Need advice on custody issues. Scared and new at this.

Amelia - posted on 09/08/2009 ( 94 moms have responded )

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Hi! I'm new here. My daughter is 2.5 years old and her father and I split about a month ago. I have always stayed home with her so she moved me with to my parents house. Her father and I had been doing ok with communicating about her and her needs, etc. But lately he has been very hostile. He won't answer the phone to talk to her or say goodnight to her. He's only seen her 3 days out of the last month. Today he sent me a text message saying that he wants to pick her up on Thursday night and that he'll be with his grandparents. He will not tell me which grandparents, where they are going or what time she will be back home. He says its none of my business and that I can't legally keep her from seeing him. I'm seeking legal advice but I'm really not comfortable with him just taking her at this point. He won't give me any information and his mother is a recovering addict and I don't want her around my daughter. What should I do? I've given up on communicating with him because he simply cannot be civil. I do not feel my daughter would be safe with him but I'm not sure what I can do before we actually go to court. Does anyone have any advice? Please help.

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Kirsty - posted on 05/09/2013

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Me and my son moved away for a couple if months due to constant arguing since me and his dad split we are moving back and have been offered to stay with my friend until we get a place I have always had my son his father is not happy with the living arrangement and wants my son to stay with him until I get a house does he have the right not to let me have my son back?

Tamara - posted on 11/17/2013

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Name is tamara my husband seperated 8 yrs came to the dss office for a visit of the kids said he would bring my girls back at 7pm that afternoon calls me ar 6 30 im not bringing them back now he has them in buffalo ny refuses ti give them back tels me get a place of your own and i will give them back now he says i have to go through the court its out of his hands my oldest told me today mommy if the judge asks who I want to stay with im a say you she doesnt want to be there i have had them all their life hes mad because i moved around but it was for good reasons like shootings and need advice to what can i do to get them back please never had christmas without my girls and hes being spiteful no job no house but he can keep them from the one that has been raising them all their life hes also mad because ive moved on he still wants me he was abusive n a crack head i need some good advice sincerely frustrated heartbroken mom

Rain - posted on 05/15/2013

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If the mother of the child is 19 year old and the father is 19 years old but, the mother of the of the child lives with her parents and the father of the child liaaves with his parents and the baby goes to the father house but the father's house is an unsafe environment,and everyone knew this mother , father and grandparents on both sides and the baby gets hurt at the fathers house who will get in trouble

Amelia - posted on 09/11/2009

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Thank you, everyone so much for your responses! Things have escalated in some degrees (not on my part) and some things are getting better. I have kept cool, calm and collected at all times and refuse to feed into his games. He got fired from his job yesterday and also verbally attacked my mother. When he was confronted about the episode by his boss he said that I had provoked him with text messages. Not true, and I can prove it now because I have saved every single text exchange, every e-mail, everything. The only times I have ever contacted him directly pertain to our daughter and her well being, nothing else. He still wants to fight with me (and apparently my mother) over why the relationship is over but I refuse to fuel his fire. To conclude, everyone is telling me that I'm doing the right thing and to just stay strong. I really appreciate everyone's advice and I hope that you'll pray or at least keep your finger crossed for me and my daughter in dealing with this highly angry individual.

Christina - posted on 01/14/2011

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Legally he does not have to tell you where he is taking your daughter. However, he does have to tell you when he will be returning her. He could be trying the "possession is 9/10 of the law" deal. However, if there is no court order, you don't have to legally give your daughter to him. Tell him when he is ready to be civil with you and give you information, he can come pick up his daughter. Until then, file for emergency custody of your daughter. I paid $100 to do this and it was granted the same day. Our custody hearing was 6wks later, and I was awarded custody.

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John - posted on 03/25/2014

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Is there a current order in place? Sorry to say but he's right, you have no right to know anything that they are doing unless you can show that the child is truly in harms way or going to be. If there is no order in place, better get one. But it sounds to me like you've got a fight on your hands. You don't mention that he's abusive to the child, or you for that matter; just hostile. If he wants to take the child out of town, you have no recourse in even asking when they will be back. You are in a catch 22 situation if you don't have an order in place.

The order is important as it defines the parameters of when he can take her and when to have her back. However you can't stop him from taking her around grandparents; sorry, and if you try you will end up looking very bad in the courts eyes. As long as the father is clean, and not leaving the child with anyone who is questionable you have no recourse.

So I short; get an Oder in place, and don't worry about what you can't change. I'm not going to sugar coat it or give tips on how to; try and buck the system, it doesn't work and you look bad in the end. Just hard truths and facts from this end.

Monica - posted on 03/15/2014

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my daughters dad has custody of my daughter he refuses to let me see her even though I pay child support and I offer to give him gas money to bring her the last time I saw her was three weeks before Christmas right now he is using legal aid to try and get custody of his other children and because he's using legal aidI cannot go through them for help trying to modify my visitations I work for a fast food company I do not make a lot of money I cannot afford a lawyer I don't know what I should do

Lori - posted on 03/05/2014

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Please I need some help also, ok here's what's going on, when my daughter was 4 years old I had been moving so I didn't see her for 1 month, when I called to see her, her father told me I could not see/take her. (Ok at this time I was using drugs) so I of course got scared when he said this that if I tried to fight with him about i t I would go to jail,(yes I know I was wrong for everything I did) but because I was on drugs I thought she would be better off with her dad, so now is 10 years later and I just started talking with my daughter again so I found out he is doing some pretty bad things Now(drug, getting arrested for drinking and driving and more) ok so my question is, do I still have parents rights to my daughter after not seeing/talking to her for 10 years? If anyone knows this question please write me back please(and yes I am clean now and have been for almost 4 years now) please I very worried about where he's been leaving my daughter, I'm very scared for her well-being so if you know this answer please let me know as soon as possible, oh and this would be California USA laws. Thank you, please help.

Delores - posted on 02/04/2014

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So scared does anyone know north Carolina custody lawyer who can help me on terms

Erin - posted on 01/19/2014

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I would go to mediation..
Set a schedule on when he will come by to visit or pick up your daughter
But tell him it had to be consistent every week
It's not fair to your daughter to have a father come and go as he wants
What fits for him
And the judge will agree..
Been there myself ..
Tell him if he misses any arranged appt with out a proper life threatening excuse
then he will be signing sole rights to u.. And get this done at a mediation at the courthouse
Cause then it legally binding!!!
U can't seat there and let his controlling ways and self dictate your life or your daughters..
He sounds very unstable and not very responsible
The judge will frown on him..
And he may try to threaten u with the police coming..
Let them come
They rnt gonna take his side.
Just remember a journal kept on the events that happen between u and father are very important
Try to take notes record events and language used..

Gennine - posted on 01/11/2014

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you - posted 9 minutes ago

Hi there I just wondered if you can help me I live in uk and I am a single mother I we separated over a year ago now because of his aggressive nature and split personality I suffered follow for 9 years with him thinking he would change then I had my lil girl now for the first 6 months I could not stand how nasty he was so I done my day with my lil baby girl and got her ready for bed and of to sleep then some evenings id get ready and pop and see a friend yet one day popped out and she was awake now id never seen him harm her or do any thing silly but id seen him lose his temper if she would cry to much and shout but normally at me never at her so I trusted him with her I came back to find thst he had her in the bath and had walked out round the corner to living room at this point she is 9 months old I then notice a huge hand print smack mark o n her bum when I asked what he done he said she was old enough to not drown her self and he smacked her bum coz she stood up in the bath I was livid now 2 days later I left him its now a year on and I allow him to see her but never alone I go with him and he takes her to a ball pit I dont get ininvolved I just watch or read a book but he is hostile and nasty to me every time he dont want to listen to her routine he ignores whatever I say about her I take no money from him or want any money from him yet once a month he buys a buy her a pack or nappies or baby bath stuff he complains about having to take her there and says he cant afford it yet its 4.50 once a week he lives with his parents and has no resposibiltys and he also wants his parents to meet her which she has never met through there choice they did not want to no her and wished her dead when she was born also said she was not his now I am happy for him to see her but not alone not till she is old enough to let someone no whats wrong as she us only 2 and a half and I just cant trust him I have herd him so many time say he will smack her but now he has contacted mediation to try get her over night can any one help me or tell me my rights please x

Shelley - posted on 11/12/2013

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Hi on march 2013 i stoped contact with my son and his father because his father got him 3 overnights and that was fine with me but then i started finding out that his father wasnt taking him it was his mother and his mother drinks every night i was getting reports from my sons nursery saing that my son was falling asleep on couches so i said to my wee boys dad that he wasnt staying over night so threw arguments contact stop untill wee went to lawyers and my boys dad agreed to a wednesday and saturday 4.30-7.30 wich is 6 hours per week so thats been fine since june and now i got a letter in saying he wants to take me to court my sons dad lost his job a couple a months ago and now he hasnt got a job he was saying he will get legal aid and get his 3 nights back can u give me advise on this as my lawyer has not got back to me ?

Irene - posted on 11/07/2013

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My son is 12 and I have legal coirt documents re viaitation n child support. My son wants to be with my ex more than he does with me.. I do not want to force my son to have to stay with me when he doesnt but I do not thk my ex is a good influence on him. He tells my son I am crazy n inhad two bad relationahips n threatens me re them. I am of the relationships..I went to hospital 3 times because of depression issues n medication issues.. I see mytheripist n ppsychiatrist n have been doing everything to try and improve my issies but he threatens to take him from me..dyfs was called n they felt no..need to keep case open n I am the costodial.parent n drs. n theripist had no concern over my issues ... but my ex is saying thgs to my son because he doesnt want to.pay child aupport. Also he is suppose to be paying me more child support then I take from him. He signed a notorizes letter n we went to court n we agreed to the amount so.I do have documents. If he keeps giving me problems should o go to xoirt re. Him with visitation n baxk child support.

Jennifer - posted on 01/16/2011

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he has no rights to her without court papers until than do not send her if you do and he doesnt send her back you can be in some trouble cause than you have to go to court and it could take mos or even a yr before you get her back make sure you save everything and keep everything he has to tell you when hes gonna bring her back where and who hes gonna be with and if he doesnt than say you cant have her you are her custodial parent and primary caregiver with or without those papers those papers are you and your daughters safety security.. good luck!!

Tiffany - posted on 09/15/2009

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if you havent been to court yet and dont have any court orders then you have all rights to not hand her over..

i went through this with my daughters father. he asked to have her one night, and he took her for 6 wks and there was nothing i could do.. i just had to let her go for that long, and as soon as i got her back i went and fought my butt off till i got full custody..

you sound like you are strong, you can fight hard and keep your daughter safe..

Rachel - posted on 09/15/2009

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i talked with my lawyer and a councillor about this and they said that if he is being verbaly abusive to not talk to him and to not let him see our daughter. I told him this and he smartened up really fast. Journal every time he takes her, every time you talk to him, and journal when he asks to she her and your reasons for not allowing visits. when you go to a judge you can show him why you did not alow visits. until custody is set up no one has any rights but they will look to see if you are being resonable with visit and if not the reasons why.



tell him if he wants visits he can come over and see her, have a large male friend or family member there for support if you dont want to be alone with him. good luck!

Teresa - posted on 09/14/2009

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I understand your situation your in. Me and my son's father has split up about 4 months ago and i will not let him see our son by himself. His father has a drinking problem and when i was preganent with our son he got his 3 dui and i tried to get the keys from him and instead of getting the keys to me he decided to try hitting me 3 different times in a dodge truck. I decided after 2 years of all the abuse that he gave me I decided to leave him and now he does not want to see our son here at my parents house he wants to see him on his own and I will not let him see him. He does threaten me to take me to court and i just keep telling him please do so. We were never married and i have talked to my lawyer and he told me that I do not have to let him see the father due to his record of in and out of jail. All you are doing is pretecting the child and her welfare that is what cps will say to you. Good luck to you.

Isobel - posted on 09/14/2009

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You should (for your own sake in court) let him see her...but not without a written agreement about the EXACT time she is to return. Unfortunately he doesn't have to tell you where or with who, but time is a definite issue...

good luck. I remember this exact situation and I know how scary it is and how hard to stay strong for your little girl. Things do calm down...it just takes some time :)

Amy - posted on 09/14/2009

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You are the parent just as much as he is. If there is no court order stating when and for how long he gets visitation then you are not obligated to let him take the baby overnight. He is wrong when he says you don't need to know where he is with the child. You NEED to know where the child is at all times. However, that could simply mean knowing his phone number so that you can get in touch with him when he has the baby. BUT, there is no reason why he can't let you know the name of the town and the days of the week he will be there. If something happens to the baby while he has her you will want to have as much information as possible. Unless there is a court order allowing him to have visitation you are not obligated to let him take the baby out of your supervision and between you and me - I wouldn't do it. The whole situation screams of funny business. Something might happen if you are not there.

Marianne - posted on 09/14/2009

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You are absolutley right to want to know where ur child is going. At the end of the day the courts would not be too favourable on you as a mother if you let your child go anywhere with anyone. It is best to discuss yoiur situation to a family law solicitor but make sure that they are very good with family law. At the end of the day you need to make your situation perfectly clear that your first thing is the happiness and safety of your child. its not easy I've been in your situation but hold tough and do what is best for your child and then you.

Terri - posted on 09/14/2009

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only let ur little girl go with ur x when u feel 100% about it

if he gives u no information on where she will b then u dont have to give her to him

there is no court order in place so it is all down to u and what is safe for ur little one

i think all men should see there children but not when they give no information on where that child will b or when a father just walk in and out of that childs life when he feels like it, ur little girl is still very young so if he do not show up on a reg bases then she will forget him so i say for now stick to he see her at ur address with people there untill ur sure he will b there for her and not a part time dad who is there one min and not the next

also keep a diary of days and time he call or visit the child this will show the courts what sort of father he is weather he`ll b one to stand by his child or in and out of her life

Leah - posted on 09/14/2009

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I have a semi similar situation and I can tell you this. He must give you a time he will have your daughter back. My ex has standard visitation which means he can pick up my son on Thursday's at 6 and he must be home by 8. and every other weekend he is to pick him up at 6 on Friday and have him home by 6 on Sunday. Now he hasn't seen him since the beging of July. I too do not trust my ex due to some cercumstances in his life. I have learned that if there aren't any papers filed and signed by a judge you can just not be home when he tries to come pick up your daughter. There is nothing he can do if your simply not at home at that time. I am not sure if this will help you or not but good luck.

Nicole - posted on 09/13/2009

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Quoting Amanda:

I agree with Jessica. I just went through all this stuff with my ex, who is a recovering alcoholic and drug user himself. When we first seperated I had custody and he didn't get to see them until there was a court order in place. You have every legal right to keep her from her dad if you feel he is either going to harm her, or take her and not bring her back. I suggest you go to court and file a restraining order until a court hearing. I'm all for dad's seeing their kids too, and lately i've offered my ex 50% now that he has been clean for a couple years (I have 82 %, he has 18% right now.) and he turned it down. Who knew, but whatever. So, good luck, but the judge will look kindly on your requests of custody if you act first if you feel your daughter is in any danger at all.



I went thru similar issues as Amanda, My ex was an alcoholic drug addict who was not a responsible parent by any stretch of the imagination. I was awarded  full custody, and he was supposed to lodge a request with the Family Law Court here in Australia regarding visitation times, places etc, he never did and as such, he has no legal right to the child as he also ( very stupidly) terminated his parental rights. Child Support still had to be paid until my son turns 18, yet 6 years on, i am yet to recieve a cent. My ex has not seen my son since he was a baby, and i prefer it that way, as i do not want my son exposed to the drug culture he exists in, nor do i want him exposed to the alcohol abuse. There were also issues with Physical abuse by my ex towards me. My advice is to get legal advice now, document everything, and follow anything your legal team reccommends. Follow your instinct, but keep it within a legal framework.

Jenni - posted on 09/13/2009

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You have the right as the mother to know where your daughter is at all times. Yes, legally you can't stop him . . . but, you do not have court papers that state that you have to give your little girl to him. If I were you, I would let him see her at your discresion, until the court papers are finalized. Make sure that it states in your court papers that he has to inform you of where he is going to be taking her. Why is he saying that he'll be with his grandparents? Does he not have his own place? He has to have a place to live, or cannot have her. She needs stability. I certainly hope that he is paying you some support? If not, you can use that against him when you go in front of a hearings officer. If he is hostile with you, record your conversations with him. Don't let him be aware that you are doing that. The recordings will not be admissable in court, but a hearings officer will listen to them. You usually go in front of a hearings officer before a judge. Whatever you do, speak up! Let your attorney know what your concerns are. No divorce is easy . . . I've been divorced twice. His hostility will get him nowhere. It will be hard, but you have to be the level headed one. When he runs his mouth, let him. Bite your tongue. Remember, your daughter will have more respect for you knowing that you stayed civil. He will lose out in the long run. I know from experience. You just have to be strong!

Ann - posted on 09/13/2009

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This is your daughter, if any other member of your family were acting in the same way I bet you would not hand her over. Firstly you CAN legally stop him from seeing her and if he is unwilling to give ALL details in writing such as address's and places he will be taking her and times of pick up and drop off well he has no right to her at all. Stick to your guns, do not get into ANY conversation with him without a trusted witness,stay cool at all times never react especially when he is deliberately winding you up, get crystal clear on the ground rules, write them down for yourself, state the ground rules to him ie giving you details of where he will be with your daughter, who will be in her company, rules such as no drinking or drug taking while he has your daughter and the most important if he insists on being hostile towards you, you will not communicate with him.

I told the father of my 2 children to apply to the family law courts if he wanted access I wasnt being mean I just wanted the family law courts to be involved because its all on record, he made major blunders and because of this he was refused custody and eventually he denied himself access because he was so irresponsibile, all his own doing, I always wanted my children to know their father and see him regularly but he messed it up all by himself! I just made sure I was there for my children when he didnt show up and when he stopped seeing them. Another thing and this is very important if yo dont want your daughter to grow up hating you or her father and having bad relationships, NEVER EVER BAD MOUTH HER FATHER IN HER COMPANY, NEVER ARGUE WITH HIM WHILE SHE IS IN EAR SHOT AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER HE HAS NOT GOT YOUR DAUGHTER THEREFORE HE HAS NO POWER OVER YOU OR HER. Set boundaries, if he breaks them then he looses all.

I hope this is of some help. I went through 20 years of hell with the father of my 2 children I made all the mistakes including all the above and only learned the right approach after many heartbreaking horrendous situations that scarred my children, but I know I did my very best with the knowledge I had at the time.
Good luck
Many blessings
Ann

Tara - posted on 09/13/2009

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With out a court order he can keep her and not give her back. It took my ex going to jail again to get custody of my son. File and get a court order before you let her go or you may play hell getting her back.

[deleted account]

i also forgot to mention, although i think we have already established this... "in the absence of a court order, the primary caregiver may excercise custody"... again this is the law in alberta perhaps its different elsewhere, but it means that without a court order the primary caregiver (the mom in MOST cases) has custody... so without a court order, if a working father takes a child from his stay at home wifey, well.. he is in some big trouble

[deleted account]

The problem (well one of the problems) with the system is, and perhaps its different where im from (AB canada), but the problem is the 'friendly parent rule' right? "Whichever parent is more willing to facilitate access shall be granted custody". That has to do with the fairly new concept of parental alienation and the corresponding lack of knowledge about parental alienation in the court system. So, this means that the more willing you are to let ur ex have access, the more of a 'friendly parent' you look like. Boo... So, if there is a fear he will take off with your kid, deny access but get into court to see a judge asap. Explain your fears, using whatever evidence or notes you have, but make sure not to look vindictive or malicious by saying 'of course i want him to have parenting time, I just feel it is in everyone's best interests to have an order in place first so that, in these emotional and difficult times, no one goes and does something irrational that they may regret.' Keep in mind that the courts focus (and obviously yours as well) should be 'the best interests of the child'. In many custody situations, mine included and perhaps yours as well, a court order is necessary to reduce conflict and provide stability for your child.

Kate - posted on 09/13/2009

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ok, i've divorced 1st husband with a 4 month old. lawyers won't give you the advice you are looking for. trust your instincts throughout the whole process. don't let him take your child, and if he shows up call 911 or have the local police number on your cell. also, you can have police do like a 'wellness' check if he somehow does have your baby and you are worried about their welfare.like if he calls you freaking out and saying anything that could be percieved as unstable. keep strong! only a court ruling can make you agree to letting him see your child. and you are your own best lawyer. the other ones cost money. lots of money.

Annie - posted on 09/13/2009

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Just so you know..child support and custody are completely seperate. aperson can be ordered to pay child support, and not awarded visitation. The fact of the matter is, if he doesn't have a court order giving him specific times and days witht he child you DO NOT have to let her go. It is that simple. If he wants visitation and is unwilling to provide you with an address and phone # to where your child will be, then he will have to file a motion for visistation. Without that, he has no legal right to take her. Now, if you let her go with him without a court order stating when he is to return her, then he can keep her and you would have to take him to court. Get a lawyer, Immediately.

Letitia - posted on 09/13/2009

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Without court orders he has no legal right to take her anywhere or for that matter no legal right to return her to you, if you were to let him take her then he didnt return her you would have to fight through the court system to get her back which can take a long time, if he failed to eturn her with a court order you would have to apply to the court for a recovery order which is usualy done a lot quicker, let the father know that you want court orders put in place that way both you and he know when your daughet is to have contact with him and it will also give you some peace of mind when she is with him that he will return her. It doesnt take children long to get into the routine of which parent they are with on a particular day, so much easier for all involved...The most important thing is of you feel that your daughter wont be safe in his care, DONT let him take her, you can explain to the courts why you felt so strongly about this when orders are put in place. Try to have it stipulated in the orders that you are to know of the address where you daughter will be staying while in the fathers care, if they are going on holidays the date of departure and arrival back and a contact number for where they will be staying...hope this helps

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2009

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I agree with Jessica. I just went through all this stuff with my ex, who is a recovering alcoholic and drug user himself. When we first seperated I had custody and he didn't get to see them until there was a court order in place. You have every legal right to keep her from her dad if you feel he is either going to harm her, or take her and not bring her back. I suggest you go to court and file a restraining order until a court hearing. I'm all for dad's seeing their kids too, and lately i've offered my ex 50% now that he has been clean for a couple years (I have 82 %, he has 18% right now.) and he turned it down. Who knew, but whatever. So, good luck, but the judge will look kindly on your requests of custody if you act first if you feel your daughter is in any danger at all.

Autumn - posted on 09/12/2009

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No the police can't and won't do anything. But like the last person said..keep a log of everything! when he gets the baby..how long..where..all of that. You need to get into court before he gets you in there. Otherwise you may end up looking like the bad guy instead of a woman trying to protect her child!

Carlisa - posted on 09/12/2009

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i understand my ex husband is still that way. the best the thing i could tell you to do is that u need 2 get the courts involved. start filing motions and WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN you don't need a lawyer to file to request a visitation schedule and mediation that way if he is going to act a fool someone from the courts can document it. and request that action be taken immediately and i agree with Jessica. Dont let him have her, meet him @ a playground during rush hour if he wants to see her. u know when rush hour is right? when ALL the parents are @ the playground. get on the internet and start looking up parents rights and go from there. if u need more help hit me up cuz im still going through this we started when my daughter was 2 and she is 4 now but im a veteran.... we should talk.

[deleted account]

Without a court order the police can't do anything. This is true. Keeping a child from a parent will look bad in court. This is true. But Amelia says he refuses to tell her when he is bringing her back or where he is going. If there is a fear the other parent will take off with the child do not give the child to them. Go immediately to the court house. Every situation is different...

Autumn - posted on 09/12/2009

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Thats not true. You do have to give her to him and he doesn't need a court order. If he decides to take you to court you could get in some trouble for keeping him from her. Trust me I know it sucks and I know how it feels to want to keep your baby away from him but legally, unless you can prove without a doubt that the child is in danger, you don't have much of a choice. I'd take him to court asap and request supervised visitation before he can get you into court. It seems like a total mess and a game but you have to think of that baby not the issues with you and him. I'm in the same boat right now. I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a great lawyer. I was advised on what I can and can't do and what I should and shouldn't do. NOW, having said that, if you don't persue childsupport there is a way around that. If he is NOT paying child support you do NOT have to let him see the baby. It's not a fun thing to go thru and I so feel your pain but be smart and think with your head not with your heart. Its hard and this is only the start of it.

[deleted account]

When I was in ur situation i trusted my ex. The next time I saw my daughter was when a judge ordered him to return her. DO NOT let the same thing happen to you, my daughter was about the same age as urs too and u know what? It was the hardest thing ever not to be able to see her for that time... Legally, without a court order well, possession is nine tenth of the law. Meaning, if you let him take ur kid and he is a legal guardian (which he is) then only a court order will bring your child back. The cops cant do nothing without one. So, if you are having doubts.. get a court order ASAP. Its a hard road ahead, but you have to do it :)

Kristen - posted on 09/12/2009

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Because he is saying that it is none of your business where your daughter goes, or who she is with, that should send red flags up don't you think? If you were never married, legally, you don't have to give your daughter to him. And if he threatens to call the police, then you can tell them that you fear for her safety, and that there is no documentation about visitations. It is very important right away to set up a court date for custody and visitations. I would fight for full custody. I would deff have child support set up through the courts as well, because it would seem like he would be the type to skip some weeks. Do not hesitate! I honnestly know from experience. My daughter's father and I were never together, so when she was born, I imediatley went to the child support office and got things started. You can set up visitations through them as well if your city/state does that. He seems to have anger issues, so you may want supervised visitations until he takes some anger management classes. Take every messure neccessary to ensure safety. The import thing here is not his and yours relationship with each other, but your all's relationship with your child. You must be civil in front of your daughter no matter how awkward it gets (trust me I know). Discuss all matters privatley and never in the same room or building for that matter. When going to court leave her at a relatives so she wont be involved. Let him know that it is unhealthy for him to be going in and out of her life. It IS important for her to have him in his life, but he had better want to and not feel like he has to. There are plenty of other men out there who would love to be a father to her. I do appologize for maybe going to far with this post, but I have seen this happen to my sister and best friend, and these stories really bother me.

Shanna - posted on 09/12/2009

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You dont have to give her to him. If I were you, I would wait for court.

Annie - posted on 09/12/2009

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The only thing you can do is make sure you can legally keep her from him until he has a schedule in place and is prepared to communicate civilly. I have ben going through a huge custody battle for almost five years now. My daughter is six, and it has been going on since she was one!! Is there a court ordered parenting plan in place?? If not..you are her mother and legally you can keep her from him until he gets a court order stating otherwise. If there is a court ordered parenting plan in place, then legally you can't keep her from him. If there is no parenting plan in place yet you do not have to let him pick her up and take her out of your supervision. Until we got a parenting plan in place my ex would see her twice a week and I made it my responsibility to bring my daughter to him, I would drop her off for two hours and go back and pick her up..He was not allowed to keep her overnight until she was 2 anyway. Maybe, that is something he would agree to..See if you would be allowed to drop the child with him, and pick her back up when you are ready..Hope that helps..I can tell you now in NH most of the judges in family court are advocates for father's rights, and if they percieve you to be just another statistical crazy ex who is using the child to get back at the ex, be careful, they will give him full custody. Believe me, I am speaking whole heartedly from experience.

Jacquie - posted on 09/12/2009

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Hello Amelia! Of course you need to get an attorney, and it depends on what state you live in....BUT...in my custody agreement it clearly states that my ex-husband cannot take my daughter anywhere without telling me where they will be and cannot take her out of state without my written permission. If you have fears for your daughter's safety, that is what should take precedence. Do not try to deal with your husband on your own - do everything by the book.

Vaunda - posted on 09/11/2009

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Hi Amelia! YOU have physical custody of your daughter. His first mistake was to walk out. His second was to stop talking to you and your daughter. His third was to start making unsafe decisions on her behalf. If he shows up at your residence, call the police. Let the officers know there is a legal proceeding pending. Have the lawyer provide you with court documentation to show the officers. The smartest thing you have done so far is to protect your daughter and take care of her. Now that you are staying with your parents, he has no legal right to be on their property. They can have him arrested for trespassing and seek a restraining order against him preventing him from coming near their home. Talk with your lawyer regarding supervised visitations for your daughter and her father. This enables the courts to determine if he is a safe person for your daughter to be around. Remember, the ball is in your court. He is full of hot air and he knows it! My son's father tried all kinds of stunts, including ones in court! Focus on taking good care of your daughter and let this sad individual fall into his own pile of smelly poo! Good Luck!

Kelli - posted on 09/11/2009

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everyone is right.. until you go to court you do not have to let him see her.. and if you choose to let him see her he should be man enough to give you the information you deserve as a parent.. it is your right.. when you go to court you need to be sure to tell the judge about his mother and how you dont want your daughter around the mother.. and you need to put everything in your words and your terms.. the judge will more than likely side with you considering he is being unreasonable and irresponsible... but there is nothing he can do until you and him go to court...

Michelle - posted on 09/11/2009

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First off let me say that I am sorry you and your daughter have to go through this.



If you don't have a court order as of yet there are no parameters that say you HAVE to let him have her, especially if there could be possible dangers to her. Have him come to your house or a neutral place like a park to see her for now. I recommend securing an attorney immediately if not sooner, especially if recently he isn't responding to communications when he did before. I will also be adamant in saying, "DOCUMENT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING"! It may sound tedious and you may think it not neccessary but in the future (and that means till your daughter is 18) you may need it. I don't know what state you are in; I'm in Wisconsin. I went through a nasty divorce 6 years ago (my daughters were 6 & 9)...he started out nice enough and came across as willing to communicate and cooperative but that changed quickly. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best for your little girl.

Lavonya - posted on 09/11/2009

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If he won't give you any info. DO NOT SEND HER!! My daughter's father did that mess about 3 weeks ago and would not bring her home and she is 14. If you don't feel comfortable let her stay home and if he comes to your parents house call the police. They can't make you give him the baby and the same case if he has her. He probably already knows this that's why he asked if he could come get her. If you gave him permission it's not kidnapping but if he takes her and you don't know it is. You are doing right by getting legal advice. Do whatever you have to to protect your child now. Don't wait like I did and have to go through a lot of BULLSHIT!!

[deleted account]

Im currently 5 months pregnant and spoke to my solicitor about custody and stuff as the dad and I do no longer communicate. She said that here in Australia there is no such thing as custody these days anymore. It's called "shared parenting". You can't just go straight to court either anymore. You have to mediate and set up a parenting plan. IF that mediation fails, you will get a certificate from the mediator saying you have attended mediation, but no agreements have been reached. It is then that you go to court and and ask the magistrate to put orders in place.



In the meantime I agree with the other ladies, do not give him your child if he does not want to tell you where he is. He could give you details, but how do you know for sure if he's telling you the truth?

Denise - posted on 09/10/2009

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I would not allow the father to take her until you have court documents. That said, offer to meet him in a public place, perhaps over lunch or something you're comfortable with so that he has an opportunity to see your child ... and so that you do not "appear" to be keeping him from seeing her. Remember, how you handle situations now will come up later as you go thru the custody process. Do what's in the best interest of your daughter. Given the father's behavior, it does not sound like he is doing what's in her best interest right now and that is your primary concern. Stay strong and good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 09/10/2009

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you need to file a parenting plan asap!!!! If the child is in no danger and your not afraid of the father packing up and taking her to another state then unfortantly you will need to let him see her. It sucks but the father can take her to his mothers house as long as there have never been any real issues the judge will allow it. You can get in trouble for not letting him see her. My suggestion is let her go but have a specific time he needs to drop her off and a number he can be reached at if he does not follow those rules then call the police and get a report. but i would get on a parenting plan fast. Good luck

Erika - posted on 09/10/2009

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dont stress first of all... i know easier said than done but things will be okay... i would not allow my daughter to go if i were you... as being a parent you need all the who what where whens and whys! he sounds like he is being pretty shady and if i were you i would talk to child support enforcement division or possible a public defender. you need to set up supervised visits for awhile... its going to make your x mad but at the same time it will show the courts that he isn't serious about being a dad specially if he has only seen her 3 times in the last month... a social worker will set up days and times and come get your child and return her to you after he has maybe lunch or goes the play ground or something but your daughter wont b able to leave the social workers sight! maybe after he can prove himself for a few months then he could try un-supervised and possibly overnight stays

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