New Single Mom - Advice

Amber - posted on 08/04/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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Hello moms,



I'm a fairly new mother and a single mom at that. I'm just wondering how every other single mom out there is doing? And to get advice from those who are willing to give it.



Thanks ladies,

Amber

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[deleted account]

i have been a single mom since before my son was born! im only 20. so this is all new to me to. if u need anything just ask.

Stefanie - posted on 08/04/2009

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I have just one piece of advice for you. Do your best and your child will do just fine. Im not saying it is easy by no means. I have been single for a yr and a half and I still have my days where I want to pull my hair out, but hang in there the good days pay for it.

Kat - posted on 08/04/2009

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I have 18 month old twin boys, and i've been a single mom for about two months now. it's been really hard for me to adjust to doin things by myself, but i think i'm doing ok. the boys don't seem to mind being with just me all the time. even tho their dad was around for a long time, he didnt really do much. but now he has a new girlfriend n he frequently chooses to go see her instead of his kids. he finally came to see them tonight for the first time in 2 weeks. it's sad to think about how beautiful and amazing my children are, and how could he not want to see them. but i'm just taking it day by day, and you should do the same. not everyone can handle being a single mom, but the fact that you are strong enough to do it says a lot about you as a person. good luck with everything, and let me know if you want to talk

Marla - posted on 08/04/2009

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I'm basicly in the same boat My son is 4 months old i have yet to hear from the sperm donor. times it is so hard but one look into my sons beautiful eyes i know we are going to be just fine. It is his loss. Any boy can make a baby but it takes a man to raise one. these boys that got us prego and left are boys not men. just remember you are both better off. my sister never knew her sperm donor our mom told her the truth about what happened she sees him for the coward he was she knew she was better off she never wanted to meet him so some day when your child asks tell them the truth kids are smart they will see those boys how they should be seen.

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Kaylie - posted on 08/11/2009

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Honey, I hear ya! I'm newly single/separated with a 5 month old. The father is still stationed in Germany and is NO help what-so-ever. I have my days where I just feel hopeless, especially now that Chaisten is teething, but then he cracks that smile and gives me a little laugh and I realize that everything is going to be alright. These are the hardest times we'll go through as mothers but as long as we keep remembering that these few weeks, months, years are mere blinks in time it all doesn't seem so bad.



Since you asked how we're doing. OMG! Chaisten is teething, one bottom and 2 fronts and has started this high pitched squeal that could call the dogs! Does it when happy, sad, tired, exciting... always squealing!! :) Other than that we're doing GREAT!! Hope everything is going well.

Amy - posted on 08/10/2009

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hi i am anewly singel mum aswell and my sons dad is making life very difficult i don't want him to see my littel one un suppervised but he finds us every where sometimes i think it would be easier if he would just give up intill his visitation is sorted because i don't know how long i can keep it together for with what he has done. i am slowly cutting him out of my life but i am worried that he will not see our son unless its at home but he can't be trusted all i belive in is that aslong as my son is smileing i will be ok lukily my family are really supporting me right now if you ever feel like giving up lean on every one around you and just wait for a cuddel and a kiss from your littel one then all your troubels disappear maybe only for that moment but it makes the world of diffreance be strong and give your bunddel of joy lots of speacil cuddels and remeber it could always be worse think always that your the lucky one and you will be fine

[deleted account]

Make sure you laugh a lot especially when you feel like crying. Laughing can help you see things in a more optimistic light. Also, having a slid group of supportive friends is a huge help. Message me when you have specific problems and I will help all I can. Julie

Dawn - posted on 08/10/2009

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Hi Amber I am a single mom of three 9yrs. 4yrs and 10months. I think the most important things are keep you head held High. listin to your body when your tired take a break you dont have to do everything in one day. It will be tomorrow. take any and all the help you can from friends and family etc.dont let your pride get in the way. and remember there will be really bad days but there will also be really great days. And if the baby crying or frusting you it is ok to put her down and walk away let her cry for a couple of mintues regroup and than go love on her. take care.

Latonya - posted on 08/10/2009

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Hey sweetie im a single mother of three children. Trust me its hard work but i just take it one day at a time and pray. It be days when i break down and cry and want to give up, but im so thankful when i feel that way my mom will get the kids for a couple of hours and sometimes overnight for i can have me some me time. Everything i do im doing for my children. Im working and im also in college getting my nursing degree. So girl i know you going to be a great mom to your child and dont forget to get you some me time because you going to need that for you wont break down. If i can do it i know you can also.

Lisa - posted on 08/09/2009

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Hi Amber,

Well I'm not a single mother of a newborn and I do hope u have some support from family or friends. I have 3 teenage girls.....ugh...no really they are great kids but it is hard to raise them on my own for sure. I have been single for 4 years now and sometimes everyday is a new struggle. Just not having the other person there to back u up or take over. If I can give u any advice it would be to take everyday as a new one. Love ur child like uve never loved before and tell him/her often. Give them everything that u can to the best of ur ability. If u need support look for a single mothers support group in your area that will help u. It will also get u connected with other women in the same situation cause quite frankly most of the time married women dont get it. Thats just been my experience. Some days will be very hard and seem to drag on but they really dont. If u hit depression then get help for that please dont stay in denial about it cause it will only get worse. Sorry Im rambling but I hope my words have helped u.

Lisa

Gayle - posted on 08/08/2009

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HI, I am a single mom of a 22month old boy. The father is out of the picture, Has never seen my son or paid child support. I have been doing on my own. I have a different situations than a lot of single moms. When I gave birth to my son I developed a severe heart condtion that has made me disabled. I rely on friends and family for support. I even have godparents that step in a lot, and help me. My advice is to you: One, never give up; Two you are not alone use this group site for questions advice, or just to get frustrations out (it helps); Three, Relay on family and friends for support- they are there for you; Four take out time for you ( We all need mommy time- my son goes either for a weekend or just a night to his godparents so I can have a break); Last, Remember God will make away where there seems to be no way. We dont have the finest things in life, but we have food to eat, clothes on our backs, roof over our heads, God in our lives, and we have the greatest thing LOVE.

Brandi - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have 3 girls all same sorry @ss father. Been doing it for basicaly 15 yrs. The truth you don't sit and think you just wake up everyday see your children smiles and do it. I have been making ends meat working pt for the past 6 yrs. I have learned not to stress. God will always make a way. No my children do not have the "finer things in life" BUT they have love and a roof over their heads, food for each meal, and clothes on their backs. I chose my children over a career. I take my children to school i go to work i'm home b4 they get out of school. i'm their for them in the evenings.
Don't get me wrong I never said it was easy.
And yes I have been blessed and god sent me a wonderful man in to my life as well as my children. Have faith and believe in God.
good luck

Amber - posted on 08/07/2009

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MOMS- Thank you so very much for all your advice...this is really helping me out!

Heather - posted on 08/07/2009

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Hi Amber-
I've been doing this solo for 15 years and the only regret I have is that my son missed out on the experience of having a father. What I did was always put him first. His needs always trumped my wants. That doesn't mean I didn't take care of myself. My needs were important too, but there is a difference between wants and needs. For example, I had a need to socialize, but was careful about who I had around my son. I hope that helps.

Avelina - posted on 08/07/2009

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Hi Amber,

My name is Avelina and I'm a single mom of a hilarious 2 year old boy. I know exactly what you are going through. I left my ex a year ago and yes I struggle a bit, its no picnic but its all worth it. What you have to do is continue to believe in yourself, make sure you have friends that you can trust for support, as well as family. And do your best to spend all your time with your little one, babies are fun when they are small, lol. I think you can do it, just be strong. Contact me if you ever just wanna chat.

Cindy - posted on 08/07/2009

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Hi! I am a single momma of a 4 year old. It has been tough, but wonderful! My best advice would be to use your family and friends (or even get a sitter) to give you a break once a week for like 1 hr. (to do whatever). If I don't have a chance to do something by myself, I've found I get angry at my little guy, just for the pure fact I haven't had a moment alone or a chance to get a break from meltdowns, etc...Just a little time away, makes a world of difference in helping you be a better mommy - all alone. Its not like there's dad around to pick up slack. Otherwise, best of luck, I am sure you are a wonderful mommy! Take care, Cindy

Laura - posted on 08/07/2009

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It's so nice to read everyone's encouragement! It has made me feel better on one of my down days. I live in China and had to go through the whole pregnancy on my own and without my family. When I went to the embassy to apply for my daughter's passport the embassy didn't believe she was my daughter and actually had me bring in pictures of when I was pregnant along with records from my hospital stay. The Chinese government, when I applied for her visa, was extremely rude and gave me a very hard time for not naming the baby's father on the birth certificate. Now after two months with her and all the things we have gone through I know that I can do this and it is the greatest adventure of my life!

Ruxkse - posted on 08/07/2009

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Single parenting is challenging.
My boy is so stuborn, does not understand the components of life.

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Im a single mom of 2 a 2.5 year old little girl and a 7month old little boy. I have pretty much been alone since I was a few months pregnant with my daughter. Its hard as heck but totally worth it. I agree with the others that say you HAVE to take time for yourself. Life is stressful enough not to. Balancing work/school with your kids and life is hard but atleast your the one with the memories with your kids. Their first smiles, word, steps EVERYTHING. Its so great and special. Good luck. There is alot of people out here that have gone through similar situations. You need to find an outlet for yourself.

Harmony - posted on 08/06/2009

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Funny enough my girlfriend just sent me a great piece of wisdom..." Only good parents ask if their doing it right, the bad ones dont care..."

And also, the great part about being a single mom is never having unrealistic expectations of your partner...you know no one else is going to do it, so your never let down !!

Isobel - posted on 08/06/2009

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oh and also...when they get bigger...pick your battles...laugh with them whenever you can, and let them get dirty ;)

Priscilla - posted on 08/06/2009

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You know i am a single mom of two girls 7 and 4. You know what you always have to keep your head up and look on the bright side of things. You know what God gives me the strength to do all things. If you have any questions or you need any help with anything just give me a shout.

Isobel - posted on 08/06/2009

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I've been a single mom since my youngest was a year and a half, I honestly don't know how you ladies get through that first part alone! My hats off to you.

My advice as a single mom though, is don't sweat the small stuff. Life will go on the dishes don't get done tonight, so long as your child is happy, healthy, and loved you're doing just fine :)

Harmony - posted on 08/06/2009

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I'm in the same spot, I have a beautiful 9 month old boy, and his sperm donor had been cheating the whole pregnancy, then kicked his son and I out when Liam was 2.5 weeks old. ( I didnt find out til after) He now lives with the girlfriend and her 5 year old son ( and they're either pregnant or she's had the baby...not sure which). What a loss on his part.

Its hard, but SO rewarding at the end of the day. The best advice I can possibly give, and whats gotten me through many times, is to just remember how your little one feels. I was at my witts end when Liam got his first teeth, I was cranky frustrated and ready to cry myself, until I thought..." this poor little guy has a frustrated Mom, and he is in so much pain." That snapped me right out of my mood and I could be more focused on him.

I've also had a few great friends who have allowed me to vent when I needed to, it helps when I am falling apart.

I hope youre doing well !

Brianne - posted on 08/06/2009

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Hi Amber,

I am in a similar situation. I have been a single mum since I was about two months pregnant. My son is now two years old. Its been along time of lonliness, and stuggling to keep my head above water. The rewards of being a single mum or a married mum out way any hardship that takes place during. With being single mum its only a little more difficult to do the things that every parent does just because your doing it alone. As for the biological father of your daughter, hes only that until he makes the choice to become her "dad" and he may not. Telling his parents and him being pressured into being a dad is not always the best. I should know my own biological father never accepted me as his child, and I am twenty now and its still the same story. I never understood what a fathers love was until my mum married my step dad. I actually understood it, and justbecause he wasnt my biological dad hasnt made any difference to me. I know how difficult it is to do it on your own. The emotions of sadness. guilt, anger, hurt, and also the overwhelming joy and love you feel towards your child. I would say hold onto those feelings, and try to ignore the rest. My sons biological dad has never contacted me since I told him I was pregnant. Iève found out just in the past few weeks that he has a daughter and is loving her and staying by her side. As much as I want to yell and scream and hit him, and ask him why my son isnt good enough, I wont just because I know what type of person he is and that I wouldnèt let that type of person into my life now ever. Not when it could harm the safety of my son. So I guess all you can do is use your best judgment and listen to that instinctive feeling inside you because 9 times out of 10 its right.

Anyways I am always here if you need advic or a ear to speal on. Hope everything is going well with you and your daughter

Shoshonna - posted on 08/05/2009

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hi
Ive been a single mom for 20 months. Im also about to have my second child. Chris' dad skipped out on us before he was born and did not even tell his parents. chris' grandparents love him to death so no harm there.

my opinion is that if your childs father did not tell his parents that they were going to be grandparent, find a way to contact them and tell them. they can be a good rock to lean on sometimes.

give yourself some "me" time and have fun. it took me a while to do that but about once every 2 months i get a babysitter and leave chris with them so i can go to the theater for a movie or to the real or even the german equivalent of the mall. get a breath of fresh air and relax.

Its hard but worth it. I love being a single mom because i dont have to have someone to agree/disagree with me on how i raise my son.

i hope this helped.

shonna

Amber - posted on 08/05/2009

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Ladies-

Some of you I have individually written a message to. But I didn't realize id get so much feedback. So i wanted to thank all of you for your advice and thoughts. Its becomeing extremely helpful. By all means, add me to your circle. It'll be good to be in contact with you.



Thanks again moms!!

~ much love, Amber

Jackeline - posted on 08/05/2009

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Oh I know how you feel! Aside from the mood swings from birth, it's hard to do it alone. Honestly, the rewards are all yours. I am a single Mom of 3, 2 in college and a 5 year old. There were times when I sat alone in the dark and cried. But there are more times that I sit back and watch my children- the wonder of these amazing people- and I am content. Go with your instincts, they are usually correct. The chances are great that you are doing just fine!

Christal - posted on 08/04/2009

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Hi Amber,

Just remember this, when it seems to get tough and you wish that there was someone there to help you.....you are stronger than you know and she will also be a strong woman because of you. My ex left me when my son was 3 yrs. old and my daughter was 8 months. I didn't think I was strong enough and then my family reminded me of who I was and how happy I was with my kids. It never seems to end and sometimes you want to run away! Just remember to aleast take a break once a month. Even if that means hiding in your bedroom with a good book. You'll never regret being able to raise your baby the way you want to. Good Luck and let me know if you ever want to talk.

Heather - posted on 08/04/2009

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Let me tell you - being single with a child is better than just being single...most days. When everything else in life is crazy, you can look at your little one and know that its all gonna be OK. I have a 9, 10 & 12 yr old daughters. Got divorced 7 years ago and the 10 yr old is special needs. Us women must stick together so I am here for you. Good luck!!

Jen - posted on 08/04/2009

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I left my sons' father when I was 7 months pregnant (after I caught him cheating). My son is now 13 years old. I can give heaps of advice, but the main things are these:
1) Be strong. When you feel like you can't deal with it anymore, turn to friends or family. My family lived 250 miles from me so it was hard to have them help with anything. I relied on friends.
2) Go after child support immediately. You don't have to give the dad visitation rights (he can go to court in a separate case if he thinks he's earned it), but you have the right to money to support your child.
3) Don't ever look back and regret.
4) Don't bad-talk the father in front of your child. It will only come back to bite you in the rear later.
5) Have a "safety-friend." If things get too much to bear, you need someone who can jump in at a moments notice to give you a break.
Best of luck to you. Always know there are people here to vent to if you need us. You can also message me if you ever have questions. :-)

Amber - posted on 08/04/2009

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sandy,

wow! know whats funny about what you just wrote. I believe my ex didnt tell his parents either. Only because they aren't the type to whom will tell him to not take responsibility. I may be way off base and maybe he did. But I have this instinct he never did. I know his parents. they are very family orientated ... Freakin men! LOL

Amie - posted on 08/04/2009

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I think the most important part of being a single mother is learing that you need to make time for yourself once in a while as well as take care of your child. Even if it is just going to get your nails done or your hair done; having some time to yourself is a good break. I didn't do this for the longest time and I realized that to take care of my daughter the way she needed taken care of I needed to take care of myself as well. I tried to do it all on my own and never took a break. It can be a very stressful situation at times. And if you feel like you are getting stressed out ask someone that you trust to watch your child for a few hours just so you can get a well needed break. Hope this helps.

Sandy - posted on 08/04/2009

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lol. i believe it. that's what happened with mine. she was going to "screw up his life plan." we live in NY. 3 months after he found out i was pregnant, he moved to CA, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME. he hasn't even told his parents cause he's afraid they'll make him be a man and take responsibility. i'm just glad i have the support of my friends and other moms who know what i'm going through :)

Amber - posted on 08/04/2009

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Sandy- that's exactly what i said as well. And I dont feel bad that hes not in our lives. I have just questioned things.. And yes it is his loss, Complletely. And funny you should make the comment about the reasonsing men dont want anythin to do with their child (not all men of course) its because a child will take away the time..and they just aren't ready to grow up. I remember having a pretty damn close conversation like that with him.

Alisha - posted on 08/04/2009

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Hey amber. I have been a single mother since my son was 9 months old and he is now 2 1/2. His dad is completely out of the picture now and I don't even get support from him. There are days where it all hits me and I break down. But I love my son to death and am happy that he is in a better situation. His father had a horrible temper and often hit me so I think we are better off. If you are ever feeling down message me and I would love to listen and offer advice if I can. welcome to motherhood.

Sandy - posted on 08/04/2009

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I feel exactly the same way. I've broken down quite a few times myself, asking myself that same question. She is SO perfect, how could anyone not want that in their life? But for me, I guess it's just easier to look at is as his loss. One day he's going to wake up, and realize, whoa, I have a BEAUTIFUL CHILD, and I've never even held her. He's gonna realize that he's a deadbeat, and there's not going to be a single thing he can do about it. Don't feel sorry that he's not in your guys' life, because we're both going to find a guy that loves us and our little girls and will treat us like we deserve to be treated. He's missing out on the most amazing miracle God every created, and that's his own punishment.
Chances are, he doesn't want her right now because he's selfish and a child would take attention away from the things he wants to do. But one day he probably will want her, and I hope you stay strong. In my situation, I told him, either step up and be her father NOW, or lose out forever..it was his choice, and i'm holding him to it.

How are things going today? hopefully it's a good day :)

Amber - posted on 08/04/2009

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Sandy-

Thank you so much for your words. My daughter is 4 weeks old. So this is all fairly new to me. And within the 4 weeks, I only broke down once , i got overwhelmed because i was just so exhausted. So being a single mom hit me that day. But I will be entirely honest with you, I couldn't be any happier that its me and my daughter. I have looked at my daughter tho and I just dont understand how a man would not want to be around their child. I just dont get it.

Sandy - posted on 08/04/2009

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Hey hun,

I'm in the same situation. My little munchkin is 4 months old and I'm doing it on my own too. It's definitely hard, you just have to take it day by day and enjoy every second of it. Sometimes I do get upset that her father isn't in the picture, but the way I look at it is, now she's AAALLLLL mine. lol. There's no one to fight with or get angry at for not helping out ya know? Anyways if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to send me a message. I'll do my best to help out.

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