New Mom Doing It Solo

Jessica - posted on 03/13/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I feel so lost sometimes. My (now ex) boyfriend and myself were togeather for 3 years when our son was born, and for the last 3 months of my pregnancy up until a month ago we had done nothing but argue and fight. It never got any better once Hayden was born, it acutally got alot worse. We're both staying at our parents (Im at mine and he's with his mom) because we couldnt afford to be on our own anymore with my huge food cravings, and our jobs not paying great and bills just constantly pilling up. Anyways, aboout a month ago I left the father because he simply was not helping at all with our son except buying formula here and there when I needed it. I know I can do this, but sometimes its so hard and so frusterating because he will complain "Oh I had such a long day at work Im so tired I only got 6 hours of sleep" and Im not willing to hear it because..hey every night I get 4-5 hours of sleep. If it weren't for my parents Id probably be hiding in a corner rocking myself. Now we've worked out a contract (without lawyers for now) to try and work things out. But even at that Im still doing 98% of the work..just wanted to meet other single mothers to help give me strength to a) not put up with his crap and b) be the best mother I can

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Wendy - posted on 03/16/2009

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It is amazing the strength you find when you realise that there is no point relying on anyone other than yourself. It is great that you have your parents, but I found that when I did everything myself it was easier to handle cause I no longer expected any help. You will have hard times when you think you cannot go on any longer, but you have to realise that you are human, and that if the baby needs to cry for a bit while you get yourself together then thats ok. The father situation can be very distressing for you. It certainly still is for me 4 years on. I often think it would be easier if he wasn't around, but then I remind myself that my son has the right to know his dad, and in the long run I will not be held accountable for not giving him that choice. Stick with it! Long term you will find the father will either be a good part of your child life, or they will end up not being part of it at all....

Jessica - posted on 03/16/2009

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Im glad I have my son i dont know what i'd ever do without him now. It sucks for him though because its amost like a broken home.

Lil - posted on 03/15/2009

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i feel lost too- kinda the same didn't life togther couldn't afford to run a home & he spent more time with his friends then here with us- i really tryed hard to make it work between us but i have to put my lil one first now not myself so yer, half the time i feel alone but it help talking to other mums. all i can say if your feeling low the best thing i do is look at my lil one & our children are the best reason to keep on living.

Neka - posted on 03/15/2009

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Stay strong and your right you can do it. I dont know how religious you are but I know God gives me the strength to do it, even when I dont feel like it. I know that my son depends on me and he always will so I dont have room to slack like his father does. You are so much stronger than you think you are and children will allow you to discover that. Stay strong sweety.

Jessica - posted on 03/15/2009

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from one jessica to another... I understand its exhausting doing it on your own. In any case if hes not trying i wouldn't want him around my child. you want to surround your child with someone that will love, support and  care for your child.  



i dont have the father around at all because im not sure who it is... but i know from that period in my life i would not want those people around my child. I will patiently wait for the day that someone wants to be with me and belle both.



dont worry. you sound like a caring mother and this will only make you and your child stronger. and you will always be able to give your child enough love for the whole world. and underneath it all she will respect and love you more.



this way you can have your own mommy-daughter world.



Good luck

Amanda - posted on 03/14/2009

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Girl, i been with my ex for 4 years, as soon as i found out i wad pregnant he denied her, i had to do it all on my own since i got pot pregnant and now that shes born and looks just like him, he is still denying her, im not going through any courts cuz im in charge not no court system i want to be in control of the visitations and whatnot, cuz from since the man has rights , the problems will just get worse, and that aint good for the child, i know you can do it though , cuz i can, and you will be the best mother because of the unconditional love you have, i know its frustrating when you gotta wake up in the middle of the night but just remember this, God loves the single mothers and the best is yet to come! Joy comes in the morning, and morning doesnt always mean a.m....Be strong and do it for your bundle of joy! God bless you and you little one

Rebecca - posted on 03/14/2009

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hi im 19 living with my parents and im not with the father he doesnt even know about my daughter

Catharine - posted on 03/13/2009

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Hey Jessicca,
You stay strong...I know exactly what you're going through. I was with my X for almost 10 years, and when I told him I was pregnant, the first thing that came out of his mouth was get an abortion. Well, obviously, I never did. To make things harder, I was also in a very abusive relationship, and didn't have the strength to leave him. We would have our good days (the honeymoon phase) and of course the bad days...but finally when I was around 7 months pregnant, and told him that I was going for a walk...and I NEVER came back...Literally....I moved into my mom's house, and she helps me look after my baby son. It was one of the most hardest things I ever had to do....the father didn't (and still doesn't) help me financially with ANYTHING...and he has only seen his son, (Jayden) once. I am very protective with Jayden seeing his father for the fear of his father coming and going.....
at first, I was a total mess....everything was difficult, and emotionally draining, I was angry, sad, happy, upset...all the time...like a rollercoaster, I had so much resentment to the father...then to make matters worse...my savings was running dry, and I had to go back to work, so that I could provide for my baby son Jayden. My mom...who had a stroke a few years ago...lokks after Jayden, while I work 30 hours a week. It breaks my heart and tares me to pieces that I leave him every moring to go to work...but I am doing it for him and his future, so we can be a happy well off family, Know...the best part of my day is when I come home and see Jayden...laughing and smiling because his mommy is home. I will raise that boy to grow up and be a respectful hard working member of society, and he will know how much his mommy loved him, and the sacrafices that I had to make to be able to give him the absolute best.
As for the father...it will be his own grave that he will dig...because I watched my brother and my father go through the same ordeal, and it is a sad sad road....but the respect that my brother has for my mom is uncomparable to any other relationship in his world...
Your child will love you forever, knowing that you did all that you could to raise him, and trust me...the pain and the heartbreak that your ex has caused you will go away... mine did, and I was with the jerk for 10 years!!!! :)
I love my son soooo much, and I wouldn't trade my life for the world....Like I said, you stay strong for both yourself and your baby son...he needs his mommy to guide him through all that life will offer him! xoxoxo

Leann - posted on 03/13/2009

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You can't change him. I've been going through a divorce for three years. He verbally abuses me. He left me after our second daughter was born, and didn't help with child support or with the kids, until I filed for divorce. It's hard being a single mom, b/c you take on more then what you should. Hiding in a corner rocking yourself is how I felt for three years, the routine of being a single mom is getting easier. The best advice I've gotten is to take care of yourself first and your kids will be happy when they see you happy. Find out what you need.

Jessica - posted on 03/13/2009

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Technicaly though the contract we have is legal, it will hold its own in court because I signed it, he signed it and we had a witness sign it. Even if we wrote it on a napkin it would still work as long as we both signed it and agree to the terms that were writen down. Trust me if he breaks it Im taking his ass to court that second, its just right now I dont have the money just yet to do so. Im going back to work though in April.

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NO NO NO!!!! Never do anything without lawyers because if he gets mad over anything he will back out. Been there done that. My ex came around every few weeks for about an hour until my son was 6 months old only contributing a pack of diapers here and there. Right after my son turned 6 months he stopped comming and I havent heard from him since. You will be fine, but you need to get things settled legally and on paper. If you need anyone to tak to about it email me and I would be happy to help. Keep your head up.

Kasi - posted on 03/13/2009

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Hey Jessica,  Just keep believing in yourself!!  That is the best thing you can do for yourself.  I know it gets lonely and it's gets tough, but remind yourself you are doing the best you can and when you feel like everything is going wrong (and you will) remember that everything happens for a reason and things can only get better.  I left my ex husband after 10 years.  My kids were 5 and 14 months.  I rented a house and lived there for 5 years.  Worked my butt off at my job and got promoted, got a really good raise and was eventually able to buy my own house.  If I had stayed with my ex, I would still be broke and living in a dump while he stayed out all night drinking and sleeping with everything that walked.  Just remember you deserve the best and don't accept any less. I would much rather be alone that with somebody just for the sake of being with somebody. (does that make sense).  The best advice I ever received was to follow your gut instinct always.  I started doing that and I am telling ya, it worked.  Good luck to you and be thankful you have family around to help you out and keep you sane.  Oh, one other thing.  Don't forget about yourself.  Take time for you.  Regardless of what it is.  You can get caught up in being a mom and everything that is required of you in that role, eventually you will forget who YOU are.  Don't let it happen!  It will make you so much better a person and a mom. 

Jessica - posted on 03/13/2009

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Thanks guys, I got all teary eyed, seriously its nice to have support like this from people I dont know. Thank-you for the warm kindness. I hope to return the favor some how :)

Sarah - posted on 03/13/2009

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I got a divorce from my husband when my daughter was 6 months old. From then until now, she will be 2 in a month, I have been doing everything alone. With the emotional support of my family. Her father does not see her or pay for her. And he never has. He just left. It is so hard, but I alway try to put a positive spin on it. Like, I got to see her walk for the 1st time. Or I got to hear her 1st words. My parents helped a lot. Even just to lay on the couch and have my Mom brush my hair and say it will be ok, you can do this. Now, my daughter and I are best buds. We go everywhere together and we get a long great. I have very recently bought a house, landed a great job and I feel like we are finally ok. It will happen to you too. But, not with out wanting to go outside and scream you head off. Just remember, you are the greatest Mom and you are doing everything you can for your baby. And he loves you no matter what. Good Luck.

Crystal - posted on 03/13/2009

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I know exactly what you're talking about... I was with the father of my kids for almost 4 years and when I left him I had to move back to my parents aswell. Shortly after leaving him I found out that I was pregnant again. Now my daughter is 4 and my son is 19 months and I"m living on my own now. I can't say that your ex will get much better. My ex was pretty much the same he's a bit better now but he still has a long way to go. Hopefully he will. Good luck it's hard doing it as a single mom and if you need any advice I'm here...

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