need help/support leaving my babys father

Nichole - posted on 06/06/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi my names nichole im 23 and my son dominiq will be 1 on thursday June 10.....Me and my bf have been together for 4 years we live together with my grandparents....We have never had a "healthy" relationship we have major issues with trust(hes cheated a few times...that i know of im sure its been more times) anyway weve been fighting alot and sometimes its been infront of the baby and he gets scared and cries i tell my bf to calm down not to yell infront of baby he doesnt care.... Hes not helping out financially at all back in september he moved out for 6 months and when he did i started getting assistance from the state to help pay 4 daycare and things bc he wont pay childsupport....hes pissed he donest think he needs 2 pay bc his mom buys diapers and wipes for the baby he dosnt understand theres alot more to it than diapers and wipes..hes good with the baby he plays with him but he has no patience for him at all he yells at him and doesnt get it that hes a baby! He started working about a month ago, still not paying any child support so i asked him if he could split the cost of swimming lessons with me and he said "maybe if i have the mloney" that really pissed me off bc he has the money anyway that day he came home with tints on his car windows($300) the next day bought a new cell phone ($175) so now im livid his son is supposed to come b4 anything he wants for himself..he didnt NEED to get either one...anyway im on a waiting list for a nice apartment complex we were supposed 2 move into together but bc of the way hes acting now i didnt put him on the application,just my son and I . The problem is I dont want him living here at my grandparents house anymore but the problem is if he leaves here he doesnt have anywhere to go and he will lose his job bc he doesnt have a license(he works with my stepdad and he picks him up n drops him off everyhday) another reason i was so pissed about the car windowns cuz he cant even drive the damn thing!! And everyones like who cares thats his problem wich is tru and its not like any of his money from working is going to his son...So really im not sure what im asking exactly i just need some advice what all you mothers think i should do.....i know i need to leave him i know thats whats best for the baby but im honestly scared to be a single mom and i know i cant be sellfish like that but i dont know what to do....please help me!!

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Maricela - posted on 06/06/2010

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I agree with Nicole..No one knows how difficult life can be until it's like that for you. Life isn't about you or him, it's about this child. Children understand whats going on at a very young age, and the longer they are in situations like these, the more the damage is. It's always hard to be alone w/ a child or more. No one likes being a single mom so sometimes we stick around to cover up. But the best thing to do is to move on and deal with it. Im single and Ive seen what im up against, in the long run I know I will be ok, for now I will take care of my lovely girls and live a happy healthy life without a man who did nothing but hurt us. GOD is great and he is the one that can truly help you. Forget about this man, because the more you allow his behavior the more he will keep on taking advantage. Good luck n GOD bless

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Pauline - posted on 06/07/2010

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youve took the first step by saying you want him out...........dont keep it to your-self tell your grand-parents and step-father whats going on and what you want.... gran p may ask him to move as its their home and step-f may be able to help by having a word to him about support .............. if that fails contact child support agency and let them take over ,,,,,tell them his name,,national insurance number , place of work if you know how much he earns how he is paid weekly/monthly and they will tell you options ..... go onto a site called .c.s.a. child support and follow instructions you can roughly work out how much he has to pay per week,,,,,,,,,, good luck hope this helps

Bridgette - posted on 06/07/2010

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Is it possible your afraid of being alone? Thinking, he will change?

I agree with what was said about reading your own post!

sometimes, we already have the answers to our own questions, we just want someone to say its o.k or for the best!

your a mom now, as hard it it is going to be, you have to know what's best for you and your child.

it seems like you already know, your afraid to take the step, yes, its big but, its for the best!

you have stated some pretty scary signs of classic abuse, how it begins!

to you and your child!



it starts with the yelling and if he isn't patient with him, who knows what he will do if he cant handle his crying?

im not saying he is a bad person, a monster that would hurt a baby on purpose but, I have seen this so many times in the papers. mothers leaving the baby with daddy and they come home to I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED....



if he has no patience, please don't leave ur son with him.

I know that we just want them to spend time with "DADDY" and have "DADDY" be part if thier life, sometimes, it isnt worth that risk.it seems he has anger issues that need to be resolved!

he is yelling at you in front of your son (does he do this in your grandpparents home? with them at home?if so, thast a scary sign) our children sence this, at this age.

I am a victim of abuse, 12 years and im FREE, it is was hard to get away!

Like you, I went back and fourth with the...he is good in this area but he also does this..what do I do! he is terrible when it comes to helping me with money but, on this other hand he is good with my kids, he takes care of the kids that are not his blood..OMG..I look back and see, before the abuse stared, all the classic signs were there..just as they are for you too...just in the short words you typed....

I didn't have family backing! You don't have to depend on him, your already doing it with family help..

He depends on your family?!he lives with your grandparents, has a job with your Step Dad?!

puts money into car he cant drive to work so I will assume he has no lisence?

what is so important to HIM that he will risk his freedom? he sure isnt risking it to put a roof over ur head or food & clothing for his son! TINTED WINDOWS? WHAT IS HE HIDING? or..WHO is he hideing..I'm sorry, that was my first though!

i was the woman that was blind to my sig other cheating. maybe he needs a reality check, without you, what will he do?

DO you realize, he cant really make it w/o you?

He cant even be there for you and your son, his son and he is living off you and your family!



please don't take what i have said wrong...I may be off, but, as I have said..I have seen this a lot.

I have lived it, get out while U can!

you will be in my prayers! trust in God, he will set you free from harm, mental, emotional and physical...put it in Gods hands and let this lil boy go, he hasn't earned the right to be called a man!

IF u every want a ear, hit my inbox!

Candice - posted on 06/06/2010

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sounds like you're a single mom already. Get rid of the dead weight...it'll actually be easier. and if he loses his job, what does that matter? not like his job is doing you or your child any good.

Lorelei - posted on 06/06/2010

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sorry hun but nappies and wipes is he for real???? babys require far more material things than that not to mention the things you cant buy love arffection time etc etc it sounds like he needs a reality check hes a father and he needs to grow up fast he either is with you (not cheating) and working supporting you and baby or he moves out of ur family home finds work on his own and a house on his own and pays to support the baby at least. babys are a huge financial commitment and responsibility my advice is get all the support you need from friends family and agencies and move on you can do it im a single mum my parents live in a diff country to me rest of family hours drive away my babys dad isnt round and me and my girl do ok its real hard at first but youll get there just gotta be head strong. good luck :)

Nicole - posted on 06/06/2010

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Go back and reread your post. He yells at your baby and has no patience with him. He doesn't financially contribute for either one of you. He has cheated on you numerous times. He has no respect for you or your child, and is refusing to take responsibility for his child. I don't think leaving this man makes you selfish; it shows that you have standards that you expect your boyfriend to live up to and there is nothing wrong with that. I left my HUSBAND for the reasons you are listing here. I know its scary, and its not easy by any means, but I think you and your son would be better off living without your boyfriend for a while. If he has no where else to go, that is going to have to be his problem. Its not your responsibility to make sure he has everything he needs; he is an adult and needs to act like one. When I kicked my husband out in November 2008, he went to the Salvation Army, and couldn't have cared less. What I am saying is, he is an adult and its time for him to realize that, to realize that you are not going to just sit back and watch him put himself before his son in every decision he makes, and continue to stay with him.

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