Needs advice, baby daddy issues.

Sara - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi, so i have an issue. Its kind of a long story.. how can i put this. Im not with the father of my 4 month old child, and i wasn't with him through out my entire pregnancy. Now he has a gf, which is fine, people move on. He has only seen our son a hand full of times, and i was the one who made it happen ( phone calls, emails ) and let it be known, that not ONCE was i making plans with him, but i was talking to his GIRLFRIEND. And each visit, i was there with him, my son and again, his GF. Last month i got into a bit of an argument with her because i decided that i didnt want to speak to my sons father through her, and i wanted to talk to him! i didnt think this was a big deal. I asked that they come to my house and watch him for a couple hours while i did groceries, they didnt want that, they wanted me to drop him off at their house. I wasnt about to do that. Keep in mind they both smoke pot, and she has 2 kids of her own which she doesnt have custody of. Any ways, i ended up having to block both of them on facebook, as well as a friend because of the constant harassment. Well, toight she messaged me on msn, i totaly forgot i even had her on there, so i blocked her. she then continued to email me. i responded telling her (numerous times) "if he wants to see his son, HE can call me" .. now, what should i do? why won't HE talk to me? should i even let him see his son? what should i do about the gf situation? please.. i need some advice!

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Lauren - posted on 02/13/2010

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I'm sorry...I might have misunderstood, but if you know that he smokes pot at his house and you didn't want your kid over there...but you invited him to be alone with your child in your house...what makes you think he won't smoke pot over there???

If you want my honest opinion...and this is prob going to make you mad...but from my point of view...and just hear me out...

You want him to be in your child's life. BUT you stay during visits (which shows you don't trust him)

You want him to watch your child...BUT only at your house? I personally wouldn't have done it either.

You have been corresponding with his g/f and everything was fine...then all of a sudden you change your mind? Yeah, I'd have a problem with that too if I was his g/f. BC see...you included her at first, now you act like she doesn't matter. Lets not forget that while your ex is busy smoking pot, this is prob. the girl that will be watching your child.

If you want HIM to be in your life, you are going to have to include HER..whether you like it or not. If not, it looks like you are trying to get HER out of the picture by excluding her. Which will make HIM pick HER over your child.

Guys are stupid. The way their brain operates is irrational. I've been in your shoes...but its been many years ago. I look back now and realize the craziness of my life/ex. The things I said are not to make you mad or to make you feel like you are doing everything wrong...its just an outsider looking in.

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Lalisa - posted on 07/15/2011

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I would say that you should try to ignore her. Try to contact your childs father though his email phone etc and let him know that all contact about your child would be between the two of you. If he still dosent want to cooperate go through the court and get a mediator and let them know that visitation should be in a predetermined location not around the gf who had her children taken away and not in his home where pot smoking goes on.(but if you bring that up you will need proof ) And just take if from there.Good Luck

April - posted on 07/08/2011

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Just like her relationship with your son's dad is none of your business, your son is none of hers. Even if they were married, I don't think she should be the mediator. He should step up and make the arrangements with you. You should talk with a lawyer because you don't want to deny your son his dad, and it doesn't sound like you are, but if the environment isn't safe he shouldn't be there.

Christina - posted on 07/08/2011

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You are not required to talk to her. If she emails you, ignore her and email him. Let him know that he can call you if he wants to see his son, he can call you. Sometimes it makes it easier to go through a mutual third party though. But his gf has no rights to your son and has no right to be calling the shots.
Up until a few months ago, I never interfered with my stepson's pick ups and drop offs. My husband handled everything. A few months ago, his ex's mom called me about the exchanges. She decided that it was easier to go through me since I kept a neutral attitude in the situation and had no anger or resentment from the past. Now even his ex-wife goes through me. But that was their choice, not mine. I am happy to do it, but I didn't force my way into it.

Christina - posted on 07/07/2011

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I kinda know what ur going through my sons father left me while i was pregnant for n=my son .. my is 2 now he left for a girl that does drugs and now so does he he has blocked me from his cell phone so i cant call when he has my son i have to call from someone else phone or call his gf'sand she never answers. we have joint custody and he is never there my son is with his mom and his gf and its very frustrating and he thinks that his father of the year.

Lisa - posted on 02/20/2010

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The way that I see it is if he wants to be a part of your childs life he has to be the one to make it happen. Parents NEED to learn to communicate with each other reguardless of the situation. I'm not sure what's going on with his girlfriend, as I don't know the situation...do you and him not get along and he thinks it's best that he not speak to you? (for example when you do speak does it always turn into an argument?) Or does his girlfriend not trust him to speak to you so she does it for him? Either way he needs to step up, be a man and a father and learn to communicate with you about your child. The girlfriend needs to step back a bit and let him do what he needs to do to be a good father and be able to communicate with you about your child. Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 02/20/2010

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I'm not with father of my daughter, and he has a girlfriend as well. The only number that I have in order to contact him is her cell phone number. If I need to talk to him, I have no choice but to go through her. It's bery aggravating though, because I feel as though it is HE and I that have had this child, NOT SHE AND I!!!!!

Helen - posted on 02/20/2010

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Hi Sara,
I would suggest that if you really want your child's father to be responsible you go to your government's website. First you apply for child support, then the courts will rule visitation for him if he so wishes of which you can request that they be supervised due to drug use by him and the girlfriend. Sara, don't let him avoid his responsibility to you and his child because he has 'moved on', not an excuse.
I don't know what state you live in so say you live in massachusetts, type in mass.gov in the search engine and the state web site will come up. On the mass site's first page there is a link : apply for child support. Other states have it under Family services, please Sara don't let him off the hook, he is responsible for his child, whether he wants to be or not. As for the GF you could always speak to the police about the harassment and that you fear for your child's safety, maybe a restraining order can be issued since she has lost custody of her own children..
Sara take care and I hope things work out for you with this, I choose to do it all on my own and it was a very hard and bumpy road, I hope to save you from many of the deep potholes of life, good luck.

Heather - posted on 02/19/2010

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ok...he has never tried to contact you to see his son right? You are the one who is making these visits happen. He obviously has no ambition to see his son. I would stop pushing it. Is that someone you really want your son around. And lets see...she doesnt even have custody of her own kids and they both smoke pot. WHY would you let them watch your son...alone?!?! Just because they are at your house and not their own does not mean they wont smoke around your son or be taking care of him when you are stoned. I recommend you stop talking to either of them. Your not with the father and he has no rights to even see his son unless he goes to court and gets right which he will have to pay the court fees and get a lawyer. You shouldnt have to deal with anyone this. Stop making this easy for him and make him stand up and be responsible if he wants a part in his sons life. Im sure you have plenty of other people that are much much more qualified to watch your son while you go to the grocery store....and its not all that difficult to take your children with you either. Please stop letting immature people watch your baby. Its not up to you to make him be a father to YOUR son.

Malinda - posted on 02/16/2010

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She needs to understand that this is not her child... this is between you and him. You are the parents. Let him come to you. If he is not paying support then just tell him to take you to court have regular visits set up.... that way he can be drug tested and he needs to pay support as well. Good luck, momma

Aliza - posted on 02/16/2010

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Im in the same boat my kids father have a gf . I went threw that I just sat back and thouht to myself like if he let her keep him from his kids then so be it not you losing out on anything he is.He's going to miss wat matter the most and the child is going to hate him for that. I stood up and just played both roles. Im my kids mother and father. You can only say so much to a man. And they still going to do wat they want to do.And tell his gf to fall back it have nothing to do with her your child don't need another mother cause it have one your child just need there father. But to let u know I am a 20 year old single parent of a 3 year old boy and a 1 year old lil girl and my kids dont have to want for anything and my baby father dont do SHIT for them.

Heather - posted on 02/16/2010

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i actually went through this when my son was a baby and the reason he refused to talk to me was because of him gf in the end i confronted both of them telling them both they was low down and my son didn't need them and a couple of weeks later they both showed up at my house and we had a civilized discussion and worked everything out she agreed not to smoke in the house and not to drink when he is there now its been 8 years and we all get along great and michael goes to there house daily to play with his sister it all worked out for me none of this micght not help you but hey it did us you also might want to get the court involved to get only supervised visits

Alicia - posted on 02/16/2010

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oh yes the fun with dealin with an ex, i know how you feel i went am still goin throught the same with my ex. all u can do is either report her for harassment. and he should be talkin to u if he wants to see ur guys child, if not then its his lost, and i understand wat you are goin throught cuz right now am fighting my ex for him to pay child suport and he lives some where else where he getts to see his first born son who is goin to be turnin 4 in april. i say u either tell him to give up his rights or to start calling if he wants any kind of relationship with your guys child. i hope i helped some what. good luck with every.

Angela - posted on 02/16/2010

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This is my story i have two sons with different Sperm Donors, and neither of them wanted to be a part of my sons lives. With my first son i always let him be in contact with his SD family, even if he wasn't involved personally, thinking at least he'll have the love of the other family members. Well, it didn't work out to my son's benefit and after awhle i stopped, because the SD was still never truly involved in my son's life.

With my last son, his SD, was very adamant about not wanting him to be born, well he wasn't the one carrying the belly so i ignored him, and had my son. During the pregnancy he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and everyone kept saying he would come around when the baby was born, that is why i stayed until my son was 6 weeks old.


At that time i went to live elsewhere and he did not have contact with my son until sometime last year when my son questioned his whereabouts. as far as i can see he still not ready for my son to be in his life and i am not forcing the issue. And this is his only child as far as i know and all his family was so happy he was going to be a Daddy??? I still talk now and then to the family but i will not push my son in his face or anyone else's. and my older son agrees with me he doesn't want no wishy washy father figure to mess with his little brother's mental status.

So u need to leave that pothead SD and his GF alone and start taking better care of your son. You know you endangering your child's welfare by having him around, and you could end up in trouble with the law by having the SD & the GF AROUND . That man does not want to be a father, if he wants to be there for his son, he will make a way to contact you personally not through no third party.

And stop taking stuff so personal, you want him back or something, well he has shown you he has moved on and he doesn't want no attachments. You are only going to traumatized your poor child in the long run.

All the ENERGY you pouring into why the man not calling you etc., etc., could be redirected into loving your son. Put all that ENERGY into Building a strong loving family foundation for your son, without SD for now, and let go! if that person keep harassing you, you might want to change your number and put it unlisted.

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Well if he wants to see his son he will make an effort ,dont try to make it easy for him by setting up dates and dropping him off thats what he wants..........his GF is no better and you dont want your child around either of them til they are drug free..........the baby daddy is not a man if his GF has control...........live your life with your child enjoy every moment babies are so precious at this age............Dont Waste your time and energy on him because hes not wasting it on you,when he noticed that your not paying him any mind by calling ar trying to set up dates for him and your child eventually he'll come around if not his lost not yours and your baby............I wish you luck,and always know you are doing a great job raising your child as a single parent

Pauline - posted on 02/10/2010

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I can understand that you didnt want to have to talk through the GF I still have to do that sometimes but trust me it does get better, if all the adults involved remember that at the end of the day it is what is best for the child. If they both smoke pot that is a worry for me personally, and what is the reason that she doesnt have custody of her own children. If you feel that you son would be put in danger with them caring for him, then dont let him go. If he wants to see his son he will eventually contact you and you should let him, no matter if it makes you feel weird UNLESS baby is not safe as i said before. As for the GF situation maybe she needs to be the busybody because it makes her feel like she has the power, so make her believe that things are her idea while you retain the power perhaps. At the end of the day Sara sometimes there has to be compromise but only you know what is best for your baby so if you put aside any confusions etc then look at the situation and reassess. I hope this helps and all goes well for you!

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