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Iysha - posted on 02/03/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I had been in a relationship wth my daughter's father for 3 years. She is 19 months old. He has continually shown me that he can not be counted on to do the bare minimum of budget money and just be a "normal," law abiding citizen...He has completely drained me dry...our once 3,000+ monthly income was spent on his drug use. He became addicted to Heroin a month after our daughter was born because he "couldnt handle her being in the hospital," she was a preemie and was in the hospital after birth for 17 days. Before then, he was an alcoholic that used to get angry and accuse me of cheating on him when I was working and going to school and even when I was pregnant, he continually said the baby was not his because I was a whore and I should get an abortion...He would get so mad, he would hit me, rip off my clothing and poor beer on me. His reasoning was that He was drnk and it was okay because he didnt mean to do those things...mind you, I was his pregnant girlfriend. When I was in the hospital for 2 wweks for preterm labor, he wass there to visit once and spent the night with me once but was going oin and out of the hospital to buy alcohol. When our daughter was born, he was there but that night, he left and didnt come back until the next day. He had been in "recovery" and on Methadone treatment for his Drug use and recently relapsed and got right back onto his treatment. I have started school again and he is now with his mom 3 hours away.

I feel like I should get full custody of our daughter and know I would get it since he is a registered sex offender, has a felony, a DUI (his felony was also because he was drunk) and has been arrested several times in the past years..the most recent being 2 weeks ago for a warrent for not signing up for DUI classes and for theft. I have no proof that he was abusive. My question is: Should I submit a request for Full Custody of my daughter? To me, it seems kind of cruel since he has never actually hurt her and is completely in love with her. When he was home, it isnt like he wouldnt take care of her but he was hardly ever home. Are his arrests even enough to tske his parental rights away? or doesn he have to actually hurt my daughter?

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Jessica - posted on 02/04/2011

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in my state a woman has full legal and physical custody automatically. if the father wants visitations he has to go to court to ask for them. if he wants any rights he has to go to court and prove that i am an unfit mother and the children would be better off with him... it would be a lengthily and expensive process setting him back lots of money and it would take a year. if he hasn't asked for visitations and he isn't paying child support, i would file for sole custody and for child support. i would ask a lawyer first what your rights are in your state. i would also file for an order of protection for you and your daughter because he did abuse your daughter when she was inside of you and he is a drug user and you don't want your daughter around that... that would help your case. your best bet would be to go to a women's battered shelter and talk to someone there about your rights and options and ask help to file an order of protection against him. they can help you with that and direct you where to go for help with custody.



abuse is abuse... you are making up excuses. stop it. there is no justification for what he did and for what he is doing... he is a drug addict. your daughter should not be around that... PERIOD. i can tell you stories about the drug addict that is my kids' father... scary ones. i thought oh he loves his kids, he would never hurt them... he would quit doing drugs for his kids... he would never do drugs around his kids, he loves them, they come first... YEAH RIGHT! I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY. stop justifying everything. stop enabling him. stop making excuses... it doesn't help him. walk away and don't let him see his kid. file for support. file for full custody if you have to... do what ever you can. but please, don't believe yourself when you say he has never hurt her and he loves her and he never will... i made that mistake. drugs are bad. drugs rule over anything else including a child. he hurt your child when he stole money for your child. he hurt your child by abusing you while you were carrying her inside your belly, stressing you out, yelling at you, abusing you. he hurt your daughter by leaving when she was born and not supporting you, causing you all this stress. he is abusing your daughter by not making your life easier so you can be a better mommy that isn't overwhelmed and tired and alone... he is hurting your daughter every time he drink or does drugs... that stuff hurts his body and it isn't cheap... that money could go towards your daughter... BELIEVE ME. the best you can do for you, for him, and for you child is to walk away and don't let him see his kid. maybe it might be a wake up call for him to get sober. but he needs to go to treatment first before you let him see her and prove that he can stay sober to you by going to AA meeting and staying sober and getting a job and start paying support. if you leave your daughter with someone that does drugs, you are endangering her intentionally and could get her taken away if he was caught with her and you knew he was on something... which, lets face it, he is going to be. drugs are thicker than blood. that even applies to their kids... TRUST ME, I KNOW... i was in a lot of huge messes because of my kids' father's drug use.

Kelly - posted on 02/03/2011

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i think that would depend on the laws of your state...i would consult an attorney - keep in mind that if he has not gone thru the courts to ask for visitation, at least in my state, he has no visitation rights...with that being said, i have a similiar ex, not all the same but close enough for comparison...he didn't see the kids for 8 yrs - asked for no visitations etc...then a yr ago out of the blue he did, after mediation, and couple court hearings, he started with 2 hr visits that are now every other wkend visits.. and i had proof he's abusive...to my other children (not his) and myself - as well as 3 other girlfriends and his one daughter...he still gets them...all of those things happened when he was high/drunk =- not when he's sober...
Good luck, and again, if your worried / contemplating anything, contact a lawyer or even legal aide for advice...just because you talk to them doesn't mean you have to do anything either...

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