need a little help ladies please,

Jodie - posted on 03/27/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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have just broken up with my daughters father (AGAIN!!) tho this time i defo think its for good. Im feeling a little nervous to say the least as me and my daughter are back @ my parents house i know that this can be a good thing for me but really dont want to have to stay too long. ok so when i was dropping my daughter to a nursery near her fathers i then went to drop her clothes off 2 him as he was having her for a few nights he mentionted he wanted to go ahead with a trip to spain(which we were going to do the 3 of us together!!) but now he wants to take our daughter by himself, im finding this hard to accept as she is only 3, im not worried about her as i know she would be safe with him, since we have broken up im the one who takes her to him,his mothers ect. i dont think he realizies how accommdateing im being, he just chucks things in my face for example about "how childish i am questioning the trip, and that he knew this would happen." Am i wrong for feeling the way i do about it? I mean i take her to and from the nursery near his house(about a 20min drive away!!) am i being to accommdating / a push over?.

I would never stop him from seeing her because im not that kind of women, but he is starting to get to me.

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Felicia - posted on 03/28/2012

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Trust your gut! He is up to something-why would a man want to take a 3 year old by himself? Father or not. I would err on the side of caution and veto this and shut it down. In fact, I would not allow anymore visits by herself with him. Now this last statement, you know him, I don't, but his actions are suspect to me. As a mom, we are never wrong about the welfare of our children, and if it sounds crazy or fishy, it is. Damn all that keeping the baby from the Dad, none of us want to do that, but my son is more important than some anger or hurt feelings. Everyone does not love your child like you (the Mom) and people can change or rather reveal their true selves, that other half. So if he asks something crazy or out of character, no, me and mine will not be be participating.



If you are in the US, to travel outside of the US, your daughter has to have a passport. Does she have one yet? If not, just don't let her get one and she cannot travel with him anyway. If she does have a passport, just tell the Dad she can't go, and if you need reinforcements, well you might want to get a lawyer involved. Since you are not married to the Dad, I am assuming she lives with you; you are the custodial parent?. Custody is not something you have to prove or have in some paperwork on a regular basis. You do not have to prove this on any kind of basis to any entity on a regular basis. However, just by giving birth and taking care of her, you can demonstrate your rights as the custodial parent because she lives with you 100% of the time, you have bills, receipts, insurance, you have enrolled her in daycare or preschool or school, etc It can be proven with this information. The only person that does all of this is the primary custodial parent.



Now, if you have a child support case, such as I, the documents clearly state I have custody of my son, based on the fact that I birthed him, and I filed the support case; as you can only file a support case if you are the primary parent. The support documents are not what established my custody; custody was granted the day I gave birth and began taking care of him. These documents support what is already true.



Back to the passport. If there is a situation where you want to get a passport for your child, there is wording on the application that states both parents have to agree for the child to get the passport, and that the noncustodial parent (The Dad) will have to sign and give his permission as well. However, such as in my case: I am the custodial parent, and I do not communicate with my son's father on a regular, or rather, he does not make decisions for my child, so I did not feel I needed to communicate with him regarding a passport for my son, I do not do it for any other reason; I am the primary caregiver. Well the US Dept of State has a form where you write a statement if the noncustodial parent is unavailable to sign for whatever reason. So I know this was the situation for me. On the form, I basically stated what I said previously; the father is not in the child's life, I am the primary caretaker. All true. But the US Dept of State WANTS LEGAL proof, so they rejected my statement, although the information was true and correct. I did not get the passport. The passport info also provides examples of legal documentation, what is acceptable so you can get the passport. So my next step, I basically supplied the local family court with my child support docs, stated my situation about being the primary caretaker, etc...wrote all this up as an Order and a Motion for my child to travel internationally (my Dad is an attorney). Once the judge signed, I sent the Order to the US Dept of State and received the passport. If you know you are the primary caretaker, you do not have to ask the noncustodial's permission to get a passport for your child. It will be hard for a noncustodial parent to get a passport for the child because they cannot prove they are the primary caretaker. So, again, if you have no passport, just don't agree to get one if he presses you. If she does have one, tell him she cannot go and take the necessary stepts to protect your daughter. Outside of the passport, this was last year, my son is now 5, I have never had to prove I have custody or am the primary caretaker, to anyone. Good luck and trust your gut in terms of him remaining an EX-boyfriend, and allowing your daughter to travel outside the country.

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8 Comments

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Tara - posted on 03/30/2012

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To be honest I would not have my child out of state let alone country. I would get something court ordered. JMO

Jennifer - posted on 03/30/2012

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Well, I agree with you and the other mothers. It really does sound suspicious and even if you have custody, getting a child back from another country if she doesn't come back is very difficult (there was an ongoing story about that; I'm not even sure if the father got the child back yet, and it's been years). Whether or not he would do that, well, that's something only he knows, but I am glad that you aren't going to give in to his pressure. Ignore his remarks about you being childish just because you won't let him take her out of the country without you, especially since it isn't true.

Jodie - posted on 03/30/2012

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thanks for all your kind words, im going to stick with my gut feeling (so she will not be going!!) even if he thinks im being childish. I suppose i just wanted to confirm to myself that other mums would feel the same as i did when he asked me if he could still take her to spain. To be fair she has been with him 4 a few days and from the sound of it i think he may now realize that it wouldnt be such a good idea :)

Shakia - posted on 03/29/2012

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Honestly, without throwing you a speech or lecture, I think you shouldn't let him take your daughter. She is way too young to be travelling not just out of your city or state but out of the country of all places without you. Either go along or stand firm on not letting your baby go such a far distance without you. I don't care it it was just for 1 day!

Cole - posted on 03/28/2012

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Hi, wow, i hear all your concerns and i have been faced with the same problem before. I am not sure where you live but in Canada you must have a 'consent to travel' document. I was worried about my sons fathers parenting ability if he took him to travel and I wouldn't give the consent for him to take our son.

Here is a link

http://www.voyage.gc.ca/preparation_info...

Dawn - posted on 03/27/2012

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I wouldnt let him take her anywere without you. And especially that young. The one thing I would worry about, he seems dead set on taking her to Spain. I would not go through with that. He may be good enuff parent to her, but he may be up to something. I would be worried he may take her and not bring her back. It will be very hard for you to get her back if he takes her accross sea like that. I dont know this guy, you know him way better then I ever will. But, just the way he is treating you and getting up set when iyou question the trip, I would be really worried about what his true intentions are. My kids dont go anywere with their dads. I dont alow trips of any distance and if he wants them, I take them myself so I know were they are. He asked me a few times and I said no. He has never asked me again. I know you dont want to stop him from seeing her, and thats fine, but dont let him take off with her. Do you have court orders that you have full custody? If you dont, then it will be even harder if he doesnt bring her back. No you are not being a push over. You are a worried mother whos best interest is in your child. I do hope it all goes well for you. You are in my prayers.

Louise - posted on 03/27/2012

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I have a three year old and there is no way in high hell I would let her go on holiday without me father or not. A child this young needs to be around mum as this is her comfort person not dad. Sorry dads but its true. My husband takes my daughter out shopping to give me a break and she asks for me within a couple of hours and is glad to be home when she comes back, although she loves the attention from dad and they get on great. She is just more relaxed with me or both of us together.



I dont think you are being unreasonable to say hang on a minute, we are a package, she needs you as well. Going to spain is a major trip for a little one let alone leaving mum behind.



As for being to accomodating that is up to you to decide. As far as I see it mums get the rough end of the stick when separated. Let him run around and fetch his daughter and share in her child care routines. Thats what parenting is all about!

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