new single mom

Riza - posted on 09/05/2010

It is very scary darling but that does not mean you cannot pull it off. You can do it and your family and friends will be there, so put on a smile and be brave.

Madeleine - posted on 09/05/2010

And just one more thought, maybe you can find a doula to be ther for the birth. I know you think he will be there, and he likely will, but if you have no close friends or family a doula would be some extra support for you.

Madeleine - posted on 09/05/2010

Oh Tanya, it sounds so similar to what I've just gone through. Somewhere in my twenties, due to poor choices in men and a narcissistic career, I lost all of my self esteem. That is the reason I kept going back to my husband. One thing I've noticed these last months as I've been struggling to get on my feet and find a way to provide for my daughter and myself, is I'm starting to get my self-esteem back!!! And frankly, no matter what sweet words my husband says, I can not and will not go back. I know he loves us as well, very much, but I can't risk him hurting our daughter by abandoning her whenever he doesn't feel like putting in the work to be a dad.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to worry about your pregnancy and toddler right now. Put the relationship, or lack there of, out of your mind if you can. Focus on the babies and listen to your heart. If you honestly do not think this will be the last time he does this, you must ask yourself where your tolerance for this kind of pain is. If you have reached your limit then take control of the situation and yourself and start taking steps to be financially and emotionally independent from him. But if you think you can risk going through all this again for a chance that it may work out, then by all means go for it!!!

But as someone who lacked a lot of confidence I tell you, if you keep letting him make the decisions, letting him walk out when he feels like, you are doing yourself and your kids a great injustice. You are a mom! Moms are the strongest women I know. You deserve a partner who will not abandon you in your time of need, who will stand by you through thick and thin. I know without much self confidence it is hard to believe that, but you do!!! You really do my sweet lady!

Tanya - posted on 09/05/2010

i have no doubt in my mind that he will be there for the birth of his son. he is so active with our daughter that i dont think that is going to change.
we are taking a break because of my low self-esteem. i havent really had an confidence in a long time. not to sure what happened to cause this. i'm not very social when it comes to hanging out with people. i would rather be alone then with others. and of course i would do that to my partner as well and always had a problem when he wanted to go out or have friends over. so in a way i took his social life away from him and thats not fair to him.
this isnt the first time that this has happened. and im sure that it wont be the last. i just have to learn to leave it alone and see what happens. i love him very much and really want to have a future with him but i dont know what the future holds right now. its hard not to sit here and think about it. i am trying to be strong for my kids but its not easy. i have found us a place to move and clayton is making sure we have everything that we need until i get some assistance in place. he is staying with his mom. medical isnt an issue. i live in Canada so even if i dont continue on claytons medical the government is there.
i know that we can and will work through these issues its just going to take some time. i know that he loves me and wants to be a family but is just getting frusturated with my lack of confidence and not being social or going with the flow.
i do think that he is being very childish with the timing of all of this. i already have high blood pressure from other stress in my life, and i have my second bladder infection in this pregnancy. so this really doesnt help.

Madeleine - posted on 09/04/2010

Oh yes, it is very scary but the first thing I am going to tell you is... YOU CAN DO THIS! Having recently gone through a "separation" myself I know how scared you are. Granted, I was not pregnant with a second child but my husband had convinced me to resign from my job because he had got a promotion (he had really gotten laid off), he moved my daughter and myself to So. Cali (all my family is in NorCal), he kept us isolated from his family off in a condo alone with no transportation. Every time I talked about trying to get a job for extra money he found excuses why I couldn't. Eventually he asked for a separation, gave me a few hundred dollars and told me to find my way back to my family. So I had to beg my mom to let us stay with her, borrow my sisters car, get state assistance etc... the list goes on! And this was the second time he had done this to us. My daughter is now 17 months.



Okay, so I am not exactly sure what your situation is as far as finances, a home, medical insurance etc or even where you're located. In Cali I know a little about the system. So may I first suggest... stop thinking about the "ex" right now and focus on you and your babies. You're going to go in to labor soon and you don't want too be stressed. The ex may or may not come for the birth, I don't know, but frankly it doesn't matter. What matters is you and your little ones. You are like a mama lion right now and you have to manage your stress levels and keep an even keel for those babes.



Without knowing what kind of help you need I'm not sure where to guide you. Do you have family or a good friend that can come for the birth? Talk to them and set up a plan.



As for this ex. On the one hand I hope for you that the break solves whatever conflict you may be having to cause the split to begin with, yet on the other hand I would hesitate to believe him if/when he comes back claiming he made a mistake. And even if you do reconcile, it's possible he broke your trust by abandoning you when you kind of need him most. Once that trust is broken it is hard to get back. But I'm sure these are all questions and thoughts you've already been having so I'll wrap up with this: You can absolutely do this. Being a single mom isn't easy, but it is better than being in a relationship that is no good. Or wondering all the time if he's gonna leave again. I am now getting back on my feet so I'm telling you it can be done!!! You will get there, but right now let's just get you through the birth!

Rita_2_davey - posted on 09/04/2010

Even though your partner and you have decided to take a break I can't see him not being there for the birth of his baby. If he isn't you have already been through one delivery. Ask a close friend of yours if they would like to be by your side so your not alone.
Just make sure that this friend is able to take watching a birth. When your labor begins and its that time think of the beautiful little boy/girl your are going to have. To love and to nourish. Dont' stress yourself, this will only cause you to possibly go into early labor.
Remember, you are a wonderful mother already and now you are blessed with number 2, whether your partner be there or not. For him to decide to take a break in this period of your pregnancy I think that is truly childish. However like I said have a close friend with you, someone you can trust and have faith in.
When that precious little one lets out his/her first cry all will be forgotten. Congratulations, I am possitive everything will work out for the better.

Maricela - posted on 09/04/2010

Scared is a good start, a break in a relationship may sometimes just mean the end, but one should always keep in mind that great things came from it. I left pregnant w/ our 2nd, but i was physically n emotionally abused, anywho. Im single with my 2 girls and im so happy, i work hard for them n myself n i've learned so much out of life from all this. The worst part is being alone and knowing that finding another man is the one issue tht will b the hardest since men are pigs now a days. But its always good to be able to talk to the other person in a good manner about the kids you have in common. I only talk in regards to my children n i just wish him well and pray that some day before i depart from earth, im truly happy :)...I hope that break helps both of you relize what brought you together and keep it like that and if not, I wish you the best, and remember one day all will be fine. We are living on borrowed time and someday our kids will grow up and depart, they wont be a handfull forever. Take care and GOD bless