New daddy...how to explain to her??

Courtney - posted on 01/13/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My daughter is only 7 months so she wont be asking for a long time. But for when the time comes... my fiancee has taken over the daddy roll almost since day one with my daughter. and i dont want to lie to her and tell her he's her real father, but how am i supposed to tell her that her real father is a dead beat and never wanted her? because i dont want her to just find out my fiancee isnt her real dad and her try to search for the real one then get hurt by him... any suggesstions??

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Jessica - posted on 01/13/2011

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explain to her that he is her daddy. a daddy is someone who loves a child, takes care of a child, meets the child's needs, and treats a child like their own. tell her that the person that helped create her is her father and he is not in the picture. it didn't work out and maybe some day she can meet him when she is an adult. and that she is well loved and wanted. don't even tell her that he didn't want her or he is a dead beat. just say he wasn't ready to be a dad and that you met a wonderful man that loved you so much he wanted to be your daddy. you don't have to give her reasons why the bio dad isn't in the picture. you don't have to ever tell her that he didn't want her until she is way old enough to understand. i would keep a few pictures of him for when she is older and asks what he looks like and maybe when she is a teenager, give her one to hang onto. just make it as positive as possible and let her know she is loved and very much wanted by the people around her and if your future husband wants her to call him daddy... let her. he is her dad in every sense of the word. it helps to give them two separate names so she can talk about each one easily. you could even refer to her bio dad by his first name to clarify it even more. but i would not keep it from her that she has a different bio dad. i would tell her as soon as she understands and make it a casual thing that she can openly talk about and ask questions about. but do also talk about what makes a family too and tell her that her daddy makes it a family and why. is he adopting her when you two get married?

Rosette - posted on 01/19/2011

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Hullo my dear,if the dad is alive,please don't do that mistake of telling her that he is dead because any day she will find out the truth.She will hate you forever.

These kids have aright to know their real parents.Its now too early to tell her but when she reaches like 4years you can explain to her.



I also have same problem,the dad of my boy has refused him that he isn't his.The boy is now 4months & 3 weeks.But i will tell him his real dad though he refused him.

So please take it easy,its good that your fiancee wants adopt her.Its sounds really good.

But tell her the real father when she grows.Take care my dear and be blessed

Vanesa - posted on 01/17/2011

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Wen she gets older and starts asking, just tell her that her dad did not have time for her, which is why you are not with him anymore. Let her know that your fiancee loves her very much and has time for her. My daughter knows who her real dad is, and knows that he does not do anything for her. From asking me questions and stuff she has figuredout somethings on her own. I do not lie to my daughter about her father because I do not want her to be hurt either. My boyfriend of thee years has been here for her since we started dating and that is who is she loves and calls Daddy.

Court - posted on 01/17/2011

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Here's the thing with kids, generally they figure it out anyway. My dad wasn't a great person, and I found that out for myself when he came back in my life later on. I suggest, you give her the bare simple facts: no bashing, no gory details. (Keep in mind, when she gets older she may ask some tougher questions and you may have to get into detail. The answers you give at 6 may not be sufficient at 16)



Speaking from experience, my mom raised me to believe that another man was my father until around the age of six. He was a wonderful father figure to have and I still respect him to this day. However, children deserve to know the truth and I appreciate my mom for telling me. Now if you decide to tell her, do it at an early age, not too early to confuse her, but not too late either because you don't want to seem deceptive. When talking it over with her you can distinguish between your fiancee and her paternal parent by calling one Daddy and the other father. You can tell her some fathers may go, but Daddies will always love and take care of you. Later on if she begins asking specific questions about the nature of his character, your past relationship, why didn't he stay etc. be open and honest, but tread lightly. If you continue to give the same answers you gave when she was very young and she finds this insufficient she may seek him out for understanding.

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Courtney - posted on 01/17/2011

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Thank you both. That is really hepful. And Jessica that sounds really good. And yes my fiancee is planning on adopting her after we get maried. But i told him i want to wait for like 4 or 5 yars before he does just so that i know this is the right thing to do

Vanessa - posted on 01/13/2011

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only you know the risks associated with what you tell her.
do u even know where he is? one option is eventually just saying you dont know who her father is. or could u explain to her that mummy and her actual daddy couldnt make a family together, so daddy and mummy could provide her a better one.

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