is loved and it is not his fault. Remember its not about your relationship w his dad's family, its your son. Find out if he wants to meet or see his dad's family, you make the first step and see what happens. You will be suprise how it may turn out. In the end your child will come to appreciate the love you show and will forget about.... whats his face

Amber - posted on 08/11/2009

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That is WRONG! You should NEVER, EVER tell a child that their parent does not want to see them. Your son is going to need a counselor! OMG!

Ari - posted on 08/11/2009

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Im so sorry for your situation.When I was divorcing my husband, he also refused to see his son. But you should have clear conscious on this matter and think the best for your son. Girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife.. they can be other person in second. But there will be no ex son or ex daughter. I choose to speak frank with my ex. but as far as his son concern he will always be his son, no matter what. So, if the father doesnt wanna see his son, its his choice. Also the consequences. But you gotta be honest with your son. Tough love, that his dad dont wanna see him. Later on when he is old enough to think wise for himself, he will have to decide whether his dad is still important for him or not. Tough love dear Latonya. All the best!

Amber - posted on 08/11/2009

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I posted this for two other women tonight, and would like you to read it as well.

Hon, take it from someone who's been through it twice. Forget about it now, before he hurts your son, the way he's hurt you. It WILL happen. Someday your son will be old enough to understand....your ex is making his own bed with that child, but you have got to protect him while he's too young to understand. Start a journal for your child. Don't put anything mean and hateful about your ex in it, but tell your son in your daily entries, how much you love him, and give him reasons of why you have made this choice, and explain the guilt you feel. Explain everything that goes through your head without bashing your ex. Someday when your child is old enough to understand, you can show him the journal you made for him, and I guarantee he will see nothing but love, and have the utmost respect for you. Be the bigger man. Hold your ground. Love your child like there is no tomorrow. Protect him now.

Keli - posted on 08/11/2009

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to arlene kirks commment.. thank you!!! i wish more people would understand why even though my sons father is basically non existent unless i make the effort. even though that is horrible and lazy on his behalf.. my son will grow up and will have a choice and i dont want my son to be mad at me or resent me because i was "strong" and didnt let him see him.. im not trying to be the bad guy when my son gets older.. when he gets older hell know that i raised him on my own.. financially emotionally.. he will learn that one day on his own..

Arlene - posted on 08/10/2009

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O and to add to that...my mom never lied to me. If he didnt show she made him tell me why and she never made excuse for him.

MARY - posted on 08/10/2009

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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS YOU DO MY SON DAD DO THE SAME THING AND MY SON IS 4 YEARS OLD UR SON IS NOT MISSING OUT THEY ARE

Latisha - posted on 08/09/2009

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I think that these two women have given you great advice. The best way to counter this situation is to act like its not happening until your son is old enough to have this discussion with him. Or, for him to see for himself. I am also a single parent with a man who comes around when its convenient for him. And, that is usually when he has a new girlfriend he is trying to impress. Its sad but I have made the decision that he will not see them anymore because he is not a father to them. They have stopped asking about him and it makes it easier. I will say that it is a good sign that the dad's mom is asking you to bring the boy around. I think that you should open that line of communication up for visits with the grandma. You can try her out for a while and I am sure the she won't be as disappointing as he was. Go for it. You may find that you actually have someone in your corner.

Carmen - posted on 08/09/2009

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Hi. No do that, you know why because they do that to themself. I know is to lie to our kids but the trust is when they grow up they going to find out themself. I'm in the same situation has you, time to time he call and the kids to talk to him, when they were babies i tell them that he was busy.Them with the time they ask him he said the same thing. No talk bad about his father, tell him his daddy love him but sometimes is hard for him to see him. This is for the benefit of you baby. Even if his father is the way he is. Just be patient give him all the love you can posible give him and when he get older he going understand that what you doing for him is because you love him.

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